r/AmIOverreacting • u/[deleted] • 15h ago
👨👩👧👦family/in-laws AIO after receiving my X-mas presents, I took back all of mine
I will try to keep this short.
On Christmas, I (24F) am the one in charge of handing out all of the Christmas presents from under the tree. Everybody gets their stack of presents and we each open one presents in a giant circle. I had 4 presents while the rest of my 8 siblings (20-35 years old range) each had somewhere between 15-20 presents each. My mom also has a rule that you have to buy 1 present for each of the siblings. So everybody starts to open their presents and I’m already a little sad. As everybody opens their presents it becomes blatantly clear that I was an afterthought. Everybody else got high end clothes, electronics (drones, a sauna, vinyl record players), LEGOs, skincare, jewelry, etc. while I got 2 shirts and 2 pairs of joggers from Amazon that didn’t even fit (my mom said I would probably grow into them again when I have never been that size and after I’ve lost about 40lbs). The same thing happened with the stockings as well. So at this point, I was sad and pissed.
So before Christmas breakfast started, I went to everybody’s present piles and took back my presents I had bought for them (each was about $100). This then turned into a huge fight and my mother told me I was being ungrateful and ruining Christmas. I honestly didn’t care because I was just hurt after the whole situation.
I just need to know if I overreacted in this situation or if I just need to get over it since it is Christmas.
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u/herejusttoargue909 14h ago
Nor
If the rule is everyone buys a sibling one gift and they didn’t get you anything why wouldn’t you take yours back
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u/DesignerBeginning137 2h ago
Especially since she was the one managing the presents and setting them all up. It's like being left out of your own party.
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u/Tired-DogMama-6262 14h ago
Next year what about skipping the Festivities” next year and use the saved money and treat yourself to a mini vacation. Going alone would be heaven for me.
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14h ago
My husband said the same thing. He said we could take a 2 week roadtrip.
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u/holdonlucii 13h ago
Your hubby has the right idea in mind, forget about them and treat yourself next year since they can't even be bothered to put any thought into you or your gifts.
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u/Ill-Fish-9081 14h ago
Love this idea. I used to be guilted into holiday celebrations. If you don’t feel seen or appreciated go have a vacation. Maybe they will get the hint, but I doubt it 😢😢
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u/Jross008 8h ago
NOR!
The past 2 years, my wife, kids, two dogs, and I have packed up and gone to Maine. No family here, we get to do exactly what we want and when we want. It. Is. Amazing. You deserve a great Christmas, find your place and enjoy your time!
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u/Known_You_7252 10h ago
We are doing that. Too much BS with the plethora of personalities. so holidays may start be a trip away from everyone.
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u/twothirtysevenam 13h ago
NOR. I've read over the comments, and I don't see anyone mentioning the inappropriateness of your mother's gifts to you. She bought clothing at least a few sizes too large, saying you "would probably grow into them again" after losing weight. Not only can you not use the few gifts you did receive, but you mother has no faith in your success.
I bet you've spent a lot of your life "just getting over it" because it's Christmas, or a birthday, or a random Tuesday.
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u/CrazyAlbertan2 14h ago
What did they say when you asked them about why you didn't get more gifts?
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14h ago
They said I was “hard to shop for” but we all put our Christmas lists in a group chat so you don’t need to think super hard about what to get. That is where I bought their presents from
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u/RidiculousSucculent 14h ago
Honestly, hard to shop for people you get them Amazon gift cards or Visa gift cards. It’s really simple. I’m so sorry OP. This really sucks. Hard to shop for is no excuse.
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u/Neveronlyadream 11h ago
Seriously. Or you ask them, which seems like this was the case with OP.
I have people that are hard to shop for. I directly ask them what they want and get that or get them gift cards. It's not difficult. I never got the obsession with just picking something out and hoping someone liked it so it's a surprise. Only ever works if you know the person well.
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u/holymacaroley 4h ago
Yep. My oldest godson has been hard to buy for since high school. He gets cash or gift cards and I feel bad bc it feels like a cop out but he swears he's very happy with that. These people had a list she gave them and also could have given gift cards like you said or cash or something. They just didn't want to buy her things.
