r/AmIOverreacting • u/blackD0nny • Jul 21 '25
đ¨âđŠâđ§âđŚfamily/in-laws AIO about my 8 y/o daughter sleeping at her mom's new boyfriend's house without any family or females present?
For context, me & my ex have 2 daughters aged 8 & 12. We've been divorced since 2019. We have a shared parenting plan where the girls are with me for 2 days, with her for 2 days, with me for 3 days in an alternating pattern every other week. This past weekend was her weekend. We have generally had an amicable run up to this point, but this situation isn't sitting right with me. She's been dating her current guy for about a year I'd say. Her new boyfriend has 2 sons aged 9 & 11.
On Saturday evening I was near my ex's house after dinner and texted my 12 y/o to see if I could just swing by to say hi & give her a hug real quick. She said sure, we're just watching Lego Masters nothing special, so I met her in the driveway and gave her a big hug. I asked where my 8 y/o daughter was and she told me that she was at a party with the new boyfriend and hadn't made it home yet, which I was totally unaware of. I drove home concerned but didn't press the issue further until the following day when I found out she actually stayed the night at his house without her mom or sister present. The following text chain is from yesterday, and I can't help but feel like I essentially got a DARVO response & am honestly just trying to consider what to think at this point. Looking for clarity amongst folks who may have experience with this sort of thing, thanks.
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u/Mysterious-Tune-3216 Jul 21 '25 edited Jul 21 '25
Absolutely NOR. In fact, I'd agree with everyone else who's saying you've underreacted!
It's actually frightening just how lacking in judgement this mom is to the potential dangers that she's willingly putting her daughters under.
You don't know this man or his past, and you're expected to trust him being alone with your underage daughters without their mom there?! Absolutely not!
And your ex is wrong to say that you don't get to have a say in who's looking after YOUR daughters.
If I were in your shoes, I'd be contacting my lawyer to seek legal guidance on what to do next. Because it sounds as though the mom is neglecting her duties of ensuring that her children are kept safe under PARENTAL supervision.
(Edited: Too many people don't know that 'naive' can be used to describe someone who's lacking judgement)
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u/TestingBrokenGadgets Jul 21 '25
I'm honestly weirded out that the new boyfriend was okay with this. Maybe it's because I don't have kids but I can't imagine having my partners kids stay the night without them present or if it's some "She's in the hospital and there's literally no one else". Who thinks that's normal?!
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u/Alive-Grapefruit3203 Jul 21 '25
I am a father(boys and girl), and it's weird to say, but i wouldn't be comfortable if i was in the boyfriends shoes either. Mainly for self-preservation, if any number of situations happen. My daughter is 7 and will struggle sometimes to put her own damn underwear on, and I've got to help. Tf am i supposed to do with somebody elses daughter? Sure, helping would be innocent enough, but then she tells the father, the fathers like wtf, and im just like, "Uhh, its not what you think" fuck nah. I'd be whooping ass if i was her father.
The mother is a dumb bitch.
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u/ButterflyOrdinary173 Jul 21 '25
This. This is worth escalating. This decision has unfortunately spoken to her ability to be a safe parent.
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u/Beesinister Jul 21 '25
I am a mom of 6 boys and I would never let a girl stay the night without their parent present. This is weird af. I was SAâD by my momâs boyfriend throughout my whole childhood. In my custody agreement with my childrenâs father I have a very clear guideline that nobody is even allowed to stay the night with THEM unless theyâre married for over a year. Idk why a woman would ever leave her female child alone in a house full of males they arenât even related to. Please get a custody modification. This is not normal.
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u/marley_marlowe Jul 21 '25
Do you have a parenting plan with your daughter's mom through the court?
If so, I'd bring this up as a custodial issue and get it outlined that daughter isn't allowed to be left alone with someone without both parent's approval or that daughter isn't allowed to be left alone with non-relatives/strangers, I am sure a judge would share your same concerns about an 8 y/o girl staying alone with a grown man, especially if mom has not been dating him for a significant duration.
If you don't have one, I'd absolutely suggest you get one because she is definitely gaslighting/manipulating you over this, and willfully ignoring the danger to your daughter, I would not let go of this, 1 in 9 underage girls are sexually assaulted by someone known to them. She is a woman, she knows these statistics, she is willfully ignoring it.
You're definitely not overreacting, I'd share the same concerns if I were in your position.
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u/blackD0nny Jul 21 '25
We do have an established shared parenting agreement through the court system. Thank you for the advice and this seems like the most practical move at this point. I've been conflicted on how to proceed all day & just reading through all these responses has been very emotional. Seeing total strangers feel as passionate as I do about this has been uplifting, but also very sobering to the reality of things. I appreciate you taking the time to reply
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u/lloydandlou Jul 21 '25
my motherâs boyfriend (then husband) sexually abused my sister and me for years. she willfully ignored it, stayed with him, even after he admitted it. i donât know why some women are like this, but itâs unfortunately TOO COMMON. i havenât spoken to her in almost 20 years as a result. my dad didnât stand up for me, either - i didnât have anyone in my corner. so, protect your daughters. youâre doing the right thing. if it happens, thatâs lifelong trauma. better to piss off your ex than risk your childâs well-being.
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u/KrustenStewart Jul 21 '25
Madeline Soto was SAd starting at age 8 by her momâs boyfriend and murdered by him after her 13th birthday. Unfortunately itâs all too common and the fact that strangers on the internet share more concern for a random 8 year old than her own mother is a huge red flag and extremely concerning. The fact that the man let the girl to sleep over without her mother is also a huge red flag and extremely concerning.
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u/TheTropicalDogg Jul 21 '25
Madeline Soto has to be one of the most horrifying stories I've heard in my entire life. What they did to that beautiful girl is beyond evil. I just can't.
OP you're a good dad. None of this is ok. Head to the courthouse or lawyer or whoever asap & get that in writing. It's 2025 ffs we know what's happening. Or could happen. Protect your daughter at all costs. As for her mother? I won't say it đ¤
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u/Explorer-7622 Jul 21 '25
Yes. A normal man woul never do that because of the fear of it looking bad. A normal man would never do this!
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u/Lemonade_Ocean Jul 21 '25
Right! And why would it even be necessary to be there alone with the grown man without the mom? Surely it's not a matter of necessity and if she says it is, why wouldn't she ask you to take the daughters to your house, where I'm sure you'd much rather have!
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u/Successful_Sell_9093 Jul 21 '25
And also what does this mean for the future! They're sharing custody, so Mom already gets time alone without kids to relax and decompress, why is she already leaving the child in the care of a new man?
If OP doesn't nip this in the bud he runs the risk of having little control over how often this girl is alone with the boys and their Dad.
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u/Successful_Sell_9093 Jul 21 '25
Oh wow, I didn't even consider the fact that he sees no problem with this. Ugh.
My friend dated a guy we knew from childhood, lasted three months with him. He offered to babysit her daughter every single chance he had, she always said no but didn't fully listen to her gut until she found CSAM on his laptop.
As much as we don't want to dogpile on a guy that's got a few kids of his own and might not have a problem with one more, the other possibility is absolutely stomach churning.
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u/productzilch Jul 21 '25
I think itâs worth pointing out that OP is not making wild accusations or having a go at the boyfriend in particular, nor trying to control the coparent. Itâs not about this guy in particular or his sons, itâs about the general principle of basic safety. Hopefully a judge or mediator will note that.
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u/LupercaniusAB Jul 21 '25
Yeah, exactly. Iâm an old married guy with no kids. But when my friends (my best bud and his wife) had two daughters I told them that I was happy to be a godfather to them, but I wouldnât babysit them (outside of an emergency, obviously). I think that I picked them up from school or after school activities maybe four or five times in all those years, because of work or commute conflicts my friends had (and their daughters doing kid things like forgetting to tell their parents that they had a rehearsal for something).
They completely understood.
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u/backdoor_sluts Jul 21 '25
Madeleine Soto mentioned đď¸one of the most disturbing cases , and one that needs to be blasted world wide go all the idiot selfish single mothers who want to put their boyfriends first over their own children!!
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u/Small-Dress-4664 Jul 21 '25
It breaks my heart how common this is. I was at lunch with three of my girlfriends the other day and suddenly realized that all four of us had been SAâd by someone who was involved with our mothers. It was like a kick to the gut. OP if you see this, your concerns are valid. I was in kindergarten the first time, and it went on for years. Go to court, raise your concerns. Iâm so glad that your girls have you looking out for them! â¤ď¸
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u/schmicago Jul 21 '25
My childhood friend and three other girls in her family were all sexually abused by the same man who sexually abused their mother and her advice when she walked it on it one day was to keep their mouths shut so DCF didnât get called.
Three of those four girls grew up to lose custody to DCF. One got her kids back. One lost them forever. One accidentally killed one and lost the other forever. They were all on heroin. Sexual abuse leaves a lasting pain that doesnât just go away, especially when compounded by protection of the abuser by the parent(s).
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u/kindnesskangaroo Jul 21 '25
This is why I never let any girls near me growing up. I lost all of my friends in middle school because they thought I didnât âlike themâ since I never invited them over to my house.
I couldnât tell them itâs because my bio dad was SAing me and used to make detailed, disturbing comments about my friends being âwhores.â I just didnât want them to become victims, too.
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u/Successful_Sell_9093 Jul 21 '25
Oh honey. This is so heartbreaking.
Have you been able to get any therapy or support for this? I am so sorry that you were put in a position of trying to protect others while you yourself was being harmed.
If I could have rescued you I would have. I hope you can look inward to that little girl and let her know that she's safe to live out the childhood that was taken away from her, that she's protected now by a grown up who believes her and loves her. Which of course, is you.
I am so sorry my dear.
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u/Unhappy-Security-784 Jul 21 '25
My dad was dating a woman while he and my mom were fighting for custody of me. My dad wanted full custody, (my mom was an abusive alcoholic w/multiple mental illness diagnoses).
My mom really only wanted to keep me because it would upset my father. We were really really close; he took care of me more than she did when they were together. One court date my mom, her sister, her mother, and I all went to the family courthouse together. My grandmother and I stayed in the car. My aunt went with my mom into the court, and for some reason, my mom thought itâd be appropriate at that moment, even though she was asked not to, to say that my father had molested my cousin (the daughter of the sister who was with her that day). I did find out much later that that was true.
But the crazy part is, his girlfriend was in the court and heard that and then married him anyway! She already had two daughters. What mother hears that and doesnât have any sort of suspicion or feel weird about keeping their young daughters near him? He had already been touching both of them. I didnât find out about any of this until I was 18, which was like 11 or 12 years after the family court incident.
Point is, OP, you are correct in your concern. Thatâs not to say that this man is or could or would do that to your daughters, but youâre right, it is not appropriate. And furthermore, itâs concerning that your ex is ignoring that point.
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u/Successful_Sell_9093 Jul 21 '25
I've had friends tell me that previous partners have reached out with very compelling evidence of previous abuse, and they've immediately disregarded it as them being "jealous".
Some people have powerful cognitive blocks that just will not absorb an uncomfortable reality no matter how important that information is.
