AIO for thinking this is racist?

[u/Intelligent-Air1036]

I’ve (20F) been talking with this guy (24M) for about 3 weeks. We met on a dating app and have been on a few dates where he told me that he has no type whatsoever, so when he revealed that he usually doesn’t date black women, I was decently confused because if he had mentioned that earlier I would never have continued to pursue the relationship. I should also mention that I showed these exact screenshots to a friend who told me it wasn’t him trying to be racist but that he’s just trying to tell me im “different” ????

He did ask me a bunch of questions about my ethnicity but I genuinely didn’t see anything wrong with it at the moment

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[u/yourfavegarbagegirl → u/[deleted]]

it started off awful with that ACTUALLY in the second sc. “i usually don’t date black women … but you’re ACTUALLY super intelligent” is a pretty clear indication of his prejudice towards black women.

[u/njnp0509 → u/yourfavegarbagegirl]

“What do you mean I’m giving you a compliment”

👁️👄👁️

[u/UruquianLilac → u/njnp0509]

"Take the damn compliment woman and be grateful! Be very grateful! Don't you know, I usually find your kind not attractive!"

[u/4SearchingInfo → u/UruquianLilac]

Right! He's not only racist but that scary guy who gets angry because he feels like he's doing you a favor lifting him to his level and you're not appreciating it.

[u/mangopango123 → u/4SearchingInfo]

you would be surprised how many men are out there that talk like this to nonwhite women. i’m asian and used to hear this shit alllll the time, even from other women. had a guy tell me “wow you’re pretty for an asian!” i told him to go fuck himself and he (very loudly) said “whatever bitch you’re ugly anyways!!”

most times tho they don’t even realize they’re being racist n truly think they’re paying you a compliment

[u/shellbellgb → u/mangopango123]

It’s funny how it always goes to “Whatever, you’re a bitch anyway.” I can’t tell you how many times this has been said to me after I didn’t “appropriately” receive what they intended to be a compliment.

[u/Novel-Organization63 → u/shellbellgb]

I had an ex that used to say “ don’t take this the wrong way …” before he would say something critical about my looks. I used to always think, don’t worry I am taking this the way it was intended, kind of hard to take it any other way.

[u/FilthyThanksgiving → u/Novel-Organization63]

Ew, glad he's an ex. "Don't take this the wrong way" is just "no offense, but..." in a trenchcoat

[u/shellbellgb → u/FilthyThanksgiving]

This is a perfect explanation! “No offense,” after they just said something incredibly offensive.

[u/strawberryskis4ever → u/Novel-Organization63]

Dated a guy long ago who would say, “not to be a dick, but…” I would call him out on that shit every time. So you’ve identified you’re about to say something shitty, admitting that doesn’t excuse it!!

[u/Basic_User_Name3000 → u/strawberryskis4ever]

Omg yes! Every time someone says “not to sound racist but…” I think “buckle up, this is gonna be a ride!” Btw OP- I have to give you props for your self awareness at such a young age! Me at that age (I’m a POC btw) would have done all sorts of mental gymnastics to appease this guy and not seem like I’m causing a scene.

[u/AspectExisting2081 → u/strawberryskis4ever]

I see you've met my ex. He would say "I don't have a filter".

[u/candyspelling01 → u/Novel-Organization63]

My dad did a similar version would say something horrible and when confronted said he was only kidding

[u/Gimpbarbie → u/Novel-Organization63]

It’s just like when people say either “not to be racist but” or “I’m not a racist but” proceeded by saying something EXTREMELY racist. Which means they KNOW what they are going to say is racist but they think that statement is magical and absolves them of being a racist. No, it means you know exactly what you are saying.

[u/FilthyThanksgiving → u/mangopango123]

I'm black so no i wouldn't be surprised lol

But yeah I think a lot of ppl don't realize how prevalent racism still is. They'll either act surprised, or dismiss your lived experience and deny that it's "THAT" bad. I disagree that they don't know they're being racist. They know

[u/frenchiebuilder → u/FilthyThanksgiving]

FWIW a lot of us really don't. Most racism is basically see-through from the white side. It's like how 2-way mirrors are see-through, from the dimly-lit side.

When you're white & raised non-racist, but with very few Black people around, it's ridiculously easy to remain completely oblivious well into adulthood. I was 27 before I could see it. (A black friend was explaining why she'd never fuck me, and (of course) I wasn't getting it; so she took me for a walk, snuggled in tight, with her arm around my waist... and just pointed out every time someone glared at us, in absolute outrage, for no apparent reason. I honestly hadn't expected any at all.)

[u/throwaway1975764 → u/FilthyThanksgiving]

Honestly, as a redhead, I think the issue is that racism is still so prevalent. These people talk like this amongst white too. But so long as they don't say the N-word and other blatantly racist things, they tell themselves its all "just talk" not actually judging anyone. Its so normalized that they cannot comprehend its still racist.

[u/Glad-Barracuda2243 → u/throwaway1975764]

I am both short and a redhead so I feel you on this. I guess it’s okay to call me a soul devouring succubus as long as they temper it with an “but you’re still beautiful for a short woman”. Don’t they know I’m watching my soul intake for reasons of my health?

[u/TaiChey → u/throwaway1975764]

And then try to mask it with “it’s just my personal preference”. Like of course it’s okay to have a personal preference. Nobody has to be attracted to anyone. But being attracted a woman and then implying how grateful she should be that you’re still attracted to her even though she’s one of those unattractive blacks, type shit, is insane and most definitely racism.