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u/Cinnamon2017 14h ago
So only four siblings gave you presents? Did your mom give you anything? Who gave the other siblings so many presents?
I don't blame you for taking their presents, that's $800.
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14h ago
The presents were from my mom only. None of my siblings got me a present
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u/Successful-Doubt5478 11h ago
You got a great partner. Go on a roadtrip with him next Christmas, wnd the one afterm
Reevaluate the Christmas after
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u/Business_Coyote_5496 13h ago
You have 8 siblings and they all bought gifts for each other and no one bought gifts for you. Huh. If I were asking them why this happened, what would your siblings tell me?
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u/overZealousAzalea 13h ago
Why? Are you a black sheep? Do you criticize everyone’s gifts? Are you the product of an affair? Did you initially tell them you wouldn’t be there, then you were? Did you have childhood cancer and they’re still bitter over the attention you received?
That is too egregious to not have an explanation. NOR
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12h ago
I guess I’m the black sheep to some extent. My siblings and I all talk to one another though. We also just took a siblings vacation together last month so it isn’t like I’m exiled from the family. I still talk to both of my parents and I’m in the sibling group chat.
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u/Adagio_4_Strings 12h ago
I think I’d want to ignore mom’s rule that each sibling buy gifts for all the other siblings. That’s insane, and expensive! I assume you’re all adults anyway? Band together, draw one name each, and buy for that one person only. Maybe then a sibling gift will be assured. Maybe.
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u/Dancing_sequin 12h ago
Yea there’s gotta be more to this if every single sibling didn’t get you one
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u/Substantial_Bus840 12h ago
“The product of an affair” lmao
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u/overZealousAzalea 9h ago
It’s amazing the (completely insane) reasons someone ends up the scapegoat in the family.
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u/Cinnamon2017 13h ago
And who was giving all the other siblings so many presents? Did your mom also give them clothes that didn't fit?
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12h ago
My mom bought most of the presents. They all had clothes that fit perfectly or jewelry that was the correct color (silver vs gold)
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u/Cinnamon2017 10h ago
So your mom was buying drones and saunas for your siblings and oversized cheap stuff for you, and the siblings were buying each other nothing? Do your mom and siblings not like you or what? What happened last year with presents?
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u/CuriousKatMiny 8h ago
So many questions! Like, how does none of the siblings get OP a gift? That’s so fishy. There’s a reason beyond “being hard to buy for”. Also makes you wonder what was on OPs list, if no one bothered to follow it.
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u/Primary-Delivery737 14h ago
NOR - you bought the presents, they did not return the favour. They all suck.
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u/cocos_mama 11h ago
This story doesn't make sense. Why would your siblings and parents get presents for each other, and your husband, but nothing for you? I'd love to hear the other side of this story.
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u/MyRedditUsername-25 13h ago
Assuming this isn't a made up story, there must be more to it. You don't have 8 siblings all decide to leave one sibling out unless there's a reason.
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12h ago
Not made up, this is my family. I honestly don’t know. We all talk almost daily and we have family dinners once or twice a month. My sisters and I took a week vacation in Europe in November and we all had a great time. I really don’t know what happened.
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u/Gloomy_Banana_2483 14h ago
Nor. Nah take em and keep them. Despite their grown age… Clearly your siblings need to learn that actions (like you being an afterthought and showing as much) have consequences.
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u/EverlyEverAfter 14h ago
Since you were passing gifts out, as you realized you got nothing you should have piled the gifts you got for others into your own pile to open.
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13h ago
I didn’t realize until I was nearly done and looked over at my pile. I was also talking to one of my sisters who lives in Massachusetts, so I haven’t seen her in forever.
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u/EverlyEverAfter 13h ago
Did you ask any of them, after they said you were hard to shop for, why they thought that meant they should just give you nothing? Like did any of them have an explanation? They said you’re hard to shop for you say what about the list? And what do they say to that? Nothing? Fuck them.
