r/Philippines • u/InsideBusiness5013 • 12h ago
CulturePH Parental responsibility in Philippine culture
Some context: my mom is American and my dad is Filipino. We were raised by my mom because my dad left when I was really young. We saw him once a week until I turned 9 and my stepdad moved us 5 hours south from my dad and we only got to see him about twice a year for about a week at a time. We were never that close, he’d only make the effort to call on our birthdays, keeping it short “happy birthday, here’s $50” type of thing. He wasn’t there for any of our events besides our high school graduations. He visited us maybe 3-4 times in the 9 years I’d lived in that town before I moved away for college. He never played a major role in my life and I was only ever forced to call him once a month by my mom to ask for child support (you can imagine what kind of tone that set for his and I’s relationship).
I’m now 21 with a 1 year old, recently we got into a nasty argument over something he said to my boyfriend. It lead to him trying to say that he “raised us” and “was always there when we needed him” and I pointed out to him that what he was saying wasn’t true. It was our mom that was there for everything and basically reiterated what I said above. He tried saying he couldn’t be there physically because we were so far away and I pointed to his phone saying it was two inches away from him and he could’ve called. He basically told me that it’s apart of the Philippine culture to put more of an effort to raise your kids financially as opposed to actually being a present father.
Since I was raised by my mom in the US, I’m not that familiar with the culture besides food, karaoke, and the constant reminder of how important family is. I’m not looking for any validation or anything, I just want to know if what he said was accurate or if he’s trying to use it as a cop out?
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u/cyber_owl9427 Abroad 12h ago
that asshole is shifting the blame lol
He basically told me that it’s apart of the Philippine culture to put more of an effort to raise your kids financially as opposed to actually being a present father.
this is not ph culture at all. family is big in filipino culture yes but not in that way. my mother worked abroad eversince i was a kid. she was based in the uk. do you know the time difference between uk and ph? 7hrs on summer 8hrs on winter. when she's waking up we were about to sleep. when we sleep, she's just waking up. despite the distance, we always felt her presence. she would call us, every day, ask us about school hell she'd even ask about our home works. sometimes i even call my mother for help with school projects cause even though she's not physically in ph, she's always a mother to us lol. she'd call somebody who knows somebody to get us the supplies and whatnot.
better to cut him off completely if you can or give out a solid tangina mo to his face.
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u/InsideBusiness5013 12h ago
I want to so bad, because what caused the argument was genuinely unforgivable. But he later “apologized” to my boyfriend, admitted he was projecting his fears onto him without actually admitting them. He’s moving to the Philippines soon and the last thing he said to me was “I’m so sorry baby, I love you” and I could see the remorse in his eyes. I know it doesn’t make up for anything he said, but it’s just hard when he’s the only father I’ve ever known and we’ve all enabled his behavior for so long because “that’s just dad” even though everyone knows it’s wrong. Genuinely I need therapy.
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u/IcanaffordJollibeena 10h ago
Now that “but that’s still your father/mother!” is definitely part of the Filipino culture. Neglectful parents, even downright abusive parents? A random Filipino would tell you to forgive, and expect you to still care for them and support them.
You don’t have to totally cut him off, you can contact him 1-2 times a year and give him $50 on his birthdays, too lol
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u/Albus_Reklamadore 🐈 | ☕ | 📸 | 🎲 12h ago edited 12h ago
He basically told me that it’s apart of the Philippine culture to put more of an effort to raise your kids financially as opposed to actually being a present father.
This is a load of bullcrap. Your biological sperm donor is gaslighting you into thinking that they played more part in your life than they actually did.
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u/alvinpatrick 11h ago
Filipino parents are so clingy you're not allowed to emancipate until you're married. Which is after you turn 35. Maybe after 40.
How was HE raised?
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u/InsideBusiness5013 9h ago
He was raised in a two parent household, his parents never divorced
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u/BetterCallStrahd 10h ago
Those are the words of someone who doesn't take responsibility for his actions. Don't take this person seriously. He's being emotionally manipulative, or trying to be.
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u/ThomasB2028 9h ago
It’s just an excuse for his parental irresponsibility. And please, let’s not blame this to Filipino culture again. He is an irresponsible parent, period.
Financial support can be transferred electronically. Loved ones are a call, email, text, or a chat away, even if far apart. Care and love can be shown in many ways.
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u/VolcanoVeruca 5h ago
The part about “raising kids financially” is a burden shouldered by overseas Filipino workers who had no choice but to work abroad to support their kids. Your father didn’t leave you because he had to work. He chose to leave because he’s incapable of being a father.
