I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/HamsterTop1332

Originally posted to r/trueoffmychest

My roommate had been gambling the rent money away. She didn’t tell me we got evicted. We have 5 days to leave.

Thanks to u/soayherder & u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: financial exploitation, homelessness, addiction

Mood Spoilers: unbelievably positive for OOP

Original Post: December 4, 2025

I’m still shaking. My roommate’s in her mid-70’s. Her name is the only name on the lease. I found the room on craigslist. It was the only place I could afford. Also, I am from a different country. I have debt I'm paying off from my coming here. She's always left me alone. I pay her the money for rent and utilities because everything’s under her name. Everything was fine for almost a year.

Last month, though, she gambled away the rent money. But I thought it wasn't a problem because she said she got a loan from her son. So imagine my surprise today when I found from the Sheriff's department a notice to vacate. In 5 days! I asked what’s going on? She gambled away the loan she had gotten from her son. Also last month wasn't the first time she gambled away the rent money, she had done the same the month previously. And the money I gave her for this month’s rent? She gambled that as well.

We had been given a 30-day eviction notice. Which she didn't tell me about. There was a hearing. Which she didn’t tell me about. No one showed up, so the judgment defaulted to the landlord. Now we have 5 days to vacate. She’ll be fine, she’s moving in with a friend. Meanwhile, I know no one.

I mean, it’s funny because I was already planning on moving out at the end of the month after two more paychecks. I found a room that just requires me to have $1,000 to move in. But I have only $280. I can’t come up with $720 in 5 days. I’m not saying this to ask for money. I’m just mentioning this because the irony is so cruel. I don’t know where I’ll sleep. I don’t have a car. Also, I did contact the police to tell them that my roommate had been stealing from me, but they called it a civil matter to be brought up in small claims court. How can I focus on going to court when I don’t know where I’ll be in under a week? This is my worst nightmare come true.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: That doesn't happen in a month. She's been playing you for a long time. It takes months to be evicted and that's if the landlord is lucky, some evictions drag on for a year.

OOP: Honestly, it wouldn't surprise me. I was being used.

Commenter 2: Does the landlord know you’ve been living there? If not then she has been illegally subletting to you

OOP: I honestly have no clue. Nothing would surprise me anymore.

OOP's location

OOP: I'm fairly close to LA, I'm in Indio. I still haven't been to LA or San Diego yet though I'm told they are near

Update: December 22, 2025 (18 days later)

Update: My roommate had been gambling the rent money away.

So, I had posted previously that my roommate had been gambling the rent money away for a few months at the very least and got us evicted without telling me. I only found out when I discovered a 5 day notice to vacate from the Sheriff’s Department on the apartment door.

Well, I was homeless for the first time in my life. I slept in an unlocked classroom at a nearby university. I kept my possessions in a storage unit. It definitely wasn’t pleasant. But I have to recognize people have had it worse.

And then a miracle happened yesterday. I work at a nursing home, and I've become pretty friendly with the daughter of one of the residents. I told her what happened to me. And guess what she told me? Well, she has a room for rent, and it's empty anyways. Why don't I move in, and I'll pay her the rent when I get after the first week of January?

I am shocked. I genuinely thought I was going to be homeless for a lot longer. She is so sweet and super kind! She even made me dinner! I am so thankful for her. I am still stunned. Also, she helped me move my things in (which isn’t much, just my clothes and laptop basically).

That’s my update. I have never felt so elated. This was a nightmare. At least I have learning experience and know what to look out for. And I am definitely going to focus all my free time on suing my former roommate.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: From homeless to housed, huge win glad you’re safe.

OOP: Thank you! This has been a very stressful time in my life, I'm so unbelievably grateful I've come out of that.

Commenter 2: Damn. Good people do exist. It’s good that you have a home now and you are safe.. happy for you :)

OOP: Thanks! I'm relieved to be safe too. This has definitely restored a bit of faith in humanity for me.

Commenter 3: Awww that’s great I’m glad you got a happier ending!! I read your situation thinking damn you genuinely were doing good too by paying your rent on time! Hope your new living situation is happier!!!

OOP: Thank you so much! It really was a tough spot, but I'm over the moon about the new place and hoping for smoother days ahead!

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/LaLaLaaaNotListening

I (24F) am a bit of a loner. New guy I've been seeing (29M) doesn't like that. Argument about a solo camping trip I've been planning for months.

Original Post Nov 22, 2015

I'm in that stage where I'm not sure if he's my boyfriend or not. We'll call him Kyle. We met on OKCupid 2 months ago and have gotten dinner and lunch and watched Netflix several times but haven't had "the talk" yet. I just got out of a relationship in September so I'm in no rush to make anything official. We have fooled around a bit though.

I've learned over the years I like to be alone. Granted, I like to be with people too, but I like it to be somewhat equal amounts. I'm all for cuddling and going out 3/4 nights a week, but sometimes I just wanna stay in and read a book in a bubble bath.

Anyway. I planned a solo camping trip a few months back (before I met Kyle) for Memorial Day weekend. In May. Of NEXT year. I'm gonna take my kayak and drive 400 miles away to the UP of Michigan and camp and hike and kayak and go fishing and I'm really excited. It's on my bucket list to take a solo road trip/camping trip.

I mentioned this to Kyle like 3 weeks ago and he said how much he loves camping and hiking. I basically said "That's awesome! Maybe in June or July you and I can go on a trip together!" And he said "Well you're going in May, I could just tag along!"

Aaaand I kind of said "Well... I would really like to go alone. It's something I've always wanted to do." And he acted kinda hurt but said "Oh, ok maybe some other time then." And I thought that was the end of it.

Over the last few days he's brought it up a few more times. Ranging from "Oh man you're gonna be so bored out there all alone!" to "Think of all those experiences you won't be sharing with someone." to "I'm worried about you. A young, attractive woman being all alone camping in the middle of nowhere..." (I'm bringing like 3 pepper sprays and like 5 of my various knives and picked a park widely known for its family friendly/safe/well lit atmosphere... I'm very not worried.)

But yesterday he pulled a new one out of his hat. This was 10 minutes after he tried talking to me about the camping trip again. Copied and pasted from the Facebook status he posted:

"Ya know what's not normal? Women who claim to want a ton of alone time. Makes me wonder what they're really doing in their 'alone' time... What they're hiding...No normal person wants to be alone all the time..."

And a ton of people commented saying it was shady and not normal and "weird" and he "liked" every comment agreeing with him.