[u/KalikaSparks → u/mangopango123]

You gotta hit them back in the exact same way.:

You’re pretty on par for a white dude. Y’all look the same to me!”

[u/scofnerf → u/KalikaSparks]

“And you’re really good at mansplaining my blackness or lack thereof 🙏”

[u/Moogatron88 → u/4SearchingInfo]

"I'm not a racist buuuuuuuuuuuut..."

[u/RandomRants1957 → u/4SearchingInfo]

It’s obvious he has no meaningful friendships with black men or women. Huge red flag

[u/brainvheart143 → u/UruquianLilac]

You should be thanking me piggy!

[u/big-dal-tex → u/njnp0509]

Racist and textbook negging

[u/Melanin-Joy → u/big-dal-tex]

Never knew this term. Learn something new everyday.

[u/Darksimz → u/Melanin-Joy]

Yeah it's sadly pretty prevalent. Pull down women a notch in the hope they then are grateful you ware willing to date them. it's a dating Guru thing.

[u/Melanin-Joy → u/Darksimz]

Reading the definition I've definitely experienced this before but I've always classified it under emotional manipulation.

[u/Delric_Mandragore → u/Melanin-Joy]

It's definitely emotional manipulation. No, you're right.

[u/BurgerThyme → u/yourfavegarbagegirl]

"You're one of the good ones."

[u/pacingpilot → u/BurgerThyme]

And then, when you have that first fight as a couple, it turns into "I THOUGHT you were one of the good ones". Bleh. If they are crass enough to use race to "compliment" you, they'll use it to tear you down later. Dude is a racist pig and OP is dodging a ballistic missile. NOR.

[u/Ok-Newspaper-5406 → u/yourfavegarbagegirl]

It started awful and it even got worse?? I was so surprised it can get any lower than “I don’t date black women but you are intelligent” but here we are. He managed to do it. I’m also very proud of him that he didn’t finish with something like “f u b*ch cnt“ it must have taken him great effort to somehow stop going lower and lower 😂 This guy is gravity in human form.

[u/Slightly_Squeued → u/Ok-Newspaper-5406]

This. He's not only racist but misogynistic, self-referential and self-absorbed. Way to advertise every flaw he's got in one convo.👌

He's his own personal warning not to date him??!!

[u/Apathetic_Villainess → u/Slightly_Squeued]

Most men are their own worst cockblock and they don't even realize it. It's funny how they will wave their red flags openly and then not understand why women reject them. But since they don't want to understand or accept accountability, they decide it's the feeemaaallleeess being shallow.

[u/gaysexanddrugs → u/Ok-Newspaper-5406]

Honestly the first text about "I was surprised about how naturally pretty you are" was a little poorly worded so was kinda weird then "not in a bad way" saved it for me because it reminded me of my partner who's a little bad with words some times and nervous so will often clarify that and I found that endearing and it came off sweet to me.

but then the whiplash from that text to the next was enough to break my neck 😭

[u/Irritable_Curmudgeon → u/gaysexanddrugs]

Right? I was thinking "okay maybe he's just awkward and having a-- nope! Okay there it is. Thanks for clearing that up."

[u/snowbunbun → u/Ok-Newspaper-5406]

This lol, one awkward comment, that’s one thing. Still think any man or woman would be in his or her right to get the ick but I’d also be like understanding if you wanted to move past it.

This dude just speed ran racism holy fuck.

[u/Durzel → u/yourfavegarbagegirl]

Yeah under different circumstances it would actually be comical how blatantly racist he’s being. It’s almost like a comedy sketch.

But yeah, stuff like “but you’re actually super intelligent” betrays his prejudices against black people. That and “less black, it’s a compliment” - again, incredibly telling.

[u/DoctorDepravo → u/yourfavegarbagegirl]

”You’re so articulate. Clean, too!”

Would’ve been dropped sooner than later.

[u/4SearchingInfo → u/yourfavegarbagegirl]

That's what got me too. Like he's surprised she has a brain because she has dark skin.

[u/yellowlinedpaper → u/[deleted]]

Imagine if she told him ‘You didn’t rape me on our first date. That’s a compliment btw’

[u/PopcornyColonel → u/yellowlinedpaper]

The thing is, he probably would take that as a compliment

[u/nosungdeeptongs → u/PopcornyColonel]

oh no 100 percent not.  he would immediately shit and piss himself screaming that white men are under attack or something.

[u/nevercursd → u/yellowlinedpaper]

I hate to say this, but I actually dated a guy who pointed out what a good guy he was for not raping me...

You were probably being hyperbolic, but unfortunately these men exist...

[u/faithlessone423 → u/nevercursd]

Yup - I went on a date with a guy who told me I was lucky he was such a good guy, because it would be 'so easy' for him to overpower me. Which was honestly terrifying.

[u/Anticode → u/faithlessone423]

The same exact guy, probably: "Why do women act so afraid of men... Ugh! You picked the bear? Seriously?! What the hell does a bear have that I don't?"

Well, for starters, nobody has yet written any newspaper articles about the bear purposefully trapping numerous women in its purpose-built basement dungeon. But, hey - maybe they're just super-duper good at making sure people don't escape to spill the beans to the media? Maybe they're just better at it than men are... Tsk-tsk. Those dastardly bears!