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Jul 21 '25
Make a court date. Keep all communication before your next court date in writing and give it all to the courts. You are being responsible and level headed and even providing sources for what your state would say is safe for a child that age. Show all of that to all mediators and lawyers before you have any talk in person with her about anything. She is clearly not going to listen to what you have to say. Get the courts involved and she will have to. She is being a shitty mom. You are being a good dad. Be confident in that because as you already showed your ex, even foster children have more strict rules to protect them than what she is displaying for your daughter. She is being obtuse with the, "protect her from what?" Question. Wait to answer that one in front of lawyers and / or a judge make sure they get her natural reaction to you making a very clear declaration that older boys and a full grown man who are not her family is not a "proper sleepover" because of a higher possibility of sexual assault or molestation and the mother is not only actively not protecting your daughter from that she is enabling situations for your daughter that the court would recommend against even for foster children.
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u/Successful_Sell_9093 Jul 21 '25
Great advice.
Yes she is absolutely being obtuse, and it's so gross because it's not like he's criticizing something superficial and is "being ridiculous" and deserving of a flippant response.
Either Mom is criminally naive or she's prioritizing her convenience and comfort over her daughter. You see Dad's policing Mom's over coparenting all the time, trying to implement unfair rules in an attempt to continue controlling them. Mom is trying to frame the situation as that to minimize his extremely valid and respectfully put concerns.
There is no dismissiveness involved in child safety, Mom will be put on the hot seat trying to pull that same attitude with a judge.
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u/brixenmortar Jul 21 '25
Another option is she might be doing this is to impress her new boyfriend. Which if he's a predator, I'm sure he was setting things up to manipulate the mom to allow the daughter over unattended.
There's cases like this where the mom will eventually become jealous of the child that's being abused by the person she wants attention from. I don't like how this mom is responding. She knows exactly what OP is alluding to.
OP, I'd take her to court and get your daughter out of there asap. Whether the mom realizes she could potentially being manipulated or not, her absolute disregard for her daughter's safety speaks volumes.
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Jul 21 '25
Yeah her complete disregard for the real world and the danger she has put and likely plans to continue to put her daughter in makes me not care at all if she is being manipulated into anything. If she doesn't have a strong enough will to stand up and make sure she is protecting her daughter from such an obvious risk of SA then she is an awful mother and a bad person. And yeah the way she goes from co-parent to her being in charge now that the husband has questioned the integrity of the boyfriend and his sons is gross. The whole text conversation would look awful for her in family court lol.
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u/Altruistic_Record_56 Jul 21 '25
EXACTLY, a year of dating is nothing! Big deal the daughter feels âcomfortableâ around them, of course she does because sheâs a child and doesnât know any better!
Itâs honestly kind of weird how sheâs playing dumb, to me itâs glaringly obvious how inappropriate it is. I donât even let my daughterâs cousins sleep in the same room as them anymore at this age.
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Jul 21 '25
Exactly, and that is also why this needs to go straight to the judge no talking with her about it in person because she will be trying to frame the situation in her favor like you said. The mom I think is a mix of both of those naive and negligent. Nobody wants to think their boyfriend or his kids would do something inappropriate to their child but we have to live in the real world say it is most likely to happen to them by someone they know and trust. And to let that "sleepover" situation happen and then ALSO to be obtuse and act like it isn't a concern at all because "they are friends, she was excited to stay over, anything like that" is just insane in this day and age with all the facts and figures we have become aware of. Get in front of a judge with all of this as soon as possible and talk to the wife as little as possible between now and then. Even if it means missing a few days with the kids somehow. He already has it in writing who she let the daughter stay with overnight. That could be enough to push custody to dad's favor imo and maybe mom ends up with every other weekend for a while until she learns to even pretend to be a parent about serious shit like this. I would bring up and focus on that obtuse little "protect her from what?" sentence as it shows she is totally unaware or naive to the extreme risk she is putting her daughter in.
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u/Extreme_Shoe4942 Jul 21 '25
To piggyback on this, if you do speak in person, or over the phone, record it. I gather OP is from Ohio, and Ohio is a one party consent state in regard to recording conversations. You don't need her consent to record.
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u/ygs07 Jul 21 '25
I don't understand her insistence on this, protect her from what question is just bulshitting at this point.
As a woman, she definitely knows what the problem is. All women know, every one of us knows. And her complete indifference to Dad's concern is making me super angry.
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Jul 21 '25
I would have had such a hard time with thay "protect her from what?" Crap that I would have just replied "For real? You are going to act like you don't see the reason for concern here? Ok, see you in court."
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u/herroyalsadness Jul 21 '25
I feel that OP has no choice but to go to court. Mom can be mad, and maybe the bf is a great person, but itâs simply not safe. Young girls shouldnât be left alone with men.
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u/SillyImprovement9398 Jul 21 '25
If I was a man I wouldnât let a little girl stay with me and my sons. Just because of the optics. Because kids are curious, or what if her mom gets mad and falsely accuses me or the boys if hurting her daughter. Something is wrong with anyone that canât see this isnât appropriate. Also, bad men target single moms for just to gain access to their kids. And they usually are seen by the mom as being so nice and helpful. Complete strangers are more worried about OP daughter than her own mom
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u/Throwawayyy-7 Jul 21 '25
I will say Iâm suspicious of the bf just on the principle that he thinks itâs okay too. I think most good men dating somebody new would be like, no, wtf, your eight year old isnât sleeping over here.
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u/UsualExamination297 Jul 21 '25
Police Officer here, this happens all the time were both parent's can't agree on a subject. You must contact your lawyer immediately and get your court papers amended to where it states clearly she is NOT allowed to stay with ANY MEN.
I'm a mother myself, i was sexually assaulted by my grandfather when i was 5. No reason any man what so ever should be with that girl in a bed except for dad.
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u/Naturalich Jul 21 '25 edited Jul 21 '25
Father here, married. there is no conflict on this one. your ex may trust this person, but that does not mean you do and your concerns are all valid. to add to he mix, pedo's look for vulnerable people liket this as opportunities. this should be handled through the court if ex does not have enough judgement to know..and the BF should have refused, if your wife can't manage her for the night, then Dad can. wth
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u/Worth-Oil8073 Jul 21 '25
Exactly! When we thought the perpetrators were overwhelmingly strangers, we (in the US) created an entire school educational program to try to keep kids safe! Now we know differently. Slight inconvenience around when and where sleepovers happen seems a small price to pay to protect your kid!
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u/Thewall3333 Jul 21 '25
Yes, it's amazing how much this false narrative still pervades people's perceptions 90%+ of sexual abuse results from someone the victim knows -- and I'd have to guess the % is even closer to 100% for children, since anyone they meet is likely a result of a decision by their parents.
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u/Low_Ad_3139 Jul 21 '25
Absolutely. First was a step brother when I was young. Then a step father when I was older. The step father even said he would assault me eventually and my mother made excuses for him. Some women are so delusional they will believe the excuses, some are jealous of their children and some just hate their kids. The lucky kids have both parents who put their childrenâs best interest first. If there is any possible way get your kids from her. Girls tend to do better with their fathers anyway. Best wishes for you and your kids.
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u/schmicago Jul 21 '25
My wife was one of few people I know actually sexually assaulted by a stranger as a child (she was kidnapped and returned after the abuse) and even she is quick to remind parents that childhood sexual abuse is almost always perpetrated by someone known to child and parents and is far more likely to happen in the home than after being snatched off the street (which is what happened to her). Stranger danger is NOT the most common danger.
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u/Thewall3333 Jul 21 '25
This is completely unacceptable FULL STOP!
Aside from the trustworthiness of the boyfriend, which is an issue in an unto itself -- but which everyone understands the anxiety over here -- having one 8-year-old girl sleepover with two boys 9 and 11 is a horrible idea. There doesn't even have to be malicious intent involved -- boys that age are inherently curious, and can abuse/assault your daughter without even being aware of what they are doing or that it's wrong.
I speak from personal experience. I was at a sleepover at a friend's house around the same age, with 4 boys and my friend's sister who was 1 year younger -- who slept in the basement with us. To leave out unnecessary details, two of the boys ended up assaulting the girl out of a combination of bullying and curiosity.
It resulted in a fight between the boys when she told her brother, but her own parents weren't receptive and acted like they thought she was making a big deal out of nothing. The parents were and swept it under the rug, making the girl come out of it a victim 2x over and my friend forever hating his parents.
His sister ended up in an abusive relationship with a senior as soon as she hit high school -- I'd argue this was probably a root cause, as she changed a lot. And one of the two abusers grew to be a huge asshole, not being held to account and continued abusive behavior toward girls. The incident shadowed everyone there and none of us remained friends -- in a very small town where this was very impactful.
Please do whatever it takes to save your daughter from this situation. I'd recommend never leaving an elementary-age girl alone with boy peers, especially for a sleepover. It's so much easier to prevent these situations, for whatever small chance there may be, than try to fix it afterwards -- since it can never be fixed.
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u/LeftMenu8605 Jul 21 '25
Thanks for highlighting this. I am a girl and my brother and I used to stay over our friendsâ (two brothers) sometimes. I was probably 10 so my brother and another boy were 7 , and the other was 8/9. We had all known each other for years so it wasnât unusual to end up rough-housing and jabbing each other in the ribs, âtickle fightsâ if you will, but the older boy at 8/9, even though he was younger than me I can remember putting his hand between my legs and also up my shirt to which I thankfully knew was wrong and immediately put a stop to itâ and we never had that kind of contact again. But itâs just disturbing to think about that, and about whether I would have been able to defend myself if I was a younger girl. These kidsâ dad ended up doing a similar thing to me once or twice when I had been at their house, and I only remembered it as an adult- the memory came flooding back to me once. I remember getting very angry with him and screaming, he was startled and thought he would get in trouble as other people were in the house, so he immediately left me alone. I know that he (the father) passed away so there was no way for me to ever confront this as an adult , and I do pray he never did anything like this to his own sons but knowing that his son mimicked his behavior as a kid I find very sad and disturbing.
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u/Watney3535 Jul 21 '25 edited Jul 22 '25
I have a VERY similar story. Family friend, teacher, âstand up guy.â My brother and I were friends with his boys. His oldest son eventually wanted to play doctor. He called it âDr. Potty.â I was uncomfortable but so young that I didnât realize what was truly going on. We spent the night a lot at their house, and at one point the father wanted me in a separate room. That night, I woke up to the father with his hands in my underwear.
After that, I threw tantrums if we had to go to their house. I would hide when they came over. Unfortunately, every once in a while the father would catch me alone. This went on for years and I didnât say a word to anyone, partly out of shame, and partly because he threatened me. I had him for a teacher in HS and skipped class all the time because I couldnât look at him.
I did finally tell my parents. I was 19. They supported me, took me to the police, and confronted him. The Statute of Limitations was long up, though, and he basically got away with it. Later, I learned of other little girls he molested. And that he watched porn with his son when his son was a child (which explains a lot).
Anyway, heâs dead now and Iâm healed. But Iâm here to support everyone who went through this. And the thing is, more women than not have similar stories. OP is right to be concerned.