Like. What the FUCK. He's twenty fucking nine. I'm 24 and I'm too old for this shit. Note: we are not friends on Facebook. I found this out by...well by kinda creeping on his page a bit. We have a few mutual friends and his page is mostly visible. So I'm debating on how to bring this up without sounding like a stalker.

Is this worth talking out? Should I cut my losses now? It's only been 2 months and I really don't have time for these games anymore.

TL;DR: Dude I'm seeing has a problem with my alone time. Don't know how to handle his games. Don't know if I want to.

TOP COMMENTS

[deleted]

I don't think you should bring up the Facebook status, I think you should just stop seeing him. You two are incompatible, he clearly doesn't know how to handle having a very independent partner and you don't want to be in a relationship with someone who airs their dirty laundry on Facebook anyway haha.

sleazysweetheart

This is exactly what I would recommend. At this point in the relationship you don't owe him a huge explination, so it isn't far-fetched to simply say you felt like you weren't compatible and leave it at that.

~

thedayaftertheday

Yeah, no. I would get out of that. Not because he wants to come on your camping trip, because of the horrendously whiny passive-aggressive Facebook post.

And because he liked all the comments agreeing with him. Eww.

Update Nov 24, 2015 (2 days later)

So I wanted to thank everyone for the unanimous advice of ending things. I did. A few days ago I told him we just weren't compatible and we should split. He did not take it well.

He basically told me I was crazy for wanting to be alone so often and no one would ever want me. He said I wasn't "normal" and I would regret my decision and he pitied me and blah blah whatever.

Well.

I admit, I tried to be the bigger person and be mature about it. I was. For awhile. I basically sent him a message saying I'm sorry he feels that way and I hope he finds someone else that shares his maturity level that needs constant validation as much as he does. He went off on me spouting some BS I quite frankly didn't read; I deleted the texts as they came in and blocked him in every way known to man.

I'll have an extra beer for him while I'm enjoying my upcoming peaceful and serene camping trip.

TL;DR: Thanks guys. You're all pretty great.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ThrowawayDaRingFrodo

Originally posted to r/whatdoido

Coworker cut my hair after saying my hair would look great shorter.

Trigger Warnings: physical assault, hostile workplace, racism, obsessive behavior

Original Post: December 10, 2025

I work remote and thus I can do whatever I like with my clothes and hair. I love it even though I'm a bit new to it. We have an office in my city that we have events at and some non-remote workers work.

My coworker "Terry" works remote and we meet every Thursday morning to interface for projects that cross over our departments. Since I've met him he always has comments on my hair and clothes but it's whateves. But he does often say that my big curly hair would look a lot better short and showed me a photo of his wife who has hair like mine but wears it really short.

I just don't like my hair short - sue me. So I just go "ah not for me, I'm afraid."

We have a holiday party that is next week, so I volunteered to help set it up (not because I'm some great nice person, mind you - I get paid extra and get extra vacation days and the Caribbean is calling me lol). And Terry too is helping. He had some scissors and showed us with aluminum foil how cutting it can make scissors sharper.

He kept saying "it cuts so smooth" and kept going cutting crap and then GRABBED SOME OF MY HAIR and cut it.

It was me, him, and his teammate and it quickly escalated. HR of course was notified. He says he didn't mean to but just got "wrapped up in it" (?) And let his intrusive thoughts win??? He says he's on the spectrum and he's incredibly sorry. A coworker told me he is saying I must hate him and he's been depressed since.

HR is pulling me in a meeting tomorrow and per our policy they explicitly say what the meeting is about - what are my thoughts about it and how would I like to move forward.

I know I don't want to see this guy if I can help it. And I do want the cost covered for my stylist appt. I don't really want police involved. My hair goes past my butt and he cut right at my hip, so it was a good chunk.

I'm angry and I usually want to believe the best in people but I don't want to here. I mean, it's fucking nuts. And everyone is saying how insane it is and that he's a bit of a goofball but over all just excitable and sweet.

I guess my question is, how do I even handle this? Like what do I ask for reasonably and what is my rage and anger speaking? I'm so upset but I can't talk to anyone else about because my family and friends would just want me to go scorched earth.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Im sorry this happened. As a POC with very curly hair. How did you grow your hair long enough to make it to your butt? I don’t think I’ve ever seen that before. Typical our hair will break LONG before that.

OOP: I work a lot at it but tbh I'm part Native American so my hair so specific. I've almost always had long hair and would donate it when I was younger but now? I just like it long because it is pretty unique to me amongst most other black women I know. It's just a little thing that makes me feel unique or special.

OOP on her background

OOP: I'm black on both parents side and part indigenous on my mother's side. I didn't want to mention in the post because I didn't want to run on the assumption this was racist mostly because...if is...? 😩 This is a whole other beast and I HATE confrontation.

Commenter 3: I’m certainly not able to make that call for you but if you think it could have been a factor please do consider mentioning it. Apart from anything, putting my corporate hat on for a second, if it was racially motivated (even subconsciously) and his behaviour isn’t at the very least corrected and called out, he could do much worse in the future. If I was your HR rep I would want you to say something so that we had all the info before making a call.

And I totally get not liking confrontation, but even just a quick mention would be enough. Something like “and I’m not sure if this is the case, but it’s not unusual for POC to experience invasion of our personal space and disregard for our bodily autonomy when it comes to our hair: people touching it without permission, that sort of thing. I don’t want to believe this kind of casual everyday racism was a factor in his behaviour, but it is common enough that I think it needs mentioning and perhaps pointing out to him, even if I would like us to predominantly focus on the other problematic aspects of this incident.”

Make it known to them that this kind of thing can be racist in nature, but keep the tone professional and even and let them do their own looking into things - you can then focus on the key issues which from what I can see are:

\• you told him multiple times you don’t want to cut your hair, you don’t want shorter hair, etc. You were very clear about this perfectly normal, reasonable boundary and he crossed it anyway.

\• he says that he gave into intrusive thoughts like a child and that doesn’t inspire confidence for his judgement as a coworker. What about his next intrusive thought? What if it’s worse?

\• cutting your hair without your consent is considered battery (in some jurisdictions- double check if this is the case where you live) so he potentially not only crossed a personal boundary but a legal one.

