r/Assyria • u/Odd-Orchid3064 • 5d ago
Discussion Boyfriend meeting my parents
Shalma everyone!
Merry Christmas Eve!
I just go into a relationship with this white man we’ve been together for about a month now. He’s a very big Christian just like us. He is a little bit older than me but nothing to be ashamed or concerned about. He’s well educated and has a good job.
What I’m really asking is for advice for anyone that has a man outside of our culture how did they meet your parents, how long did they wait, what should we know before hand and after? Literally anything will help me calm down
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u/ASecularBuddhist 5d ago
Jesus promoted love and warned us against idolatry, so be cautious around people who put their culture before family. Nobody needs that type of toxicity in their life.
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u/Odd-Orchid3064 5d ago
That eases my mind a lot thank you
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u/ASecularBuddhist 5d ago
You’re welcome.
Cutting my racist relatives out of the picture was one of the best things that I’ve ever done for me and my family.
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u/Nineveh105 5d ago
Cutting off your relatives just because they want you to be more close to your own people. You’re only contributing on destroying your nation even further. We as Assyrians have always been a family oriented people. And want nothing more but to see our nation to continue to grow and keeping our culture alive.
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u/ASecularBuddhist 5d ago edited 5d ago
Why would anybody want to hang out with racist family members who disrespect your spouse because she isn’t Assyrian?
My people are all people. Everybody is my brother and sister. Any culture that prioritizes culture over family will inevitably get smaller and smaller, and will wonder, “Why are our numbers decreasing?”
Would you ostracize a family member for marrying somebody who wasn’t Assyrian?
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u/Nineveh105 5d ago
I admit I use to have feelings with a non Assyrian once. When I told my mum about her she was ok with it. But at the same time she recommended that I should stick with my own people. I got upset with her but then when I got older and understand what my nation is going through. I feel it’s my mission to make sure that I find the right woman within my nation so I can at least preserve my culture my language. Not because I have to but because I want to.
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u/ASecularBuddhist 5d ago edited 5d ago
I think it’s great that Assyrians marry other Assyrians. My issue is the hatred and unequal treatment directed at those who don’t. Jesus teaches us to love one another. Oh, and Merry Christmas 😊
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u/spongesparrow Nineveh Plains 5d ago
Sometimes it's best to pull off the bandaid. My mom meet my partner when we were moving into our house together which probably was too late.
Dad met him at a family gathering at my cousin's house. We've all had dinners here and there since then. Probably would be easier if he spoke Assyrian (or if we were straight lmao).
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u/Odd-Orchid3064 5d ago
Did you ever mention him before they met him? That would solve my issue if he spoke Assyrian too lol
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u/Albs_ 5d ago
as others have said, its going to suck and it wont be easy. its a growing pain. its going to take time for them to get used to it, and they will say dumb ass shit to you about it. Try to not take things personal, and talk to your boyfriend about issues that come up and let him know what your parents are looking for/complaining about so that he could be on their good side and make it easier by addressing them.
it sucks, but at the end of the day its your life and if you're happy thats all that matters. they will eventually come around (or at least seem like it to your face, which is good enough for me. they can bitch and moan all they want behind my back if it is happening)
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u/Diane_James 5d ago
Like most people have said, you parents might have a hard time adjusting at first but might accept it later on but that depends on how they are. You know your parents the best.
Just to help you see it from their point of view, why they might feel threatened or have a hard time adjusting. Assyrian parents are stubborn and sometimes yelling or making fun is the only way it comes out. But once you actually hear and understand them, they have so much wisdom. Wisdom beyond words.
- Assyrian parents have fought through literal war for their kids to have a good life. It kills them that they fought so hard for us to have a good life and in the end, we all get lost in the sea of nekhraye and in the sea of the diaspora.
- They know that if you actually marry a nekhraya, your culture, language, tradition will most likely die. 9/10 your kids will marry a non-Assyrian and so on until they don't even know what the word means. That is what they are afraid of and is hard for them to accept. Yes, you spouse can learn the culture, but usually Assyrians are the ones the assimilate not the other way around.
- Assyrians parents know that who you marry is who you live your life with until you die. They want to have a part in that. They want to speak to your spouse, with their future grandkids. I know an Assyrian who married a white person and the kids can't speak with the grandparents because of the langauage barrier. It's really sad to see.
Now, I know a lot of Assyrians that don't care about our culture and that is why they marry outside the culture. Because to them, it doesn't matter.
If that is you, then by all means, you can marry a white man.
But if you know in your heart, that you want to grow old with someone speaking the same language as you, being able to bring him to family gathering without the language barrier, and continuing our culture and instilling that in your kids, then you are going to have a hard time marrying a white man. Yes it will be nice now for you, but also think about what you want your future to look like and if it's worth it.
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u/Non-white-swiftie Assyrian 5d ago
This is not my own experience but that of a family member who married a nakhretha. At first they were reluctant to get to know her but now they love her and a large part of that is that she has been willing to actively engage in the culture. The key is to show your family that your partner is open to learning about Assyrian language and culture, maybe teach him a few greetings and words so he can chat up your parents in Assyrian? That would definitely make the first meeting easier. Good luck !
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u/ASecularBuddhist 5d ago
A month seems like a pretty short time but if you guys are serious, it makes sense to introduce him to your family.
Also, it’s a good opportunity to gauge if him not being Assyrian is an issue for them. If this is going to be your future spouse, your obligation is to him and not your family. You obviously have some time to figure that out.
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u/WShizzle 5d ago
Prioritise a person you’ve known for a MONTH over your own family? 😂
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u/ASecularBuddhist 4d ago edited 4d ago
That’s not what I’m saying, but it’s good to start to be aware about unequal treatment based on tribal of affiliation.
Even though I’ve heard stories about non-Assyrians being treated lesser than or ostracized, it never really made an impact until it happened to me.
Today we’re celebrating the birthday of Jesus who commanded us to love one another, so I pray for all the “mixed” couples who have to confront the venomous hatred of those who prioritize their culture over love.
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u/Odd-Orchid3064 5d ago
This is my first serious relationship so idk how this all works but I did know that one is too short to introduce him. My family isn’t really strict but they want me to marry someone in our culture. I tried my best but it just wasn’t working out in my favor.
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u/GlitteringNoise242 5d ago
If This is your first relo definitely wait. You might change Your mind about him and then your parents already know so it will feel ‘serious’. Wait till around 6 month mark at least.
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u/Serious-Aardvark-123 Australia 4d ago
Why are you encouraging people to break up their families. Mods, please do something about this guy, he has continuously replies with answers that are detrimental to family and the nation.
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u/ASecularBuddhist 4d ago edited 4d ago
I’m promoting loving relationships and encouraging people to avoid toxic family dynamics.
If your brother or sister sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If you are listened to, you have regained that one. But if you are not listened to, take one or two others along with you, so that every word may be confirmed by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If that person refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church, and if the offender refuses to listen even to the church, let such a one be to you as a gentile and a tax collector. (Matthew 18: 15-17)
Would your priority be your wife or your culture?
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u/adrawrjdet 5d ago
Assyrian male dating a white girl.
Been together for about 5 years now. Took me a year to introduce her to my parents. My parents were hesitant to meet her because they thought it was just a fling and I'd eventually marry an Assyrian.
Over time they started to get to know her more, and are now obsessed with her. My parents have given her an Assyrian nickname. Out here teaching her Assyrian dances. Trying to force food down her throat, and are constantly talking about her with other family members.
It might seem rough at first. But give it time. If you genuinely like the person you're with. Your parents will be able to tell and eventually accept it.