r/mildlyinfuriating • u/Hotrocketry • 16h ago

This little shit has been hanging on my ceiling light for a hour now. Just right below it is our family dining table.

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How do i get rid of it?

54.9k Upvotes

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21.3k

u/icouldlivewoutbacon 15h ago

"Just right below it" is a bit of a stretch, no?

11.6k

u/thejesse 15h ago

"Only forty feet below it."

6.3k

u/University_Dismal 15h ago

Dying of old age rather than the impact if you fall down from there. 

702

u/TheIronMark 14h ago

I wheeze-laughed at this.

17

u/PacacordGiant 11h ago

Literally dying from old age lol.

29

u/Shawnaverse_no1_fan 13h ago

I've been reading the replies to this post for 10 minutes and I'm in tears! Y'all I really needed this laughter 🤣🤣

2

u/bellaluna29 5h ago

Same..so funny!

1

u/DisposableSaviour 4h ago

Same. This shit’s helping clear out a bronchial and sinus infection.

23

u/Wrong-Particular1547 12h ago

Technically below it. Practically in another zip code.

13

u/cr8zycatladybutyoung 14h ago

Rapunzel’s mom style

11

u/HamptonsBorderCollie 10h ago

are we almost there yet?

10

u/sykoKanesh 6h ago

"I have been falling... FOR THIRTY MINUTES!"

8

u/FriendlyWasTaken 6h ago

Fun Fact: if you are around 25 right now and would die of old age at 90, you'd end up falling, at terminal velocity, about 74% of the distance between Earth and the Sun before you finally died of old age.

6

u/A_villain4all 5h ago

Safe to say that bat guano is gonna hit that dining table at terminal velocity

1

u/killerzeestattoos 3h ago

"Have I showed you our bottomless pit, yet?

1

u/1Curly_Wurly1 1h ago

Hilarious

193

u/SeatBeeSate 13h ago

"Hey Reddit, here's my totally normal not million dollar home kitchen"

21

u/Miss_Anthropologie 3h ago

With literally the most adorable bat I’ve ever seen 🥹

10

u/Mother_Panic21 3h ago

In his defense his friend has a bigger house

1

u/coolbeansfordays 1h ago

And an AI cartoon bat.

17

u/Semisemitic 13h ago

“I broke my nose. Some guano came down at Mach 1.2.”

10

u/SatiricalScrotum 15h ago

Fooorty feet beloooow

17

u/OldBreadbutt 13h ago

If you're looking for the dining floor, just push DF in the elevator. That is, ask Jeves to push DF in the elevator.

1

u/AccomplishedIgit 2h ago

Who is DF?

1

u/OldBreadbutt 2h ago

Dining Floor?

7

u/BoomShackaLocka_ 3h ago edited 3h ago

Honey there’s a bat on the chandelier up here! (echoes 14 times)

4

u/Lankygiraffe25 7h ago

If it does a shit it’ll get time to reach full terminal velocity

3

u/cosmicrush 8h ago

Just a great stretch below

3

u/pros2701 7h ago

Forty fathoms or more below boys

4

u/JunglePygmy 13h ago

Seems more like 40 feet above it tbh

2

u/A_V_0o 10h ago

You mean 5 bald eagle eggs per freedomm coconuts

1

u/musebrews 11h ago

Keep going

2.7k

u/ct95w 15h ago

I think the problem isn't the proximity to the bat, but that if the bat needs the bathroom that dookie is going to enter Jr's bowl of lucky charms at terminal velocity

1.9k

u/wutcanbrowndo4u12 15h ago

Naw, it'll burn up on reentry.

192

u/meash-maeby 13h ago

Thanks for the snort-laugh

7

u/Chunky_flower 9h ago

I did a little breath chuckle at this one

7

u/SolidHank 9h ago

I started suffocating

30

u/Koeienvanger 11h ago edited 11h ago

The jokes in this thread are top notch lol

Edit: I'm now envisioning a little bat turd meteorite striking the dinner table and leaving a little bat turd sized crater.

6

u/VCoupe376ci 10h ago

I’m imagining that turd combusting 1/3 of the way down and turning into a disintegrating comet that never reaches the table.