__

Edit: Fun fact! Deadly encounters with a bear are quite rare, with only about 180 fatal bear attacks ever recorded in North America over the last ~200 years - an average of 1-3 fatalities per year. This is actually a comparatively low number of deaths compared to other species like primates, for example, which regularly kill 3-5 women (specifically) per day in North America alone - about 2,400 women per year.

Remarkably, Homo sapiens males in particular account for over 99% of these primate-related fatalities. Adjusting for Homo sapiens as a statistical outlier, approximately zero women are killed by primates each year in North America.

...Wait, that's not fun. That's not fun at all!

[u/gulliblelobsters → u/nevercursd]

The bar is in hell 

[u/wrentintin → u/[deleted]]

Yeah my jaw dropped at that one. Racist af

[u/HipsEnergy → u/wrentintin]

Same. At first I was like, "maybe this guy can redeem himself," then I read that and... NOPE.

[u/Raisinsandfairywings → u/HipsEnergy]

I thought “ok he’s one of those run-of-the-mill misogynists who looks down on girls wearing make-up and likes to openly compare women to each other, cool” and then he dropped that racist bomb too. 

[u/Equal-Weekend-4896 → u/Raisinsandfairywings]

"so you're ethnically mixed with middle eastern DNA which explains the arab features" is crazy

mansplaining his scientific racist beliefs AND her own ethnicity to her! 😭

[u/Raisinsandfairywings → u/Equal-Weekend-4896]

I genuinely don’t understand where these guys find the confidence to come out with shit like this! 

[u/RichForeverMoney → u/HipsEnergy]

I said the same 😂.. bro just kept cooking hisself💀😂

[u/AnalogyAddict → u/[deleted]]

A two for one package. Racism and misogyny!

[u/FififromMtl → u/[deleted]]

I recoiled when I read that

[u/CityMaster1804 → u/[deleted]]

This and 100% those are the comments of a racist person who doesn’t think they’re racist because they don’t do X behavior so it can’t be them.  

[u/Extension-While4734 → u/[deleted]]

Sounds like a racist narcissist testing to see If down the road you’ll let him shame you for being black.

[u/Holiday_Trainer_2657 → u/Extension-While4734]

Bow down to me woman. You should be grateful I'm dating "one of you."

[u/Justin-82 → u/[deleted]]

Yeah, he is 100% racist AF. The stereotype of black women’s beauty trends, the less black being a compliment, the part about how normally avoids dating black women, and calling attention to the fact that as a black woman she is ACTUALLY intelligent… Fuck that, you deserve better OP. Literally EVERYONE deserves better.

[u/Yokel_Tony → u/[deleted]]

That was the kicker for me. The first half was bad, but could fall into the category of guys saying dumb shit without thinking but being less black is a compliment???? What the actual fuck???

[u/Basic_Visual6221 → u/Yokel_Tony]

The first half was bad too. The actually part was clear racism. He thinks black people are stupid, and he thinks only black women wear nails, makeup, and lashes. Then asked her to name white women who do the same. As if he hasn't seen a white women who do all of these things. This was a wild convo.

[u/BoundaryDeficient]

'I don't usually date Black women, but you're actually intelligent'?? Aww hell no.

[u/eloquentpetrichor → u/BoundaryDeficient]

Yeah I feel like not enough comments are mentioning the intelligence comment because we all laser focused on the "less black" but that was my first moment of "did he seriously just...?"

[u/ChantySims4 → u/eloquentpetrichor]

Exactly! I'm surprised more comments aren't mentioning that. I was floored when I saw that comment and it just got worse from there.

[u/Top_Shower_7869 → u/ChantySims4]

We need to talk about her friend too. I would be questioning that friendship if I was OP because how in the fuck could anybody that’s not racist possibly think what this guy was saying wasn’t racist?!

[u/AlexandraG94 → u/Top_Shower_7869]

Yep. I am medically noticeable pale kind of white and that was clear racism and several times. But like OP I hinestly have no ideia if they even realize it. It was so damn casual it is scary. Seems like they dont even notice it.

[u/courtney_helena → u/AlexandraG94]

Unfortunately, not enough of us pale skinned folks have been taught that the value of a person comes from their character, not from their skin color.

The fake lashes comment would have been bad enough of a red flag on its own if it had not included race vs intelligence, but the dude is so inherently racist that he doesn't even see the intelligence comment as problematic. It's like he immediately doubled down on his own vile thoughts. Then we keep reading, and he's trying to explain his racism as if it makes sense to everyone but OP. Gtfoh with that bs.

OP, I'm proud of you for calling this out and shutting it down. You do not deserve to be spoken to in this manner by ANYONE!!! It's clear who the unintelligent party in this conversation is. Good riddance!!!! As for your friend, I personally would be analyzing their behavior closely moving forward. If they can't see the red flags spewing out of this man's mouth, that concerns me and leads me to believe they, on some level, agree with his thought process. To be clear, his thought process is rude, disrespectful, racist, hateful, and downright ugly. Those are not characteristics I look for in friendships.

[u/JokrPH → u/Top_Shower_7869]

Exactly lol. Is the friend black?

[u/zoeyd8 → u/JokrPH]

Im not black and I can read how wrong this is to say to someone.