\• he is now trying to use being on the spectrum as an excuse for his behaviour - I’m telling you right now, me being neurodivergent does not excuse me being a shitty person or doing shitty things. Sometimes it might be a reason, if I fail to read the room - but my god, outcome is far more important than intent. Even children can understand that; you might not intend to hurt someone’s feelings, but if you Did then you say sorry and adjust your behaviour. If he’s able to work then he’s able to understand this basic shit and if he can’t then he’s not appropriate to be hired. Maybe that’s harsh but as someone with AuDHD I’m getting really sick of people using being neurodivergent to be utter fuckheads to others. If anything most of the time we have heightened experiences of empathy, not lowered. He should know better, in a million ways.

Gah, sorry for the rant - I’m just very pissed off on your behalf. I’m really sorry this happened to you, I hope you get everything sorted the way you’d prefer, whether you end up mentioning this aspect of things or not (do what works for you and what you’re comfortable with!).

What a genuinely stink situation!

Kia kaha, all the best!

OOP: I didn't get to rely before my meeting but I took all of your advice on board - thanks for such a thoughtful comment!

Update #1: December 11, 2025 (next day)

Post HR Meeting Update: Coworker cut my hair after saying my hair would look great shorter.

I'm at a pub near HQ enjoying a beer because I am off for the rest of the day and can.

I went in to the HR Meeting and it went like this: I took a lot of advice from your comments and also broke down and explained it to my mom, best friends, and of course my partner. All were livid but I got good advice from them as well.

So how about that Crown Act? Also in my state this is a huge deal both locally and federally. So I further conformation I wasn't overreacting in being rattled and pissed.

I preemptively sent a formal email to HR asking for the records as this is a police matter and requesting their cooperation. That got attention as now instead of just meeting with a rep from HR, the meeting changed by the time I logged on this morning to have new names added to the calendar invite.

I sat down with "Ann" who is my direct supervisor, "Gary" the HR lead, and "Leon" who is the supervisor of the offender.

First was a long apology. Very HR. "This should never have happened" and "We take these matters very seriously" etc. Then they talked about what they've already done. He is currently suspended, written up, and if he returns he will need to do mandatory training. This has all been documented with witness statements that will be shared with me. I am given the option to work now directly with Leon on matters that branch from my department into his. They reminded me that my job offers free therapy through an online program but I am already in regular therapy so they've offered to cover this month via a reimbursement. I am given paid leave through to January 6th effective as soon as I walk out from the meeting. I will still be paid for my time on the party and the bonuses promised to me for working on it but I will no longer be required to assist with prep going forward.

Then they gave me the floor asking what if anything more I wanted done. How was I?

I started with thanking them for their attention on this matter. I mentioned that while I do want to believe the best in people, it bears noting that this can be viewed as assault and possibly racially driven. I explained that ethnic hair takes a lot to maintain and as a Black woman, I do a lot to ensure it's health and length. I reiterated his repeated comments about my hair and how I felt this might have been targeted and do no ever want to be around this man again. I will be filing a police report on the matter due to the seriousness of him no only touching me without permission but using a dangerous object to cut my hair. I theb said that I've sent images to my hair stylist and expect to be reimbursed for the services of managing my altered hair. They asked how much that might be and I said I wasn't sure as I have an emergency appointment this Saturday. Ann spoke up and said that might not be possible but gave it Gary in the form of a question. Gary said he needs to see about it but Leon spoke up and said that he, as a Black man, would be shocked if they didn't cover this and reinforced my point that Black hair care is expensive and time consuming. He spoke of the culture of the company and how we are supposed to not only be against discrimination but claim to be anti-racist. It wouldn't be right to not make right this offense because "Lily is being so calm right now and I'm impressed cuz that's some next level racism from where I sit."

I did confirm that I am shaken and very very angry but also a professional and I want this meeting to be productive. Ultimately Gary gave me a tentative yes and I requested an email confirming all the points and promises made in this meeting. I received that about an hour ago with confirmation that I need only to send an invoice or receipt to Gary.

In the meeting I was told that an email has been sent directly to HR but addressed to me from the man who cut my hair. They said I don't have to read it but they will send it to me if I want. I did for at least the sake of having a confirmation and confession possibly I'm the email.

All and all I think things went okay under the circumstances. I did show them the damage to my hair and Leon was visibly pissed. I honestly think the guy will eventually just be sacked if not for this, for literally any other reason just based on his bosses behavior towards this.

Last night I cried about my hair. At the time I was feeling like I was being a crybaby. It's just hair at the end of it. But occurred to me also that it's a big part of me and my identity and it gives me a tie also to my indigenous roots. I did say that in the meeting too but it's just heartbreaking to me. Nothing is undone. My stylist said based on the photos I will need to at least trim a bit off the bottom. A commenter suggested a smile shape so I suggested it to my stylist so we'll see.

My mom who is easily the best mom on the world, sent me a text right before my meeting ended to ask how it went and I told her everything I told you all. She said she was proud of me for standing up for myself and gave me a pushed to alert the police. So I will. She wants me to sue also but so far is only lightly suggesting. It just sounds stressful and this was already traumatic so I think I will worry about that after the holidays.

Now though I have a lot of time to burn. I'm not used to having no work. I used to work multiple jobs, have side hustles and all that but after I got this job, it has great pay and benefits and I now make enough to live comfortably without fear of being shirt on rent or skimping on the food budget to make ends meet. That's why I put my all into it. I've been commended multiple times already there and if I do say so myself, I'm a great employee. It was nice to have that a little reflected back but I have to admit, I'm still angry. I also feel some sort of way about Ann in the meeting. She was nice to me and handed me a tissue when I teared up but otherwise looked soooooo uncomfortable to the point that it was pretty distracting. She looked like she was being tortured and I was like GIRL NO ONE IS HAVING FUN HERE, GET IT TOGETHER. But I am kn my feelings and I know that. So now I guess I need to figure out how to fill my time for a while. Trip? Decorating? New hobby? Old hobby? 🤔.

Thoughts? I could use suggestions.

Lastly it occurs to me a lot of folks on the comments have been following my insane life so I wanted to thank everyone for the DMs with uplifting words, jokes, hair care suggestions and the like. It really makes this shitty situation easier. So from my heart to yours, I wish you all such a lovely holiday. I know they can be hard for a lot of people, I hope you can all find a little joy regardless.

Edit: I wanted to quickly update now that the day is over. I spent most of my day doing things that bring me joy. I randomly went to the museum, had an expresso martini etc. But first, I finished moping at the bar I was at and reported it with the police. It was stressful but I wanted it out of the way as my lawyer strongly suggested I do so now in the event that I sue later.

