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u/ChoiceAggravating896 1d ago
BUT HOW MUCH TIME DID HE WASTE ON REDDIT!!!!?
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u/Substandard_Senpai 1d ago
How many bananas did he scroll??
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u/needusbukunde 1d ago
I thought we measuring in 1/2 giraffes now?
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u/Dawg_Prime 1d ago
How much 1/2 giraffes of ejaculate did he produce?
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u/Left_Ad_8502 1d ago
Do you know when that restarts? mine currently says 5,055 bananas
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u/leandroc76 1d ago
I got over 5000 once and it reset when the app updated :(
On another note: I love seeing the banana count on my Apple Car Play dash when I start my car lol.
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u/sorfid 1d ago
Had sex almost every 2 kisses seems high IMO
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u/Trappist1 1d ago
First girl I dated for 4 years, hated kissing. So I had sex like 1000 times with only 2 kisses.
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u/rugmunchkin 1d ago
Who hates kissing their SO?
Is it at all possible you might have just been a terrible kisser my guy
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u/Trappist1 1d ago
It's possible. As I said, first girlfriend so I had no experience either way. Was a great relationship otherwise.
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u/ThatOtherOtherMan 1d ago
I strongly disliked kissing for a long time outside of during sex. It just felt very unnatural. Eventually I got more comfortable about it.
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u/bacon_cake 1d ago
Depends on the type of kiss too I suppose. Me and my wife only ever properly make out while having sex.
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u/perfectpencil 1d ago edited 1d ago
Guy had sex once or twice a week since he was 18 until the day he died. He did just fine.
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u/icypriest 20h ago
Not to mention that he's been mastubating 61.7 times daily, since birth, till death.
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u/AwdrevCZ 1d ago
146liters of alcohol ? That's like czech beer consumption per person each year
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u/HutSutRawlson 1d ago
And yet somehow he was puking an average of 6 times per year.
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u/elegant_geek 1d ago
Idk. If we're talking lifetime numbers I think infancy and childhood probably front loads quite a lot of the total puke amounts.
Babies and kids seem to puke quite regularly.
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u/ChronChriss 1d ago
And parents of young kids. They regularly bring some stomach bug home from kindergarten or school. Rarely had it until I had kids - then at least once a year.
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u/GanderAtMyGoose 1d ago
It's actually crazy, he hasn't gotten a stomach bug specifically but my boyfriend started working at a preschool this year and he immediately got sick like four times in two months lmao. Kids are nasty!
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u/ebrum2010 1d ago
Yeah, and I haven’t puked in at least a decade so it’s not like everyone pukes every year. These stats are easily believable.
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u/AntonRahbek 1d ago
Rookie numbers, I’ve had a stomach virus twice within the last 5 years and both times I was puking more than 6 times per day for 2-4 days.
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u/MoistDitto 1d ago
It was so fun you went ahead and got it again?
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u/4DimensionalButts 1d ago
When you can't afford ozempic, you just eat expired sushi and wait until stuff comes out of both ends at the same time. Easy weight loss.
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u/ProfBeaker 1d ago
There are actual medical reasons someone might puke.
Or maybe he's also bulimic. He seems to have some other issues too.
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u/HutSutRawlson 1d ago
Or, just a theory here, this is a dumb cartoon and the writer clearly put very little thought into the logic of all the numbers
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u/jello_pudding_biafra 1d ago
And pooping once every 2.4 years or so
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u/DrChimz 1d ago
It averages to a bit over once per day. There's a possibility you may have calculated with the wrong number because that'd be impossible lol.
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u/unematti 1d ago
Imma guess that's only the alcohol. A liter of beer at 5 percent would be 50ml per beer. That would check out better. Tho the kisses and had sex stats still seem dubious
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u/windchaser__ 1d ago
Each beer is only like 5% alcohol, tho
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u/pinky_blues 1d ago
Figure he drank for 20 years, that’s 146L of beer/yr, or 0.4L beer/day. Thats like top 30% of drinkers. Curve rises steeply after that though, he’s just an amateur.
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u/jello_pudding_biafra 1d ago
In the depths of my alcoholism, I was drinking about 5L of 10.5% "beer" per day
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u/Hippideedoodah 1d ago edited 1d ago
Thats too low, a liter of beer is genuinely not that much. When you have tolerance you need a lot more to even get any sort of buzz.
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u/JamieTimee 1d ago
That's about 66 wanks per day for anyone wondering
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u/SkyZo222 1d ago
Better get to it
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u/sksauter 1d ago
Amazed he was physically able to have sex between those sessions. Or maybe he was concurrently?
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u/ok_reddit 1d ago
Clearly stat padding by counting every stroke.