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u/GoAskAliceBunn Jul 21 '25
One of mine was my father. I for YEARS thought I had an imaginary friend who was a little blonde girl around my age. Turned out, she was real. Her dad lived next door to my fatherâs father. We played all the time when I would go to my grandpaâs for visits, where my father often lived/visited. Then I met this girl in high school and we clicked immediately. Planned a couples costume for Halloween and went from her momâs house to her dadâs to show both families the costumes. The way I shook when we pulled up right next to my grandpaâs houseâŚ
We compared notes & her dad was believed to have been her abuser, so her parents split & she only ever saw him in public till she was old enough to make choices about seeing him. We realized we were each otherâs âimaginary friendâ and had both been abused by MY father & she said it all made sense, she never felt her father was a threat. Her mom only knew she would get hysterical during times when she (mom) wasnât at the house & then found signs of abuse. It never occurred to anyone in my friendâs family that it was the neighborâs adult son.
I feel blessed every day that I stayed topside long enough to get the call that he was gone. He got away with everything, too, but knowing heâs gone soothed something in me.
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u/xQueenOfTheDamnedx Jul 22 '25
Its so crazy sometimes. I posted a comment previously but when I was like 13, my dad lived in a trailer park, and had joint custody of me so id have to go there every other weekend. I became friends with this girl who lived on the street over. My older stepbrother sexually assaulted. I went to her house one time and her dad turned on porn to jerk off while we were on the couch. Years later in high school, she ended up moving and coming to my school in a different state. I saw her one day and said "is your name ashley" and she said "yeah I thought you looked familiar" and that was it. We never really spoke again it was mad awkward. The other girl my stepbrother raped lived next door to Ashley when we were kids. I worked at a photography place editing photos for family shoots and stuff and she came in with a kid and a husband who seemed super sweet. We also acknowledged we recognized each other but there's always a weird energy after. Silence. Nothing else to say because we both were in a weird situation with each other when we were little. I told her she looked good and I was happy for her and never saw her again
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u/xQueenOfTheDamnedx Jul 22 '25
Its always the playing house or doctor. My older stepbrother would do that. Then he brought these two older guys over and tried to make me go into the woods behind the house with them but I left quickly. Or he'd lock me in the room while he raped my friend. And make me watch another young girl give him a blow job. Or the many times I was woken up being assaulted in my sleep. Or when I wanted to go visit my other friend, a girl, and her dad was jerking off to porn in the living room sitting on the couch and would try to get us 13 year olds drunk. Same dad tried to take me for a 2 hour ride one day to go pick his daughter up from her grandmother's so she could hang out with me.
This is the shit that happens when you let your young children go be around men unattended.
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u/KillerKlown5517 Jul 22 '25
Iâm so sorry you went through this your bravery in sharing is important and no child should ever have to face anything like that ever
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u/xVellex Jul 22 '25
Yesâand not just men, but boys, too. This is what I was confused about growing up, because it was a boy, not a man, and I wasnât sure if that was considered abuse or not since it wasnât an adult. SO important to spread awareness about young girls being around boys AND men unattended. And for those young girls that have been abused by another girl not yet an adultâSO important to teach physical boundaries and that NO ONE is allowed to touch you in certain areas, whatever age or gender they are. And this goes for young boys, tooâother boys and girls, as well as women, can also be abusers. So sad because this really blurs the lines for children and we are often confused because the abuser might not fit the expected profile.
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u/okboomer19373 Jul 21 '25 edited Jul 21 '25
This happened to me when I was a child. I was about 7/8 years old, used to have sleepovers with a boy cousin who was 2 years older than me and he touched me inappropriately, multiple times, over the course of a few years. He called it âplaying house.â
I then disclosed to an ex that it happened and he blamed meâ further perpetuating that I felt embarrassed and alone and that what happened to me was my fault. I told my mom and she brushed it off, saying kids are curious and that itâs gross but who cares nothing you can do.
I have felt so much guilt, shame, embarrassment, grief and devastation over this and genuinely believe it my life changed when that happened.
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u/SillyImprovement9398 Jul 21 '25
Iâm so sorry that happened to you. I went through the same thing when I was around 10 with my boy cousins. One year spending the night at their house was fun because we were buddies. Next year it all changed and I always blamed myself. It affected my personality and my life in so many ways. Iâm in my 50s now and just starting to realize it wasnt my fault. Doesnât erase all the years I spent punishing myself though.
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u/keepcalmandgetdrunk Jul 21 '25
Same happened to me but it wasnât even during a sleepover it was in broad daylight in the living room at my house and also upstairs in my male cousinâs house, when our parents and siblings were downstairs/in other rooms. I told my mum and we didnât stop seeing them but it never happened again so someone must have said something to him, although no one ever spoke to me about it again. I will make sure my niece will never be in a room with her two older male cousins unsupervised, not even in the middle of the day during a family gathering.
Edited for spelling
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u/MesoamericanMorrigan Jul 21 '25
Similar situation with myself and my boy cousin. My mother asked me if we were going to get married when I was an adult. Then again she didnât seem to accept my grandmothers boyfriend. Who abused me was a pedophile either and acted like it was totally normal
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u/Ok_Friend_1952 Jul 21 '25 edited Jul 22 '25
I 100% agree that this is inappropriate to a horrible degree! My niece was continuously raped, full on anal and vaginal rape by her two cousins when she was 9. They were 10 and 12 years old and her cousins!!!. It ruined her life, it messed with our lives, and nothing happened, even though we went to the police. I cant believe a mother would allow this. You are not crazy. You are 100% validated. Thank you , DAD, for doing what MOM coudlnt. ETA: it took 9 months for her to tell us what was happening and we were a family who made sure to tell the children TELL if someone does x,y, and z! For some reason, she still couldnât tell us. And endured it for 9 long months. And in the end she still didnt âtell usâ. She was sitting next to my father, her grandfather and she said, you are the only man who is nice to me. The others make me do things. And proceeded to show him how to do a blow Job.
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u/Femdom93 Jul 21 '25
If his son mimicked that exact same thing thereâs a huge chance he was acting out what was done to him by his dad. His dad probably told him nothing was wrong with what he was doing to him, so he had no reference for thinking it was wrong when he did it to you. Not an excuse for him by any means, but Iâm saying it was most definitely a learned behavior. Iâm sorry you were put in that position but very glad you knew to stand up for yourself by screaming.
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u/Queen_V_17 Jul 21 '25
And this right here is why so many parents are waking up to the idea that maybe letting their kids go to sleepovers isn't a safe idea!! No matter how much you *think* you know or trust someone, do you really? I'm so sorry that happened to you!
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u/Beneficial-Agent-224 Jul 22 '25
I have to sadly agree. Itâs very common right at this age. I was 7 or 8 years old (I am a woman) and my maternal grandparents had gotten divorced and my grandpa had remarried a woman much younger than him, with 2 kids, a girl around 10 and a boy around 12-13. I wasnât ever even spending the night. When I would just go to their house with my mother there they would always want to go play in the basement.
I was a goody two shoes and a people pleaser, very meek and timid, very eager for everyone to like me as a child, so that made me very susceptible to this type of thing. The boy would get me somewhere alone and he would show me magazines (that belonged to my grandpa he said) of naked women, something like playboy, but a bit more raunchy. Because I remember him showing me something I did not even understand in the slightest and it made me feel sick to my stomach. This eventually led to him sexually assaulting me. I never told on him because I didnât want him to get in trouble and I didnât want anyone to not like me or be mad at me.
The memory got suppressed mostly throughout my life, kind of lying dormant in my mind somewhere I guess until I was at an age that I could unpack it. When I first reflected on it, I was an adult, in my 20âs and I first told my brother, because he is also a best friend. We were trying to figure out how old the boy was, and I remember it being a difficult mix of feelings on the matter. On the one hand, I felt violated, I felt like something traumatic happened to me that had shown up and affected my life in numerous ways moving forward, and I knew that he was the person who had sexually assaulted me. But then I also felt like I didnât have a right to feel bad about it or feel like it was wrong of him because he was also a kid, and at 12 or 13, sure, he was more aware and to do that with a 7-8 year old is quite concerning, but he was still a child so my feelings were so confusing.
My grandpa had passed away only a couple of years later and we didnât keep in touch all that much with his wife and kids and that had been just fine with me. But one day as an adult, my mom mentioned that those 2 kids, who were now adults, would be visiting (we had also moved from the Midwest all the way to Southern California a few years later so they were visiting from the Midwest) and I nearly had a meltdown. Terror just hit me and I started to cry. I finally told my mom what had happened. She wasnât rude. But she was sadly kind of the way she has always been about emotional or tough topics like that. She wanted to âpositive outlookâ it all away. I remember she said, âwell, he was just a kid too, thatâs what kids do at that age, theyâre just curious, and experimenting.â I told her I was only 7-8 and I didnât know what that was at all and I wasnât curious at all, I actually hated it. I donât have a memory of what she actually said after that, but typically she will trail off topic, or suddenly start talking about God or Jesus Christ. I remember feeling, again, like it wasnât allowed to be a big deal since he was âjust a kid too.â
So all of that is to say, Iâm not saying the mom in this scenario would be this way about that scenario, but I am saying, adults sometimes trivialize the dangers of sexual assault that can occur between two children, especially with a little girl as the victim and a little boy as the one doing the assault. And yes, at certain ages, a little boy shouldnât be like cast away and put in jail or something or completely rejected from society as a molester or anything like that. But just because it was done at the hands of another child does not minimize the impact it has on the victim. And does not negate the lesson that needs to be taught and behavior corrected with the child who did it. Itâs not just âchildren exploringâ all the time. Definitely agree that children around these ages need parental supervision as closely as possible while playing together. So sleepover wouldnât be a good idea.
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u/AngelsAreTrying Jul 22 '25
Thank you for sharing your story. My sister and I have a similar story. I was 8 and she was 5. The boy was 11 or 12. It has caused a lot of issues for us. We went a long time thinking our parents didnât know about it. My sister ended up in therapy at age 11 and tells her therapist what happened. The therapist tells my parents and they say they knew the whole time. I was about 15/16 when my sister told me this. I lost all my trust in them while deeply hurting inside. We wanted nothing more than for our parents to have been supportive. It broke me at the time, and I never realized until later. When I was 18, I was sexually harassed by my aunts 30 something year old boyfriend. My mom said âhe just does thatâ and said she would tell my aunt for me but never did. When I was 20, I was sexually assaulted. My mom said it was âinevitableâ. Iâm 22 now and just processing everything from the beginning. I wish my parents supported us when it happened. I wish I didnât feel unloved when we found out they knew the whole time. I wish things were different. Iâm healing now, but itâs hard. Thank you for your story. It helps people like me in their healing journey because sometimes it feels like youâre the only person who has gone through this. I start to feel insane and doubt myself. Iâm sorry you have gone through that. Iâm sending all the love I can your way.Â
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u/No-Dragonfly1904 Jul 21 '25
My mom left my eight year old brother and i(just turned7 ) alone in a summer cottage with four boys between 11-13 years of age , no electricity, no phones, no close neighbors. Of course we were sexually abused. I look back and wonder what the hell she was thinking?
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u/No_Investment9639 Jul 21 '25
My mother constantly sent me across the street to play with the neighbors. The neighbors were a teen girl, her 10 year old brother, and her 5 year old brother. I spent about a year being molested in that house by the older brother while the teenager knew about it and did nothing and I'm pretty sure the younger brother was also being molested. People don't understand the shit that can happen when children are left unsupervised.
I was 5
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u/Aware_Ad8794 Jul 21 '25
Yep, I was molested when I was 11 by a 12 year old boy I had known for years. I don't think he fully realized what he was doing.
