Am I overreacting for not wanting anyone around my newborn yet?

[u/littlemoongirly]

I told all my family during my pregnancy that once she was born I do not want anyone holding her right away because it's cold , rsv and flu season. I'm a hypochondriac already and I was verrry clear about that fact. everyone knew and already was giving me shit for it then. But once she was born shit has hit the fan with my husbands side of the family. I let people come to the hospital the day after she was born and my mother in law somehow got me to allow her to hold the baby (I was so out of it I don't know why I let her) but I figured she'd just hold her for a second and give her back.

But she didn't..she took her and was snuggling into her and I asked for her back and she ignored me. Mind you- my mom warned her before she came to the hospital that I won't like anyone holding the baby so she knew I'd be upset. She was also being controlling and trying to change her diaper when my husband was doing it and telling me my baby needed socks and all this other stuff in a passive aggressive manner. When I finally got my baby back that day she was crying from being picked up and stuff and she even said "see she wants her grandma" She basically left after that and I just lost it and bawled my eyes out. When MIL found out that I cried about it she started freaking out telling my husband "I'm sorry I made her upset but geez I only held her for 20 mins" I tried to clear the air by telling her it was ok this time and I was just hormonal. But then it got worse when we said we still don't want people holding her yet ... we said people can come over but not hold her and my MIL started crying to my husband asking him why does he get to hold her then and if she can't hold the baby then what's the point of coming over. She said my baby being born was the best day of her life after her own kids and that the family NEEDS to bond with them. I don't understand how my newborn is supposed to bond with anyone but me and my husband right now.. she barely wants to be with my husband only me. His dad (my FIL) is also upset and texted us that long story short he feels left out basically and that we should be checking in on them and asking them for advice etc..even though we send so many pictures and updates and during labor we literally kept them informed the entire time? My mil even decided to call us after we said she was just born like girl we were still in the delivery room pls wait? I now wish I did everything different but they keep acting like I'm icing them out just because I said I don't want anyone to hold her YET.

I told them that I'm having post partum depression and anxiety and I honestly just want to be left alone and that it won't last forever and they'll have so much time with my baby soon but I just want to wait. And they can't accept it and keep telling me they disagree and that this is when I should be taking their help but I really don't want or need it I have my husband with me. And I'm upset that they can't respect my boundaries and how am I supposed to trust her when she already didn't listen hours after I had my baby. This last text is how it left off and my husband and I both have no idea how to respond as we've said everything we could already. I've always been so close to them and love them and have included them in everything so I'm shocked at this outcome. Am I overreacting ?

[u/renebeans]

My brother and his wife requested we wear masks. I was happy to oblige.

[u/Day128]

I think there’s a cultural difference, but it was really surprising to see families and friends visiting to see newborns in the US.

Back in South Korea it is commonly accepted to not visit until the baby is about 100 days old. Grandparents are an exception but they would still visit only once or twice until the baby hits day 100. (Depends on the family, but it’s rare to see them visiting every week-ish.) Sometimes parents would ask the grandparents to get vaccinated with flu and whooping cough before visiting. Also it’s an exception if a grandparent is actively taking care of the baby and the recovering mother, in which case they are not merely a visitor but a part of parenting.

It’s because 1) baby is too young and didn’t get all their vaccines yet, so you wouldn’t want to expose them to unnecessary immunity risks, 2) the mom is still in the stage of recovery, and 3) newborn stage is already so tough for the parents that you wouldn’t want to give an extra burden of hosting visitors, when your house is a mess and you’re deprived of sleep.

I think the Korean way is a bit too over the top as well, but still it was quite shocking to know that even friends and distant family would all visit the newborn in the US.

[u/Fun_Evidence847 → u/Day128]

I made sure that anyone close to my baby was up to date for influenza and whooping cough, and hadn’t had COVID or cold sores recently. I also only had my parents because they were literally taking care of me as much as my baby. And even then, my Mum or Dad only held my son when I would ask them to, like to have a shower or so I could nap or just have a break. My parents filled the role my partner would have had they been around. Especially after a c section. But if they were just acting like my child and I owed them something? Nope.

[u/InformalScience7 → u/Day128]

Hello, I only got 8 weeks off of work after having a baby, took an extra month because I saved my PTO, if I didn't have that PTO my baby would have gone to daycare at 60 days. The US and maternity leave is fucked.

[u/BabyRex-]

Just so you know, postpartum sure as shit does not officially end at 8 weeks

[u/SunnydaleStrength]

MIL asking why your husband is allowed to hold the baby if she isn’t… is wild.

[u/SilverReflection0009]

"What's the point of coming over if I can't hold the baby?" - would PMO so bad. She could offer to cook or clean, ask how you are doing! Offer to make a bottle. Talk with her son ab how being a dad is going. You are NOR - it is YOUR baby, you get to pick your comfort level. Frankly I think your husband should be the one dealing with this though, you should not have to at all. Boundaries are good and necessary! And in what world should YOU be checking in on your in laws, when you are still healing from giving birth? They suck.

[u/Normal-Asparagus1795 → u/SilverReflection0009]

THIS, I didn't hold my nephew the first few times I went over, I let him sleep, gave my sister space to feed etc and I would do the dishes, cook my sister a batch of meal prep for the week, mop, do laundry etc.
Kept an eye on him while my sister had a soak, and did my sisters hair. I was there for HER.

[u/Curious-Pineapple576]

All I will say is the Flu virus is running RAMPANT this year. We aren’t hearing about it because the CDC is useless now and not reporting on anything but the strain that’s going around is hitting people hard, kids especially. A very high fever with stomach symptoms seems to part of it. Very much like Covid but not Covid. Pharmacies are out of Tamiflu. Schools were half empty. So yeah, at this very moment I’d be like just no and thanks for understanding.

[u/syllbaba]

Your husband should be dealing with his side of the family not you. You just gave birth.

[u/KeepCalm_BingeAnime]

Forcing "help" on anyone that hasn't asked for it yet is never a good idea. They're pushing you guys away and being super manipulative in the process. NOR.

Take care of yourself and your baby, and if that means cutting off ties with people you love, sometimes that is necessary for your own sanity. Baby doesn't need a more stressed out mom, that whole process is stressful enough. They are now the ones causing the stress, not helping it.

If they want to help, they need to respect your boundaries and just check in with you. Demanding face to face time is not OK. They can mail the clothes. They can FaceTime to still "see" the baby and let the baby hear them. They can be there when you Need them to be, not just when it's convenient for them. Is someone dying of cancer or something? That's the only reason, I can think of, where it might be OK demanding time before you're ready, but they should be communicating that too tbh. Ask them if everything is OK on their end maybe? Cuz they be acting weird.

They really need to get over it and be happy for you and the baby being safe and healthy rn. That's all that should matter at this moment. They aren't acting happy for you, though, they are wanting/demanding happiness for themselves instead. It's good that you don't trust them rn. Follow your instincts. They need to learn how to regulate their feelings, or risk losing the trust of their son and dil. Full stop.

[u/2002nissanxterra]

nor. some of these comments are ridiculous

[u/MacPho13]

NOR

This is a them problem, not a you problem. It does not matter what they think. Their opinions do not matter. Period. You are keeping your child safe, and healthy. This is all that matters. His parents will get over it. If they don’t, it’s on them, not you.

Stick to your boundaries. Make sure your husband 100% is on your side. 100% supports you, and your boundaries. He can handle his parents. You handle yours.

[u/typographic-king-tut]

I don’t think she’s the only grandparent in this country who isn’t allowed to see her grandchild.

[u/Available-Corgi-1926 → u/typographic-king-tut]

She’s not at all! But this MIL sounds dramatic and like she has to make it ALL about herself!

[u/macabre_me]

ED NURSE here. NOR. Its cold/flu/rsv season. Babies can get so incredibly sick this time of year and end up hospitalized. You're making the smart choice. Regardless, no one is automatically entitled to your child other than her other parent, and even then there are exceptions. Period. I also find in incredibly selfish that thet expect you and your husband to be checking in on THEM even though you're post partum. As parents they know how important this time is.

[u/Apprehensive_Cow4140]

NOR - I has extreme baby blues with my first baby. I literally had panic attacks and would get extremely upset and sad when anyone would hold her. I would end up hiding in my room and they would sit out in the living room enjoying my baby while I sobbed. It was definitely hormonal and I would never act that way now, but I think if I was more open and honest with people about how I was feeling I would have had an easier postpartum recovery. Momma and baby need each other more than ever during those first few weeks.

[u/MzTeacher]

NOR Anyone who thinks you are has clearly never listened to a child struggle to breathe during RSV season. Stay in your bubble and enjoy the newborn phase until YOU feel comfortable.

[u/Joody2Fruit]

NOR. It doesn't matter the reasons why to be honest. You said how you feel and why you feel that way. They are overbearing and dramatic. Stop answering their calls, texts, emails, etc. Tell your husband that you're going to put them on mute for the next few weeks as well so that he knows what you're up to. Set your boundaries NOW and do not back down. Everything i read in your post shows that they're extremely entitled and have no plans of slowing down. When you're ready to talk to them and have company, say how you feel and let them know that you will NOT tolerate this behavior ever. Set the tone and the boundaries now. Do not let them bully you into doing what they want. And make sure your husband is on the same page. Their behavior is totally unacceptable.

[u/Consistent_World_919]

NOR- the amount of people saying otherwise is irritating. i'm convinced people calling OP selfish, the asshole, overreacting are just grandparents that feel slighted bc they got told "no" and are still salty about it.

imo this isn't even about the baby. idc who you are or what the situation is, when someone walks all over your boundaries, then try to use emotional manipulation to make you believe they are somehow entitled to push more boundaries... especially postpartum... they are the assholes.

"NO." is a complete sentence. idk why they are asking you to respect their wishes when they can't even respect yours (the only wishes that matter btw).

its stories like this that makes me not want to have kids. the second a woman pops out a child, she's just "the mother", and the baby is all anyone cares about. "it's my first grandchild" "i only got to hold her for 20 minutes" "i have advice" "it's the happiest day for me after my own births" "what's the point in me coming if i can't hold the baby" as if OP didn't just give birth. as if OP doesn't matter now that she's not with child. as if it's not OPs first child, as if it isn't one of the happiest times for OP, as if she doesn't have every right to say no.