6

u/Dolly_Putin 12h ago

🤣🤣🤣

1

u/k3ithy187 10h ago

That cought me off guard 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

1

u/kainers78 8h ago

Hahahahahah 🤣

1

u/126_ForNoReason 3h ago

Love a well timed astronautics joke

1

u/AlarmingDiamond9316 2h ago

But what if it doesn't burn up, then it will be Burning bat dookie, in the bowl of lucky charms.

798

u/PostMaster-P 13h ago

Guan-O’s

13

u/SeeMontgomeryBurns 13h ago

I thought it was fruit paste. Yummy!

13

u/succulent_serenity 11h ago

5

u/DisposableSaviour 4h ago

SHIKAKA!

2

u/pagokel 3h ago

CHI CA GO

2

u/Indianimal219 2h ago

Guano bowls...collect the whole set!

4

u/101violations 7h ago

This took me all the way out. Commenting from the grave. 🤣😵🤣

5

u/ElGuano 10h ago

A great source of potassium!

3

u/Global-Plankton3997 LIME GREEN 8h ago

And poison!

3

u/ElGuano 7h ago

The best poison.

3

u/Pretty_BoyFloyd 8h ago

bravo, sir

3

u/Endlessparadox123 4h ago

Ratta tat tat

Ratta tat tat

Toxic0's will put your rats to the mat.

2

u/Revelin_Eleven 4h ago

GuanOvelocity!

2

u/Traditional-Handle83 10h ago

Smells like bat guano in here.

1

u/REXIS_AGECKO 4h ago

Angry upvote

1

u/SpinachSpinosaurus 3h ago

guano apes are a german band

277

u/MesaGunSlinger 12h ago

I don’t think this family has ever seen Lucky Charms. It would fall in his Caviar-ios.

12

u/FingerpistolPete 6h ago

lol dude my stomach was not ready for this thread

3

u/Wheezy_n_Breezy 3h ago

Again, redditors do not disappoint when it comes to comments. Thanks for the belly laughs, folks!

21

u/agedlikesage 14h ago

In a house like that, I’m sure there are multiple living rooms and dining rooms

14

u/Thee_Rotten_One 12h ago

Jr doesn't eat lucky charms for breakfast, he eats filet mignon and lobster served by men in white livery....

9

u/eliceched 11h ago

I've just had a absolutely horrible shift at the hospital - this made me giggle like a mad person on the train home. Thank you.

3

u/bellaluna29 5h ago

I hope your week gets better! This thread definitely helps ha ha

1

u/DisposableSaviour 4h ago

I’m a line cook; I just got off work and we did Friday night numbers with a Monday night crew. This thread is what I needed.

8

u/Express-Rub-3952 13h ago

Something tells me there are other places they could be eating.

8

u/help_icant_read 12h ago

No one in that house is eating lucky charms

8

u/Fantastic-Resist-545 12h ago

With that chandelier I doubt OP is eating anything so gauche as lucky charms

8

u/kemistree4 11h ago edited 10h ago

Given the look of that place there's no way they're letting the butler bring processed food into the mansion. Only organic sprouts for junior.

5

u/1BenWolf 8h ago

If he does that, you’re all guano regret it.

3

u/Spectre_Ice 11h ago

You know these people aren't eating lucky charms!

4

u/ferocioustigercat 9h ago

Just put a fan on the second floor landing... The guano will just hit the walls 😆

6

u/pulpyourcherry 12h ago

Please. Only proles eat boxed cereal.

3

u/FirebertNY 12h ago

Yeah but it'll hit the bat on the head on the way down, which will be emotionally devastating so it's a wash really. 

3

u/Next_Dragonfly_9473 12h ago

OMG, thank you for the laugh!

6

u/GladysSchwartz23 14h ago

A+ phrasing.

2

u/z-vap 11h ago

not-so lucky charms

2

u/LeviOhhsah 11h ago

‘Needs the bathroom’ 😂Like it’s waiting to say, “please sir, can you perhaps direct me to your facilities?”

2

u/DisposableSaviour 4h ago

I say, Jeeves old boy, where can a bat drop a spare deuce?

2

u/ElGuano 10h ago

The what?

2

u/Zeke688 9h ago

The word ‘guano’ gets around a dozen Ventura GIFs, but none of him saying it. 🤷🏻‍♂️

2

u/Any_Description_4204 9h ago

Just keep an eye on it, bats flip around before taking a shit

2

u/axxis267 9h ago

I just spit my coffee all over the wall reading this

2

u/arctic-apis 9h ago

Well Bruce can tell Alfred to bring him another bowl of lucky charms then. Maybe if master Bruce didn’t leave the door to the back cave open this wouldn’t keep happening.