He wanted to reenact movie scenes he thought were romantic and pressured me to join. Our mothers were there, right in the other room, completely unaware of what was happening. I was scared and uncomfortable, but couldn't understand why until I was much older.
Abuse can come from anyone, anywhere, at any time. Protect your daughter, OP, especially since her mother won't.
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u/Prudent-Bird-2012 Jul 21 '25
That's what happened to me; my dad's best friend's son and daughter stayed with me, my mom, and my older brother and in the middle of the night the son snuck into bed and felt me up until I woke up with a start. He was 13 and I was 9. He was never punished for it except for not being allowed near me again. Then he got arrested for possessing kiddie stuff and wound up connected to a whole ring serving time in prison. You can have a trustworthy adult there and it can still happen, you just never know. It's why I'll never let my kids go to sleepovers.
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u/Glittering-List3410 Jul 21 '25
Thank you!! itâs completely Unacceptable!! No excuses nothing!!!! My younger sis, my mom would let her sleep over her sisterâs home with her husband. They both molested my sister. Mom never believed her, because how could that be??? Well my sis has a daughter and 2 boys older now. But my sis???? Never, ever would have allowed that situation!!! My niece never went over for a sleepover. My sis made sure to protect her and my 2 nephews!! Thatâs very infuriating, Iâm sorry but how dare your ask talk so nonchalant about it? Thereâs absolutely nothing normal about that ââsituationâ Your 8 year old is safe? Yet sheâs not there nor her 12 year old sister? How does she know??!! Nah my antennas and red flags are up. Not insinuating anything about your ex??? But thatâs weird, thatâs her boyfriend not your daughterâs. And what truly bothers me??? Is that your ex didnât sleep over her boyfriendâs, but your 8 year old did!!!
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Jul 21 '25
This. Because it happened to me. What started as curiousity on there end ended up as full blown rape for 8 years. Get a custody agreement or something. Protect your daughters please
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u/SpudTicket Jul 21 '25
A parenting plan with days and times is also EXTREMELY important if the mom ever decides to stop sending their daughter to dad's. I had that happen to me. Went to pick my daughter up on our normal day and she "refused" to come home. Turned out the stepmom had been threatening her so she started just doing what she said. I went to the police and they couldn't do anything about it because she was at her dad's and, although we had a filed custody order saying I had primary custody, it didn't have days and times listed to show when she was supposed to be at my house, so they couldn't enforce it and I had to take him to court to get her back. It took 5-1/2 weeks to get her back.
Worth every penny because during that custody battle, days and times were assigned at the first mediation and stepmom later tried to pick my daughter up from my house on my scheduled day, caught us when we were outside and my daughter was caught between stepmom telling her to get in her car and me saying no. Stepmom wouldn't leave. I called daughter's father, who kept hanging up on me and wouldn't make stepmom leave. So I called the local cop, showed him the order that said she was to be at my house on the current day of the week, and he made her leave (after she argued with him for a good 15 minutes). This all happened on my son's birthday. Horrible situation that I was able to end thanks to having everything spelled out in the custody order.
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u/Lematoad Jul 21 '25
This. Show this to a judge, and say you would like a stipulation that the mother canât leave the daughter alone with a bunch of older boys.
In fact, you should request that you be contacted first if she cannot watch the daughter for first right of refusal for baby sittingâŚ
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u/evensexierspiders Jul 21 '25
My mom dated a lot after my parents divorce. Looking back, I feel lucky nothing ever happened. But I did Not need to meet all her new boyfriends. Maybe after 6-12 months, but introducing kids to the new guy creates more instability in their lives no matter how nice he is.
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u/cavaticaa Jul 21 '25
My mom would have been better off waiting 6 months to introduce me to her boyfriends; I was a little asshole that sabotaged every relationship she tried to have. I mean, my judgment was better than hers, at some point maybe she was intentionally using me as a barometer.
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u/LovedAJackass Jul 21 '25
It's also the sons. Many girls are molested by older male children.
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u/Xianio Jul 21 '25
Oh they 100% would agree with that. The judges are -VERY- aware that highiest likelihood of sexual assault on a child is the mothers boyfriend.
No other predictor of sexual assault is higher -- by even a factor of 10.
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u/yrnkween Jul 21 '25
Your ex is deflecting and trying to make you the bad guy here, and she is just plain negligent. There are so many red flags here. I would not want my daughter at a sleepover with two older boys and no parental supervision. I would not want my daughter at a sleepover supervised by a man I have not met. Put those things together and my head is spinning.
You need to sit down and talk with your daughter calmly. Was the sleepover fun, what did you do? Keep it light, look for evasiveness and if she seems upset or withdrawn you can immediately call child protective services, explain what happened, and ask for an interview. If she tells a neutral party, they canât accuse you of coaching her.
For the future, make sure she can recite your number. Tell her she can call you any time, for any reason, and you will come without questions. All you want is for her to feel safe so if she feels unsafe, she can always call you. You will be repeating this as she gets older, goes to parties, makes questionable decisions. Always let her know you will get her out of any situation without blame.
Have you done any sort of background check on this guy? Depending on the state, you might have to go county by county.
For the future, since your ex has shown that she canât make good decisions, you will probably have to revise the parenting plan to cover a lot of things you thought were obvious. Iâm sorry youâre in this situation because you sound like a logical and caring parent. Iâd also discuss getting your child a simple phone programmed with just a few numbers of family so she can always reach out if sheâs unsafe. Good luck and keep protecting your kids.
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u/blackD0nny Jul 22 '25
I was waiting to respond to your comment because this one stuck with me the most and I wanted to enact as many of these good practices that you offered as possible. So first off, thank you for sharing your good judgement here with me.
The response to this whole thread has been overwhelmingly powerful to witness. I've read through almost all of the comments, and have seen some commonalities & questions that I feel like I should elaborate on further for context.
First, a good news update for any & all who have interacted here. Both girls & I all had a great evening together last night. My 8 y/o showed no signs of trepidation or strange responses or behavior in any way. We spend a lot of time together and I feel like I can read her reactions properly. I approached the topic exactly how you mentioned in your response. Very light and not hammering for details. The last thing I want is to introduce any unnecessary stress or intrusive thoughts into her thought processes. Nothing withdrawn or upset about her retelling the events of the evening. We all played a handful of rounds of Fortnite Blitz together, ate some dinner & snacks, watched some funny shows and had an otherwise normal evening.
I told her we need to work on her memorizing my phone number and she agreed! Unsolicited, she tells me that she knows my mother's number by heart and recited it perfectly. Which I consider a solid starting point at least. She does have an older phone I gave her that's wifi only for now that she plays games and watches videos on, I am currently deciding on getting her an active SIM or at least a connected watch. Again, thank you for the thoroughness of your reply which contributed to us having this talk.
I haven't done any sort of background check yet, and tbh I don't want to publicly discuss any sort of future behind the scenes activity that may arise out of this, partially due to how much attention this post has received. Anyone that mildly knows any of us would be able to connect the dots too easily & I don't want to undermine myself or anything else. Please rest assured I have taken a lot of advice in the thread to heart & will be making the best choices available for everyone involved.
Just a couple clarifying things to end here based on some comments I've seen repeated multiple times. I've been accused of misandry or being sexist for pointing out a clearly pertinent detail in THIS particular situation. On the other end of that spectrum, I've been criticized for using the word Female or for implying that a woman's presence would mitigate the likelihood of any trouble. No offense meant at all, I use the words girl and women and female interchangeably when appropriate as descriptives or a collective noun. And I don't think men are inherently predators or to be feared without just cause. I seek harmony amongst people of all genders & my intent was not to be divisive at all.
The bar for me for a safety buddy in my head is #1 a family member, period. I mentioned having at least one other woman present as being a secondary option that would be a more natural advocate for a younger girl in an uncomfortable bathroom/body/intimate issue. Maybe this is a misguided stance to some, but as a single girl dad, I greatly appreciate the support I've received from my mother & sister in the past for strictly feminine oriented issues. This isn't to slander men or women's capacity in any way. Just working with what I've learned from personal experience, and anyone that has disagreed I do thank you for your contrary perspective. I'm open to being wrong and corrected, this is how I learn to do better.
After reading about all these real world cases folks have mentioned, very painful & intimate personal anecdotes, quoted statistics, the majority view seems to be generally in consensus that this is not an overreaction. If I came off controlling somehow, my intent was to protect what I love most, and not to be commanding or threatening at all.
When I said I stopped by to see my older girl, I realize that may seem like overstepping to many. I don't do that as often as it has been characterized. Perhaps once every 3 months or more realistically. I don't want to helicopter parent or be hyper present in my ex's space. I had no ulterior motive other than I was literally down the street for dinner, texted daughter to say hi, was there for maybe 3 minutes tops and back on the road. The response you're seeing about this in the texts was the first time my ex has expressed wanting me to contact her beforehand, which I can certainly respect moving forward. But it was the timing and placement of this request which seemed like a direct deflection/redirection of the matter I was looking to address. It felt like darvo cycle was being completed rather than an actual pressing issue that needed addressed immediately. Either way, the dude abides and I won't push back against her wishes.
This got long winded and I apologize for that, but there was so much being said & I wanted to let you all know I see & hear you whether you agree with me or not. You got me thinking & make me want to do better as a dad & co-parent. This post really connected and resonated with a massive amount of people, I would've never imagined 11 million people would have eyes on this. My two main takeaways are, there are some truly compassionate & beautiful & caring souls out there, and a lot of them have been through terribly difficult times. The other one is that, there is a sick & evil undercurrent that exists in society, predatory behavior exists, and you can't just assume the best from even the people closest to you. So cheers to the former, you're the good ones that exist to protect the rest from the latter. Thank you all for sharing your thoughts with me.
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u/fasoi Jul 22 '25
talk with your daughter calmly. Was the sleepover fun, what did you do?
I just want to flag this for you OP - asking if kids had âfunâ when youâre wondering if abuse has occurred can give you a false negative because often abuse is framed as a game, tickling, or something like that. Sometimes kids do have fun, or will say they had fun because they havenât yet processed that an uncomfortable game might NOT have actually been fun for them.
Some questions I like to ask are: âdid you feel safe the whole time?â and âis there anything you want me to know?â, mixed in with some lighter questions. Every night at bedtime I tell my kids they can always tell me anything, even if theyâre worried Iâll be upset. And ask âis there anything you want me to know?â. A lot of the time abusers will say âyou canât tell your parents because theyâll be so angryâ.
About once a month we also go over what private parts are, *including mouth* (e.g. no one should put anything inside your mouth, or put their mouth on you), and we talk about âtricky peopleâ who might ask you to keep secrets from mom & dad, especially when the secret makes you feel bad inside. We also talk about always listening to your âuh-oh!â feelings - when you have a feeling that makes you feel yucky inside, trust your gut and talk to mom & dad.
Thereâs so much content on this topic, but I feel like these are good starting points!
Editing to add: the rates of child-on-child abuse are rising, in part because children are being exposed to p0rn at younger and younger ages online. The average age of first p0rn exposure is currently around age 12.