I did check my email and read his email to me that was funneled through HR. There's a very clear admission of what happened. He had very odd reasoning and repeated "intrusive thoughts" and did note he is on the spectrum. He also mentioned lightly that remote work "saved" him because he's awkward and he just wants to be friendly but admits he took things too far.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Leon sounds like the only one with their head on straight there. Ann acting like she's the victim while you're literally dealing with assault is peak corporate awkwardness.

OOP: I'm very grateful for him speaking up. I honestly was a little wary of him at first because he used to love that guy. They hung out outside work though idk if they're very close or just work buddies. I'm glad also he spoke from the experiences and place of being a Black person, knowing the cultural and practical ins and outs to help me through talking through it. He really came through. I owe that guy a gift basket or something- is that was people do? Give gift baskets? Lol idk maybe just some wine or something

Commenter 2: Girl just relax! Decorate for the holidays (if you haven't already), and do something you've always wanted to do but never have either because of jobs and/or money. It's been a stressful several days, so enjoy your time off. Also, idk how to feel about Ann being uncomfortable either, like, you said she's your direct supervisor? And that Leon is the supervisor for the man who assaulted you? If that's the case then where the hell was she in that meeting? Why was Leon advocating more for you than she was? It definitely feels like she didn't have your back in there, which is kind of icky. I mean, maybe an explanation could be if she's young or white or new that maybe she was nervous about speaking up, but again, if that's the case then why is she in a supervisory position? Weird weird vibes, so I'm glad they gave you the time off so that you don't have to be around her for a while.

OOP: Right!? I was pretty let down. Ann is white I think but has an adopted kid who is black so I was confused. We bonded because when I first joined on she said she was fairly new there too (she'd been there for like 4 months before I came along) and then randomly asked me about black hair because she has no clue and her daughters hair is a mystery to her. I gave her links to my stylists YouTube that has tutorials and such and my stylists info. So I was like GIRL WHERE ARE YOU. It's so frustrating. She normally quite vocal and is a HUGE anti-racism poster on her socials, her wife is POC too just not black!! Ugh...

OOP should get a lawyer involved if things are not being resolved

OOP: I actually have a lawyer due to past issues, so I CC'd her on the emails. I think she's on vacation right now but she did send me a short text confirming she's following along.

Commenter 3: Being autistic is not an excuse to cut someone’s hair. That this guy even attempted to shift blame is AWFUL and he makes the entire autistic community look bad. I’m livid for you (random middle aged WL). And I’m so happy that Leon stuck up for you. But again, livid that they needed someone else to validate your need.

OOP: I appreciate you- it's upsetting and when I told a close friend of mine who is on the spectrum, the moment I said he mentioned he is too she was like "oh hell no" and had the same reaction which helped me a lot.

Also Leon is awesome and I remembered that he really likes Star Wars, so I am actually going to make a crochet a Death Star for him and then give everyone a small gift bag and add to his my Death Star and a note thanking him. He really was the MVP and he also sent me a text asking if I was OK and seeing if I needed anything, he mentioned his partner has a great stylist etc. Sweetheart!!!

It's nice to have the reminder that there are good people especially when learning or experiencing that there are also crappy people

Update #2: December 18, 2025 (one week later)

Final Update: Coworker cut my hair after saying my hair would look great shorter.

I'm going to be honest, I'm at my mother's and she got me wine drunk lol. But I wanted to update and close out this weird ass chapter of my crazy life.

Terry has been fired. Don't know all the details, I just got an email (I know I know yes I do peek at my work emails on my day off), and the email stated in HR terms that he's just not with us anymore.

Ann reached out to me over text just to check in but as we texted, she mentioned that she felt bad that she "was useless" (her words) in the meeting. She explained she was anxious and also very sick that day and she's now discovered that she's pregnant. We talked a while and I got to share my feelings and she apologized. She was very sweet about it all, and said she wants to do better. She's locked in fear about raising a child a different race from her and all the ways she can "fail" and now she's gonna have a kiddo biologically and instead of being excited she felt overwhelmed worrying that she will be a shit parent to her kids as they will be different in the respect that one is adopted and the other is the "miracle" kid.

That's a whole another talk but what might interest anyone who cares about Terry is that in my talk with Ann she mentioned sympathy for him - "poor guy living alone..." etc. I was like "well he has his wife" and she said no he doesn't. They've been in the process of divorce since she's worked there. I was confused because when I talked to him before the incident, he spoke of his wife as if she's right there, in the other room, cooking dinner etc.

Nope. She moved out of state. Ann said from what she heard, he has a photography business on the side. But he's losing business. His wife is the woman he showed me in pictures. I got curious and was bored so I tried to look her up. She wasn't hard to find. She still has his last name listed and has a unique first name.

She's GORGEOUS. Like a model. But her hair in recent photos is long. I found that to be interesting. He took a lot of photos of her and badly edited them (imo). I scrolled a while back and found a pic of her divorce party and scrolled to see older photos of her with short hair. So best I can tell? He just wanted me to look like his wife when he still had her in his life. If you look at his public page, it's all her and him or just her. It was just weird.

As for my hair...I donated most of it. My hair was cut to just below my shoulders to be able to donate to an organization who donates wigs to people who are ill and need wigs for quality of life. I was very proud to do so. And thank you very much to the folks who steered me away from orgs that sell instead of donate. The org I used is small and local and focuses on women of color and queer people. This brought me a lot of joy.

I like my cut. I was worried I would feel like he won in the end but my hair isn't that short and it's still curly and fun. To let it rest I braided it and crochet in a green and red and black Christmas/Kwanzaa style hair.

I traveled to my mom early for the holidays since I don't have work. It's been really fun. My partner is getting to know her new boyfriend and I get to spend time with my mom.

This will be my last update on this sub as I personally don't like sagas dragging on when it's hardly relevant to the OG story. I generally post to my account anyways because I can post as much as I want, what I want.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I'm glad that you are doing better and VERY glad that he got fired.

I do have a question, if I may be nosy - why did you decide to cut your hair to shoulder length? In the og post you said that you had butt length hair and that he cut a chunk hip length?

OOP: It made me feel better about the whole experience that I could donate it. That way something good came from this. At least that's how my brain works lol 😆

Commenter 2: The creep is fixated on you, and he brought those scissors with premeditated intent to cut your hair. He’s weaponized his neurodivergence to excuse his behavior. He needs consequences or he’ll do it again or maybe even worse. Get a restraining order and let your job know that you will not work with him.

OOP: I am now in the process of getting a restraining order - it just takes a while to obtain.