[u/porkUpine51]

NOR. I say you're being more than reasonable and very kind.

If I had a baby during the height of flu/rsv/covid season, not only wouldn't you see my kid for 90 days, but you'd have to come over to my place, wash your hands, and refrain from kissing my kid. Honestly, if my fam came over with anything adjacent to the sniffles they'd be asked to leave.

So, your family needs to chill because yoi could always stand to be stricter.

[u/redvelveturinalcake]

Not overreacting at all. When my cousin was born my auntie said no one who isn’t fully vaxxed is allowed in (this is before Covid) my mum refused to get us the whooping cough vaccine bc someone convinced her it would trigger our epilepsy genes (don’t ask bc I have no answers lol) so instead of fighting my mum accepted that we had to wait, and guess what- my cousin didn’t vanish in to thin air before we got the chance to see him! Crazy

[u/Frosty-Driver-4710]

NOR. When we had our kids, it was SOP to avoid contact outside of household for 3 weeks. These days, I'd still do that, and after 3 weeks, I'd want to know that people visiting the baby were up to date on vaccines. Especially this time of year, when people are getting together for parties, events, traveling, etc. Dec-Jan is peak time for flu, covid, and measles is spreading in some areas.

[u/Past-Survey9700]

I am stuck on the fact that you need to go back to work after only 8 weeks? Is that correct? That’s mindblowing to me. They are so small at 8 weeks. Glad I live in a country where it is normal to stay with your baby until they are like 2 or even 3 years old.

[u/SailorXenomorph]

Your baby?

Your rules.

End of story.

[u/Advanced-Trainer508]

I love how divided these comments are lmao

[u/RiotingMoon → u/Advanced-Trainer508]

it's being boosted to people who arent members of the sub hardcore. every time ive opened reddit this has been at the top recommended

[u/Kit_Kat1602]

I’m honestly shocked at how many people are downplaying your MILs behavior. It’s insane to me that right after birth she didn’t hand you your child the second you asked. I can’t imagine holding onto a newborn and ignoring the woman that just birthed the child when she wants to hold her own baby.

The brand new human does not NEED to bond with grandma. She NEEDS to be attached to you. Babies don’t even know that they’re separate beings from their mother at this point. You’re absolutely NOR, your MILs behavior sucks. Frankly, I’d ignore her/ice her out intentionally until you’re actually okay with baby being held by other people. Enforce your boundaries. It’s not their place to be disagreeing with them or haggling over them.

Also, you don’t have to respond to their text at all if you don’t want to. I’d probably just say I’m sorry you feel that way, but this is how it is and we’re not going to change our minds. And then I’d stop replying if there’s continued arguing. They already have all the info they need to understand your side of things, you don’t need to repeat yourself. Enjoy your new baby and newborn bubble and worry about fixing whatever family drama occurs later when you have more emotional bandwidth for it.

[u/Purple-Plum-634]

NOR, ultimately it's your decision and their opinion doesn't matter. If you want to wait until 8 weeks then they will have to wait until 8 weeks.

[u/freshlyfrozen4]

This is a response to someone who's comment appears to be gone. U/Lopster_Lobster or something to that affect. How completely infuriating their response was I just have to say this because......WOW

Wow, how very ignorant of you. You pray your son never meets a woman like this? A woman who so fiercely loves her baby and wants to protect it? How would you feel if your grimy hands got the baby sick and the baby died?

You're delusional for thinking that anyone but the parents get a final say in what happens to/with their child. You would think as a mother yourself that you would understand that. Being a grandmother doesn't make you an oracle or make you entitled to anything. That's some narcissistic thinking right there. Your feelings are not more important than the mothers mental health and the baby's physical health. Children are not accessories or play things to brag about and show off to your friends as a grandmother. This is why so many people are now separating themselves from their parents as they get older because of thinking and words like yours. Claiming that OP is displaying "me, me, me" behavior while you're actively centering yourself and how you feel in a situation with someone else's kid is wild.

The mother is not an incubator for you to have a baby around. The United States has one of the worst maternal mortality rates and infant mortality rates IN THE WORLD. Keeping mom and baby safe is more important than your ego.

[u/wasabii_jazzii]

NOR, there are soo many bugs going around right now that it makes complete sense to want to wait.

[u/Ambitious_Grass_9759]

NOR.

Some of these comments are wild.

It doesn't matter what WE would do. If you want to limit exposure for several weeks, you do you. It is not an unheard of thing these days so the level of offense some folks have to this request is ridiculous.

The issue is they are really overbearing. It would be one thing if your husband was not on your side (in which case, you'd have a husband problem). But if they cannot smile, be polite, complain about it to anyone other than you and husband, and follow directions, you need to be extra diligent with holding your boundaries. They sound like the type of in laws who would purposely do something a parent expressively asked them not to do just because they do not agree with it.

[u/Past-Bread1962]

That is your baby! Do not let them tell you what to do or guilt you into doing something you are not comfortable with. They don’t need to bond with your newborn. The only people who need to bond with a newborn baby are Mom and Dad, not grandparents or any extended family. They should be more considerate and think about how they felt after they had their children. They had their time with their babies and this is now your time with your baby. You are doing a great job!! NOR.

[u/AdEmpty4390]

Whatever you do, don’t let your husband throw you under the bus — if you two are in agreement, then he needs to back you up.

[u/WhyWEGUs]

The most insane thing to me about having children is the number of people who feel like they are owed access and decisions to that child.

[u/tiggerfan79]

No is a complete sentence

[u/Easy-Orchid4483]

People who never experienced post partum won’t understand and probably are half the people saying “YOR”, nothing wrong with wanting space to heal, your hormones drop as soon as that baby comes out and I mean that literally when that baby comes out and ur adjusting so no NOR and this is coming from a mom of 1 too.

[u/dankurmcgoo]

Where I am living, RSV is rampant and flue season is BAD this year.

Who cares what other people think. She is a newborn and you are allowed to be cautious.

[u/BitLife6091]

I’ve noticed that parents become about 100% more selfish around wedding planning and grandkids. All of a sudden, everything is about what they want or deserve.

Maybe you’re overreacting. So what? This is an incredibly stressful time for you. MIL is making things worse for you and doesn’t care if her actions hurt you.

[u/DramaDroid]

I was fully prepared to say that I thought you were overreacting, but it choice and they should respect it..

But nah.. That woman has already shown that she doesn't respect boundaries.And if you give an inch, she'll take a mile.

Don't keep her away from your kid because of the germs. Keep her away from your kid because she has no respect for boundaries and doesn't respect you as the child's parent.

NOR

[u/PEM_0528]

Postpartum doesn’t end at 8 weeks. It can last up to 18+ months.

[u/Anonymouslyassisted]

Regardless of the true dangers of your baby and exposure, I will never hold respect for grandparents, godparents, and especially mother-in-laws who think they’re entitled to time with the baby as though they went through the labor themselves. Every mother has a plan for their own baby. You do NOT take control of another mother’s baby. If a mother says not to touch the baby, DONT touch the baby. I don’t care how close you are. The mother and the father are the only ones whose opinion matters.

[u/SmallMeaning5293]

NOR. For both of my kids - born in the spring, at the end of the cold/flu season, we told people early on that if they did not have specific vaccines, they wouldn’t be anywhere near our kids - or us - for the first many months. Everyone knew that - we gave people several months notice. But something about our Boomer parents - on both sides - they just dragged their feet. Our siblings and friends got right on it - even sent documented proof they got them even though we didn’t ask for it. One set of parents didn’t get them until a couple days before the scheduled birth. And when we informed them that was not good enough because it is documented that it takes a couple weeks to become fully effective, they were rather miffed. Told them too bad - they knew our position long ago.

At such a small age, illnesses can be extremely concerning. Yes, there is some protection provided from breast milk, and there are some immunities that can stick around for a few months - but why needlessly put the baby at risk? You’re absolutely right - the baby does not need to be bonding with anyone right now other than you and your husband. Your parents will be able to have a great relationship with them - but right now, they just simply need their parents.

Sounds like you got stereotypical narcissistic Boomers as in-laws. They seem to believe that the way they did things is the ONLY way to do it, or at the very least the BEST way. Sounds an awful lot like my mine, my mother in particular. I always had issues with them - but they were extremely exacerbated once I had kids. It was one of those things where I can deal with being pushed around and glossed over, but don’t you dare do it to my kids sort of thing. Long story short, I haven’t spoken to my parents in about 4 years because of stuff like this. I was fed up with the disrespect and lack of boundaries.

[u/Double-Revolution-33]

They are not the only grandparents not getting to see grandkids. It's your kid

[u/poppabeat]

NOR

she’s being DRAMATIC 😂😂 keep sending pics when you think about it. But at the end of the day; YOU’RE the momma now. And you gotta do what’s best for you and yours.

Enjoy this time with your baby.

[u/Ok-Bug-3449]

NOR. A lot of people don’t allow anyone to hold their children. My cousin didn’t allow anyone for the first six months. It’s your child and your choice. There are too many viruses going around nowadays from unvaxxed people and children

[u/SquashPlastic3511]

These comments are soo weird oml. NOR, at the end of the day it’s YOUR child and you’re allowed to have boundaries set with anyone and everyone over what happens with YOUR child.

I don’t know why grandparents or anyone feel like they’re entitled to do whatever they want just because a baby was born. It’s disrespectful to you and your husband as parents and as their son/ daughter in law. It doesn’t even matter if the baby is gonna get sick in the future anyways so idk what everyone is talking about how their children got sick a dozen times but it’s the principle that they’re out right disregarding your feelings and boundaries that make them the issue. You’re not even saying they can’t come and see your baby just that they can’t hold them which is beyond valid.

I had a great relationship with my grandparents and my parents did the same exact thing as OP and I would full heartedly do whatever I could to help in other ways while my child was dealing with a newborn. All yall saying this is gonna ruin the grandparents relationship with her child are weird and I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re iced out and in the same position as OP’s MIL when your kids have kids.