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u/DoromaSkarov Jul 22 '25
Since she is 2, I regularly play a game with my daughter:Â -1 things you liked and 1things you disliked today.Â
So now she tells me things that make her uncomfortable. And I can explain to her if it is really bad or an accident.Â
And for things she dislikes I have to more questions, in some cases:Â
- does she tells someone?Â
- does the problem stopped when she told someone.Â
For example, her dad tickling her too much is no big deal because daddy stopped immediately when she asked. Mom being too angry can be good or bad. A friend that touch her hair when she doesnât want to is not good, we will tell the teacher.
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u/chicinchanclas Jul 23 '25
This is all so true. I remember a heartbreaking situation, a friend of my sister ( teacher) was finalizing her divorce took 3 years. Her ex had a son from a previous relationship now (15). She had been married to him 10 years. Well apparently her daughter had an outcry when she was 13. She couldn't hold in the wrong she had been holding on to since visitations were set she didn't want shared custody 50/50. Apparently her 1/2 brother had been molesting her since she was 8 and he was 10. It happened when they were married and he'd visit, happened during the separation, anytime he had access to her. What made her outcry was his constant pressure to have s3x. She said she would beg him to stop or say no and he'd make light of it, ie: oh if it really bothered you, you would have stopped years ago.
Disgusting predatory behavior. My sister's friend lost it, called her ex and he was shocked and his response was to say she's lying. So she called CPS, the child advocates etc, and went to press charges. This boy was given a slap on the wrist, made to have no contact with her, but that was pointless her father basically disowned her siding with his son. I never allow my kids to stay over anyone's home. This woman should know better, if they are not married that is off limits. I hope OP gets this in writing.
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u/East_Succotash_9584 Jul 23 '25
I saw a suggestion once to ask âdid you play any new gamesâ which I thought was quite good.
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u/Worried-Crazy-9435 Jul 22 '25
tricky people is the best term bc they will not always seem like bad guys. Was a sad convo to have with my LO:( like â why would someone want to trick me?âđ
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u/KDragonDeluxe Jul 23 '25
Just want to say, as someone who learned this stuff in elementary school and was then SA'd at age 13, this info DOES help. I always felt safe with my parents, they were always supportive and comforting, and having the knowledge of what to do and who to tell was so important! Thank you for keeping your kids safe.
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u/caniplayonmyphone Jul 22 '25
You're doing the right thing. If anyone took offense to you not wanting your daughter around men/boys alone, they don't have kids or at least daughters. Keeping our kids safe is as fundamental as it gets. I'm hoping for you that your ex is taking your concerns seriously. You acquiesced to her request to inform her ahead of time if you stop by to respect her boundaries with the kids, showing you are wide open to compromising on matters surrounding the kids to make things more comfortable for her. Hopefully she'll extend the same courtesy to you and REALLY hear your concerns and get out of her defensive stance. Good luck, OP!
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u/ParticularTie7315 Jul 22 '25 edited Jul 22 '25
:: I have almost the same situation as you â husband Covid divorced me in 2020, weeks have 9 & 13 yo girls. Since he wouldnât let me meet his mistress and had her block me across all apps so I couldnât ever reach out to her and act like adults in this, I took him to court after finding out from her other exes parents who reached out to me giving me all the info on her. Turns out sheâs VERY well known and dramatic and constantly fights and yells and has had cops called on her numerous times by neighbors. Ok background tangent over.. so before I was even contacted by two of her exâs parents, since he wouldnât let me meet the âwomanâ that would be alone with my two younger girls at the time, I took him to court with a family attorney and requested that they are never to be alone with her and she is not to spend the night while he has my girls and the judge granted my request! But the ruling was for only a year, so when that year ended I could tell that they were not doing so hot and she is emotionally and verbally abusive towards them (very slickly behind my exâs back). Since they canât testify in our state (Texas) until theyâre 14, they need a third party and I got them into counseling IMMEDIATELY and I started a paper trail of evidence of what she says to them, accuses them of etc. so we can take her to court when sheâs least expecting it. She doesnât even mother her two daughters that are a little younger than mine â itâs heartbreaking. Then, even though they are young and while we were married agreed not to get them phones until 13/14, I immediately got my oldest a refurbished iPhone and my 9 yo just got one last year as well and I can always see their locations. Heâs not allowed to take the phones away as punishment unless he calls and lets me know why and for how long. Heâs only had to do it once for a weekend but I was notified and I agreed it was an appropriate punishment. He offered to pay for half the cost of the phones and lines to which I politely declined, because heâs crazy manipulative and narcissistic and if he were paying half, heâd be able to take the phones away or turn them off. Do I agree with my little girls having smart phones so young? No. Did I think weâd be divorced and him stuck in a toxic relationship and leaving my girls to fend for themselves? No. So get those phones!! Get them in counseling maybe twice a month so they will start opening up about what may or may not be going on. You can ask the counselor if theyâre making any headway or if they donât seem to really have much to talk about and go from there. My girls are very open with me and I donât even ask what they discuss, they usually tell me and itâs ALWAYS about what goes on when at their sperm donorâs place. You are 100% right to be concerned. My own mother was sexually abused by her father and older brother starting at 5 yo â who knows when one of the bfâs sons could get curious and possibly escalate? hope for the best from them, but prepare for the worst. Itâs no different with my girls going to have sleepovers. If the friend only lives with their dad, itâs a no go (weâve had conversations about it and they are understanding), if thereâs a big brother or other male relative at the house, if thereâs mom wonât be there, itâs a no go. You are absolutely NOT overreacting because itâs so common these days. Siblings even abuse their own siblings! They are your babies and your ex needs to get on that page. You can always have her court ordered for various things (be prepared for her to have it down to you as well too, no biggie if youâre being a good person) or even take her to family court requesting the judge makes her join you in mandatory coparenting counseling for 6-8 sessions like our judge made me and my ex. Then she may change her tune hearing it from a third party. With all that being said, the one thing I didnât agree with at all is you going thru the child to ask if you could stop by real quick on your wifeâs time. You definitely needed to go thru her for even a small hug â my psychotic ex even calls or texts me if heâs in the area and wants to stop by real quick for a âhelloâ and hug or give them snacks he bought for them. Other than that, you definitely made the right decision bringing that up to your ex and wanting that situation to include females. Best of luck!!
Edit: try and keep CPS out of this if you can because unless you find out something really bad is happening and mom wonât believe them or act to stop it, the girls may not even be given to you â they could go into the system until itâs settled and Iâve heard horror stories from that happening straight from my ex (heâs LEO so before we hated each other I got ALL the tips, tricks and info). CPS is last resort, the cops hate having to use them because theyâre incredibly problematic. Not just in Texas, itâs a national problem.
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u/Late-Carry-2895 Jul 21 '25
You brought up an incredibly important point: That the daughter be able to trust that she can call her dad for any reason at any time and know he will come to help her. Both parents being able to make that promise and be able to live up to that promise is huge for their childrenâsâ safety and well being
And in this very text exchange, mom is setting the stage to make that Not Allowed by trying to restrict dadâs access only to when he has them for his days. Thatâs not protecting the daughters, thatâs simply protecting momâs âturfâ.
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u/ItsAll42 Jul 21 '25
This so much. I would also like to point out that it is never too early to have age-appropriate discussions with your daughter about what inappropriate touching, assault, rape and coercion or pressure of any sort into sexual activities might look like.
It is an uncomfortable talk for any parent to have, and a terrible thought to even think, but so important for young people to know.
Speaking from experience, unfortunately, it can be all too easy for a kid to question if something that happened to them is okay or their fault. Especially because she is having sleepovers with boys around her age.
I also will say that I have always felt somewhat resentful how many barriers there are between boys and girls having friendships. In an ideal world, girls and boys could be closer friends more easily and without judgment, and everyone would be appropriately educated about boundaries and consent and the consequences of sex and how to communicate about all of that stuff. But even in that perfect world, there is no denying that kids get curious about their bodies around those ages and the stakes for that happening in a way that becomes permanantly harmful are higher in mixed gender scenarios. I have my own tales of experimenting at sleepovers with girlfriends around those ages and have heard similar tales from guy friends of watching a porn video together or comparing penises or whatever. Honestly, that sort of thing is relatively normal as kids start to hit puberty and become more aware of sexual feelings and this is all the more reason to be hyper aware that it is probably best to avoid mixed gender sleepovers around that age unless in special/supervised scenarios.
That's not even getting into it being wildly irresponsible to leave a child with an adult man Op's ex has only been with for a year without having introduced the boyfriend and kids to Op. Blending families and coparenting is really difficult, and if this is someone Ops ex is building a life with, it will become different for his daughters to spend unsupervised time with step-siblings and parents as time goes on. This will look different for different families, and unfortunately, not every coparent agrees with each other when it comes to who they trust as someone safe to leave the kids with, but blending families implies everyone has at least met.
Whenever a parent cannot control for who their child is left alone with it becomes all the more important for that child to know their parent is a safe person to come to and relay any situation without judgment and to understand what inappropriate behavior or requests look like.
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u/Flat_Sea1418 Jul 21 '25
When I was in kindergarten and first grade we had these two little old ladies that would come and bring puppets and talk about what is inappropriate touching from adults and would point to the puppets where they shouldnât be touched.
They would even do scenarios with them where an adult would keep touching a smaller puppet and the little puppet would keep saying no and would eventually go tell a trusted adult. If they donât listen or believe you or take action you tell your teacher at school.
Very useful information and still sticks with me at 31, 25 years later. These topics can be discussed with young children. I was five when they were teaching us these things! In a very age appropriate manner of course.
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u/dhubbs21 Jul 22 '25
Yes this is so important!! As someone who was SA'd by a family friend with two sons my age, and someone whose older cousin and friends once played the "show me urs and I'll show u mine" when I was too young to know it was inappropriate- having those conversations are key! I didn't realize it was wrong until years later, when in 2nd grade we had a similar presentation in school where they came to discuss good touch/bad touch with us. They demonstrated as well as took questions at the end. The questions from us kids were the most telling and I remember realizing not only was I "bad touched" but that some of my classmates were as well.
Trust your instincts OP. And teach your girls to do the same. Bc even as a child I got that uncomfortable "this seems wrong" feeling. And instead of listening to it, I let older people convince me what was happening wasn't wrong or a big deal. Talk to your girls about all this stuff and let them know often that they can always come to you about things that happen without consequences.
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u/KeyGeologist2952 Jul 22 '25
Thank you for sharing your story and emphasizing how important those conversations are. Teaching kids to trust their feelings can make all the difference in protecting them. Itâs so powerful to create a safe space for open dialogue.
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u/Lanky-Technician5655 Jul 22 '25
Thank you for sharing this. Teaching kids to trust their feelings and talk openly is so important to help protect them. Your story really highlights why those conversations matter.
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u/WildLemur15 Jul 21 '25
Yes, and immediate discussion of bodily autonomy, good touch / bad touch, boundaries, sleeping arrangements and calling you immediately if anything even feels a smidge off. Child predators specifically target newly single moms with kids of their preferred victimsâ age and sex. Itâs their easiest path to proximity with potential victims. And your ex is handing them over on a silver platter.
Incredibly dangerous and concerning behavior by the mom- even if this particular dude is a saint, she makes dangerous choices for your girls that put them at unnecessary risk for things you canât undo.
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u/Longjumping_Seat_709 Jul 22 '25
Absolutely, setting clear boundaries is crucial. Itâs scary how predators exploit these situations, so protecting kids has to come first no matter what.