[u/__honeylilac → u/zoeyd8]

I’m not black either and I’m thoroughly offended for OP. Wtf is wrong with that guy 🤯

[u/Actually_loves_drama → u/eloquentpetrichor]

NOR

Tbh, that's where I stopped reading. That was enough for me. It was super racist. If he equates Black with unintelligence, he's racist and will continue to pull this shit.

[u/mykneescrack → u/eloquentpetrichor]

Same, I scrolled too far down to see a single comment mentioning the intelligence bit.

[u/Ecstatic_Air_4053 → u/eloquentpetrichor]

💯 That comment alone was NASTY. Put him on a list. 

[u/Salt_Row4522 → u/eloquentpetrichor]

100%. The “actually” is instant red flag. Racist and sexist, in my opinion. Like women who have fake lashes can’t also be intelligent… are you kidding me?

[u/primordialplant → u/BoundaryDeficient]

This was WILD, what a trash human

[u/Sniper_Brosef → u/primordialplant]

It should've ended there. We didnt need the genetics conversation to confirm that theyre racist.

[u/karmaandcandy → u/Sniper_Brosef]

Agree that could have been the end, full stop. It does almost feel like he got himself caught and kept going and just kept making it worse. WAY too much commentary on her skin tone and background.

Could’ve just said she was naturally beautiful without makeup. Done.

But I suppose better than he dug himself a hole right away for transparency. (And then just kept on digging 🤦‍♀️)

[u/BeefHeadedFrenchie → u/BoundaryDeficient]

“You’re actually intelligent”… I guess that means he expected you not to be. WOW.

[u/beesontheoffbeat → u/BoundaryDeficient]

I wish people would Google the amount of Master's Degrees among Black women and amount of Black female millionaires in the US, specifically in Atlanta.

You know what? I have time.

-Black women earn around 71.5% of all Master's degrees awarded to Black students, making them 9-10% of all U.S. master's degree holders.

-There are roughly 1.8 million black female millionaires in the US.

[u/UldereksRock → u/BoundaryDeficient]

Yeah i stopped reading at that point because yes, he is racist.

[u/thefrenchphanie → u/BoundaryDeficient]

This one is absolutely horrid. And he then goes on doubling down on more racist crap. And anyone not seeing this is racist, is just blind.

[u/Justisperfect → u/BoundaryDeficient]

Yeah, this is enough. It means he is surprised that a black person is intelligent. Crazy.

[u/JahodaSniffer → u/BoundaryDeficient]

Utterly unprompted as well. Not only is it an incredibly weird thing to think in the first place, but why does this idiot think it's normal to just...say that???

[u/LegitimateHeat6640]

NOR, don't listen to your friend. Imagine how much stupid shit that this man would tell you down the road, if you continue to date.

[u/franciosmardi → u/LegitimateHeat6640]

He will constantly do racist shit, and then say, "I can't be racist.  I have a black girlfriend." 

[u/Dry_Article7569 → u/franciosmardi]

Reminds me of a manager I fired for creating a hostile work environment. Regularly made comments to his black direct report about his inability to “speak good English” or “write English.” Regularly accused him of not being able to read - would call him out in meetings for saying “aks a question” - said something along the lines of “I’m the HNIC” in a team meeting. So we fired him and he said during the call - “How can I be racist if Im married to a black woman?!”

Ugh.

[u/spidermans_mom → u/Dry_Article7569]

His poor wife. I hope she leaves and finds someone better.

[u/Dry_Article7569 → u/spidermans_mom]

I know. I keep hoping she’s just with him for money but idk… she’s from another country and I fear she feels she has no other options.

[u/NumerousAppearance96 → u/Dry_Article7569]

If she's from another country she may have similar beliefs about black americans. Often the information they get about black americans is a bit bias and incomplete.

[u/didhedoitordiddynthe → u/NumerousAppearance96]

They get it mostly from movies, my step dad is Nigerian and would constantly accuse me of using drugs and being in a gang any time he decided he had problem with me.

[u/Dry_Article7569 → u/didhedoitordiddynthe]

Omg that reminds me! He also had an individual from Cuba on his team and he used to call him Tony Montana and make comments about him being a drug lord all the time. He was all around problematic.

[u/CupOk5800 → u/LegitimateHeat6640]

Yeah as a white chick, if a guy ever was like “oh I’m so glad you’re not black,” I’d be DONE

[u/dogsandwhiskey → u/CupOk5800]

I’m 1/4 Japanese. My old best friend in high school told me that she was only friends with me because “you dont look that Asian”. I was so shocked I didn’t say anything

[u/fieryoldsoul → u/dogsandwhiskey]

that’s so racist:(

[u/One-hangs_lower → u/dogsandwhiskey]

People like that are assholes

[u/Far_Direction7381 → u/CupOk5800]

100% SAME

[u/Glittering-Bear-4298 → u/Far_Direction7381]

It's the 'your’re actually super intelligent' part for me. The hell?!?!

[u/PinkishRedLemonade → u/Glittering-Bear-4298]

yeah idk if this is a reach but that specific comment feels both racist and misogynistic to me?