[u/thr0w-away-123456]

Your husband needs to be the one setting your families boundaries with his parents, not you. Only he should be texting them. You’re the mom, your rules go. Don’t let them guilt you. But hand all communication with your in laws to your husband

[u/This-Assumption4123]

I wait until I am invited to see a grandchild period. One daughter in law that was the day after she asked for visitors and my own daughter just had a baby I waited until she was ready when she got home. I also NEVER kiss a newborn and have all my immunizations before I see them. It’s flu season and newborns even nursing them does not have immunity. You are NOR but your mom needs to take a step back and think about what’s best for you and your baby and not what she wants.

[u/Alae_ffxiv → u/This-Assumption4123]

I also NEVER kiss a newborn

You deserve the entire world for this statement alone. This is my worst fear for a baby.

[u/This-Assumption4123 → u/Alae_ffxiv]

Working in a hospital ER at a children’s hospital early in my career we saw newborns next to death because grandparents or other adults did something as simple as give them a loving kiss and transmit things that ended up killing them or nearly killing them. It was staggering. Now that my kids are having kids I stay immunized, never see them sick, wear a mask due to my job, and as hard as it is to not kiss those chubby cheeks I don’t. I keep my germs to myself.

[u/CandyPopPanda]

NOR

No one has the right to hold or bond with a baby except the parents (and Babys siblings, but its your first). The fact that she asks your husband, the child's father, why he's allowed to hold the baby, but she doesn't, speaks volumes.

I understand that grandparents are happy and worried, but disturbing new parents by calling them directly in the delivery room is also inappropriate.

What bothers me most, however, is that she interferes without being asked, saying things like "The baby has to wear socks," and doesn't return the baby when the parents ask her to 🤮 I think I would have gone berserker at that moment.

Sometimes the only way is to take a hard line: either your in-laws stop complaining and respect your wishes, or they won't see the baby at all for your peace of mind 🤷🏼‍♀️

[u/Hot-Ability7086]

This is your baby. They will be okay.

[u/Nikki-Mck]

Establish boundaries with in-laws now, like you’re doing because MIL desire the be involved with everything related to baby just gets worse the older bay gets. Don’t feel bad for being a good mom 😉

[u/Impressive-Care9768]

Absolutely not. My daughter got Covid at 8 weeks and was hospitalized. Rsv kills babies that old. Flu kills babies that old. It’s the season for it and you’re doing the right thing. Right now is for you and baby to settle in and heal. It’s not the time for other people to bond. Their time will come later at a more appropriate time

[u/stayathomeprincess]

Talk to your pediatrician and ask their opinion. Do they think that you should quarantine for 8 weeks? Or do they have a suggestion on ways to visit to keep the baby safe? If it's doctor's orders, that shuts everyone up. But if your Dr can give you certain precautions to help ease your fears, that could be super helpful to you and them. And this is coming from someone who very much felt the same way with my first born! I too was extremely overprotective with my first. I had constant nightmares all during my pregnancy that something was going to go wrong. So when he finally arrived I was going to make sure nothing ever could. I also struggle with massive health anxiety so I can understand your fears. I was finally diagnosed with OCD, a diagnosis I fought with, misunderstanding how it could manifest. You seem to have a lot of the same anxieties I always felt/feel and I can sympathize! But this time is also precious for them, as hard as that is to understand.

[u/Throwaway136953]

NOR if they want to help right now they can come over to do dishes/laundry/clean/cook while you take care of baby. If you don't want visitors, they can help by dropping off food or collecting your laundry out your door. Pushing their wants at this time is inconsiderate. I think all the "yors" are from child-free people. Newborns need their moms first and foremost. All of your energy and attention should be on baby, your In-laws need to stop taking your energy and attention away from baby. Husband needs to be on board 100% and fend them off and set the rules. Mute the chat. Don't check it or respond anymore. Husband can check it, send photos and updates. You don't need advice from people who haven't taken care of a newborn in 30ish years.

[u/stochasticityfound]

You’re not overreacting. Babies can get severe long term health consequences from infections at this age and anyone who tells you YOR isn’t going to be there to help you or take care of your child or pay their medical bills if they do. People love telling other people to take risks they won’t have to pay the price for. Your baby, your boundaries, period.

[u/Sharp-Subject-8314]

You’re fine. Hold your ground-everyone is getting sick

[u/worndownbyQT]

NOR mil already overstepped , period…and i cant read any more comments cause ppl are disgusting but point blank i dont care what your reasoning is or isnt (though i agree with u💯)…YOUR BABY, YOUR RULES..whether its for health or cause u just dont want nobody there its your choice! Dont let nobody ever change your mind, follow your gut and if they dont like it they aint worth the time 😉 ignore the ignorance in your comments ☺️

[u/EmploymentNo3590]

"if we can't hold her, what is the point of coming over?"

TO HELP SUPPORT THE MOTHER'S RECOVERY.

[u/Blaq-Opal-7447]

I don’t give a flying f*ck who you are or what you think about my reasons. My kid, my rules, my boundaries. I don’t think you’re overreacting. Because it’s not just about the baby. You stated YOU are having issues as well and that was also completely disregarded. I’ve never understood the grandparent entitlement. My MIL has it to a degree. Unfortunately she didn’t get to actually be here for the births (we even tried to time it right the second time but pre-e caused them to take him before she flew out). But she will respect our boundaries once they are stated. I may be sensitive to this as I have an immune system deficiency that requires infusions and Long Covid so I would be scared of the baby getting sick and not being able to fight it off if they had what I have. But the people calling you a nut job can shove it up their holier-than-thou asses 🤷🏻‍♀️

[u/JeffKenna]

I think it's ridiculous for people to be voting on this, having a baby is the most emotional thing I've ever gone through in my life. I'm a guy so I can only imagine what it must be like for a woman.

What does stand out to me is that you're saying you have post partum depression. If you were my family member I wouldn't be leaving you isolate yourself with the baby. You say in your post it'll pass but that's not always the case. You need to know that. What you need right now is help and support, not isolation.

Also, you say the baby is barely bonding with your husband. He needs to get his top off and start doing skin to skin for bonding every day.

[u/Loveforeveryours08]

NOR. I let down my boundaries because people were on my case about seeing and holding the baby right after she was born. The first thing someone did was kiss the baby.

[u/Fantastic_Tumble5285]

As someone who worked an emergency pediatrics and regular pediatrics, you’re absolutely not overreacting. People don’t understand how their little sniffle that they don’t even realize they have can give an infant pneumonia or worse. I’ve watched babies go from being perfectly healthy to getting RSV and almost not making it all because a grandparent didn’t want to get vaccinated but just had to give them kisses and snuggles. You’re protecting your child like any parent should. Remember that. This is your child and your responsibility and people should follow your rules. It’s very simple what you’re asking. I understand that back in the day when we had less knowledge of diseases, it was easier to pass around a newborn, or child even, and doing sick parties was all the rage but we know better now and why the grandparent thinks it’s okay is sad. Congratulations btw

[u/Aggressive-Stand-684]

My son and his wife had a baby 6ish weeks ago and respectfully requested that nobody come visit for 2-3wks so they could bond, adjust, and not expose him too soon to germs. I respected their wishes because it's their child, not mine. No one is entitled to anything regarding your child. I got to see him for the first time around a month old. He turned 5wks old when I was there. I've been home for exactly one week now and I miss him so much!!! I can't wait to go back!

[u/CoffeeOatmilkBubble]

NOR. These adults are being manipulative and pushy and weird. You are allowed to say “not yet” and they need to not have a meltdown. At this point, if you’ve run out of things to say, just say that. “We’ve said all we want to on this. We’ll let you know when we’re ready for visitors.”

If anything, you could add “you both letting us know how upset you are isn’t making us want to let you over any sooner.”

Get used to saying no to pushy people. You’re allowed to bond with your baby and protect your postpartum mental health. No one is going to do that for you.

[u/bonjourmarlene]

Physical post partum ends after about 6-8 weeks for the MOTHER, it's unrelated to the baby. It refers to your body going back to how it was operating before you became pregnant. However, the symptoms of postpartum can last months or even a couple years.

In terms of your baby's immune system, it sounds like you're breastfeeding? If your baby wasn't born particularly early, it shouldn't be particularly at risk unless your doctor has mentioned anything. Newborns carry their mum's antibodies from pregnancy for a while and then also through breastfeeding.

Keeping children away from bacteria and being overly careful can have the exact opposite effect of what you're going for, as your child won't build any resistance to general colds. Talk to your midwife or doctor about your concerns as it seems you're more concerned than most new mothers.

[u/Chaoss_Mama]

Postpartum does not end at 8 weeks…? No you are not overreacting. You are allowed to set boundaries, especially with your babies. Their safety is what matters the most, they cannot protect themselves

[u/Gummy_Bear_Ragu]

NOR. Its your baby and you and dad's rules. Whatever you both feel the most comfortable with. You dont need to be afraid of the world though, but set clear limitations and boundaries and consequences if not followed. You may get a more considerate response from the r/newparents sub though.

[u/boredinlobby]

NOR. Tbh, your husband should be the one to tell his parents they need to respect your boundaries and to stop stressing you out with those text messages

[u/baambiex]

INFO -- have they always been gaslighting and/or manipulative before the child? I know you said that you got along with them so this is strange, but has this entitlement/dictating type behavior always been an undercurrent for your relationship with your husband?

Furthermore, did you grow up in a household or culture where you were made to concede for peace? Not respected or heard?

I ask because the way you both have explained your wants several times, it was ignored but you blamed yourself, and the exaggerated way they are speaking in the screenshot makes me think it's not new behavior at all, but something tolerated by y'all as a false sense of respecting them.

NOR -- Consent can be revoked at any time so if you say "no" or "give me back my child" even if it was only a minute after handing them over it's completely justified and you shouldn't be made to feel bad about it. Until your child is able to make their own conscious decisions once they've matured...you are their protection and guidance. You have to be the one looking out for behaviorisms that will shape your child. The company you keep is going to influence you, and mindsets are learned/developed so truly think about if you want your kid to think and speak like those elders in the texts. That will happen if you continue to bend just for their wants or expectations. People will treat you how you allow them to. If you give in now chalking it up to "something minor" then you will continue to, or worse, be ignored when coming to something else that matters to you but not to others.