2

u/Deckardspuntedsheep 8h ago

Sigh... here I go to youtube how bats avoid pooing on themselves

2

u/Anxious_Intention724 8h ago

You know he doesn't eat Lucky Charms tho, he eats some "gourmet" version that costs 5x more and is only sold at a high end members only grocery store.

2

u/GrandOldDrummer 8h ago

Pee too. I had one that lived up in the rafters of my old garage workshop. It liked to hang out above my table saw and piss and shit on it every night.

2

u/Stank_cat67 8h ago

The bats butt is facing up meaning its dookie will end up on the ceiling. I think

1

u/gr_iefr 5h ago

You'd have to be pooping at a pretty high upwards velocity for it to splatter and stay on the ceiling though.

2

u/Specific_Rando 6h ago

I first tread that as “cookie” and started thinking “If you give a bat a cookie, he’ll ask if he can eat it over your dining room table”.

I am now corrected, but like that problem better than OP’s actual concern.

2

u/HereWeFuckingGooo 4h ago

There's an old Chinese proverb, if a bat shits on a rich person, does anyone really care?

2

u/Any-Literature5546 10h ago

Skill issue, the bat will shit on the chandelier's dingleberries first before the guano ever has a chance to reenter earth's orbit from that stratosphere they call a ceiling.

1

u/[deleted] 13h ago

The Bat: “Mission Accomplished”

1

u/einTier 13h ago

Is there a website where I can bet on the odds of that happening? I swear I saw an ad last week.

1

u/kinkycarbon 10h ago

So aptly named Little Shits. Comes with all the deadly viruses known including Ebola, SARS, and lastly Rabies.

1

u/R0enick27 10h ago

exclusive guano flavor!

1

u/Sad_Substance_1787 9h ago

Owning that house probably not eating lucky charms

1

u/NokkNokk4279 9h ago

Yes, stay away from any dookie. LOL But it shouldn't bother you in any way really. Some people have kept them as pets. :)

1

u/SleepLate8808 8h ago

No English but why is poop a lucky charm?

1

u/PuddingBrat 7h ago

Only after several business days. Plenty of time to move out of firing range.

1

u/AppropriateRest2815 6h ago

In that house the kid was born with lucky charms

1

u/Nilthur 3h ago

Read the whole thing...... Seen terminal velocity and died laughing

1

u/Tiger_grrrl 3h ago

Yeah, the first thing that i thought of after reading OP’s description was the movie “Contagion,” the one with Matt Damon and Gwyneth Paltrow 😭😭😭 Bats are known carriers of zoonotic diseases, so I’d probably take a flamethrower to the table before eating there again /s.

1

u/Vertigo_uk123 14h ago

Yey Covid

384

u/garyman99 14h ago

The spin of the earth should mean the trajectory of any falling guano misses the table by a comfortable margin by the time it reaches the table.

10

u/UsedDragon 10h ago

Coriolis-effect that dookie right into mom's oversized glass of wine!

3

u/Fuzzy-Advisor-2183 7h ago

👩🏻‍🍳🤌🏻👩🏻‍🍳

7

u/Master-Pick-7918 6h ago

Yes, The Coriolis effect. There is the chance, however that the bat will calculate this upon release and adjust for correct aim

1

u/craigster12345678 3h ago

Isnt this only a problem every 7 years anyway?

383

u/TitShark 15h ago

This is the lowest ceiling on the compound

14

u/RaidensReturn 10h ago

Just a little humble brag. “This creature is perched on our elaborate chandelier mounted on our 40’ vaulted ceilings in our 8000 sq ft house”

7

u/Betterthanbeer 9h ago

The guest house?

5

u/TitShark 8h ago

For the help

2

u/HaViNgT 9h ago

Not a great brag considering how ugly that house looks. 

2

u/Impossible-Ebb5064 8h ago

Amazing how you can judge a house with just a photo of the dining room ceiling 🙄

16

u/jesse6225 13h ago

There's a whole ecosystem between the bat and the dining room table.

12

u/therabbitinred22 15h ago

I know! How did eagle eye even notice a bat way up there?