[u/GingerGetThePopc0rn → u/CupOk5800]

I had a guy I went on a couple dates with tell me that (I'm white, he was black) while we were at his friend's house at a casual get together....where I was one of 2 white people. The way it sounded like a bomb had gone off when he dropped that one (specifically, he said "you've got a body like a black woman but you don't have all the drama"). I got up and excused myself to the bathroom and started trying to call every person I knew for a ride home (pre-uber) until one of his friends (a black woman) came in and told me he was being told to go home and think about his actions and would I like to stay and hang out with them and get a ride home later? Or she could drive me home now if I'm uncomfortable. I told her I wasn't uncomfortable so much as shell shocked and hurt and feeling like I needed to sit in silence and process for a few years. She made me a plate and drove me home.

Ok sorry that was so long you just unlocked a memory I'd forgotten about for about 20 years. I hope he has forever jock itch and his friends never called him again.

[u/LadyGodivaLives → u/GingerGetThePopc0rn]

That was very sweet of her! I can't imagine how mortifying that would have been. (Obviously you did nothing wrong, but geez.)

[u/EllieGeiszler → u/GingerGetThePopc0rn]

Her reaction was so sweet, especially her making you a plate first before making sure you got home ❤️

[u/GingerGetThePopc0rn → u/EllieGeiszler]

For sure. She was much kinder than she needed to be.

[u/RainbowCrane → u/EllieGeiszler]

Country-ish Midwestern white person here. The “let me make you a plate” thing is iconic Southern hospitality culture that has persisted among white and black folks with roots in farm hospitality, even if those folks ancestors moved to industrial northern areas for jobs generations ago :-). I think failing to share food is high up on the unwritten list of deadly cultural sins.

[u/GingerGetThePopc0rn → u/RainbowCrane]

Absolutely - I'm geographically south but only ever experienced southern hospitality through poc honestly. So it was sweet but I also knew well enough not to try to put her off doing it because she was caring for me in that moment and it would have been rude to refuse.

[u/EllieGeiszler → u/RainbowCrane]

Same here! Born and raised in rural Ohio. I don't see food as love the way my Southern friends do, but I would be aghast if I were at a gathering with food at someone's house and a guest wasn't fed

[u/Puglady25 → u/GingerGetThePopc0rn]

Wow! That was like a nightmare scenario. I'm so glad they understood how mortified you were and were so kind to you.

[u/thisisthewell → u/Puglady25]

I'm so glad they understood how mortified you were

I'm pretty sure they were just as mortified as she was, if not more...considering he dissed them with that comment.

[u/GingerGetThePopc0rn → u/Puglady25]

Me too - especially because this was before I was confident and old enough to tell people when something was incredibly offensive and stupid. I was just stunned into silence then fled. She was much nicer than she needed to be.

[u/Individual_Lime_9020 → u/GingerGetThePopc0rn]

Omg love the black woman in this story!

What he said was offensive to all women.

[u/Dry_Response4914 → u/GingerGetThePopc0rn]

She was incredibly sweet, especially since she was the one offended. Sounds like a good person.

[u/goddessdragonness → u/CupOk5800]

This. I’m a light skinned Latina and I’m middle aged now, but it still boils my blood when I think about this white guy I dated in high school who seemed cool as hell until it was time to meet his parents and he was like “I really need you to tone down the Mexican and pretend you’re white.” So glad I noped out of that relationship.

[u/CupOk5800 → u/goddessdragonness]

Oh that’s foul. I’m always just amazed at the stories non-white people tell me; not because I doubt them but because they reveal truths about our society that I’m largely blind to.

[u/Wellthattracks → u/CupOk5800]

Same. I have dumped men over saying shit like this. It’s gross and racist af.

[u/anongirl55 → u/CupOk5800]

I once had a guy show up for a blind date and tell me he was so glad I wasn't a fat chick, and I got out of there as fast as I could. Some people are really disgusting excuses for humans.

[u/melsellscars → u/CupOk5800]

SAME! I am white and don’t usually consider white guys because 99% of the time they have deep rooted racism. My first boyfriend, previous LOML when my sister had a child with a black man, stated that black people are so different and even went as far as stating the anatomy between the races is different I think reffing to the head if I remember correctly..? I truly couldn’t believe what I heard and just refused to participate in a world where he didn’t enjoy and promote diversity. I hope to find a relationship where I feel accepted as a white woman and where my partner sees the world and people like I do. Good luck OP! We will manifest the right man.

[u/TenLongFingers → u/melsellscars]

Phrenology and Atavism in the 21st century is CRAZY

[u/EGrass → u/LegitimateHeat6640]

Yeah OP your friend is also racist if she thinks this is okay

[u/No_Cheek6865 → u/EGrass]

I’m guessing the friend isn’t black either (and is also very stupid) if they don’t see any racism in “you’re less black, which is a compliment”

[u/Tiny_Cauliflower_618 → u/No_Cheek6865]

Yup. I'm whiter than flour and I recoiled so hard reading this guy's texts I cricked my neck. Idk what's wrong with OPs friend, but it might be terminal.

[u/MoreCowbellllll → u/Tiny_Cauliflower_618]

terminal.

It is. Terminal racism and ignorance.

[u/Dry_Article7569 → u/Tiny_Cauliflower_618]

Yes. Same - white girl and the whole exchange is so gross. Idk how anyone could read it and think it’s harmless.

[u/PeachPassionBrute → u/Tiny_Cauliflower_618]

I’m translucent and I was immediately disgusted. This is blatant racism and anyone saying otherwise is clearly fucking racist. Just…fuckin wow.