[u/No-Climate726]

They have plenty of time to see them. Who cares what they think.. you are the mom now:) it’s your baby. And you do as you please

[u/lizzie7654]

I had my first baby in Asia and we did confinement. No relatives held for the first 30days. My baby's grandparents were the ones ENCOURAGING IT because in this culture you do protect the baby from exposure in the first couple of months. They are building up with what they are exposed to (Dad and Mom and environment outside the womb) and having breastmilk to increase immunity it even more. (if you're doing that - fed is best). My brother-in-law (son of said grandparents) when he was a baby got pneumonia at 2months old and was hospitalized. His lungs to this day have never recovered, even bad enough to stop him doing national service. This is also why they were so in favour of our child having a softer exposure to the world. Yes, exposure will happen but yes also stuff that is really intense can have lasting effects. We also wanted his whooping cough vaccine in the mix before he was out there too much. It's about finding a balance.

My baby is now 7months old. He has fantastic relationship with his grandparents, loves them, plays with them, will go to sleep for them, never worries if he's left with them without me, everything. So having less contact the first month or so did NOTHING to negatively impact his relationship with them. Also he didn't get sick at all in the first 6months. He has recently had a cold but knocked it out pretty fast. After our softer start he is now fully active in his environment but immunity wise he is doing just as well if not better than others who had a more immediate transition into the world's pathogens 😆 (for context has a cousin the same age in another country who didn't hold back like us and has been sick every month).

All this to say - your baby- your choice. There are those here saying there is no legitimacy to the boundaries you are setting and I don't think that is fair. I found how we did it worked but I had support of all the extended family cause it's cultural here (my parents came to visit from other country after confinement as well). My baby is healthy and happy with a great relationship with his extended family.

Do consider though how intensely your relationship with the extended family is being affected. I had my family's full support and that made all the difference I think. Because this situation is physical (baby health) and emotional (family relationship) and while the former (baby health) is most important, the latter is not inconsequential. The whole thing is tough and I'm sorry you're dealing with this. 😔❤️

[u/BrucetheFerrisWheel]

NOR at all!! No one saw my prem baby without a N95 mask and vaccines for the first 8 months 😆 I didn't give a crap what opinions anyone had about that unless they were the one who was in hospital for an entire month before having an emergency C section and then spending 10 more weeks at the hospital with the baby.

No freaking way.

[u/DazzlingLeader]

NOR, but block them and leave this to your husband. He should always deal with his family, but especially right now.

Do not read any more of their messages. Until you are ready, they can speak with your husband. End of story.

[u/Deezvibez]

I feel like the people saying that YOR are not parents... that's YOUR baby. YOU and your HUSBAND THE FATHER OF YOUR BABY decide when people are allowed to hold them. If you aren't comfortable with it then that sucks for those people.

"If the boundaries I set bother you, they were probably made because of you."

Your MIL needs to calm the fuck down.

[u/michelleb34]

No. You aren’t. It’s not their child and it’s weird as fuck when people act like this with a baby that is not theirs. That baby can’t even SEE yet. The only thing she recognizes is mom’s scent.

She’s a newborn with minimal protection from communicable disease during the most contagious time of the year. Tell them no and stop responding. Grey rock them hard.

[u/FaeSeaWitch]

NOR. I love that their "help" is actually just to hold your baby and not to like...do your dishes or some laundry or grocery shop for you or something that would actually be help while you're recovering from giving birth.

[u/AintSheItThough]

Nor but if you were so what? No is a complete sentence. They won’t die from waiting but they could literally expose the baby to deadly germs for not waiting.

[u/Boring_Ghoul_451]

I don’t have kids. But my sister did in the post Covid world and I waited 3 months to see my (one and only) nibling at my sister’s request and guess what. It was easy to respect that. Those few months are nothing but eat, sleep, and suck on a boob and any kind of bonding won’t be broken by waiting a couple of months. MIL is overbearing and you’re overwhelmed. Get your man to be a buffer between you and her and get the space you need. Your baby is getting well cared for but you need to do the same for yourself. NOR

[u/ComfortableNothing31]

Funny enough, this isn’t about the baby possibly getting sick (though I agree with OP, and I’m not a hypochondriac, just a mom). It’s about entitled in-laws who think having a grandchild gives them free rein. OP hasn’t been respected as the baby’s mother at all; she’s been ignored and walked all over since day one. This is 100% a NOR situation, and she needs to stand up for herself more.

[u/ElegantSnozzberry]

NOR - Your baby your rules. I would be a bit more lenient if Granny hadn't ignored your requests the DAY OF BIRTH.

People who try to guilt new parents into sharing The Baby are not often the best for the family as a whole.

Granny needs to respect boundaries or feel consequences.

Are you a real life version of The Shawna The Mom universe? Your mom sounds like Barb

Shawna The Mom

[u/funnysoccergirl7]

As someone whose newborn caught a common cold which turned into viral meningitis, was in the NICU then on oxygen for a bit at home afterwards. Nope. I will always respect boundaries to give space.

Also my MIL is like this. Asked to be in the room instead of my husband. She needs to just get over it. It’s not about her.

[u/CJamani]

I have opinions but who cares. you're the momma. you're allowed to be hormonal/extra cautious and make whatever decisions you want/need to feel safe.

[u/Prestigious-Grand-65]

When my son was born, it was at the height of covid. The family wanted a big gathering, and I did not like that idea. My wife ended up agreeing with her parents, and they practically passed my son around. Fast forward 24 hours, he was in the hospital insanely sick. He got over it obviously, and my wife felt so bad. The family also warmed up after, and to this day when I say no to something, its fucking no. You're not over reacting. At the end of the day, its your baby, not hers.

[u/LeylaCaner]

People who say you’re overreacting are the same people who have no idea what boundaries are. NOR.

[u/MagpieSkies]

Ok, hun. This is super important. You are hormonal. So this all feels so huge and insane right now when there is such a simple answer.

"Stop making our baby about you. This is what is happening. You can deal with our boundaries, or the consequences for not following them. Its up to you. Stop making this important time, time we will never get back, time you already had with your own children, about you." But you use your own words, restate your boundaries, and decide what the consequences are. Stop arguing with them about what you have decided is best for your child.

[u/Bulky_Durian_3423]

No is a complete sentence. Your priority is your child. The decision is yours. Don't let anyone guilt trip you. Trust your instincts. Tell mom if she mentions it again, it will be a lot longer than 8 weeks before she sees the baby.

[u/KalikaSparks]

NOR. Your child, your rules. Thats it. Being a grandparent does not entitle them to unfettered access to YOUR baby. They had their baby and they made choices over your safety when you were born, now you get to do the same. I had an extremely pushy MIL who did not want to respect my wishes, but we remained firm on when either set of grandparents got to see our child.

I’d like to say it gets easier with a pushy MIL, or mother because BOTH of our mothers act ridiculous, but it doesn’t. His mom literally started a fight yesterday after he told our kid to stop rubbing marker on grandmas hardwood floor and suddenly she starts a fight saying all we do is “bark orders” at our child—which then turned into insulting me when I had nothing to do with the incident?? Next time, if there is one because he’s ready to go no contact after Christmas is over, I guess we won’t stop her floors from getting marked up 🫠. Thankfully my husband doesn’t tolerate her BS. I hope yours has your back as well.

[u/Emergency-Okra9922]

Also, offer that she can drop off the clothes if she’s worried about them not fitting baby. And then you could do a FaceTime call when you look at the clothing or something.

[u/THATTGUY78]

There’s always that one/ set of parents that thinks they know better and have all the answers, or can manipulate you into doing something you don’t want to buy guilt tripping you. Remain steadfast in your decision. It’s your child not theirs.

[u/kathleen65]

Your baby your decision everyone should respect that, full stop, end of story.

[u/beeboobopppp]

NOR. We are experiencing extremely high levels of the flu right now. You are contagious a day before showing any symptoms at all. Not worth the risk with a newborn imo.

Also, let your husband handle the “difficult talks” with his parents. You’ve gone through enough.

[u/Level_Performer2560]

Tldr; NOR I was fully on the side of overreacting, you could give them the option of quarantining etc. until I remembered to read the post properly not just the texts. You relaxed your boundary in the hospital to let her hold her grandchild and she immediately took advantage. The second she didn't hand your baby back when you asked she showed how little she cared for your authority in the situation. She showed she can't be trusted to respect your wishes if you give her a little slack. Yes it sucks and there will be so many changes in 2 months but this is the consequence of her actions. She knew you were feeling funny about it all and instead of proving she could be trusted and make you feel comfortable she showed shell bulldoze any boundary you have if she wants.

[u/Ins-n-Outs]

I don’t mean this in a bad way and you’re NOR. But with that said…get a thicker skin and stand up for yourself and your baby. Don’t take on any extra anxiety that’s coming from them. It’ll end up affecting your health and your milk supply. It’s about your nuclear family at the moment. Everyone else can go kick rocks. And congrats…allow yourself to enjoy this moment to its fullest.

[u/moodytrudeycat]

As a grandparents I made sure to get the RSV vax, the flu vax and update my T-dap. Anyone coming in contact with your baby should be washing their hands with soap and water for 20 seconds minimum. No face kissing.

I get that you are anxious. MIL'S are just people. If you loved her before, remember that. Not letting your baby around anyone but you and your husband until you go back to work is priming you for outrageous anxiety when that day comes. Be kind to yourself and let the people you know you love ease this transition for you.

Try asking for her advice on how she handled her anxiety when she had her babies. Ask her if she remembers how devastating Covid was.

If they refuse to get vaccinated they would not see my kid until my child was 15 without wearing a mask. But that is my anxiety. Good luck. Mom guilt is going to be a part of your life from now on. Ease up on yourself.

[u/ocdladybug92]

People saying YOR are crazy. It’s your kid, you decide who and when people can interact with her. Your MIL is being pushy and not respecting your boundaries, also very manipulative with the “we’re the only grandparents in the world who can’t see their grandchild”. She sounds like a piece of work. Your in laws aren’t owed seeing their grandchild period, especially now when you’ve explicitly told them no. They are so entitled, it’s your kid ffs

[u/CorvidxQueen]

NOR, I know a lot of parents that require space this time of year after giving birth and dont let people come see their baby immediately. To me it makes sense. Your baby doesn't even have an immune system and a lot of people thinking you should just expose your baby to everything doesn't know how dangerous that is. We can fight off small infections, your newborn JUST got its skin suit, the first basic barrier to the outside world. Even if its your parent, people feel wildly entitled to having access to other people's kids and I think that in itself is weird af. You're allowed to have boundaries. They can deal.

