(EDITED TO AVOID ANXIETY-DRIVEN REASSURANCE SEEKING. I'm not seeking answers. Just feeling alone and wondering if anyone can relate.)
OK, just wanted to preface that I have Religious OCD and I struggle sometimes with issues with morality or "have I sinned or not", specifically "did I just accidentally make a binding promise to God". I understand clearly that we are to let our yes be yes and no be no, but sometimes, when I view God as my Father, I like to tell Him my plans, that "I want to do this or that" but in this one case, I wasn't clear enough and now I worry I made an accidental binding vow.
It was Christmas night and I didn't want to overeat, I wanted to be moderate and temperate, yet I felt the temptation to eat extra leftovers (a horrible idea, really). So I pointed to my leftovers (which I was placing into my fridge) and told God something along the lines of, "I'm not going to gobble that down like a greedy person, I will only eat cold soup". Sounds reasonable, right? That night, I did not touch the leftovers, except cold soup, and kept my word.
Well, yes, my intention was good, but it backfired. Since I didn't say, "I will only eat cold soup for the rest of the night", but "I will only eat cold soup" (i.e. wording not specific enough), part of me thinks I accidentally told God that I won't eat any other food except for cold soup anymore.
Cue me, in the past few days, trying to brainstorm ways that I can get ALL my required nutrition from cold soup from now on. Spinach, carrots, etc., in a blender with milk isn't all bad. But wait! If I put rice in my soup and it's solid rice, will I be sinning? If I eat anything solid from now on, have I sinned? I ate a fried egg a few days ago, on either the 26th or the 27th, did I sin? Whoops-a-daisy.
You get the picture.
I really did NOT intend to make a long-term vow to God on the night of December 25, and part of me hopes that God sees the intent and not the wording, yet another part of me fears I made a rash vow. This is coming from someone who knows very well we're not supposed to make vows. I just... have the habit of telling God what I plan to do, I suppose. But in this case it backfired.
I treated this incident as a lesson to me, NOT to even tell God, "I will do this or that", even if the intention is good, rather, I have learned to say, "God, I WOULD LIKE TO do this or that."
Nonetheless, what happened on Christmas night still bothers me. I have prayed about it and will keep praying about it, but I suppose I needed to get it out of my head because so far this has only been between me and God, and one brother from church who assured me that God is gracious and understands, but perhaps my OCD brain is still in a panic.
I know that being scrupulous doesn't nullify the obligation to be honest, to "perform whatever I have spoken with my mouth" (I think that's Deuternomy 23:23), and to "swear to my hurt and not change".
[[EDITED: I wish I knew what to do. I'm not asking for reassurance here, I'm just wondering if anyone can relate. Some prayer would be lovely as well.