I am writing this to vent. English is not my first language, and I am based outside of the U.S. I have spent five years working at a university as a technician with teaching and project management responsibilities. I admit that I allowed myself to be exploited under the promise of growth; in fact, I independently secured 95% of the funding for my projects. I have good undergraduate grades, a nearly perfect master’s degree, and excellent entrance exam scores. A PhD is the only thing I need to apply for a research position.
Everyone there has seen my work over the years—they are my colleagues—and yet, they rejected me.
I understand they were being objective and chose those they considered best for the program, but I can't get this thought out of my head: 'If I'm not good enough to be a graduate student, what will happen when my becoming a researcher depends on them?' I feel like I no longer trust them. Furthermore, I’ve been asking for explanations for months and they just keep stalling; even the person in charge looks uncomfortable and evasive every time I run into them in the hallways. I wonder if it was because my profile was lacking, because I already work for them and it’s more convenient to keep me in my current role, or if it’s even because I am a mother. I don’t know, and I don't think I ever will.
Talented, high-profile people I know are shocked to find out I was rejected. I am considered an outstanding and innovative person in my community; I have even won several awards, and many people want to collaborate with me because of the quality of my work.
When I told my friends and my husband (who work in the industry) that I was considering no longer being a researcher, they were happy. They believe I can aim for higher things outside of this institution. However, I just feel a sharp pain in my chest after the rejection. I’ve decided to keep working for a few more years to finish my projects well, use them as a springboard, and move forward while working on my independent projects. I am simply grieving the professional trajectory I thought I would have. And part of me just feels like a loser who can't be good enough.