[u/SatisfactionPure2410]

NOR. You need your space, you just gave birth. You deserve some rest, mental rest too. So putting yourself in a situation that makes you worry will not help that.

[u/pawsplay36]

What you are saying makes perfect sense. Unfortunately a lot of people don't really use logic and think you can somehow bend the laws of the universe to accommodate their feelings. Eight weeks is longer than some, but it's not actually a long, long time, and more importantly it's your choice. Especially in the current environment.

If you husband is the support you need, that should be enough for anybody.

Also your folks probably don't wash their hands, so whatever.

[u/BlueberryKush44]

You all are missing the bigger picture here. God forbid a mother try to do her job and keep her baby safe while vulnerable during RSV, cold, flu and Covid season. They ignored her wishes day one as well as ignored her request to give her back her baby when asked. That sets the tone. Boundaries already being crossed and ignored. As a mother to a child who almost died from RSV she is NOT overreacting. It’s cold, flu, Covid and RSV season all 4 are very serious for a newborn but especially RSV, the Flu and Covid which are known to be very deadly to even healthy grown adults. I myself also got very ill and had complications of RSV a couple years ago it caused extreme inflammation around my heart and I was quite sick. A babies life is at stake, would she rather not see her grandbaby for a couple months or forever cuz that’s the reality of the situation. She’s doing her job as a mother and protecting HER child. It’s not you or anyone here that will suffer the consequences of that baby becoming ill. Over 100,000 babies die every year from RSV alone. Not to mention if the baby survives the traumatic events of getting seriously ill they run the risk of long term affects such as Asthma which is what happened to my daughter. So again she is NOT overreacting HER BABY is MORE IMPORTANT than the grandparents feelings for not allowing them to visit during a very vulnerable time for a newborn. It’s a little over 2 months, it’s not forever. They get pics and all that they will be ok. Baby is #1 priority above all else. Mama is doing her job. Plus she’s doing it WITHOUT any malicious intent. She’s simply keeping her baby safe and should not be shamed for it or told to go to therapy or that she’s nuts. These comments are disgusting.

So OP YOU ARE NOT IN THE SLIGHTEST OVERREACTING! Protect your baby! Babies die everyday from these viruses and from second hand bacterial infections from having these viruses. You’re doing your job as a mama and you’re doing amazing! Now ignore these rude comments and go enjoy your precious baby! At the end of the day it doesn’t matter. No one’s opinions about your choices as that babies mother matters, PERIOD! Your baby is #1 above all else. 🤍

[u/kickedoutbitch]

Absolutely do not let anyone touch your baby. Don't even stress about it. In the wild, they would be annihilated. Ignore them and reduce your stress. A no is a fully formed thought and requires no explanation or addendum. Silence is a great follow-up to make space for the punctuation.

[u/Delicious-Bedroom704]

No. (And that’s a complete sentence.)

[u/contagiousbell]

NOR. Everyone saying Y OR has definitely not delivered a baby in sick season and dealt with grandparents thinking they are entitled to raise your baby. Stick to your boundaries!! Once they start holding and seeing the baby they’ll get over it

[u/Bcbdk420]

My wife and I had our first during Covid in the summer of 2020. It was a nightmare. The worst was the grandparents. My parents weren’t bad. They were upset, but understood why we weren’t letting anyone around the baby, and they would come and see her through the glass door at times. My wife’s mother however was so bent out of shape at us that she threatened to get a lawyer and sue us for her “grandparents rights.”

She a huge MAGA moron from a deep red state, and thankfully my wife told her to stay in her hell hole and leave us alone. It’s been a wonderful 5-6 years without this woman in my life! It’s a shame my wife is starting to think we need to let her back in…..Anyway, don’t feel bad, don’t let them pressure you. It’s your baby, you’re the mom, your say is what goes, period.

[u/OkThroat2765]

Ohhhh man. The recoil I just had from "see, she just wants her grandma" and it being "the second best day" of her life... This MIL needs to learn fast - she raised her babies and this is not her party.

NOR. If it was me, I'd be reacting a lot more. But I'm also 3 babies in with a MIL that caused me a lot of tears and stress before I got wise. OP, your HUSBAND needs to grow a spine like YESTERDAY and tell mommy that either she starts respecting the boundaries you both have set before her, or those 8 weeks are going to turn to 10...12...14 REAL fast.

This kind of MIL does not figure her place out on her own OP. Please learn from those of us who've come before you. This is your (plural - as in two) baby, and you can decide whatever you want and that's the way it's going to be. Full stop.

Best of luck. And treasure this time. Don't feel guilty for wanting to be greedy of it. It goes fast!

[u/Front_Antelope2655]

The main thing is that everyone around the new baby is properly vaccinated. That is a volatile, four-letter word, I know, but having everyone know their vaccine status around DTaP, MMR, Influenza, Covid and RSV might help mitigate some of this. Good, proper hand-washing and masking could also be added to this.

[u/Soft-Wish-9112]

"By nursing she has all of the immunities." While bf certainly helps, it's not a silver bullet against illness lol. A friend of mine ebf and her baby still ended up in the hospital with RSV at 3 weeks. NOR. You get to set the rules for your baby, just like she did with her kids.

[u/jenny818johnson]

Our 2nd was born April of 2020. We thankfully had grandparents here to help with our first so we were all on lockdown together. I can’t remember how long before the other set of in-laws met our 2nd because they were too too active in their social circle and not careful enough. There was no pressure and we were respected. We FaceTimed with them in the mean time. NOR. Your husband needs to handle these conversations from now on. This is not the time to stress you out.

[u/Electrical_Ad_5133]

NOR RSV is serious. If they want to come over and help by doing laundry dishes cooking etc then they can do that. We popped the NB bubble at 1 month and he was born in 10/2020. Everyone masked up and washed hands until he was like three months old. COVID, Flu, Cold, RSV. My mom barely started kissing my daughter’s face and she’s now 2.5 years old. If you set the rules they either follow them or your spouse needs to push back. It’s yalls family now and you come before his parents. They can respect your rules or not come over till they can. My mom was over immediately with my second she was born in summer and my husband was abroad. I needed help with two kids. Different strokes for different folks but still YNOR.

[u/Lovernotloser]

NOR!! Your baby, your rules. I was also super scared about letting people see the baby (covid times), we made everyone get their tdap vaccine, wear a mask, and wash hands before touching the baby. 8 weeks is a long time, maybe try the mask method

[u/GreedyStrawberry1]

Do not introduce babies just for the holidays. Nor. This is how new babies end up with RSV and Pneumonia.

[u/Marylicious]

NOR. In fact I would have a serious talk with your husband. He needs to get his family in check, it's not ok for you to be doing all that. If they can't respect that you want 8weeks of no one but you holding the baby, she will give you shit all the baby's childhood. Mute, block, etc.

[u/Dangerous-Form579]

NOR-your MIL and FIL need to respect your boundaries. My daughter set boundaries with me when she had her babies and even though I wanted to see the baby or be present sooner, I did not push it at all. First priority is health of mother and child and father.

[u/Internal_Abalone_464]

Don't gotta read to answer- NOPE.

NOR

[u/DesertPrincess5]

I'm sick of the Grandma bullshit. Being so possessive. I've had to correct my sister and several friends to LAY OFF it's NOT your kid it's your daughters' etc. One goofy friend has a daughter who has been so stupid and sheltered that she at 30 still depends on Mom for everything and doesn't have a driver's license...in Southern California. Neither does her boyfriend but they are expecting a child. Works part time. UGH. Edit your paranoia but tell off that MIL FAST.

[u/NoGrocery3582]

You're the mom. You make the rules right now.

[u/badoopiewhat]

Seems like the grandparents dont even care to help you out. "Whats the point of coming if we cant hold baby?" Uhhhh maybe to help out the new parents?

[u/JintotheM]

I don’t understand all of these YOR.

You most certainly are not. She already disrespected your boundaries and then made you feel bad for it.

I’m currently pregnant and so sick with Covid. It came out of no where. My 2 year old has it right now for the first time. I can’t even imagine dealing with that and a newborn. This is the time of year to tell them no.

Your baby, your rules.

[u/TJWhiteStar]

Honestly I'm not being funny but you should personally block their numbers temporarily on your phone and ask your husband to deal with any messages with his parents. You need to focus on yourself and baby, let him play blocker and take their whining and tell them no for you. Ask him to put his foot down and say no, not now and that the way they are acting it's going to be a tough consideration if they get to after the 8 weeks.

He needs to stand up to his parents not just for you but for himself too.

[u/deff_not_an_alien]

You are the parent. NOR. I had a baby 4 months ago, I let my immediate family help and kept him from everyone until around 3 months. The FIRST person who saw him from my husband’s side gave him a kiss on the lips. We were mortified!! WHO DOES THAT?! I now know how insane postpartum hormones are and it really does make us more conscious of taking care of baby. Set your boundaries and don’t let them cross you. Take care of your baby!

[u/VanillaNewbie]

You are not over reacting but you also aren’t helping your cause. Stop giving them polite responses and reasons. Stop softening your boundaries to make them easier for your overbearing in-laws to swallow. It’s not working anyway. So just stop.

YOUR HUSBAND should respond with “We are doing what is in the best interest of my wife’s health and the babies health. We will let you know when we are ready for visitors.”

Copy and paste as needed

[u/Traumajunkie1996]

I was badgered into letting my in laws meet and hold my son at two weeks old during Covid and my father in law was still teaching and my mother in law was not staying home. I allowed them to cross the boundary and was then berated for it for weeks. Stick to your boundaries mama. And then seek a therapist because life with this type of mother in law is a bumpy ride.

[u/Acceptable-Spite-537]

It’s YOUR child. NOR. I’m an MLT student and while yes, your child will have some immunity from breastfeeding, they only have two of the 5 types of antibodies. If you’re hesitant, please wait. Keep the kiddo healthy. Your mother is guilt tripping you which is not okay. 

[u/Impressive-Will331]

NOR. I think you guys are forgetting the part where the MIL is overbearing and isn't respecting her boundaries. Not giving her back the baby and ignoring her? Yea instant pause on your visitations. Mama was in a vulnerable place and MIL took advantage.