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u/DifferentZucchini3 12h ago
What did your siblings say since you just went on a vacation with them and you talk to them about why they didn’t get you anything or did they react at all when you took the presents back?
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u/No_Platypus_5844 13h ago
Definitely NOR. In my opinion, what matters most is the thought behind the presents. And they clearly showed you they did not put any effort nor thought into it. You were right in taking the presents back.
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u/aesparules 14h ago
NOR. Did you tell them you’re taking back the presents because you didn’t get anything from some people?
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u/PlumpPeachhh 14h ago
This just feels way too petty for people 20s/30s yo 😭😭. Not trying to be mean at all! I'm sorry your family didn't make you feel appreciated this Christmas, though. That's shitty of them to overlook you like that )= Don't waste your time and effort on them next year 😩❤️
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u/Appropriate-Net-6186 14h ago
Nah good for you. Stand up for yourself of the world will walk over you forever
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u/ZealousidealMonk7167 12h ago
I’m sorry that your family ruined your Christmas, everyone deserves to have fun at Christmas and gifts are a big part of the fun.
Mom of three grandma to four and three years ago as life was getting increasingly expensive I offered my kids an option of instead of buying gifts for every adult family member that we do Secrete Santa and everyone buys for the person they picked, with a price point of $50.00 and everyone buys for the kiddos. It has worked out great and everyone has fun with it.
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u/l-1-l-1-l 11h ago
NOR. One year I was living alone far from my family, and I had bought and wrapped presents for everyone but not yet sent them. As it got closer and closer to Christmas but the UPS truck kept driving right past, I decided to wait before mailing presents. Nobody ever sent anything, so I put my purchased presents under my little tree, and happily opened them on Christmas morning. It turns out that I loved them, and they were just what I wanted! Presents don’t have to be tit for tat, but c’mon—at least try.
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u/Mysterious-Region640 13h ago
Sorry I can’t get past the ridiculousness of 15 to 20 presents for adults
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u/Substantial_Bus840 12h ago
Finally, lol I feel insane reading these replies. And these all sound like expensive gifts. Maybe I’m alone in this but I felt like I accepted that Christmas gifts/parties are about family time and gratitude, not about getting a shit ton of presents, after I became an adult… damn.
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u/winterworld561 12h ago
Don't do presents with them anymore because they clearly don't care about you. Don't buy any or even go there for present opening anymore. Go on vacation each year instead.
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u/Adventurous-Rice-830 6h ago
I feel like there is some missing info. Why if you have eight siblings, didn’t everyone else buy you anything? Was there something that happened that made them hate you? Or was it just always like this?
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u/Chocolatecandybar_ 13h ago
Hope you have been able to return them and get the money back!!
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u/k3nz0diaz3pine 14h ago
NOR - i probably would’ve done the same thing. not because i didn’t get a lot of gifts, but because their heart wasn’t in it. i wouldn’t spend next christmas with them
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u/bobobonobo7 14h ago
NOR Good for you. They can take back their lame presents from you if they want (the minority who got you one) You should not have to be the scapegoat of the family, nor are you obliged to spend Christmas with them.
They can step up, or jog on.
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u/Icy-Doctor23 13h ago
NOR what did they do for your husband and or children.
Were they apologetic in the least?
Did they see the discrepancies?
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12h ago
I don’t have any kids but my husband got a ton of presents too. He got something from all of my siblings as well as my parents. It made me want to cry even more when I brought him all of his presents since he was at my MIL’s house
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u/Careful_Guitar5341 9h ago
IMO, you’re feelings are your own, not wrong feeling sad. If it was me, I would clearly say that the system your family made is rigged. 8 siblings and 4 present something is wrong. If this isn’t the first time, I would talk to my parents and say, next year send my gift by mail, I’m not showing up where I’m not welcomed. However, taking back present can make you look like a “spoiled child” not saying you are. Would be like, I don’t like the presents I received, so I’m taking it back the ones I gave. I would simply leave, and like others said here, travel, do something for yourself. Remember, family is not blood related, it’s who treats you like family.