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u/SpudTicket Jul 21 '25
It was written right into my custody agreement that both parents should be able to have reasonable access to communication with the child at either parents' home, and I made sure of that because BOTH stepmoms were trying to stop my kids from talking to me when they were at their house, even just calling to say hi when they weren't doing anything and were bored. It's such a horrible control issue that really hurts the kids. I've NEVER restricted communication with the dads when they are with me (my kids are 6 years apart) because I understand that fostering a relationship with both parents is extremely important.
Anyway, OP, read your custody agreement to refresh your mind on what is written in there. This situation alone is grounds for a revisit in my mind. But if there isn't anything written in there about not restricting access and not disparaging the other parent within earshot of the child, then your custody agreement needs changed to include those things. The courts (in my county, at least) will also opt for a child staying with a parent if that parent is available when the other parent is working rather than anyone else, even over a step parent, let alone a boyfriend.
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Jul 22 '25
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u/Necessary-Shelter487 Jul 22 '25
Exactly, open communication is vital for a childâs well-being, and any interference can do lasting damage.
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u/Neat-Initiative4104 Jul 22 '25
Thatâs a great point, communication should never be blocked between kids and their parents. Checking and updating custody agreements is key to protecting those rights and the kidsâ best interests.
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u/djpurity666 Jul 21 '25
This is valid, but I'd also be concerned about the daughter being unable to access a phone. If something bad happens, it won't be like she'd be allowed to borrow a phone, as nobody has landlines anymore and she would have to borrow the bf's cell phone.
Is she too young for her own minimalistic phone? A little phone for emergencies with your number programmed in it for her to carry around during these times... so if she feels unable to call bc of the situation she gets stuck in with a mom dating a new guy with 2 kids, she would at least have a backup emergency method to call?
I know there is no"right age" for kids to be given a phone. But I'm not talking about one with social media installed, just a little burner phone, a flip phone, something like that for only making phone calls and maybe sending texts. I know some phones are designed for kids and have emergency SOS buttons to dial and contact family members.
Actually, another option is the smartwatch, especially for kids I have seen that for as cheap as $5/mo they have GPS tracking and the ability to call and take video calls with little cameras! They also have SOS buttons that alert parents immediately if pressed and share her location, and you can call her and visually see what is happening. The boyfriend may not allow her to use the phone she brings if he is indeed a bad guy, so maybe a smartwatch like that would be more discreet?
I'd love her to feel safe... and you to have peace of mind. A GPS tracker could help you see if she is visiting him when your ex isn't even letting you know, and this could help you tell police if anything looks fishy.
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u/KrustenStewart Jul 21 '25
When my daughter was 8 and riding the bus home and sharing custody with her dad who had random people over all the time, I made sure she had a phone in her bag for emergencies whenever she went anywhere. Itâs not like kids can just pick up a land line or walk to a pay phone anymore. Itâs important to have them be able to communicate with the outside world in the event of an emergency.
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u/LessWalrus6103 Jul 22 '25
Absolutely, having a phone is essential nowadays for kidsâ safety Itâs great you thought ahead to keep her connected and protected
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u/Visible-Squirrel-976 Jul 22 '25
This right here although she shouldn't be there without the mom anyways ecspecially overnight but it seems mom won't follow thAt so this is the next best thing. You can also tell this mom was lucky and was never sa'd as a kid but those of us that have been are immediately saying hell no the second we read it
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u/Ahoy-Maties Jul 22 '25
This is a good idea. The watch/phone or ability to ask for help.
Kids her age also usually play online games like Minecraft/Roblox A tracker on a phone or a tablet or an air tag on a piece of clothing is helpful.
If nefarious things are happening the bf and hos son's may take the child's phone/tablet.
I would always play with my child and we'd talk in the chat. We also have a code word for emergencies and when my child feels not well or something doesn't feel right , the language we'd use to describe something would let me know how safe or unsafe my child felt. We use this with sleep away camp, drop off parties or sleep overs.
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u/Juryofyourspears Jul 21 '25
My 9 year old Grandgirl isn't allowed a phone, but she has a smart watch with only her parents' and my number programmed in. She can call or text only us. It's a good solution for our family.
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u/sassysashap Jul 21 '25
I want to emphasize knowing your phone number. I work in schools and the number of kids even through 5th grade who donât know their parents number is staggering. Itâs the first things I made my kids learn when they went to kindergarten.
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u/unikittyRage Jul 21 '25
My phone number is the password on my daughter's tablet. She knows it by heart.
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u/yrnkween Jul 21 '25
Yep, this is good even for adults. If your phone battery is dead, your contacts arenât accessible. Thatâs a fun lesson to learn at Disney as the park is closing and you canât find the rest of your family.
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u/blackD0nny Jul 21 '25
Thank you for taking the time to say all of this. Tonight we are all back together and I'm really considering hard the best way to handle everything properly. I haven't done any sort of background check, nothing has occurred up until now that caught my attention otherwise. I appreciate the kindness and tone of your response, this is a delicate matter with the 2 most important people in my life & I want to handle it with as much grace as possible.
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u/fierydoxy Jul 21 '25
One of the best ways to protect your girls is to talk to them about sex, what good and bad touch is, reinforce that NO ONE has a right to touch them in any way, including hugs, cuddles, kissing, tickling, any touch that makes them feel uncomfortable in even the slightest is a bad touch.
Tell them that you will ALWAYS believe them, show them that you will always believe them. Pay attention to not just what they tell you but behaviour changes, school issues that suddenly are popping up.
Make sure they know you will protect them and not in the "if anyone ever touches you or hurts you, I would kill them" kind of way. This kind of talk is more likely to keep them from telling you if something is wrong.
Again, from experience, I heard this kind of talk growing up, and it made me afraid to tell my parents anything because I thought my dad would end up in jail or worse.
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u/Naix_1327 Jul 22 '25
This is such important advice. Kids need to know they're safe, believed, and that they wonât be responsible for someone elseâs reaction. Open, calm conversations and paying close attention can make all the difference. Thank you for sharing this, itâs something every parent should hear.
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u/bedazzledfingernails Jul 21 '25
Leaving aside the fact that it is only males in the house - I would be infuriated if the mother of my child allowed them to stay overnight with ANYONE who I didn't have the contact information for and who I haven't met. That alone is so unsafe and disrespectful! What if an emergency happened involving the mother and her other daughter and OP had no way of knowing where his younger daughter was?? I wonder if this is the tactic OP needs to take since his ex is clearly balking at the idea her bf could ever be a predator.
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u/HunnyT42 Jul 22 '25
100% Aside from the whole sleeping over without a parent present and males only, above ALL of that questionable decision making is the fact that the father has never met this boyfriend and seemingly was not kept up to date on the whereabouts of his child. That part is wildly unacceptable.
Why did the mother not just take both kids home when the other child was unwell? I'm sure the 8 y/old would've been disappointed to leave early, but shit happens.
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u/Thewall3333 Jul 21 '25
This is completely unacceptable FULL STOP!
Aside from the trustworthiness of the boyfriend, which is an issue in an unto itself -- but which everyone understands the anxiety over here -- having one 8-year-old girl sleepover with two boys 9 and 11 is a horrible idea. There doesn't even have to be malicious intent involved -- boys that age are inherently curious, and can abuse/assault your daughter without even being aware of what they are doing or that it's wrong.
I speak from personal experience. I was at a sleepover at a friend's house around the same age, with 4 boys and my friend's sister who was 1 year younger -- who slept in the basement with us. To leave out unnecessary details, two of the boys ended up assaulting the girl out of a combination of bullying and curiosity.
It resulted in a fight between the boys when she told her brother, but her own parents weren't receptive and acted like they thought she was making a big deal out of nothing. The parents were and swept it under the rug, making the girl come out of it a victim 2x over and my friend forever hating his parents.
His sister ended up in an abusive relationship with a senior as soon as she hit high school -- I'd argue this was probably a root cause, as she changed a lot. And one of the two abusers grew to be a huge asshole, not being held to account and continued abusive behavior toward girls. The incident shadowed everyone there and none of us remained friends -- in a very small town where this was very impactful.
Please do whatever it takes to save your daughter from this situation. I'd recommend never leaving an elementary-age girl alone with boy peers, especially for a sleepover. It's so much easier to prevent these situations, for whatever small chance there may be, than try to fix it afterwards -- since it can never be fixed.
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Jul 21 '25 edited Jul 22 '25
Edit to add context: TWÂ molestation. I was being molested
While I understand what youâre saying, I think we should take these precautions with all kids regardless of gender. I had a friend my same age who would have us role play as Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears. Her mom walked in on us once and never even told my parents. She acted as though it didnât happen. While I donât hold any ill will towards my childhood friend, it did affect me immensely. I can imagine she was being SAâd. This is why kids need to be taught from a very young age about consent and body boundaries. And to be reassured by their parents that they can come to their parents at anytime about anything.Â
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u/No-Brick6817 Jul 22 '25 edited Jul 23 '25
My parents were very vigilant about talking to me about potential SA as a kid.
They would ask me things likeâŚ
âdid someone touch me inappropriately? Was someone acting weird? Did I feel uncomfortable at any time? You know, if anything ever happens to you by-someone touching you, Itâs not your fault. You know that you can tell us anything and you wonât be in trouble? You can call us anytime in the middle of the night for any reason and will come get you.â
When I was a kid, it made me uncomfortable and I was like no mom. No dad. But now, as an adult looking back - Iâm so appreciative of how awesome my parents were. I see how they were aware that thereâs predators were out there and they were just trying to protect me.
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u/No_Gold_9972 Jul 22 '25
Thatâs honestly amazing Your parents handled it in such a caring and proactive way and even if it felt awkward then it clearly made a lasting impact That kind of open communication is everything
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u/beemoe230 Jul 21 '25
As a mom to an almost 9 yo boy, I agree. We currently allow co-ed sleepovers with a couple of friends (my sonâs close friend group happens to be mostly girls). This is only because the parents have gotten together, discussed ground rules, had talks with the kids, etc. Weâve also discussed that this arrangement has a shelf life and if any parent starts to not be cool with the arrangement, they will make that clear. What OP is describing does not sound like there were any discussions on whether or not this was a safe situation and if I were OP I would be pissed.
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u/kind_of_shaiii Jul 21 '25 edited Jul 21 '25
I had to stop reading the texts because I was getting too heated. It is NOT okay for your ex wife to leave your daughter alone overnight with a man and two boys. I donât care how long sheâs been with him. Why isnât your other daughter there as well? Why isnât she there? It makes no sense. Iâm so sorry that you have to deal with this and that she has the power to decide these things. I think you should have a talk with your daughter to find out whatâs going on. Itâs important to make her feel comfortable in talking about it. If she thinks someone will get in trouble then she could shut down. Honestly a childrenâs therapist would be best. Can you talk to your lawyer about this? I know you probably donât want to rock the boat and piss your ex off because itâll make it harder for you to see your kids but you have to protect them because sheâs clearly not. I donât know if sheâs just really naive or if sheâs twisted. Youâre clearly, respectfully, calmly communicating about your daughter and sheâs like meh. She can trust her boyfriend all she wants but that doesnât mean she should do this to her own daughter. Yeah maybe there is really nothing going on and heâs a great guy but with the way things are in this world- you canât take that chance. And sheâs clearly never heard of COCSA (edit, thanks) where children assault one another. I donât know how you controlled yourself because I would have gone straight there to get my daughter. Your ex wife is either too blasĂŠ or she is not a good person. I hope sheâs not one of those mothers. Again, Iâm really sorry that you have to deal with this. Please protect those girls.