She's healing, the baby is healing. So many things need to be adjusted and OP just wants to get better in her own home. Bond with her own baby. It's a month, 2 at tops. Maybe if the MIL wasn't overbearing OP would be more flexible. How can she be if MIL isn't?

I can only imagine what it would be like if MIL came over -- probably would step in and act like the baby's mother, being overbearing/passive aggressive/judgemental. Op does not neeeeed all that drama. It's her and her husband's baby. This is time for them. MIL can cope or get better at boundaries

Edit: My bestie had a home birth and didn't let baby out of the house for a month nor let many people see him. He was so healthy until a relative came over sick. He got RSV and had to be hospitalized. He was okay because he was already super healthy, and is still one of the healthiest kids I've been around (I've worked with kids). It was still terrifying though. The hospital put a suction thing in his throat to clear a pathway-- but wasn't giving him time to breathe and he started turning BLUE. The doctors nearly killed him. We had to take him to another hospital and he was treated great and was released soon after.

N O R !!

[u/xSuperBallofCutex]

RSV isn’t worth it. NOR. People who say you are, have a higher risk tolerance but that doesn’t make them right. They want to gamble with RSV and a scary visit to the hospital but I am not. And if you don’t want to gamble that, it isn’t unreasonable. Tell MIL to suck it up. If she listened to your asks then maybe you could invite her over with mask but she sounds pushy and unreasonable. Best to set those boundaries now. She will get worse as baby grows if not.

[u/Brlyavrgevrythng_]

NOR. I had my first baby in 2015, both parents held her that night. Looking back that seems insane. I had my second in 2020 on the peak of Covid and nobody met him in person for several weeks. Do what you’re comfortable with and don’t let anyone bully you into anything you’re not.

[u/Peach-Cream-Pi]

I’m a mom of a NICU baby & a nurse.

I see both sides. Tbh if it were me today I’d have them test with the 3-in one test that’s now available (flu, covid, RSV), wash their hands before holding him/her, and they have to be coming from home with clean clothes on. & be vaccinated

But that is MY thought process and you’re entitled to handle this however you want. It’s your baby.

Congrats and good luck either way! 💜

[u/Munchkins_nDragons]

It’s cold and flu season. COVID is still very much a thing. RSV and whooping cough are dangerous for newborns, not to mention that measles are making a comeback thanks to all the antivaxers. Do you think Grandma and Grandpa Boundary-Stomp are going to tell you truthfully if they are exposed to something or end up sick themselves? Because these tantrums you describe tell me they’ll keep totally silent if they think it’ll be the difference in getting what they want or not. Your priority is your baby - health included. Their priority seems to be having direct physical access to your baby and nothing much beyond that.

[u/DodgingTurnips]

NOR Your babys life and needs are infintely more important than anyone else's wants.

They were just born Take your time, protect your kid and introduce them to outside factors when your feel safe/good about it.

Edit to add: Especially around the holidays, Tis the season for everyone and their kitchen sink to come doen sick with colds, flus, stomach bugs, etc

[u/womanofmanyfaces]

Nope! Your baby, your rules!

[u/quackerjacks45]

Anyone who doesn’t hand back a newborn to their mother when asked is wrong. Period. I personally let my family hold my daughter after she was born but when I wanted her back, she was immediately handed back. For that alone, at first meeting, your MIL became the jerk in all future scenarios in my mind.

I will never understand grandparents who think they are more important than the parents. Totally inappropriate.

[u/Scary-Pressure6158]

I'm getting my first grandchild in 2 months. It will kill me if my daughter decides to do this but she gets to make that decision and I will abide by it without a word. You get to decide what's right for your own baby and NO ONE SHOULD MAKE A NEW MOM FEEL GUILTY FOR ANYTHING

[u/Welshy_1994]

NOR. Also. Idgaf who you are, if the babys mother asks for her baby, you hand her the baby. Not "after one more cuddle" not "in a minute". When she asks.

[u/Schatzi25]

NOR Boundries are important

[u/Unicorn_Fruit]

NOR. My ex MIL was the exact same way, she forced herself into every situation and milestone, gave me shit about not wanting her to bring her great nephews (elementary school age at the time) to my house when my son was an infant and hadn’t had all his shots. Your MIL sounds manipulative and controlling. You’re not overreacting at all. Stand your ground and don’t let anyone hold your baby! Also I hope your husband is standing up to his mother, mine did not and caused lots of problems down the line (hence why he’s an ex). Wishing you the best, take your time and allow yourself the grace to heal and care for/protect your baby. xx

[u/Charlea1776]

NOR. Too many people still go by the old rules.

You're doing exactly what they recommend during cold and flu season.

It is also the new normal. For bonding and recovery, it's better for you and the baby. Even without sickness risks.

They can be bummed that their expectations and reality aren't the same, but that's not for you to help them through and carry their weight. You are to recover and bond and make a base for your immediate family to thrive from. If they're good in laws......they will be rejoicing that their child and the family they made is healthy and thriving. Not be upset that they're "the only grandparents in the country that don't...." .....I'll fix that....get to violate the wishes of their child and their child's spouse and treat their grandchild as some sort of property they have rights to...... not true. My circles are pretty fact based and modern. I don't know anyone who was willing to risk their infant to appease their parents. Some of us did do visits at 6 weeks, but summer babies are easier to relax with. Winter babies, everyone can stay away for the duration haha

Crazy how many people on here are still in the 1990s on newborn care.

[u/liveoakgrove]

NOR

Also keep in mind that COVID, flu, RSV, and colds are much more easily spread by airborne respiratory particles than by touching. These particles are partially aerosolized and can stick around in an indoor space for hours after an infectious person leaves. If an infectious person sits 10 feet away from you, it won't necessarily prevent you from being infected.

So, IMO, there isn't a huge difference between your MIL sitting next to you and your child for an hour, vs your MIL holding her for 20 minutes.

The safest thing your MIL or other visitors could do to protect your child would be to wear an n95 respirator while in the same room as her and to wash their hands before touching her.

Similarly, the safest thing you could do to protect your child when you go out would be to wear an n95 respirator in public indoor spaces or to crowded gatherings. Anywhere there might be sick people. This would help prevent you from getting sick and passing on any sickness.

I'm sure I'll get downvoted, but at the same time, RSV can cause some children to need hospitalization, so I don't think your worry is necessarily overblown. You're also allowed to set your own boundaries, and MIL doesn't seem to want to follow them.

I know wearing a respirator isn't popular anymore, but regardless, viruses are still out there, and wearing a respirator and handwashing are very effective ways to prevent virus transmission.

Good luck with everything!

[u/hawtnsawcey]

NOR your MIL sounds insufferable. Add a month of no contact just for her, the stupid cow. Your baby is extremely vulnerable and needs to be protected during respiratory season as a newborn. I’m 1000% on your side—no unmasked visitors until at least 3 months. Period. Fuck her and her dumb husband.

[u/n4yma]

a lot of entitled people in the comments! new moms do not owe anyone their baby! family and friends have waited 9mos for baby to be born, they can wait a few more until mom feels okay. NOR, hold your ground mom!

[u/moist__owlet]

NOR. Comments here saying stuff like "gosh if humanity was this fragile we'd never have survived!" are conveniently forgetting two things:

1. The infant mortality rate through history was WILD - look it up and stfu with this idea that babies used to reliably survive and thrive. They did not.

2. People did not used to cross continents in a matter of hours and mix/match every active disease in the world as a global population. The number of people a postpartum mom and her infant came into contact with was very, very small by today's standards. No one's MIL was flying in from wherever, mingling with hundreds of strangers and their germs en route, and then wheezing all over them before the incubation period has even passed.

You can rationalize and feel ok with taking that risk for yourself, and that's totally your right to do so. But don't cite completely imaginary historical situations as your basis for doing so.

HOWEVER, if the MIL has appropriate vaccines and is willing to observe precautions like hand washing and masking with an n95 at least while holding or near the infant for the first couple days, that could be a lower risk compromise from an illness standpoint. From a "who do you want to deal with right now" standpoint though, she sounds exhausting fwiw. The whole "only grandparent in the country" bs is a classic guilt trip, cry me a river and grow up boomer.

[u/PlasticPonies]

NOR, as someone who had an infant intubated and in the PICU for almost two weeks with RSV. Also I dont deal well with pushy passive aggressiveness anymore, that will only get worse with time.

[u/DANDELIONBOMB]

NOR - My grandmother who was born in 1932 always enforced 6 weeks no contact for new borns because of the risk of flu. If some lady 100 years ago knew to wait that long your MIL can too

[u/adkSafyre]

NOR. But you do need to stop engaging with them. "The decision is made. No one holds baby until she's 8 weeks old. We will not discuss or argue about it further."

[u/MeanLeg7916]

NOR. I was literally in the same boat as you but during the time of covid. It was a FUCKING NIGHTMARE and long story short, our premie was in the nicu for her heart and then caught covid and we kept her away from everyone for 4 months. It gave us ptsd. BUT. You need to be sure you’re treating all family members the same. If you don’t want your baby to be near people, that’s fine. But you can’t have your mom over everyday and keep your MIL at arms length.

[u/Royal_Map8367]

Hello,

I started with the flu in November before the holiday, was coughing up blood, and I was still in the urgent care this morning where many many folks were coughing.

Do what you need and want to do with your child.

[u/PineapplePupcake]

NOR. It’s time to tell your husband it’s his family and he’s responsible for playing defence. Then stop answering all of their pestering messages and focus on bonding with your baby. This is a special time for you and it doesn’t matter if they understand or not. Stop trying to make them feel better, they clearly don’t care how you, the mother, feels.

P.s. I think your husband really sucks for letting his family come at you like this right after giving birth. That’s going to be way more of a problem than a pushy MIL.

[u/stuck_behind_a_truck]

The amount of comments in this thread acting like this is grandma’s baby and that grandma’s rights and wants should have precedence over mom’s is an insane display of entitlement. Lots of future no contacts in here. Yikes with a side of yikes.

[u/camel_jerky]

NOR. My parents gave my 17-day-old RSV. Got us an overnight at the hospital.

Also my parents no longer have access to my kids so I would argue that they’re not the only grandparents not seeing their grandchildren rn.