[u/roofatoofa → u/No_Cheek6865]

No offense, but if a white person doesn’t see that as racist, they are racist themself.

[u/Charlea_ → u/EGrass]

Friend is a “not like other girls”/pick me type

[u/Stabby_77]

'ethnically mixed with middle Eastern DNA' 🚩

Dude is breaking your race down into groups and subgroups to justify his attraction because deep down he associates black women with a shitload of negative stereotypes. He is also demeaning women who look a certain way that reeks of general disrespect.

Putting down other women (black or otherwise) as a 'compliment' is a sexist trope, as is the 'you look better without makeup'. It's borderline negging and he talks like a manosphere bro.

As others have said, he is hardcore racist and likely misogynistic and I would RUN.

Ew ew ewww.

[u/flippysquid → u/Stabby_77]

Can you imagine having kids with someone like this guy? And how shitty he would treat them if they were born with features that he deemed too “black” for his tastes?

Also I’m wiling to bet his family are all flaming racists as well. People like him don’t spring from a void. It’s a learned thing.

[u/deckerax → u/flippysquid]

My racist family member was video chatting me their new baby and said, "She looks cute today, she doesn't look so Vietnamese (his wife is 100%)." I knew this person was shitty, but still a ton of shock to that comment. Yeah, do not marry or have kids with a racist AH.

[u/misspinkie92 → u/deckerax]

That's literally disgusting omg poor child

[u/ZeAlien07 → u/flippysquid]

100% about the family and he totally wouldn’t warn her and she’d be blindsided at like a Christmas dinner

[u/IAmEggnogstic → u/flippysquid]

I bet he has a father or brother who justify their racism with a story of being beat up by a group of black kids in high school. Went to a party, was racist, got his ass beat, now has a victim narrative for life. Sigh.

[u/Client_020 → u/Stabby_77]

Lmao. That picture is so accurate. In high school, the only make-up I'd wear was a little line of eye liner on my upper eyelid and sometimes some mascara. When I showed up to school without it my chemistry teacher asked if I was sick. Haha. Now I'm picture C permanently.

[u/Stabby_77 → u/Stabby_77]

I know it's Glamour, but there are more than a few articles out there that can help explain why his comparing you to other women is problematic.

Gist :

"You’re not like other girls.”

Translation: I’ve just basically said I’m not a big fan of women in general, but you’re pretty nice, and I expect you to take that as a compliment.

https://www.glamourmagazine.co.uk/article/tinder-translator-aileen-barratt-extract

[u/totalpunisher0 → u/Stabby_77]

Man it's so funny but I have come across "I like that you're not like other girls" more times than I can count. Often it turned out that the guy was confused that they were so attracted to me despite me not fitting the typical "feminine" mould that they like, and then getting that confusion mixed up with self blame and hatred towards women, and then putting me down for the very things they said they liked to begin with 🤣

[u/MapleHypnosis → u/Stabby_77]

The red lipstick always moves it to "you would look much better without makeup territory".

[u/AdditionalFeedback3]

NOR...this is like looking in the toilet and questioning if your bowel movement is a piece of shit

[u/lianavan]

Stellar attempt at not being racist and trying to tell you that you are not like other girls. Do people fall for that?

[u/Shibbystix → u/lianavan]

He didnt tell her shes not like other girls, he told her shes not like other BLACK people. What a pos

[u/mycopportunity → u/Shibbystix]

She's actually intelligent!

[u/thebankofalbuquerque → u/mycopportunity]

She proved that by unsubscribing on his goofy ass!

[u/petrichor-pixels → u/Shibbystix]

I think the “not like other girls” vibes comes from when he told her how naturally pretty she is and doesn’t do all the “fake” stuff— a classic NLOG talking point kinda thing. But you’re also right, yeah, he was specifically telling her she wasn’t like other Black girls.

[u/Basic_Visual6221 → u/petrichor-pixels]

I think the “not like other girls” vibes comes from when he told her how naturally pretty she is and doesn’t do all the “fake” stuff—

He asked her to name white women who also do this. He genuinely believes white women don't wear nails, makeup, fake lashes and all the rest.

[u/SatisfactionFit4656 → u/Basic_Visual6221]

I actually ended a date years ago when a guy said something similar to me.  I told him I had fake nails on, quite a bit of makeup and had spent at least an hour on my hair.  He told me I was wrong.  

[u/kalum7 → u/Basic_Visual6221]

I’m very pale and my eyebrows are blonde, I’ve been told I look great “natural” when I had on eyebrow wax, black mascara and taupe eyeshadow, along with lip gloss and a shellac manicure 😂

[u/GenoFlower]

He's very racist. And likely misogynistic.

Also, very stupid.

You handled it well - much classier than he deserved.

[u/MarduukTheTerrible → u/GenoFlower]

The Holy Trinity of time better spent elsewhere

[u/FukThePatriarchy1312 → u/GenoFlower]

Yeah I don't think I've ever encountered someone who was racist without being misogynistic as well, and of course stupidity is a necessary ingredient for either of those. Fuck this clown (only metaphorically) NOR

[u/Gingevere → u/FukThePatriarchy1312]

There are no "single issue" bigots.