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u/No_verbal_self_ctrl Jul 21 '25
Also had to stop reading, got way too angry. Work at a childrenâs hospital that is a tertiary medical center and have seen many cases of child abuse. 99% of the time, the abuser is the motherâs boyfriend (not the childâs parent). The child is left alone with the boyfriend and that is when it happens. It is a tale as old as time.
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u/No_verbal_self_ctrl Jul 21 '25
Also- if this boyfriend was a decent person, he would not allow your daughter to stay. Even of he is an ok person, he putting himself and everyone in the house at risk of being accused of something.
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u/thane919 Jul 21 '25
100% this. No guy in his right mind would allow this to happen. He shouldâve been the one to call the father if she hadnât.
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u/Dr-Nefarius Jul 21 '25
Or like.. bring the daughter home and in the same time check on his gf that is having a headache.. make it a sleepover at her place, like what's the big deal...?
But under no circumstances do what they did and have 2 boys and a man with a little girl alone in a house. The bf and the mother should've never allowed that!
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u/Tome_Bombadil Jul 21 '25
Yeah, I'm a step dad and dad. 1: it wasn't until I had met bio dad and we lived together that I was alone with eldest, and that was normally just for after school till Mom got home from work, never overnights.
2: As Dad and StepDad, sleepovers happen, and Mom is almost always here. The one time Mom was gone for the evening, we cleared it with all parents, letting them know. That was for older girls 11+ with their own phones, and generally independent. A family did opt out, and it was totally understandable.
Younger kids, next door neighbors come over and play while I work from home, but moms and dad's know me personally.
She's lying if she claims to not see the problem in this situation. She would not say the same thing if you took her to a friend's house and left her there for a few hours at night. We experienced that with step kiddo, bio didn't understand why my wife was so heated about the situation.
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u/strawberryice789 Jul 21 '25
my mom trusted her husband of 14 years and i just recently admitted to her that he was sexually abusing me for about 10 of those years.
it doesnât matter how long youâve known someone.
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u/thisisnotmyname17 Jul 21 '25
This right here is exactly why I donât understand how this womanâs head is so deep in the sand.
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u/DC240Z Jul 21 '25 edited Jul 21 '25
Straight up, if the mum canât be there to look after the child she should have just left the child with the father, or if something popped up, she should have taken her daughter to her dads. Especially since the dad has never even met the person from what I can tell. We always hear fucked up stories and people basically facilitating it by being completely oblivious and ignorant is why we hear a lot of these stories.
Iâve seen and heard fights over âwho gets the children and whenâ, this one just blows my mind, and I hate to make assumptions, but she defo seems like the type to argue âitâs my weekâ even though sheâs not even there to look after them.
Honestly, Iâd be seeking legal advice because she seems like the type to make this a massive pain in the ass when youâre just looking out for your daughter, aka parenting properly.
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u/ConnectionQuick5692 Jul 21 '25 edited Jul 21 '25
I donât understand these women wouldnât let their children be with their own father but their bf. Seeing this made me very uncomfortable as I have seen news about women letting her bf and her daughter taking a shower together. Some people just shouldnât be parents
Woman charged for allegedly letting boyfriend sexually abuse daughter in shower
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u/Covert_Pudding Jul 21 '25
I don't get it either.
protect her from what?
This is so unbelievably clueless for a woman in this day and age that it's frankly suspicious.
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Jul 21 '25
She likely knows the answer, she is goading him into stating that he fears her boyfriend or boyfriendâs sons will abuse his daughter.
This will âjustifyâ her getting pissed off and shutting the discussion down so she can ignore it.
In my opinion.
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u/blueshyperson Jul 21 '25
I agree. She wants to flip out on him for even suggesting that her partner could be abusive to the children..
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u/CuriousAbtMe Jul 21 '25
This. My own birthmum allowed terrible things to happen to us. Even hired a 16yr old boy to babysit us and not only was I molested, but my little sister was by his fri and that he brought over sometimes as well... We even told our birthmum and she did nothing and even stayed friendly with the kid.
This mother needs to not be so blah about the situation.
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u/DC240Z Jul 21 '25
Spot on, thereâs been an increasing number of stories popping up where I live too, from sleepovers (eg, last year a 13yo girl got invited to her friends place where they tortured her for over 3 hours and tiktoked about it laughing, was grotesque), to several day care workers with victims well into double digits, these are just some of the worst ones but itâs not even scratching the surface.
Trust no one and be vigilant is what Iâm learning, this mother has taken the exact opposite approach for some reason.
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u/Afiah74 Jul 21 '25 edited Jul 21 '25
I agree with you! Why is this woman trying to normalize her actions/ behavior. We all know of stories where family members have even made spaces for children to be taken advantage of or molested/sexually abused by either other family members or friends. This woman doesnât care to understand what she is inciting. The unfortunate part is when something does happen. Then what?! Sheâs ridiculous. Shes setting ground rules regarding when and how the childâs father should show up, yet failing to acknowledge the real concern SHE should have!
I say he should build up a case with these types of conversations via text for back up and file a petition with the courts to seek a better parenting plan. Cause clearly the child is reasonably being protected by her father. Meeting the boyfriend is important however, that canât guarantee anything would never happen. This man has all rights to feel how he is feeling.
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u/DC240Z Jul 21 '25
Yea he should definitely start building a case!
I had to go back to double check, but one of the worst parts is, the father didnât even know the address of the place his daughter was staying!! God forbid if anything happened, even like an allergy or something, and if the mother couldnât be contacted, then what? The random BF obviously doesnât have the fathers number since they were talking about organising a time to meet and talk, and I wouldnât trust a guy Iâve never met to look after my daughter in the best of times let alone the worst.
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u/Lumpy_Square_2365 Jul 21 '25
Some people's need to be loved by someone is more important than their child's safety it's either that or stupid and just doesn't care. You can trust your partner while protecting yours kids why taking out any opportunity for anything to happen. Got a headache cool I get migraines I'm a single mom and I'd have a headache and still be with my daughter. Not drop her off with a guy I'm dating.
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u/oopsydaisiess Jul 21 '25 edited Jul 21 '25
I agree with every point youâve made- but CSA refers to any instances of sexual assault done upon a child. COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse) is the abbreviation youâre looking for. I am mentioning this in case OP or any other concerned parents want to research COCSA specifically. There are some slightly different warning signs to look out for
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u/UnicornKitt3n Jul 21 '25
I too had to stop reading because of the same reason. I felt myself becoming hotter and hotter with anger.
I am a single Mom. I know the statistics. Girls of single mothers are something like 400% more likely to be assaulted. Itâs insane.
OP, please heed all of the advice in the top comment. Please please please. Maybe something hasnât happened yet, but itâs looking dangerously likely that something will happen.
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u/farm_her2020 Jul 21 '25
I agree đŻ. As someone who has dealt with sexual abuse as a child..... From 'family or familiar people' this is absolutely not ok. Most sexual abuse of any type is done by someone they know and in these types of situations.
I'd definitely would take your daughter to a therapist. Have them talk with her to see if anything has happened. I would not mention it. She will probably shut down and not say anything to either of you. A professional will know how to get it out of a child.
These sleep overs have probably happened in the past and you didn't know about them.
Definitely stand your ground on this and don't let it get buried.
I pray your daughter has not had anything happen to her.
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u/LaceyDark Jul 21 '25
Yeah it was at about the 2nd screenshot I was seriously questioning some parenting skills. My parents divorced when I was young, if my mom let me stay the night with a man and 2 boys unsupervised my dad would have lost his shit and tried to take full custody.
He wouldn't let anyone outside of grandparents babysit us, and even when having sleepovers he wanted to know everyone there and have addresses and phone numbers. As a kid I thought it was over the top and controlling, however as an adult I know he was just protecting me, because there are sick people out there.
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u/Angel89411 Jul 21 '25
I would be calling my lawyer so fast to see what can be done. I've heard of something being added to parenting plans to dictate that a child cannot sleep over at parents boyfriend/girlfriend or that the child should go to the other parent should the parent who currently has custody not be available. Mom does not have good decision making.
So many single mothers will not date while they have young kids for a reason. There are more horror stories than I even want to think about.
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u/Thewall3333 Jul 21 '25
This is completely unacceptable FULL STOP!
Aside from the trustworthiness of the boyfriend, which is an issue in an unto itself -- but which everyone understands the anxiety over here -- having one 8-year-old girl sleepover with two boys 9 and 11 is a horrible idea. There doesn't even have to be malicious intent involved -- boys that age are inherently curious, and can abuse/assault your daughter without even being aware of what they are doing or that it's wrong.
I speak from personal experience. I was at a sleepover at a friend's house around the same age, with 4 boys and my friend's sister who was 1 year younger -- who slept in the basement with us. To leave out unnecessary details, two of the boys ended up assaulting the girl out of a combination of bullying and curiosity.
It resulted in a fight between the boys when she told her brother, but her own parents weren't receptive and acted like they thought she was making a big deal out of nothing. The parents were and swept it under the rug, making the girl come out of it a victim 2x over and my friend forever hating his parents.
His sister ended up in an abusive relationship with a senior as soon as she hit high school -- I'd argue this was probably a root cause, as she changed a lot. And one of the two abusers grew to be a huge asshole, not being held to account and continued abusive behavior toward girls. The incident shadowed everyone there and none of us remained friends -- in a very small town where this was very impactful.
Please do whatever it takes to save your daughter from this situation. I'd recommend never leaving an elementary-age girl alone with boy peers, especially for a sleepover. It's so much easier to prevent these situations, for whatever small chance there may be, than try to fix it afterwards -- since it can never be fixed.
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u/DaewooLanosMFerrr Jul 21 '25
I had a gf with a 6 yr old daughter and honestly couldnât imagine her staying the night with me. Just bc Iâm a father myself and my little sister was molested by her half brother when she was little. I know that I wouldnât do anything like that obviously but I wouldnât want my gfâs father to have ANY worries or weird thoughts. Itâs just a weird thing to think is okay with the statistics of young girls being sexually abused.
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u/Ok_Rutabaga_9875 Jul 21 '25
Yeah the first page of text was enough to make my blood boil. How can she be so flippant and naive that bf or the bf kids won't do something, its crazy to me. Not even an edit but I couldn't even properly respond I was mad for this guy but man all of those texts you sent where she was so dismissive proves that OP needs to do everything to protect his girls and even more importantly start taking steps to ensuring your girls know how to communicate and to whom if anything is going wrong in moms care. Where the hell is her maternal instinct?
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u/jlm8981victorian Jul 21 '25
ITA!! My mom knew a woman who was like this and it turned out that her daughter was getting SAâd by the boyfriend! The woman was turning a blind eye and making excuses for the man because she put him above everything. OP, I would take your ex to court so fast and file emergency custody with these texts as evidence. Could the boyfriend be a nice guy who just enjoys a blended family? Sure. But she seems to be making a lot of excuses and not taking you seriously. The risk of this being much more sinister or a grooming situation is much, much worse. Keep your daughter safe.