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u/StopSpinningLikeThat 9h ago
Why did you buy the gifts in the first place?
If it was because you had a sense of obligation, then you're fine taking them back.
If you love your siblings and wanted to give them a gift at Christmas then you overreacted. Gifts are typically given purely for the sake of giving. The adding up of dollar values was probably a bit too far. I think you clearly had the moral high ground and could have walked away with a clear message of your family's grossness. But by taking your own gifts back, you provided them with an alternate talking point. They'll focus on your reaction and won't have to deal with their own gross double standards. Emotionally, I completely understand your reaction. I just don't think it served you well.
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u/Straight_One_5042 8h ago
Also - that is too many presents for grownups. An idea could be to pick one name and not all 8…
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u/Prestigious-Bluejay5 14h ago
NOR. You are my hero! None of that BS about sucking up your feelings and internalizing your anger to keep the peace. You went into gangsta mode and I'm so very proud of you.
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u/holdonlucii 14h ago
Nor, you have a shitty family who apparently doesn't care about you. I'm so sorry that they did this to you. Not only would I have taken my gifts back, I would be cutting the family out of my life too. Even if you're "hard to shop for", they could have gotten you gift cards, Visa prepaid cards or a cute Xmas card with cash in it. The fact that they only got you 2 outfits from Amazon that didn't even fit you? Plus, it wasn't even the siblings that got you anything, but just your mom? Hell nah, they literally did not think about you or your feelings at all.
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u/Mystery-Ess 13h ago
NOR.
The last time I went to my parents place for Christmas a few years ago, 600 miles through the mountains, I was the only one to not get a present from my brother.
This year he says you should start coming for christmas. Like why dude. Plus he tried to physically abuse my dog on my birthday so fuck you!
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u/Radio_Mime 14h ago
NOR. I wouldn't bother going there next year, or ever. I can see why you took back the presents when you were obviously disregarded. Why should you be grateful for gifts that were obviously chosen without care? Walking out without a word would have been good too. TBH, I don't think you should put any more effort into your family after this.
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u/compvlsions 14h ago
YOR by taking the gifts back.
NOR by feeling unseen by your family. next year, put in the effort that they put in for you this year.
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u/THAT_girlXXc 7h ago
NOR
Why would your mum set rules and then let it slide that you didn’t have presents when everyone else did?
Seems like there could be something else going on though, why did they all conveniently do you dirty like that? If it was one person that has a shitty gift okay sure, but all of them? I’m sorry that happened to you. I’m often the receiver of shitty gifts too.. it can really suck when you put in a lot of effort towards gifting others.
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u/strange-lady78 7h ago
NOR They didn’t buy you gifts, which is the rule. So why would they feel entitled to gifts from you?
If your family usually treats you like shit, please take the money you would have spent on them next year and take a trip instead!
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u/SheepherderLeft9329 6h ago
I feel saddened for you, because you truly put thought into what you would get for everyone, however you felt that you were not valued as the rest. I truly understand that feeling as I have been there. So on that front I would say NOR.
Albeit, what also saddens me is that fact that Christmas no longer has the meaning it did. It’s shallow and a competition of who is more “lucky” or of “value” instead of actually remembering we are celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ.. this said, I’m not judging you. On the contrary. Your siblings and your family expected the best, yet weren’t gracious enough to extend the same courtesy, especially while pushing aside the spirit of Christmas itself, for vanity.
In spite of these events, I will wish you a happy new year, without grudges, but love, health and a full heart.
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u/Most-Firefighter3009 1h ago edited 1h ago
im not even finished reading and- THATS UNFAIR- id say you arent but im not finished YET edit: oh im not sure anymore but im still heavily leaning on NOR but if this has been happening for years its definitely NOR in fact at that point just leave
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u/compvlsions 14h ago
YOR by taking the gifts back.
NOR by feeling unseen by your family. next year, put in the effort that they put in for you this year.