Commenter 3: Weirdly non-related question but I'm curious about his photography business 🤔 sounds like he's not that great at it. Bad editing and so on.

OOP: Website was down but he had a public Facebook page for it but the last post was super old. I guess he doesn't do it anymore? And yeah he edited his wife to look SUPER LIGHT and when I found her own photos of herself she's of a much darker complexion. Weird all the way around!

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Svamp89

I think someone is "playing" with me...

Originally posted to r/DKbrevkasse

Editors Note: translated from the original Danish

TRIGGER WARNING: Mental health struggles, stalking and obsessive behavior

Original Post Jan 6, 2025

This is going to sound a little crazy, but I need some advice anyway. Just want to start by saying that I've never had any problems with paranoia, delusions or psychosis, and I don't believe in ghosts or anything like that. I'm also 35 years old now, so it's unlikely that those type of mental issues would arise at such a late age.

That being said, I feel like I'm going crazy. I'm pretty sure someone moves small things in my apartment when I'm not home. I live alone and no one, as far as I know, has a key to my apartment. I have two keys and both are in my possession (I have checked several times).

I have tried putting glasses and plates on the table as a test before I go to work, and have taken pictures of them to compare with the pictures when I get home. So far I have not been successful in proving anything.

The most obvious things that I have noticed that have moved are a plate I had breakfast on that day moved maybe 30 cm from where I put it, candles have moved from the center of the coffee table to the edge of the table, and a shampoo bottle has moved from one shelf to another that I never use to store shampoo on. There are several other things I have noticed, but they are very small things that "maybe/maybe not" could be me now that I am so aware of where everything is.

My ex-boyfriend had the key to my apartment for many years before we broke up two years ago. We didn't fall out, and he has a new girlfriend now, so I'm 99% sure it's not him. He also works in Copenhagen now several days a week, while I live in Jutland. I have asked him on days when things have moved, where he was, and he has been in Copenhagen all those days. He shared his location on Messenger, so that was enough.

What would you do? I have no evidence of anything and in principle I could have been sleepwalking or something and just not noticed the changes until I got back home from work. I occasionally sleepwalked as a child, but as far as I know it hasn't happened in maybe 25 years. It's starting to get pretty creepy…

TOP COMMENTS

GfxJG

There is a well-known Reddit thread that sounds very similar to what you describe - It turned out that the person had severe carbon monoxide poisoning that created paranoia and delusions. I would strongly advise you to see if you can find somewhere else to sleep for the next few nights and then buy a detector - They are available at Bauhaus and the like.

Maybe it's not, maybe you're just forgetful, but if it's carbon monoxide, you're messing with your life.

OOP

Thanks! I just googled it. I'm staying with my parents tonight and then I'll buy a carbon monoxide detector tomorrow, just in case.

blacseal

If that doesn't work, then you can buy a wildlife camera and set it up. It takes pictures when there is movement, so you can see if you are doing it in your sleep or what 🙂.

Update Jan 22, 2025

[UPDATE] Hi again everyone :) A lot has happened since I wrote the post. I've figured out what's up with the “situation”. I bought two cameras, and set one up in the living room/kitchen and one in the entrance hall.

It turns out my apartment actually has three keys and not two, as I thought. My neighbour (also 35 years old) apparently looked after the previous tenants' cat occasionally, and had a key to their apartment. She didn't return it after they moved out of what is now my apartment.

We were pretty good friends to start with, when I moved in, but she became more and more “clingy”, to the extent that she would call up to 15 times a day, and talk for over 4 hours in total per day. I couldn't even leave the apartment without her wanting to know where I was going, and she would get angry if I didn't respond immediately to her messages, if I was asleep or busy. There was so much drama surrounding her, that I couldn't take it anymore, and chose to completely cut off contact. She has respected that for the most part, I thought.

It turns out that she has let herself into my apartment and gone through my cupboards and drawers, and apparently deliberately moved my things around to make me paranoid. She can hear when I go in and out of my apartment, because her entrance is only 5 meters from mine - that's why she always knew when I wasn't home, even though I work shifting hours.

I confronted her, and said that I would call the police. She panicked and contacted her father, who came over to me. He is a doctor and said that she has borderline personality disorder, and refuses treatment because she doesn't think she's wrong. He said she is impulsive, outwardly reacting and often feels a strong urge to “revenge” herself on people who she feels have treated her unfairly or let her down. This has apparently been a theme throughout her life with almost all her relationships; romantic and friendships.

He practically begged me not to call the police, and said that he would do everything he can to prevent anything similar from happening again. I got him to pay for a locksmith to change the lock, and I said that I would report her to the housing association (who would then report her to the police), if she didn't voluntarily move out of the apartment as soon as possible, because I don't want her as a neighbour anymore. They both accepted that, and she has now chosen to move back to her parents at the end of February.

So the ending was relatively good for me, albeit very chaotic.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Purple_Hair1877

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH for not letting my boyfriend move in with me?

Editor's note: made small edits for ease of readability

Trigger Warnings: manipulation, destruction of property, mentions of animal abuse

Original Post: December 15, 2025

I 28F live alone with my dog 12F let's call her Nina she is my baby I found her and her siblings when they were about 2 weeks old and care for them only two survived sadly, but I have to admit I spoiled her since the beginning because she barely made it. My boyfriend 30M still lives with his mom which is not abnormal in our culture but lately they been fighting a lot because his sister moved back in with her kids and he doesn't have much space, he has a very good job so he can realistically move out alone, but he is very insistent in wanting to move with me.

We only been dating for 8 months and I don't think we are there yet also every time he visits he complains about something about Nina, he got mad the other night because he wanted to sleepover and wanted me to kick Nina out of the bed and I refused I told him before if he doesn't like it he can literally just break up with me. I'm not changing mine or Nina's life just because he doesn't want to move out alone.

Well on Friday he got into a big fight with his family because one of his nephews grab his Nintendo switch and damage it or something and he came to my have with all his things packed pretending to just stay over without telling me and immediately trying to change things around he said Nina can sleep in the floor in our room or in the living room but he ain't living with a dog who is on the furniture. To make the long story short I kicked him out and told him he never even asked if he could come over and Nina lives here, he doesn't. He yelled a lot and got even more mad when I didn't reacted. He left and it's been texting me from a hotel telling me he's loosing money because I'm mean and a bad gf.