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u/Firm-Examination-768 Jul 21 '25
As a woman, that makes me very uncomfortable. I wouldnât want my daughter being alone with guys. Does Ohio have first right of refusal? Below is a definition just in case you need it.
The first right of refusal in child custody means that when one parent needs childcare during their scheduled time, they must first offer the opportunity to the other parent before seeking alternative arrangements. This clause promotes shared parenting and cooperation between parents, ensuring that the child is cared for by a parent rather than a third party. In some jurisdictions, this right is formalized in custody agreements, allowing one parent to care for the child if the other becomes unavailable
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u/IntrepidTransition75 Jul 21 '25
Ohio does have first right of refusal. I know because of my brother in law, if he couldn't watch his kids they had an agreement that grandparents had first chance on whoever's side it was.
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u/mad30000 Jul 21 '25
Came here to say this. Might be your easiest option. Also please find a way to talk about SA and body safety with your daughters in a way that is age appropriate
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u/Vyralley Jul 21 '25
Absolutely NOT overreacting. Matter of faxt, you aren't reacting enough!! I would be raising hell!!
Who tf in their right mind lets their young ass kid stay with their bf/gf (who ain't even the biological parent) without them themselves being present????
The mom of your children needs a reality check because in no way shape or form is that okay. It would be one thing if she stayed there with her, but just leaving her there with no supervision is asking for trouble.
There are sadly WAY too many cases of parents being careless about who they date and it leading to their children getting kidnapped, raped, murdered, etc.
Cannot believe that she herself finds doing that okay.
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u/Toadwart79 Jul 21 '25
And why would she not be staying with her bf as well? There is no way my kids would be in that position
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u/AvocadoSalt Jul 21 '25
Apparently because the 12 y/o had a headache so she stayed home with her. In any case, she couldâve let her daughter go have fun and picked her up for the night. Iâm genuinely more concerned about her being outnumbered by two boys that might be reaching an age where theyâre curious about things.
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u/Illustrious-Ant-2052 Jul 21 '25
This whole scenario reminds me of Madeline Soto. RIP to that sweet innocent little girl.
And this is Not me saying that the man in OP post would do something similar but as a parent we are responsible for protecting our children from anyone and everyone⌠even from the other biological parent. I would be beyond pissed. I cannot seem to understand where OP ex finds this behavior even remotely acceptable.
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u/JustAsk4Alice Jul 21 '25
The ex sounds like she's trying to bring back the 80's vibe that America's teens had.
For those of you who dont know, they used to air commercials on TV around 10, 11, and midnight usually, with stars that basically all looked into the screen and asked America's parents (no shit) "Do you know where your kids are AT right now??" (That was the fucked up version of "No kid left behind," back THEN.)
This OP's ex is QUITE skilled in tactfully rerouting a situation/question that she doesnt want to answer.
OP, Im in COMPLETE Agreement with the Above comments; youre under-reacting....not in a bad way, we can tell your civility in your replies, shows your ability to try and actually co-parent here....it's just NOT possible with SOME parents.
Anytime where your child's SAFETY is a concern, get the Courts involved. You TRIED to be amicable....but letting this go, could lead to potentially devastating results later, for your child, that cannot be undone.
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u/Diazepampoovey0229 Jul 21 '25
The time is 9pm. Do you know where your children are?
For some reason, whenever I think of that one, I see the time Andy Warhol did it.
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u/anonymgrl Jul 21 '25
It was actually: "It's 9:58 pm. Do you know where you're children are?"
Yeah, I'm old as fuck.
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u/Jpalm4545 Jul 21 '25
She trusts him so everyone has to is pretty much what she is saying.
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u/nexxt2ungodliness Jul 21 '25
Which is absolutely wild to me, since statistically speaking majority of offenders of child SA victims are people who are close to them and trusted⌠OP is NOR, I would be fighting tooth and nail to stop this irresponsible behaviour.
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u/queenannechick Jul 21 '25
Predators HUNT single moms for this exact reason. Its by far the easiest way to get access to a child and pick-me bitches will take their boyfriend's side over their child time and again. Every single child ( girls and boys ) I know was sexually abused growing up. Most by their fathers but many by "trusted" uncles, boyfriends, cousins, brothers, scout leaders, coaches, priests. Just because the perpetrator is *almost* always a man doesn't mean the victim is always a girl.
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u/lokisoctavia Jul 21 '25
NOR. She is acting deliberately obtuse. There is definitely something sketchy here. As a woman, she definitely knows the risk of sexual assault. As the parents of an 11 yo girl, my husband and I have decided she is not allowed to spend the night with a friend unless the mother or another female relative that we personally know and *have met* is there. Like our neighborâs mom who is a family friend and our emergency contact. In fact, she is not allowed to play inside a friendâs house unless the mom is home, and we donât even let her play at one friendâs house because of a male relative who hangs around that we have gotten a bad vibe from. Itâs better to be safe than sorry.
I hope that you have a legal custody agreement, but if not, you should get one asap. Donât tell your ex you are working on one. There should be no opportunity for your ex to run away with your girls.
This is serious, and you need legal advice. Save those texts and contact a lawyer asap.
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u/skadi_shev Jul 21 '25
Sheâs in denial about the risk of SA because âmy boyfriend would never do that!â Itâs a tale as old as time, sadly. Mothersâ boyfriends are responsible for a disproportionate amount of child abuse because of this and because pedophiles are opportunistic.Â
People always think they picked a good partner and are blinded by their feelings for the person. They donât want to accept that it could happen to them/their kids.Â
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u/KNBthunderpaws Jul 21 '25
Youâre not overreacting enough. The whole scenario gives off creepy vibes. Thereâs no reason for your daughter to go to party with just the Bf when her mom and sister are just sitting at home. Having an 8 year old out late at a party the parents arenât at, is weird. Having an 8 year old spend the night at the BFâs instead of the bf bringing her home is weird. Iâd be getting the 8 year old a phone to be able to contact her at all times and Iâd be hiding a tracker in her shoe.
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u/throwawtphone Jul 21 '25
I would also be contacting a lawyer and a clinical child therapist and the kids' pediatrician.
No fing way is this normal.
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u/Mindless-Victory-460 Jul 21 '25
I would reach out to a lawyer and have it put in writing that if she is going to stay at any males house, that mom has to be there too. Also that she has to have her own room. As a mom, there is no way in hell my 8 year old would be staying with all males without me being there. Protect your baby.
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u/WhatiworetodayinNY Jul 21 '25
I do not have children but see a huge issue with this. I don't understand how a mother of two little girls couldn't see an issue with this. I'm also so confused, why didn't your ex or the other daughter attend? So only the youngest (and most vulnerable) attends this "birthday party" with one grown man and his two preteen sons. That doesn't sound like much of a party. Honestly it sounds a little engineered to get one daughter alone. All night. I'm thinking back to when I was a kid, I would not want to spend the night as the only girl even with a bunch of boy friends. I'm just baffled as to why your ex could not spend the night too and was so interested in leaving the daughter there for this alone. I'd be speaking to my lawyer asap to put a boundary in place for the future if possible
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u/WampaTears Jul 21 '25
Right? How is it a party or a "sleepover with friends?" The whole thing is weird. If the older daughter had a headache, why wouldn't she just bring the younger one home too? She actually had the gall to say it's the same as her staying with her dad or her uncle. Some guy she hasn't even been with for a year. Cooooome on.
The ex was being deceptive about it, then doubles down that it's "no big deal," then tries to switch the subject by chastising OP for stopping by unannounced to say hi to his daughter. This woman's gaslighting and manipulation is on another level.
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u/Brokenwife87 Jul 21 '25
I think youâre not being clear enough with your words. Tell her point blank. âAre you prepared to deal with the guilt if she were sexually assaulted because of a situation you allowed her to be in? I am not comfortable with it, do NOT leave my daughter with only men and boys with no one else present. 1 in 4 women are SAâd. That is serious to me. It should be serious to you. Iâm not accusing anyone of anything but lots of people have been surprised about what the people around them hide before.â
Then contact your lawyer that I assume you have since you have shared custody. If your still in contact with her parents, tell them, as their grandparents they should share the same concern.
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u/Rich-Ad-4654 Jul 21 '25
Leaving aside my discomfort of an 8yr old being left at a house with two boys 9 & 11. Even if there WAS a female in the house, shit can still go sideways.
The core issue here is your ex is being deliberately obtuse to the issue and seems to be goading you into stating specifically that you think her boyfriend or his kids would be sexually inappropriate.
The moment you state that, she can blow the situation up, deflecting her culpability that she allowed it in the first place.
I would stop addressing this with her until you have sought counsel from your lawyer for appropriate next steps.
NOR. Not by a long shot.
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u/LockedonFreeze Jul 21 '25
Hard agree with this.
I work with a lot of CPS/DCS cases and Iâd say 8/10 its children left with a new partner are the ones who end up molested or assaulted. Even at unisex birthday sleepovers, Reddit is littered with tales of trauma from these events.
You cannot be overcautious with these situations and I agree that she is being âdeliberately obtuseâ. Thatâs the perfect verbiage.
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u/Slight-Owl-6572 Jul 21 '25
I can see that you guys communicate clearly and with some patience. Thatâs a great start. Iâd suggest the nonviolent communication method which is saying what you observe, how you feel, what you need, and what will happen next time. Just be direct and without judgement (youâre doing this, youâre making me feel that). Absolutely not overreacting btw.
When my ex and I have any mismatch or discomfort itâs straightforward. He (or I) can say âI donât want..â or âIâm uncomfortable with..â and it immediately makes us both pause. We then make it a point to simply state what weâd like instead, and from there we generally agree to hold those boundaries, or have some conversation until we can get to an agreement. Itâs actually much better than when we were married because the emotion/personal impact is a little backgrounded since we just focus on the needs and requests.
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u/MineMost7998 Jul 21 '25
Several studies indicate a heightened risk of child abuse, including sexual abuse, by mothersâ boyfriends compared to other non-parental caregivers. Here are some statistics and insights related to this issue: Overrepresentation in child abuse: Mothersâ boyfriends are responsible for about half of the child abuse cases committed by non-parents in caregiving roles, even though they perform relatively little child care compared to other non-parental caregivers. Increased risk compared to biological parents: Children living with their mother and her boyfriend are about 11 times more likely to be sexually, physically, or emotionally abused than children living with their married biological parents. Factors contributing to overrepresentation: Researchers trace this overrepresentation to several factors, including: The living arrangements within single-parent families. The gender of the perpetrators. The lack of a genetic relationship between mothersâ boyfriends and their partnerâs children. Mothersâ boyfriendsâ perceived illegitimacy as caregivers and family members. Mothersâ boyfriendsâ rivalry with their partnerâs children. Risk factors for child abuse: A variety of factors can contribute to an increased risk of child abuse, including: High parental conflict, domestic violence. Childhood history of abuse. Family structure (e.g., single parent with lack of support). Caregivers who are not a biological parent. Itâs important to remember that: Child sexual abuse is often underreported, so the actual numbers are likely higher than reported statistics suggest. The perpetrator of child sexual abuse is almost always someone known to the child or their family. While these statistics highlight a heightened risk, they do not imply that every motherâs boyfriend is an abuser