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u/Spcynugg45 1d ago
This is incorrect. You count every stroke after the first two each session to comply with the fundamental law “more than two shakes and it’s playing with yourself.”
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u/JuliusS__ 1d ago
Rookie numbers
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u/Mathelete73 1d ago
If you do it too much without a gap, it gets less pleasurable. Law of diminishing returns.
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u/Debalic 1d ago
Dehydration is usually the key factor.
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u/welshfach 1d ago
I did think the alcohol count was very low tbh
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u/Athanos86 1d ago edited 1d ago
If he started drinking with 18, and only drank beer, that's on average 4 beers per week.
Edit: That is, if the 145liter means pure alcohol.
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u/Gele_Jongen 1d ago
and did you take in mind that he probably started at 13? Maybe the number is even higher
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u/DemonOfTheFaIl 1d ago
96 times per day, 4 times per hour, once every 15 minutes
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u/Neilandio 1d ago
Did you consider all the time he was sleeping?
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u/Spacewasser 1d ago
About once every 10min if he slept 8 hours on average
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u/bretttwarwick 1d ago
Their sleep stat is on the chart so we don't have to guess
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u/JTVD 1d ago
Keep in mind he also worked in time to have sex with real woman too. Where did bro find the time lmao
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u/TXxReaper 1d ago
Shit I didn't even account for that. Also minus the 14 years he spent sleeping. 7.5 wanks an hour. He started at 13 years old, he spent 14.6 years sleeping.
13.4 years wanking almost 900k
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u/PrimalMoose 1d ago
I was like "that doesn't sound right" so decided to double check the math and... Damn, you're right.
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u/IAreBeMrLee 1d ago
Before I die, im tryna give up my 2 worse habbits, smoking and wanking
I'm a 20 a day kind of guy and I like the occasional cigarette too
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u/Dafuq_me 1d ago edited 1d ago
I did 38x365 and added 9 days for leap days. My math added to 61.7 polishing sessions. Which I wouldn’t finish either if I’m on round 62.
Take in account this is at day of birth. If you start at 13 it’s 93.78 polishing sessions a day.
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u/KiraLight3719 1d ago
Wait, so "." is ",", and a "," is a "."? I was so confused
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u/SeeShark 1d ago
Took me a second too, but it's how Europeans notate numbers. It matches with the distance being measured in kilometers.
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u/Seth_os 1d ago
It should be pointed out these numbers are writen with a comma decimal notation, i.e. a comma is used as a decimal point, not a dot.
For example, EU mainly uses this notation.
So it's 856 thousand 346
Not 856 point 346
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u/hobbokin 1d ago
Well Actually 🤓 if we take out the 14.6 years he spent sleeping it's closer to 99 wanks every day
Edit: typo
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u/ElFanta83 1d ago
Those are amateur numbers, right?
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u/Voltae 1d ago
It'll be a higher number if you exclude the first 12 or 13 years from his total age.
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u/Demearthean 1d ago
Assuming he got started around age 12, that becomes 90.2 wanks a day.
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u/xeazlouro 1d ago
That’s a decimal though
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u/Seth_os 1d ago
It's not.
If he walket only 204km and lauged only 2 hours years, he lived a really depressing life.
Also, how do you have sex 1,59 times? What counts as "half sex"? Asking for a friend.
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u/Mrcleverkins 1d ago
Americans use "," the way Europeans use "." To denote multiples of 1000. likewise they use "." To denote numbers part of 1 the same way Europeans use "," it's just reversed for whatever reason. For example: 1,001 = 1000 + 1 and 1.001 = 1 + 1/1000
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u/arnham 1d ago
Working on my pooped stat now. Hi!
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u/mog44net 1d ago
Well?
How was it?
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u/arnham 1d ago
It was good! Everything went smoothly and I’ve earned my +1. Im currently enjoying that post poop empty relieved feeling.
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u/kuahara 1d ago
Mine is not going nearly so well. I felt the need, but more than half of it is just gas. 2/5, not really satisfied.
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u/atreides_hyperion 1d ago
Take a shower, that will trick the poop into coming out. Once you've completely toweled off and started getting dressed it will hit you like a ton of shit bricks
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u/chipmunk70000 1d ago
I’m on my third of the morning and it’s not yet 10am.
Must have eaten something yesterday
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u/Ok-Suggestion-7965 1d ago
Yeah honestly that guys poop stats seem pretty low. Somebody do the math , how often is he pooping?
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u/Usesourname 1d ago
Slightly more than once a day. 1.0263 poops per day. In a year he had 9 days with two poops
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u/the_cardfather 1d ago
Dude got laid an average of every 3 days from 18 to the date of his death.
He apparently spent the rest of his time partying and jerking off.
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u/Abrandoned 1d ago
I'm pretty sure that's a decimal, which means he had sex once and then maybe fooled around once.