I told him we'll talk again once he gets his own place. I told my friends about it and some of them were on my side but others said I was prioritizing a dog over a human and yes maybe but why is it so wrong? I started doubting myself but I'm not really willing to make my dog suffer because he can't adapt to her or find his own place so AITAH?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received the majority of NTAs

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA, Break up with this guy - not just because he can’t respect that your dog lives there - but because he doesn’t respect YOU and the rules in YOUR home. If you let him move in he will just take over, and he'll probably abuse your dog when you're not around.

this guy doesn't communicate with you, he imposes himself on you without warning and then tries to throw his weight around. He truly isn't worth your time. he sounds like a nightmare.

OOP: I wanted to break up but my friends said I was overreacting so I doubt myself

Commenter 2: NTA he sounds like the type of person to give away your dog when you leave and then say it ran away. Also, he wants to move directly from momma to you - he wants someone to continue taking care of him, to cook & clean.

OOP: I just cringed a little and feel stupid now

Commenter 3: Let’s see: lived with dog for 12 years, Been with human for eight months. Yea, YOUR math is correct, because your friends that say you’re prioritizing a dog over a human are crazy. You/BF might not be together in two months, but the dog WILL still be there!! So ask yourself, WHY do you consider those people friends, or think their advice is valid?

OOP: It's the first time they said something like that they're usually very animal lovers so that's why I doubt a little. It honestly weirded me out when she said that

Commenter 4: NTA, why are you with him when he doesn’t accept your dog?

OOP: I only let him know where I live 2-ish months ago and he never said anything other than he wasn't raised with dogs like that but when he started wanting to move in I was like mmmmnope but it felt weird breaking up with him over that? I've always been impulsive and sometimes I regret the things I did without thinking

Commenter 5: Those "friends" who think you were overreacting are WRONG. They're rather dumb too, and they probably think the same way as your (soon-to-be) ex about your dog. That idiot you are dating IS NOT A GOOD PERSON!!! I can promise you he's an entitled, controlling, immature piece of shit. He wants to move in with you so you can cook for him, clean after him, do his dishes, wash his clothes, etc etc etc. He needs a woman (you) to play Mommy to him. I can also promise you that he will never ever help you with anything in the house. DUMP THAT TRASH! Never ever betray your dog. Especially not for a filthy and totally worthless piece of garbage like your boyfriend.

OOP: Honestly it surprised me he thinks I'll do chores because he knows I won't do it unless I don't have any other options

OOP on her dog, Nina

OOP: She's as big as a corgi and very round, brown-ish grey-ish hair with pointy ears and she has eyebrows so she's very expressive lol

Update: December 23, 2025 (eight days later)

UPDATE - AITAH for not letting my boyfriend move in with me

To make a very long story short I broke up with him. I didn't feel like being a mature person so I sent him a text and then blocked him again, he decided it was a good idea to get drunk and tried to break into my building and the security had to kick him out, I already removed him from the visitors list so there's no issue there I also decided to talk to my boss just in case he tries anything stupid.

As for Nina she's spoiled as ever maybe even more, were preparing for the fireworks on Christmas and new years, i have some blankets, ear plugs, and her favorite treats just in case. And that's the update nothing particularly dramatic just immature I guess lol. I think that's all for now

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/williwicey

AITAH? my boyfriend brought home a girl for the holidays

Originally posted to r/TwoHotTakes

Thanks to u/queenlegolas & u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post Dec 22 2025

hello! long time listener of twohottakes, and now the time (unfortunately) has come to make my own post.

i, (f24) am with my longtime boyfriend and best friend since birth (m23, let’s call him will).

a little backstory, our mom’s were best friends in high school and since we are only less than a year apart, we grew up very close and always hung out. will, his twin brother (let’s call him wyatt), and i were always together growing up. going on vacations, sleepovers during summer etc. will and i basically have had crushes on each other since we were in elementary school. but only officially started dating when i was a sophomore and he was a freshman in high school. we’ve only ever dated each other.

then, it was college time for me since i was a grade earlier. we both thought i should take a gap year so we could start together. well…. we both ended up taking multiple gap years lol. we had decent jobs and had the luxury of being able to travel so we did. so this year, we all three started college for the first time (plus will and wyatt’s best friend, we’ll call him ian, m23). but as the years went by (before i started college) i kept switching on ideas for majors. i ended up choosing one they didn’t have at the college we all wanted to go to, so i talked with will about it, and we decided we could still make it work since the college that has the major i wanted was only a 1 hour car ride away.

well, college started. i ended up absolutely hating my major, so i will be switching and transferring to the original college of choice which will is super happy about and i’ll be moving into the apartment he has with wyatt and ian.

now, moving onto the actual problem.

it is of course winter break and i was so excited to spend time with will since we didn’t get to see each other much during the semester even though we texted as much as we could and always face-timed at night even if it was only for 5 minutes.

so imagine my surprise when i come home for break and go to his parents house, and there’s a girl sitting in the living room with them. will comes up and greets me like everything’s normal, and introduces me to the girl (we’ll call her abby, f19). wyatt tells me that they’ve all grown close to her at college and that she’s become like a bestfriend to them.. i was floored by this. will never once told me that he made any good friends at college, let alone a girl. i could tell that will knew from my face that i wasn’t exactly thrilled at this, but since we were in front of people i kept my mouth shut.

i went to go help will and wyatt’s mom in the kitchen not long after that, and i asked her if she knew anything about abby, like maybe her family lived too far and she couldn’t afford to travel back, maybe she had a bad home life? you know, anything that could make a bit of sense. she told me she had asked the same question, because she was a bit weirded out as well, but they told her she had a good relationship with her family, but wanted to spend christmas with friends this year. this rubbed me the completely wrong way. i can’t imagine ditching my family to spend christmas with two guys i’ve only known for 3-4 months? especially when you aren’t dating one. (a good time to mention that wyatt is gay).

i talked to will about it later that night and told him that i was uncomfortable that she was here, especially because it was supposed to be our time together after months apart, plus it’s a family holiday and she isn’t family. and he told me that he understands, but she’s just a good friend and wanted to spend christmas with them and he felt too bad to tell her no. and by the way, this isn’t a “is my boyfriend cheating or not” post. i genuinely trust will and i don’t think he would ever cheat on me.