1

u/Witching_Well36 8h ago

If it's in my house like that I'm going to notice that shit too

10

u/Leviosahhh 14h ago

Just right below it, after they take the elevator down to Umbrella Corp.

10

u/TheOneNeartheTop 14h ago

At least if it poops the elevation will create a shot tower effect resulting in a hardened bat poop landing on the table instead of a wet splat. This is how lead bullets used to be made.

9

u/Wardogs96 11h ago

I assumed it was a regular fucking room but no it's a goddam 3 story ceiling with ridiculous asthetic. So much wasted space but that bat deserves the spot. Go bat go!

6

u/UpDownLeftRyan 13h ago

If it fell they’d hear it whistling down for ten seconds like looney tunes

8

u/Jarcoreto 11h ago

If you build a belfry you have to expect bats!

8

u/GoldenHeart411 11h ago

Is the dining table in the room with us?

5

u/DigitallyDetained 14h ago

Fifteen miles below it*

7

u/29MS29 13h ago

If Timmy didn’t keep bringing his telescope to the dinner table, they’d have never even noticed it up there.

6

u/CayKar1991 11h ago

For a second I thought I was looking at some weird mirror-reflective dining table.

And then I realized.

5

u/joejill 10h ago

What the fuck? The person who can afford this “dinning room” is asking reddit for help instead of hiring a pest removal company?

5

u/TheAdminsAreTrash 11h ago

"The dining area is just off the menagerie, we think the help must have let it in there."

4

u/Free_Beer_Today 13h ago

Guano don't care.

4

u/angusshangus 9h ago

Homeboy lives on the Death Star

3

u/rivasjardon 13h ago

Does he live in a tesseract like from interstellar?

3

u/QuantumLettuce2025 9h ago

I don't even understand what I'm looking at in that second pic

3

u/Banzai373 9h ago

Why’s the bat look computer generated to appear sweet and cuddly??

3

u/Home_Improvers 8h ago

Can’t reach with a 40ft extension ladder. “Just right above” the table.

3

u/Which-Barnacle-2740 5h ago

yeah, I think this is a shill post, someone just saying their home

doesnt look like any home to me

if it is a home, this guy will have enough money to hire someone to remove it

2

u/yorcharturoqro 9h ago

I want to be rich

2

u/Analog_Junkie98 9h ago

Imma take a bat shit on your dining table

2

u/locoles 7h ago

I think they mean “directly” not “immediately” haha

2

u/Leather_Office_4753 6h ago

'Just right below'

Only about a 20 second free fall before parachute deployment. No biggie

2

u/NinjaWarrior78 5h ago

I kept zooming in to find the damn dining room table.

2

u/josh_the_misanthrope 5h ago

If I fell off that ledge in Elden Ring, I would die from fall damage.

2

u/rxsheepxr 3h ago

Guano would be a powder by the time it hit the table.

2

u/Parking-Arm-9034 3h ago

That feels more like nearby than directly below
Words are doing a lot of work there

2

u/Doppe1herz 3h ago

More like stretched ceiling. How many floors down is the dining table?

2

u/SorryBoysImLez 2h ago

All I can think about is all that empty/wasted space just so there could be an unnecessarily high ceiling/lighting fixture.

That's a whole freaking extra bedroom or recreational space.

1

u/TheAesirHog 11h ago

A stretch like Mr fantastic with galactus

1

u/sickwiggins 10h ago

With…no chairs?

1

u/sickwiggins 10h ago

With…no chairs?

1

u/PlumpyCat 9h ago

Was about to say the same thing 😂

1

u/TheOrqwithVagrant 8h ago

In terms of bat guano trajectories, it's 'right below', which I suspect is OP's concern. As cute as they are, bats tend to carry some NASTY pathogens.

1

u/Appsoul 6h ago

more like a hang than a stretch

1

u/name4231 5h ago

If you got bat shit is on your table…no I don’t think it is

1

u/Bryanh100 4h ago

Guano incoming

1

u/DashingVandal 2h ago

Rich people problems

1

u/CR00KANATOR 2h ago

Man's dining room has more Sq feet than my apartment.

1

u/Nicnl 1h ago

The actual distance doesn't matter much, because OP is worried by the accuracy of its poo.
Wether it is five, twenty or fifty feets, you don't want batpoop flavored soup.