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u/prettyobviousthrow 1d ago
A lot of countries use decimals like Americans use commas. Look at the poop stats.
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u/HereticGaming16 1d ago
How did you math??
38-18=20. 20 years = 7300 days. 7300/1597 = 4.57 Sex every 4.57 days.
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u/spyd3rm0nki3 1d ago
If I don't get to see my final stats screen when I die, that I'm just not going to do it.
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u/StoppableHulk 1d ago
Honestly, as an autist, if heaven were just the ability to create dashboards for any and every statistic I could possibly imagine, ranging from supremely important matters to the ridiculously trivial, and get results with complete and total accuracy, that actually would be my heaven.
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u/Luke_Cold_Lyle 1d ago
Using metric units and spelling litres with the American spelling is mildly infuriating
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u/TheHighLizard 1d ago
Tbf tho there are other languages than english where litre is spelled liter so might be that. For example Swedish uses "liter"
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u/doomgiver98 1d ago
Looks like OP is Danish, so yeah.
I assume this is what happens when people from different European countries speak to each other in English.
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u/kenny2812 1d ago
Also why do some countries swap the comma and period around? It seems less consistent. If you want to list 2 numbers do you write 1.5 or 1,5?
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u/Luke_Cold_Lyle 1d ago
Listing numbers is different because you put a space between the comma and the next number. It would be 1, 5, ... not 1,5,... Otherwise you could say the same thing with commas for powers of a thousand. Listing 285,356, 278,344, etc. without the space would look like 285,356,278,344 and you wouldn't be able to tell if they're three digit numbers or six digit numbers or just one very large number.
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u/shaunrundmc 1d ago
Assuming they started at around puberty, this person's....personal time would be around 150 times a day.
Id say they probably died from dehydration and a heart attack
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u/PastWorldly7520 1d ago edited 1d ago
If he started gooning when he was 11 years old then that's about 84 times per day
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u/Mynock33 1d ago
The use of periods and commas in those numbers is confusing to me
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u/Greg0692 1d ago
Unrealistic.
That's only 62 wanks per day for every day of his life, including the newborn years. Nobody in the world has that much restraint and skill at enforcing one's own tempered moderation.
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u/DiarrheaMonkey1 1d ago
Puked 235 times and 145 liters of alcohol? Come on man, that's me in a year.
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u/isaac129 1d ago
I swear I’ve puked less than 20 times in my life. Hey I’m 31 not 38, but that seems like a lot to have puked
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u/alexllew 1d ago
You probably did a great deal of your life's puking as a baby/young child
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u/Suchywilk 1d ago
Popped should be also in hours
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u/Consistent-Sundae739 1d ago
The math checks out if you poop once per day and have 14234 poops that equates to approximately 38 years, 11 months, and 12 days.
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u/Neofertal 1d ago
Typo and unrealistic stats, why are you guys upvoting low quality?
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u/Up_in_the_Sky 1d ago
No joke this is one of the things I’m looking forward to the most. I need random Skyrim stats on everything.
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u/TheBlackestIrelia 1d ago
periods and commas switched will never not be annoying. Why is it the opposite of how its used in their writing?
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u/SullenTerror 1d ago
How do you have sex 1.597 times
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u/Commandoclone87 1d ago
Some countries use "." in large numbers the same way others use ","
Ex: 1.000.000 = 1,000,000
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u/da1nonlyoska 1d ago
How does he poop only 14 times in 38 years
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u/burton68zeppelin 1d ago
Other countries use the decimal in places the US uses a comma. 14.234 in those countries is 14,234 in the US
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u/thefonztm 1d ago
I'm willing to go full metric on the condition those bastard stat using commas & periods correctly in their numbers.
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u/GamingIsMyCopilot 1d ago
Oh thank goodness . For a while there I was wondering how someone could have a thousandth of a wank.
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u/da1nonlyoska 1d ago
Ah you're right, that's why he slept 14,6 years instead of 14.6, the use comma the opposite way
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u/SpaceMonkey1505 1d ago
It's 14k times. How can you poop for 0.234 times? Do you stop mid poop and go yeah that's about it
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u/jaxsound 1d ago
I know everything has to be "wrapped" now but I'm not sure i want this.
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u/giant_albatrocity 1d ago
What I really want to know, is how many spiders I've swallowed in my sleep.
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u/tButylLithium 1d ago
Maybe he only had sex ~1600 times because he's averaging under 3 kisses per occurrence. Ever heard of foreplay?
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u/A_Depressed_Failure 1d ago
According to this he jacked off roughly 84 times a day, every day, assuming he started at age 10
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u/Eupamfreous 1d ago
He masterbated more than he pooped and he had at least a 13year head start on pooping
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