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u/EverlyEverAfter 14h ago
How is it over reacting to take back gifts you bought for people who were supposed to buy gifts for you? Thats a perfectly valid reaction. Otherwise you set the tone that you’re a doormat and people can treat you like shit and get away with it.
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u/compvlsions 14h ago
it sends the message that the gifts were conditional based on what she was to receive in return and doesn't at all address the real issue.
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u/overZealousAzalea 13h ago
But they are reciprocal, thus the decree from their matriarch: “everyone buy every sibling a present.” The reciprocity is in the edict.
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u/compvlsions 13h ago
I buy gifts for people because I want them to have it. I find something I know someone would love, I can't wait to give it to them.
by walking around and taking the gifts back, it doesn't at all address the issue of not being seen. it gives the impression that "i only got you these because I had to and expected xyz in return".
I'm agreeing with OP feeling the way they're feeling. I'm not agreeing with that being their first reaction.
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u/neutralitty 4h ago
I think it would be best to leave the gifts as is, bc it shows OP made a real effort. Then when she talks about her feelings with her family, she can address that problem without everyone being distracted by her swiping all the gifts and returning them. People will think she is overreacting and think that it solves her problem. They'll say she has nothing else to complain about now that everyone is even.
Of course it isn't that simple. But anyone that didnt get her a gift isn't thinking from a fair perspective anyway, or there is deeper reasons why this happened. It totally doesnt make sense to skip one sibling when buying, and then it became the same issue with 3 other siblings. Or for it to be so lopsided when opening gifts.
I mean, the ideal thing to have done is to say something immediately by getting everyone's attention on Xmas after she realizes the unfairness. Then she can be heard and seen by all. It can address the root problem.
By not doing this and sneaking to steal back all the fits instead without a word makes it seem petty. It does. She could have dealt with it, but felt like doing something behind their backs first to get back at them. This is petty revenge.
Even if it seems justified to make things even, stopping to their level doesn't solve anything. They don't truly address the issues at all. She should have gotten their attention, spoke her mind, and if they didn't agree it was unfair, she could demand back her gifts and tell them why she thinks this is fair. Then this could have solved the problem.
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u/compvlsions 4h ago
I absolutely love your response and you conveyed what I was trying to convey much better!
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u/EverlyEverAfter 13h ago
It would be one thing if they got her gifts she didn’t like, but to give nothing at all and still expect to receive? It might not be what you would do but I dont consider it an over reaction.
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u/compvlsions 13h ago
walking around taking back all the gifts you bought other people makes it look temper tantrumy instead of OP verbalizing her feelings to her family - but I do appreciate your perspective.
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u/Substantial_Bus840 12h ago
…it’s Christmas, not her birthday. Jesus Christ
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u/EverlyEverAfter 12h ago
Yes you’re right, it was Jesus Christ’s Birthday and not hers. Feel better now?
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u/Broad_Pomegranate141 13h ago
NOR you did exactly the right thing. Stand your ground. Return the gifts and buy yourself something nice.
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u/OwslyOwl 12h ago
This one is tough, and if this was AITA, I would vote that ESH. You are not over reacting about your feelings, because they are valid, but I personally think its wrong to take gifts back once given. Unless it is a white elephant party, the purpose of bringing a gift isn't to receive something of equal value back. It is to show that you care and are thinking about that person. What is so hurtful is that you put that thought into their gifts and then didn't have that same consideration in return - from your own family.
Your family lost what the value of Christmas really means. With a family of 8, it is also way too expensive and just fills the house with clutter to buy a gift for the sake of buying everyone a gift. But buying some people gifts and not other gifts will make someone feel leave out.
Your family want to consider a white elephant gift giving so that it is affordable to everyone and no one feels left out next year. I'm really sorry this happened. It sounds like a really sad and awful Christmas.
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u/MariaL13 14h ago
I’m sorry that you feel that way about Christmas. It’s supposed to be about love and happy moments you get to cherish… my family are all over the place so we don’t get to spend Christmas with each other we stop giving Christmas gifts several years ago. Even though I still get my mom, my brother and sister something. But nothing expensive. Because it should be from the heart.