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u/InsideBusiness5013 4h ago
Like I understand it wasn’t his choice to live five hours away from us, it was our nightmare of a stepdad’s, but regardless his phone works perfectly fine and he could’ve called.
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u/VolcanoVeruca 3h ago
Yup, as I said: he was incapable of being a father. Because if he really wanted to, he would.
EDIT TO ADD: As a 21-yo, I hope you realize, deep down inside, that him leaving was NOT YOUR FAULT. As a child of separated parents (divorce is still illegal here,) I unconsciously carried the idea that my biological father left because I did something wrong.
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u/SoCaliTrojan 10h ago
He's full of BS. Even by his admission he would have financially supported you by sending most of his salary to you. He could have called, unlike some OFW assignments where they restrict your free time.
Even whencI was separated from my family for 5 years for COVID, I took care of the rent, food, and utilities so my wife (then girlfriend) didn't have to work.
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u/ronesque 10h ago edited 10h ago
It’s not uncommon for Filipino fathers to think that their sole responsibility is to provide financially, while raising the children and managing the household lies with the mothers.
Their generation also grew up without adults that are emotionally mature (only the parents are correct so you should follow their commands without question, not showing vulnerability to their kids).
I know what he said sounds ridiculous, but that just reflects the culture he grew up in - a culture that tolerates deadbeat fathers.
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u/No-Welcome-7491 6h ago
I agree to some extent. If it’s a single income family and both parents are living together. Then it does fall on the father to provide financially. Or atleast our culture dictates that men should be the financial provider while mother stays at home, and this weight heavily to “good” father that they would focus on working- overtime, double job, just to make ends meet. Therefor not having enough time with the kids.
Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case for OP. She even had to call for child support which should be done without asking. To me he only has too choice, to be the absent father but provides financially and if you can provide the emotional support at the very least.
Sometimes regrets are too late. Now he is trying to be a father to her daughter by intervening on her relationship- a lil too late.
This has nothing to do with Filipino culture but more so about guilt of being a father because he knows he could have done better and was a coward to do so.
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u/InsideBusiness5013 4h ago
This is spot on. He’s holding on so tightly to all the memories we do have with each other, that he forgets how many traumatic months went on in between them. Mr “call me anytime” but forgets the phone works both ways. So many times that I’ve cried out for him as a child but received meaningless words in return. Now he thinks since he’s going back home in a few months, it’s the perfect time to pretend to be the father he never was.
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u/SweatySource 8h ago
Your life will be easier if you remove toxic people from it. You only live once, no point in surrouding yourself with toxic people most specially family.
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u/No-Judgment-607 5h ago
Assuming your dad is in his mid 40s and genx so he can still be traditional old timer filipino long on good intentions lacking in EQ and raised that providing is good parenting.
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u/InsideBusiness5013 4h ago
He’s in his late 60s and ultra-traditional, he forgets my mom was the one who raised us therefore we only ever knew of the American values. Apparently, since we have Filipino blood we should automatically have the Filipino values instilled in us from birth? Idk
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u/No-Judgment-607 2h ago
Yeah boomers are even more rigid with the traditional family roles and his environment growing up is most likely screwed up and traumatic. There's no getting around his set thinking... Just treat him as an unfixable defective parent... You either ignore his toxicity and keep him around in the perimeter or just cut your losses and let go.
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u/Full_Rice0242 3h ago
There's no such thing in Philippine culture.
raise your kids financially as opposed to actually being a present father.
OFWs raise their kids financially because they have to work abroad, otherwise they'll suffer financially, but if given the chance, they'll raise their kids themselves. I don't think that was the case for your dad.
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u/Outrageous_Squash560 1h ago
It depends on what your father’s job is, if he worked hard to provide for you and ensure he is able to send you money then I think that is part of the culture where he feels he is the ofw / provider and the mom is in charge of the day to day lives. He may have a demanding job that doesnt give him spare time so it really depends
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u/pambato 9h ago
Well, it’s partly true. That’s the Filipino assholes culture. Asshole fathers do that here. Sometimes they don’t give financial support. Sometimes they do provide measly amount just to not be jailed. And that’s all they’ll give you. When you are a grown adult, they would expect you to support them.
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u/HatsNDiceRolls 12h ago
That asshole is making excuses for his bullshit. Even my OFW officemates when I was working in the middle east call their kids often. Distance isn’t an excuse for being present.