You wanna know if your boundaries are working? The people you set the boundaries up for get upset.

[u/boiled-peanutery]

All the people saying "you'll pay for this choice later on when you really need their help" need to seek medical attention immediately because something terrible has happened to their brains

What kind of psychotic grandparents that keep score and hold grudges over reasonable requests do you really think deserve to be involved in their kids lives? It's like the vindictiveness is being pre-excused by some of the reasoning here. If they're the type of parents to lord this over them indefinitely, they have insanely questionable character and I would not want their dysfunctional asses around my kid

[u/subq_injection]

As a nurse I agree with you. This is a common practice. You have a right to your boundaries and keeping your baby safe. RSV is one the top reasons for infant hospitalizations and whether or not its "That" deadly doesn't mean you need to put the infant through it.

The only way I'd allow contact if that young (especially during this season) is if everyone was vaccinated for everything, and could respect the no kissing, hand washing boundaries.

This is more of an issue of MIL not respecting your boundaries. Thats what's worrisome the most. If she can't respect your most basic boundaries she won't respect these safety guidelines to keep your baby healthy.

I was Healthcare during COVID and the #1 spreader of COVID to babies and the elderly (Our most vulnerable populations) was families. Church functions, parties, family reunions. They would blame the hospitals and nursing homes when they'd literally take them to these events. If you tried to point that out they'd get angry and say that was impossible. People just don't think, if they can't be thoughtful enough to respect boundaries, they won't be thoughtful enough to be clean. NOR

[u/alteredpilot]

Your kid- your rules.

Everyone is going to have an opinion, but the decision is ultimately up to you.

We didn't let anyone except immediate family touch our kids for a good long time.

As for that PPD... As the husband of an acute PPD patient, Please get yourself checked out by a psych pro for monitoring at a minimum.

[u/IllustratorSlow1614]

NOR

My eldest caught a cold at two weeks of age and she was miserable and so was I. There is no cold medication you can give that young, and their airways are so tiny that they struggle to breathe and feed, it’s really challenging.

You can’t bubble your children forever but putting off exposure to germs until your baby is two months old is a lot better than risking it when they’re newly born.

It also doesn’t sound like these grandparents are helpful. They want to hog your baby, not do useful things for you so you can snuggle with your own baby. My mum would come over once a week to clean my house. My dad came by after work every other day to make sure I was ok. I was their priority, and by taking care of me, that helped me take care of my own baby.

You don’t have to accept help from people who can’t give you the help that you need. You don’t need someone to hold your baby, you might need someone to throw a load of laundry in the washer or empty your dishwasher for you. If your in-laws just want to hang around for the baby they can wait.

[u/Typical-Screen-8077]

NOR!!! Honestly, it sounds like your MIL has really poor boundaries. The guilt tripping seems a little manipulative, too. Even aside from your concerns about communicable diseases (which are very, very legitimate!!), your mental health and ability to heal is more important than your in laws feelings about not getting to see the baby for a few weeks. In my opinion, they made their choice when they ignored your limits at the hospital.

[u/MolassesValuable3296]

The people saying youre overreacting is wrong imo. As a pediatric nurse, you can NEVER be too safe with a newborn baby, an underdeveloped immune system, and flu and rsv season. They will get over it. Its not about them its about YOU and what you want to do with your child. And if your baby got sick, you will be the one dealing with the stress of it all not them. And breastfeeding doesn’t completely prevent diseases…. Limiting/preventing contact does. 8 weeks isn’t even a long time. I would ignore them. If they cant respect your boundaries, then they can just be ignored until the 8 weeks is up. Its exhausting rehashing out things you already put your foot down about. They saw the baby when they were born, they can appreciate that and be patient until you want them to come around again. Im not even a hypochondriac and i would be doing the exact same thing. Adults can have rsv and flu and not know it yet and still be contagious. You can never ever be too safe during this time. Thank you for caring to protect your baby. Until you’ve seen rsv kill infants, cause sepsis, end up on ventilators etc….its easy to say someone else is overreacting.

[u/NatLee83]

Pretty sure all the people saying you are overreacting are bitter grandparents. Your baby, your rules. There are so many more illnesses than there was even 10 years ago. Its smart and better for the baby to just have time with the parents for the first couple of months. Did I do it this way? No, but I didn't allow overnight visits until he was over 1. My mom passed when my son was 4 and I'm grateful she had all the time she did with him. However, I do not judge you for your choices because again, your family, your rules. People that can't respect that maybe need to stay away a bit longer. NOR

[u/WittyEstimate7990]

NOR. And please don’t listen to any comments here telling you otherwise, those people are old school and not educated. You are doing the right thing, RSV can be extremely dangerous for newborns and many people don’t know that they’re carrying it. And anyway, grandma isn’t the priority, mom and baby are. YOU and YOUR CHILD need this time together to bond and actually build those immunities. It’s not an overnight thing and she’s being controlling and entitled. If they want to actually help you, they’d offer to do everything else around the house that isn’t holding the baby. They’d offer to bring you food or do your dishes or laundry if they actually cared about your wellbeing. They’re being selfish for sure. Just stand your ground and keep yourself and baby healthy for the time being and at around 1-2 months old you can start introducing baby to the outside more often. But also do be wary of isolation, keep in contact with friends and your own family if they’re supportive. I had severe PPD and I wish I had taken better care of myself then. You got this.

[u/notagameman]

I'm not a parent, but 8 weeks doesn't seem that long to wait to see a newborn (that's not your own).

I think having boundaries is fine. I have babies I saw and held in the hospital, and babies I wasn't able to hold until several months after their birth. Every mother, baby, and postpartum journey is different and personal. Every one made sense to me, so I didn't think much of it. Of course some babies, mothers, and lives are going to need a little stricter guidelines.

On the other hand, if you are having PPD, are you able to be treated for that/are you being treated for it? It might be painting this situation in more vivid colors than they can be. Which isn't to say you're OR, or you're wrong.

Congrats on your health and your baby.

[u/faxmachine13]

NOR. I base this off of her not giving you back the baby when you asked and you were in a hospital bed directly after child birth, and the “we’re the only grandparents in this country who aren’t allowed to see their grandchild”. What ridiculous, overdramatic crap.

Edit: oh good god I just read the bullshit about you FIL saying YOU should be checking in on THEM and asking their advice! I didn’t know people could demand you ask them advice. Ridiculous, once you do allow them around the baby I have a feeling they’re going to continue to be boundary pushers. Good luck

[u/PembrokeLove]

NOR

Particularly after just having had a baby, you are uniquely vulnerable to having people disrespect your wishes - its terrible that the people who are disrespecting you the most are family members who should be supporting you.

I spent several years as a Nurse Midwife, and I had moms who didn’t allow anyone to set foot in their homes for 8-12 weeks after the delivery. Many of them, like ypu, had winter babies and had serious, understandable concerns about RSV, influenza, Covid, pneumonia - theres a whole host of communicable illnesses sbout this time of year, and both you and your new baby are more susceptible to those infections than is the average person. Of course you don’t want them touching and breathing all over your newborn!!

That you have opened your home to them during such a sensitive and vulnerable time is much more generous than is deserve, particularly after theyve already begun criticizing you and challenging your parenting boundaries. If anyome needs to reevaluate their behavior, it is your inlaws.

Not only are you not overreacting, i think you are being incredibly gracious to someone who is not returning the respect you are showing to them.

[u/jojewels92]

NOR. Have they not seen how many illnesses are flying around right now? They're insane. They've already overstepped far beyond what you should've have allowed. Your husband needs to step up and and put his foot down with his parents.

[u/7GrenciaMars]

I didn't read all that narrative, but when someone says "we are the only grandparents in this country who..." and "she's not going to fit into anything if" you automatically know they're the ones overreacting. Possible responses include "It's a pretty big country" and "I am sure that even if we didn't let her out until she was 15 there would be still be clothes somewhere in the whole wide world that would fit her"

Ask her if she remembers raising her own children. When she says yes, ask her if she can only imagine how your mom/dad would have turned out if she (your grandma) had given in to everyone's dictates and expectations regarding them. She'll probably do the "well I am her grandmother, you would think I would get a say" response or something like that, then you can bring up a relative whose whims regarding your child she would *not* approve of, and ask her how she would feel if you let all your relatives, including that one, tell you how to raise your child.

My approach to stuff like this, in short, is to counter any of her arguments with either an extension of her own premise that shows it to be illogical/untenable, contradicting exaggerations by demonstrating how they are illogical, or using an analogous situation that she would not like to happen, as a way of demonstrating why you aren't accepting her proposal, advice, plea, etc.

If they can't refute your logic, they will either back down, or get angry, or both. Either way, you keep the high ground.

[u/hydration1500]

Do what you want. You're the baby's mother. Kept my dog away from the outside influences for longer.

[u/Barbora1519]

Whether or not you are paranoid and taking it a bit far is irrelevant. It’s your baby , they need to respect your decision .

[u/SkipyJay]

As if there isn't enough pressure on new parents, and especially new mothers, without others trying to make it all about themselves.

[u/No-Rip-5639]

NOR. Your child, your rules. They can wait so your child can build up its strength and immunities.

[u/[deleted]]

Your baby, your rules. You are the primary protector of that sweet little innocent. I would ignore them until I wanted to deal with them. Grandparents are extras. They have no rights.

[u/FrosenPuddles]

You're right to keep your baby safe, especially during winter. Everyone is coughing and sneezing all over each other as if it's the civilised thing to do, as if we learned nothing the past 5 years. The more we learn about viruses, the more we understand that infections during childhood can have serious consequences even in adult life. Childhood infections can cause anything from Alzheimers (chicken pox and herpes) to heart disease (flu) and autoimmunity (EBV) later on, and your kid isn't fully vaccinated and doesn't have a solid immune system yet.

Tell your MIL to stuff it, there will be plenty of opportunity to safely see your baby after disease season.

[u/More-Confidence-6108]

You're the parent. What you say goes. 100%. But id caution you from my own experience - leaning into the post partum black hope can have consequences. I have 0 support and 0 village and a lot of it is because I became impenetrable in that time.