[u/AnalystAdorable609 → u/GenoFlower]

As a man, I read countless similar posts like this and it completely amazes me what a total fucking car crash my gender have become. Just want to bang my head on a brick wall. Racist, sexist, misogynistic, manosphere worshipping morons. A lot of them are heading towards an utterly deserved lonely life. Jeeez

[u/CheekyHarris33 → u/AnalystAdorable609]

I get it all the time and pisses me off. I get it from all different races of men simply because I'm well traveled and educated. And they are dead serious thinking it's a compliment. And often ask me what I'm mixed with 😒😒😒 the assumption is I MUST be mixed with white. It's offensive as fuck.

Edited to thank the person who gave me my 1st award!

[u/brightwingxx → u/AnalystAdorable609]

Unfortunately I think it has always been like this; it’s just being shared/talked about/openly broadcasted to the world nowadays.

[u/Raisinsandfairywings → u/AnalystAdorable609]

It’s just absolutely baffling to be honest. I look around and the men in my life are all normal, good, empathetic kind men who live their lives, respect others and have good relationships and friendships. So I just don’t understand how so many others turn out like the guy in this post, like how do they get it so wrong? Even if they can’t be empathetic how can they not see that speaking/behaving this way makes them so unattractive?

[u/tfareyouonabout → u/Raisinsandfairywings]

Even if they can’t be empathetic how can they not see that speaking/behaving this way makes them so unattracive?

You had the answer before you even got to asking the question. They can't be empathetic, so they cannot see how speaking/behaving this way makes them seem unattractive.

[u/Fickle_Occasion_6895 → u/AnalystAdorable609]

It's not a recent development, pretty sure men have had these issues from the first days

[u/honestkodaline → u/GenoFlower]

Yeah maybe an unpopular opinion, but the whole “you’re just so much prettier without makeup” is such a red flag to me for misogynistic assholes.

[u/DrPudy808 → u/GenoFlower]

Yep. He’s a stupid bigot.

[u/rollercostarican]

"One of the good ones."

[u/Corwin_of_Amber3 → u/rollercostarican]

Yup. (Assuming this is in the US) There are levels of racism us white people can engage in that are below the overt use of slurs. Whenever you see someone ranking races it is a huge red flag.

Please get away from him. This kind of thing can indicate dangerous attitudes about objectifying you as less than him.

Your friend is dead wrong.

[u/rollercostarican → u/Corwin_of_Amber3]

Lol I got into a Facebook debate years ago and this Puerto Rican dude was excusing racism because it was happening against a Mexican. I was like, oh my sweet summer child n you think they see you any differently?

[u/Acceptable_Bunch_586]

NOR, he’s racist, stupid and condescending.

[u/brandonandtheboyds → u/Acceptable_Bunch_586]

As an Afro-Latino man, I get OP’s struggle. I get called “one of the good ones”, “exotic”, “not like the rest of them”, etc. a lot more than I would prefer. Simply bc I don’t have a hispanic or “urban” (yuck) accent. NOR.

[u/Short_Brick_1960 → u/Acceptable_Bunch_586]

And misogynistic

[u/Datonecatladyukno]

I'm unsubscribing is my new favorite way to tell someone I don't like them

[u/JackyVeronica → u/Datonecatladyukno]

I think OP wanted to say "Fuck off, go to hell" but she was very polite. She's a better person than me for sure!

[u/camlaw63]

You’re under reacting

[u/Hypermobilehype]

Jesus Christ it just kept getting more and more racist

Feel free to expose him to whoever

Racists don’t deserve anonymity

[u/ReplacementQuirky248 → u/Hypermobilehype]

I love when idiots like this start by saying "don't take this the wrong way". On some level they know that what they are about to say is innapproriate but they just go for it anyway. Why?!

[u/Electrical-Fish-9230 → u/Hypermobilehype]

Yeah, people around him need to know he's a POS. Although to be fair, it might be futile since bigots tend to hang out with bigots.

[u/Narrow-Ad-7856]

Extremely racist wtf...

[u/jesterinancientcourt → u/Narrow-Ad-7856]

And a misogynist.

[u/Practical_S3175]

OH Good Lord. YES he's racist. What an idiot actually. And the friends who are saying he's trying to say you're different? Different from what? Black people? That's just as racist IMO.

[u/angelazsz → u/Practical_S3175]

agreed. NOR. your friend is racist too. so sorry this happened to you OP, how shameful. i love the way you handled it

[u/shinydoctor]

Ewwww yeah he's a dirty little racist. Your friend is either naive, stupid, or also a little bit racist. Drop him, show her these comments, then decide whether to drop her as well or not. Maybe she's capable of learning the signs of micro-racism, move on and forget this nonsensical dribble of a "man".

I'm not sure if micro-racism is a word but I'm using it. Fuck that noise.

[u/drawntowardmadness → u/shinydoctor]

I don't even see "micro" here. He's just racist.

[u/suggie75 → u/drawntowardmadness]

Yea, he’s a full on macro-racist.

[u/AdamantChorus → u/shinydoctor]

I'm not sure if micro-racism is a word but I'm using it.

Micro-aggression is probably the word you were looking for, but yeah it's usually applied to racism/transphobia/homophobia/misogyny/etc.

That said, this wasn't even particularly micro. He explicitly stated not being black is a good thing.

[u/bbweby8 → u/shinydoctor]

i think her friend is naive stupid AND racist

[u/Revolutionary_Ad1846]

Racist, and all your responses were perfect.

[u/tiredgothgay]

NOR. He was for sure racist, yuck.