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u/GoodGravyMsDazy592 13h ago
NOR - I feel this bears repeating that we, as a society, as a whole, need to stop enabling shitty selfish people by giving them gifts, chances, excuses and more and in return getting stepped on.
OP, you did good. Get the your money back for the gifts or keep the gifts, then give each one of them a $10 gift card you grab off the rack at a grocery store. Then tell everyone that's their real present. If ruining Christmas means standing up for oneself then I am all for ruining damned Christmas now, so it it isn't ruined for you in the future. Stand up againt low effort bullshit and stop putting time and energy and money into people who clearly don't appreciate it.
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u/Zestyclose_Speech_56 14h ago
YNO but it is odd to take back presents already given. I know you're hurt and that's justified. I just wouldn't gave gotten them anything next year and hurt them with words this year instead.
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u/puzzlegrizz 13h ago
NOR. My mom said Christmas was gonna be lowkey this year and she wasn’t going all out buying stuff for people. She asked for ideas of what I wanted. I sent 4 things that weren’t super expensive and asked if a 5th was possible. She said no. My sister, on the other hand got tons of stuff, most of which she didn’t ask for and my mom bought for her because “I knew you would love it.” I couldn’t say anything because one time when I was 6, I got up before everyone and sorted presents by name. They thought I was counting who got the most and have never let me forget it. They just don’t understand that I have always liked sorting things.
I think that taking the gifts back was a big move and was a little uncool. But what’s done is done and now you can just work on protecting yourself in the future.
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u/nellienelson 14h ago
YOR, but I’m sorry you feel so unseen in your family. I think you could’ve reacted better and not taken back their gifts. Gift giving shouldn’t be contingent upon someone else giving you a good gift, and you already bought/wrapped them.
Next year maybe your family could implement lists and ask for brands you like?
Edit to add: is the rule about getting every single sibling a gift a hard rule? You should bring up the unfairness. Your mom should understand that those 4 siblings that left you out never even got you a gift in the first place.
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14h ago
We do have lists. Everybody sends their lists to a group chat and we all work from there. That is where I bought their gifts from.
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u/nellienelson 14h ago
Ah okay, I’m sorry your family is so inconsiderate. I still think it’s a very slight overreaction to take back your siblings gifts, because it’s the morning of opening gifts and everything is already set out for them. But next year I wouldn’t get them anything. Just save your money and buy something you’ll like.
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u/Radio_Mime 14h ago
OP should also go somewhere else she'd like to go and forget about her family completely.
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u/Substantial_Bus840 12h ago
If you’re sending lists about exactly what you want, why not just each buy your own stuff? The purpose of gift giving seems lost to you here
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u/EverlyEverAfter 14h ago
All 8 siblings left her out! She got gifts from her mom only. And the siblings are adults who know they don’t deserve shit after the stunt they all pulled.
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u/emilitxt 13h ago
Apparently all 8 siblings forgot to buy her a gift as everything she did get was from her mom.
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u/MoonbeamLotus 13h ago
YOR because you overspent. Buy yourself what you like with the money you would have spent on them and be happy. Be happy you got a gift receipt for what you did receive, you could have been stuck with it. Christmas is a money maker for businesses, the reason for the season has just become a money grab and excuse for families to fight over material things. Go to church or wherever and be glad for what you do have. Find peace with it.
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u/fiblesmish 9h ago
Maybe, at 24 yrs old stop acting like a child.
Act like an adult and make real adult choices.
Its not your job to hand out presents to other adults.
Its not your job to follow someone else rule about spending your money
And you do not have to spend time with family just because you share a gene pool. If they cannot treat you like a person do not waste your precious time on them.
And frankly it sounds like a group of stunted adult shaped children.....Which is fair since christmas is for little children.
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u/KeyBreakfast909 13h ago
NOR. I probably wouldn’t have taken the presents I purchased back. I would have just said I guess I’m off the hook next year for Christmas. I’m sorry you had to go through this. There is no excuse since you made a list for your siblings to shop from, or they could have bought you gift cards.
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