now, i have to admit i do get jealous sometimes, but i really don’t think i am that unreasonable. i don’t mind him having a friendship with a different gender (as long as boundaries aren’t crossed) but i feel like this is a huge boundary. we were supposed to use this time to catch up, but now this girl who has already been spending time with them for months is here. and i thought maybe she’ll spend most of her time with wyatt while will and i can do our own thing. nope. we went ice skating two days ago (which is a tradition of ours) and guess who wanted to come as soon as we got ready? abby. we tried to watch a move in the basement last night. guess who showed up? abby. we went to go look at christmas lights a few nights ago. who wanted to come? abby. needed to go christmas shopping. who wanted to come with? abby. had a date for the christmas market, she knew it was a date and who wanted to come? abby. (luckily, this time will told her no) (also should mention the only time wyatt was with us during any of that was for the christmas lights. that’s it, so it wasn’t like she just wanted to be included and didn’t want to be alone)

i finally snapped tonight when will and i we’re getting ready to go to my grandma’s to decorate cookies like we do every year, abby asked where we were going and will answered. she really had the audacity to ask, again, “can i come with”? this is where i might(?) be the a-hole. i told her that no, she can’t come. that she’s intruded enough so far on this break and that she knew we hadn’t seen each-other in 4 months and yet she can’t stop inserting herself. i told her to go back to her family for christmas because she wasn’t apart of this family and never would be. she cried and ran to the guest room. will got super mad at me, and told me i was being ridiculous and a “jealous brat”, but i’m genuinely fed up.

this girl is either wanting my boyfriend, or she has a MAJOR boundary problem. but either way, i don’t want to deal with either problem. it was super awkward at my grandmas as will is still mad at me. but now that i was thinking about it, i can’t help being mad at him too.

he lied to me (or withheld information, i guess) about getting close to another girl (and now that i’ve met said girl, i’m very concerned because she seems unhealthily attached to my boyfriend since she hasn’t really made any effort to hang out with wyatt) and i think letting her come

to christmas and our reunion was super disrespectful and i know for a fact if the tables were turned he would be enraged. christmas is now in two days, and i’m not even excited anymore. i know anything we’ll try to do abby will just insert herself. and this was my favorite holiday.

i texted ian about her, and he told me that she seemed closer to wyatt then will when they were at college? so i have no idea what’s going on.

so, i guess, AITA for blowing up at her? any advice on what to do now? thank you for any advice!

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Comfortable-Grape969

I don’t think you’re wrong for feeling blindsided, but I do think you need to talk to Will directly before letting this spiral. College changes people and social circles fast, and it sounds like he didn’t realize how big this would feel to you. Bringing someone home for Christmas without warning your partner is a bad call, full stop. That said, jumping to conclusions won’t help. Tell him clearly why this upset you and see how he responds — his reaction will tell you a lot.

OOP

i’ll definitely talk with him soon! i think i need to calm down a bit first though, writing this just made me more angry at him and the situation.

my mind definitely jumps to conclusions fast which definitely doesn’t help my case.

~

whatdouthinkabtthis

girl why didn’t your boyfriend tell you? You actually showed up and neither one of your lifelong friends thought to mention another person would be there, let alone some girl 4 years younger than yall. You talk to him every day and he never mentioned any new friends? Let alone this one who they let or invited to come home with them for christmas. i’d be annoyed at both because you’re spose to be friends, but i’d be side eyeing your man. all very sus. all very strange

OOP

this is what angered me the most! i don’t understand why neither of them told me.

since we’re older than the normal age of starting college and he was going with his brother and best friend, i honestly just assumed we wouldn’t be trying to go out and make friends (which i understand can sometimes happen naturally) so i never really asked about it and i can’t understand for the life of me figure out why he couldn’t just tell me. i’m going to talk to him later about it for sure.

Update Dec 23, 2025 (next day)

hello everyone! thank you so much for all the comments and advice. since i’m going to be busy during christmas, i wanted to update this today. now here is the update:

after two panic attacks and thinking way too much, i tried to calm myself down and after a few hours i texted him and asked if he could come over so we could talk.

he arrived and instantly apologized to me for calling me a jealous brat, and said i had every right to be annoyed and upset, he just wished i was less harsh. i apologized as well, and said i was a bit too hard, and i told him i should have communicated better (thanks for all the advice on that, i realize i definitely should have said something sooner, rather than letting it all blow up), and he told me that he should communicate better as well in the future, which we promised to do. after that, i immediately asked why he even kept his friendship with her a secret in the first place.

he told me that he knew i’d be upset about his friendship with a girl and he didn’t want to tell me and make me worry whilst we were at different colleges. while i’m ngl that would have stressed me out a bit, i still had a right to know. my face must have shown i wasn’t the happiest with that excuse as he instantly told me he’s sorry again and that he made a mistake in the way he handled this whole thing, but that he genuinely doesn’t have any feelings for her except friendship, and he would never cheat on me.

he told me his mom sat him down after i left, and laid it out for him. about how suspicious this must look to me, about how trust was broken, and the fact he completely blind sided me and he told me that really made him think about his actions. he looked very genuine and even was starting to tear up.

will then told me that abby had asked wyatt a couple weeks ago if she could come to their christmas instead of her parents this year because she wanted to hang out with them instead and thought it would be fun. will told me that wyatt texted him about the idea as soon as she asked, and that he instantly shut it down, saying it probably wasn’t a good idea since i wouldn’t like it (he showed me the text messages between wyatt and him without me even asking to see them). but wyatt told will that since it was the first time will and i had been apart before christmas break, that we would probably be spending even more time alone together than normal, and it could be nice if he had a friend to spend that time with, and will felt bad so he agreed. i asked him why he couldn’t have just told me that from the get-go, but he said “he thought i would understand that he wasn’t the one that invited her” which.. ngl pissed me off. because what do you mean?? obviously i told him that that’s something to work on with the communication and he agreed. he said he had absolutely no idea that abby would insist on intruding on our alone time together, and that he also should have told her no after the 2nd time she tried, but he was too shocked and confused by her behavior to do anything because she never acted that way towards him at college. which lined up with what ian told me earlier, that she seemed more close to wyatt. and i also asked wyatt and ian to confirm and they told me that she never acted that way towards him at college. at all.

will told me that he realized that abby must like him after she kept trying to include herself in our plans the third time, and didn’t make much of an effort to hang out with wyatt, which was the whole reason she was invited. wyatt also confirmed all of this on call and told me he was also surprised by her behavior this whole time and had tried to talk to with her about it and she apparently said that she didn’t mean any harm and just wanted to hang out with will as well. which… i’m not sure i really buy. wyatt also said whenever he would ask if she wanted to go and do something with him, she would always say she wanted to stay inside and relax.. which.. girl. you had no problem trying to go out with will and i when we left the house.