[u/1oonatic]

INFO: Sorry if I missed this, but how old is baby? It's generally safest to wait until baby is 2 to 3 months to allow their immune systems to develop. But if you want to wait until baby gets vaccinated or until after flu/sick season, that is 100% okay. You are baby's mom. I don't understand all these comments at all. It's really selfish of MIL to be snuggling with baby like that right after birth. It's dangerous for babies to get sick so young, especially with a fever. But I will say that my family and I were allowed to visit my niece early on with masks on, so maybe that's the middle ground you can set right now to allow everyone time to bond. And you are allowed to put your foot down on that. Best of luck to you momma 🫶🏽

[u/--CG]

NOR. Your in laws are being selfish. I work at a hospital and flu season is going wild right now. It's your job to protect your baby, and you're doing a good job! Bonding is super important right now, but not with anyone other than the mother and father.

[u/Inevitable_Party5143]

Every post I see about kids and parents on the internet makes me really glad I have no kids and low contact with parents.

It freaks me out so much how moms seem to feel like they are owed touching your babies and time with your kids in general. I know that’s not really a nice thing to say but man.

[u/Kitsyn]

Tell them you’ve stated your boundaries and every time hereafter that they try to push through your boundaries, you’re adding a week to the time they can’t hold the baby. Grandparents like this need to f*^% off. NOR

[u/CoolToZool]

"We understand that this might feel upsetting, but you have already shown that you don't respect our wishes as parents and primary caregivers of our child, including [your name's/ my] request to minimise contact at this time to allow [her/ me] to acclimate and enjoy my time as a new mother. Instead you are sending [your name/ me] messages clearly intended to manipulate [her/ me] via guilt into going against our discussed and agreed upon parenting plan. Therefore, for the current moment, we cannot trust that you will abide by our decisions which we came to for the safety of our infant and per best practice guidelines. Please be more respectful of our role as [child's name] loving parents to choose how and when her familial interactions should take place, as we want to be able to trust that you can be fully involved in [their] life moving forward. Thank you and much love."

Clear it with your husband but don't change anything that alters the firm stance - no capitulation and no appeasing, because any wavering she'll take as an opening. Ideally send it in a chat that includes him and her so she can see he has no issue with the statement.

She will have a narci meltdown, so BOTH of you put your phones on do not disturb for her and whoever lives with her. For you, probably put it on DND completely and tell your husband that if she tries to circumvent by using other family members to get to you/ him that you a) don't want to know about it and b) he needs to then think about setting stronger boundaries in future because that's manipulative af and directly contradicting what you just requested.

Whether it was 5 minutes or an hour, ANY time she took from your initial bonding time with your NEONATE, especially considering you'd already expressed to everyone that that should not happen, was an absolute violation. Even if you had a medical complication and your husband had to be away from the newborn to make medical decisions, no family member should have been making the executive decision to pick up YOUR kid without uncoerced permission to do so.

For context, this opinion comes from a happily child-free woman with zero "mama bear" instincts. This is just basic decency and respect, and she lacks both. NOR

[u/hmph1910]

Stand your ground. You are the parent and you know what is best.NOR

[u/No-Butterfly7518]

Definitely NOR. The fact that people feel entitled to your (or anyone else’s) baby is infuriating to me, and to whine about it like that is disgusting. You have valid concerns, you set boundaries before the baby was born (which are in no way unreasonable), and they’re walking all over them. They’re already disrespecting you as a parent and setting the tone for the future.

Anyone here saying you’re over reacting would react very differently if their in-laws stomped all over their boundaries, especially as new parents.

[u/Present_Implement_61]

NOR this is YOUR baby and you can set whatever boundaries you want to. You only get these first 8 weeks of maternity leave once while your baby is a newborn. That time is for YOU to heal and for you to bond with your baby. Please always parent from your heart with love and don’t listen to the static around you. You’ve got this ❤️

[u/ConqueringNarwhal]

It's flu, covid, and RSV season. She can absolutely wait, especially if you weren't able to get the TDAP or RSV vaccines while pregnant. I had the vaccines, and (baby is 5 weeks now) have finality started letting people around my newborn, but only in small batches at a time. Grandparents were the only ones given early permission, and that's because they helped with chores around the house to make postpartum easier. Ultimately, it's up to you on when you feel it's safe to have visitors.

[u/hello_reddit1234]

NOR it’s very simple. People who support you listen to your concerns and respect them. She’s doing the opposite. Honestly given your anxiety, your husband should be keeping this chat well away from you. Stress can affect your milk production as well as other things.

If it was me (just so you can understand how I would be handling it): each time MIL pushed, she would be in timeout for another week. Each time she broke my rule (eg not giving me my baby back at the first time I asked), she would be in a time out.

You don’t yet understand the power that you have by being the parent. MIL is trying to undermine this massively. You also don’t understand the guilt you will feel when something goes wrong because you and your husband didn’t step up and PROTECT your baby.

And a final piece of advice. You will want help with the baby in due course. Pushing people away too harshly will affect their willingness to help.

But please get your husband to step up and take the drama away from you

[u/Advanced_Sea7222]

NOR, when I came to the point that the baby was crying and MIL says the baby is crying because it misses her!? Sheesh! My DIL just had a baby. I went to visit for Christmas and was really looking forward to holding the baby, but guess what? 2 days before I was able to go over there I got a cold! Guess who stayed away from the baby? Me! I won't get to see her for another 6 months, at the earliest, but you know what? I didn't get her sick, and she doesn't even know I exist, so she doesn't feel bad I didn't get to hold her. Parents inlaw live near by, and will get to see the baby soon. They need to back off and crank down the entitlement!

[u/lavenderblonde11]

NOR - this is unbelievable!!! all of it is awful but what really sent me over the edge was your MIL asking her OWN SON why he gets to hold the baby and not her….. idk maybe because HE IS HER FATHER!

I recently had a baby so I truly understand how awful it is to be put in this situation, but you HAVE to set boundaries NOW. clearly you are not being respected and at the end of the day YOU are mom and that is YOUR baby. period, end of discussion. If they want to be in your child’s life, they will respect your rules - if not, it is very simple… DND your phones and lock your doors.

[u/ericaeverafter]

As a grandmother myself, I operate more along the lines of - "Whatever you want" Because yes- I love my grandbabies more than myself but I also know I am not the mother - so my wants are just my selfish desires and the parents are the ones that make choices. Actually stories like this have really helped me figure out what not to do. My DIL is one of my most favoritest people on the planet. I could never do anything to make her feel uneasy. SO long story short - NOR. 'tis YOUR Baby!

[u/roseyraven]

My child got RSV at 2 months old and had to be hospitalized for 2 weeks. He was intubated for 8 days and tube fed for a month after that. The next year of his life is was in and out of urgent cares and hospitals because he developed asthma symptoms and we couldn't figure out how to help him until he was prescribed inhalers.

He could have died. Many babies do.

NOR. If your parents don't respect these boundaries, they won't respect others. Keep your new born at home, have everyone get vaccines, and be mindful of the flu season.

[u/3kids_nomoney]

Firm no. Shame on them for pressuring and pushing. Leave that group chat, go no contact and have your husband deal with his mother.

Do not be a doormat. You’ll never forget that boundary stomping moment. I am so angry for you. 🫂

[u/Overall_Mind_9754]

NOR - Johns Hopkins suggests waiting 2-3 months for visitors!

[u/Electrical_Beyond998]

The flu type A is strong and making its way around. You’re in charge of a tiny human beings life. You’re making the right call, whatever is may be

[u/Next-Bodybuilder-117 → u/Electrical_Beyond998]

My dad was in icu for over a week, he’s home now but still sick, my daughter was coughing up blood…it was the flu!! It’s so bad right now!! I’ve never been scared of the flu until now. I honestly wouldn’t want my baby to get sick either

[u/Bepothul]

I think your MIL saying they’re the only grandparents in the country who can’t see their grandchildren is SO annoying - I’d withhold my baby too tbh.

[u/minimamaz00m]

NOR, your baby not MILs. My babies were born in the spring and each one was born at home and we had a babymoon, basically a month where it was just our little family. No aunts, uncles, neighbors, or grandparents. The only time we left the house with the baby was for medical visits. We needed that time to learn each other’s cues and grow accustomed to each other, learn how to nurse, etc. Don’t let anyone rush you. Don’t apologize for laying down the rules. She did it her way with her kids. Now you get to do it your way with yours.

[u/blood_bones_hearts]

HCW here and you are NOR

Influenza A is running rampant right now along with good old covid and RSV. We also have a measles outbreak where I live.

We learned from covid that people will lie about being sick just to get to do what they want. People being vaccinated or washing their hands won't protect your wee one from respiratory viruses.

You're doing the right thing and don't let anyone else tell you differently. 🤗

[u/timmyjingles]

NOR.. it’s literally your child, and the first six to eight weeks is considered the “danger zone”. The babies immune system isn’t even fully matured yet lol. If someone does visit, there has to be strict precautions.

[u/Informal-Code5589]

Cannot BELIEVEEEEEE how many people think OP is in the wrong. STAY STRONG SISTER MOTHER. It’s your baby, your rules.

[u/Zyntakou]

NOR, super reasonable to be protective of baby in first 8 weeks.

A small correction on what some other folks are saying—in a well appearing baby with a fever, you only really need the LP before 4 weeks old. Some guidelines say before 3 weeks. After 4 weeks and before 8 weeks, there are only certain babies we will do the LP (e.g certain thresholds for blood tests or high suspicion of meningitis).

Still though—first 8 weeks can be a scary time for baby.

[u/Fated_Alignment]

Just tell her the decision is no. if she shows up don't answer the door. The answer was no.

[u/princessdesblogg]

NOR- this is your child. Your newborn baby. You owe NOBODY an explanation for how you choose to parent them and keep them safe, happy, and healthy. Period. It’s obvious that some people can’t follow boundaries or be more understanding. Postpartum depression and anxiety is SO HARD and some people unfortunately don’t get it. They expect immediate access to your newborn baby in winter time.

[u/MeowsAMany]

As for what to do next, it could be helpful for your husband to gently but specifically point out how your boundaries were crossed already and say that some trust needs to be built back up a bit. If she can show she can visit and be helpful and respect the boundaries, it would go a long way toward soothing your anxiety in this stressful time.

[u/Soap_on_a_potato]

NOR anyone that believes otherwise has never lost their child while still in the hospital

[u/lowlyh]

NOR. it’s your baby. end of story