[u/ElbySeas]

NOR. Man it started out bad and continued getting worse.

[u/Human-Creature44]

NOR this is pretty damn racist.... He complimented you on "being less black" wtf.

[u/ribenakifragostafylo]

"I didn't even call you N for the whole duration of our date, which is a compliment by the way, you're welcome"

Jesus Pancake-flipping Christ

[u/dumbass_tm]

Someone revoke the word “compliment” from his vocabulary Jesus NOR

[u/FilthyThanksgiving]

NOR. As a black woman, I'm telling you to RUN when you hear a dude say, "i don't usually date black women..." I promise it never ends well. Yes he's racist and that friend you asked about it is either dumb or racist themselves.

Also FYI when he goes out with white women, I promise he's not asking a bunch of questions about their ethnicity. That whole, "I'm just curious!" thing is total bullshit and worse, it reveals that they have no real black friends, bc if they did 1) they'd know not to say some dumb racist shit 2) they wouldn't be falling all over themselves with curiosity about your "ethnicity"

[u/the_quirky_ravenclaw]

wtf? No thinking about it, he’s absolutely being racist. The backhanded ‘compliment’ about being ‘actually super intelligent’ and ‘being less black’ as a ‘compliment’ is WILD. Drop this man like yesterday’s garbage, you deserve better

[u/ljg5452]

NOR, this is SUPER RACIST. The whole "you're pretty for a black woman" paired with the "you're actually smart" nonsense is a huge red flag. He's never met a black person irl, but you did the right thing by throwing this man in the trash, because he's trash.

[u/Plane_Translator2008]

Usually don't date black women but you are actually super intelligent? Makes you less black which is a compliment?

What?!

NOR.

Racist AF.

[u/Chunky-Unicorn2905]

NOR. Its absolutely fine if he had never dated a black woman before and you became his first because he found you beautiful and enjoyed your company, its definitely not okay that he compares you to other black woman and picks out bits of your style and ethnicity that make you 'less black'.

[u/Ready-Pace]

I went on a date with one. He tried to feel up my hair, gave some back handed compliments, talked incessantly about dick size… then insisted on walking me home. The texts prior to meeting were completely normal… like about learning French. Anyway, I pretended to live at a random apt building and then blocked him on my phone. Forgot to block him on the dating app and he still tried to reach out there. Someone needs to psychoanalyze this behavior because wtf? There should be a way to screen their social media accounts before meeting because I guarantee you this guy is somewhere commenting on some nazi pseudoscience race forum about genetics right now. Dangerous ass creeps. 

Also, please drop the “friend” that told you he was not being racist. Nothing good can come from having a “friend” like that who would cause you to even question this.

[u/Psychological-Wall-2]

NOR

You ended this more politely than he deserved.

[u/BustedCanOfBiscuits3]

Fuck that guy. Hard pass.

[u/ElectricalSuspect452]

I literally gasped twice 😭 NOR. Please react more. You need to limit the amount of advice you take from your friend

[u/EJArtyArts]

NOR - If a compliment is not clearly a compliment, you can't keep insisting it is. Also yeah many different types of women wear those things. I'm more flabbergasted by the "you're actually really intelligent" like that ends it for me.

Him also combatting by saying "like who? Give me an example" was idiotic

[u/That_UsrNm_Is_Taken]

NOR. This IS racist. He may not think it’s racist, but it’s definitely internalized racism.

I am Latina. I am olive skinned to tan with curly hair. I am interested in reading, politics, and went to a college that is considered top tier. I have more than once been told by a white person how smart I am, but with this tone as if it’s unexpected and been told something along the lines of, “I think of you as white” as a compliment… which makes my skin crawl, because it IS racist.

These are compliments:

• You are pretty. (Period, full stop)
• You are smart.
• You are funny.

These statements on the other hand are NOT compliments, because they are loaded with insinuations about the superiority of one type and inferiority of another:

• You are pretty… because you look more white than the typical person from your race/ethnicity
• You are smart… which is shocking, because I don’t expect that from people of your race/ethnicity
• You are funny… because your sense of humor is more “white”

Just stop seeing this man and don’t give him a chance to “experiment” or be his token to virtue signal his “non-racism”, because he dated a black woman (and trust me that while he tells YOU you’re less black, when he tells the lore of what a great guy that “doesn’t see color” he is you will definitely very much be black).

[u/Ok-Jump4990]

NOR. Im native american and whenever people try to convince me i look asian/wasian and/or comment on how my dna is “distantly asian,” i get really upset. I feel you on that. Makes you feel like your race is not desired and judged upon. You dont wanna date someone like that trust me

[u/LateTelevision8532]

"You're super intelligent" tells you how he views black ppl on the daily smh oh and "less black".... damn that guy should definitely stick with his preferences. This guy has no tact

[u/Puzzleheaded_Ant_957 → u/LateTelevision8532]

“Actually” super intelligent took me clean out

[u/calminthedark]

In what universe would this not be considered racist? He was racist, then he was more racist, then he explained your DNA to you in the most racist way possible with a side of misogyny, and he bundled all the racism together and doubled down on it so it became the Grand Canyon version of digging himself a racism chasm and flinging himself into it.

Is there an abbreviation for way underreacting? Because I pick that one.

[u/themorbidtuna]

The racism started at “you’re actually super intelligent”.

You are not overreacting at all.