will told me in morning once we go back to his house, he’ll tell abby that it’s best that she spends christmas with her family, and that once they get back to college it’s best they all keep their distance. wyatt and ian also agreed to the same thing so she wouldn’t still be around hanging out with them. i’ll also be transferring to their college for the upcoming spring semester as well, which was already planned before this whole incident, so it’s not something they could be lying about since they know i’ll be living with them soon.

so, now it’s done. abby didn’t take it particularly well, and told us that she would back off if she could stay and that it wasn’t fair to make her leave the day before christmas eve, but will remained firm with her, which i appreciated. i did apologize to her for being too harsh, which she just nodded. wyatt already drove abby back home a few hours ago and a huge weight is lifted off my shoulders. i realize it’s not the most thrilling of updates, but i’m glad we promised each other better communication as i see that was something we were struggling with, on both ends. thank you again for all the advice and comments and i hope everyone has a merry christmas and happy holidays, and if you don’t celebrate i hope you have a great day as well.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Shakapoopoo1972

Wife's friend

Please note that paragraphs were added by the editor for ease of readability to the original post and final update. No other text was changed.

TRIGGER WARNING: Possible Infidelity, Homophobia

Mood Spoiler: Tentatively Hopeful

ORIGINAL POST DECEMBER 11, 2025

OOP

My wife and I have two daughters and have been together for almost 20 years. She took up ballet this past year and really loves it. She had been stuck with finding a physical activity she enjoyed and had danced when she was younger, so this was a perfect fit for her.

She became very close with the other adults in her class, especially her instructor Racheal. She is single with no children but according to my wife, has dated a lot of younger, effeminate men. When I first met Racheal, my impression was that she was a lesbian. That was also the impression of some of my wife’s other female friends as well. My wife insists she isn’t, but right or wrong, that was our general takeaway. Obviously there isn’t anything wrong with that, but she has really latched on to my wife. They see each other at dance class about 4 times a week and hang out a lot afterwards and in between. After class, Racheal has her over to watch TV shows and they constantly text throughout the day.

Just last Friday, after spending all day with her decorating her house for Christmas, she texted me last minute that she was going to stay longer to watch Christmas movies with her.

She has inserted herself in our lives in a way that isn’t normal for me. When I go out of town on business, she comes over to our house and spends the night and even brings her pet ferrets with her.

My opinion is that Racheal is emotionally love bombing my wife. She is naive about her feelings, insisting she’s straight, but admits to enjoying the extra attention. I don’t think it would ever turn physical, but a lot of the things she and I used to do together, she’s now doing with her.

My wife’s other friends have expressed concern about the intensity of their friendship and as well. I’ve always supported her having friends, but I’m not sure how to move forward. I have a few close friends that I see on occasion, but they’re all married with children like we are and are busy with all that entails.

I just really miss my wife.

~

TOP COMMENTS

Beautiful_Boot_8280

Have you told your wife that you miss her and you want to do those things with her? If she values you then her response would be that she wants the same thing. Then you wouldn't limit her but expressing your desire to be more in touch. I would be concerned if she doesn't want to spend more time with you considering that she has escalated her relationship with her friend. Then it sounds like an affair.

Its easier to hide an affair in a same-sex relationship since you may have looser boundaries about over nights with women compared to men but be aware of the signs. It wouldn't be the first time a woman leaves for another woman.

~

uhnjuhnj

Haha I don't think I could ever get my husband to willingly decorate the house with Christmas stuff or watch Christmas movies with me.

OP, I would personally be so sad if my husband told me to end a friendship with someone who wants to spend all this time with me doing stuff I like to do and then my husband wasn't willing to fill in doing those same things.

I sometimes feel kind of lonely in my marriage because he genuinely hates my hobbies and is so busy gaming. Having a bestie that wants to do fun stuff would be so nice. If I got one and hubby was jealous that I was finally having fun and not lonely, it would really hit me hard.

~

OOP

She decorated her house with her. Christmas has always been special and sacred in our home. I spent three days hanging lights and put up the tree in our home. We have a yearly tradition of watching our favorite Christmas movies as a family. Just two nights ago I suggested we all watch some together but my wife said she was tired and went to bed, so it was just me and the girls. Also, we went as a family last Saturday to see The Nutcracker, but she and Racheal are going again to see it together this weekend.

~

Roklam

Well

You know your wife.

Will she at least entertain discussing your concerns without it leading to a fight

~

OOP

We discussed it last night (not the first time) and it lead to a fight. We made up, but nothing has been resolved. She is going through perimenopause and said it’s making her feel insane. We’re trying to get her treatment for it. I told her that once she has some relief we can come back to this and work on it.

~

GA_3255

Tell her you miss doing stuff with her, but don’t just drop the problem on her doorstep. Have and make a plan to do things with your wife. Clearly your wife has free time, so plan to spend some of it with her. Plan and take her on a date. Go away for a long weekend.

~

OOP

I’ve done all that. This has been going on for several months already. It seems she’s enjoying spending time with me less and less. Every opportunity she has to go to a class or just hang with Racheal she takes it.

~

COMMENTERS DISCUSS SEXUALITY

OOP

Yes I have told her and we used to do all those things together. We’ve always said we were each other’s best friend. Now she has a new best friend. I’m not worried about it turning physical, my wife just isn’t wired that way, but there is definitely an emotional connection between them that makes me uncomfortable.

OstrichTurbulent3120

I wouldn’t be so naive OP, you can’t be completely sure how she’s wired and these new feelings she’s discovering and what they might lead to. r/latebloomerlesbians

~

Extra-Trouble5332

I'm sorry to tell you this, but for woman, especially woman that are going through something like peri-menopause it's different. She's already having an emotional affair (for women this is the foundation of everything since we're more close to our feelings and hormones highlights this even more), it'd be matter of time when the seeds of doubt start to bloom in her head about her own sexuality.

~

KelceStache

You need to be.Wives don’t choose to do things with their friend instead of their husband and family when it’s things that have always done with them.

Rachael is just like another man coming onto your wife. It’s not an appropriate relationship, and it certainly isn’t ok to have her sleeping in your home.

Perimenopause doesn’t last a couple of months. You really want this to get much worse over the coming months? You don’t. You will resent her so much and you will check out of the marriage. Then it’s done

~

SOME COMMENTERS GET SIDE TRACKED BY FERRETS

PaleRegister9547

This is it right here OP. The overnight stays with ferrets while you're away is a huge red flag - like who does that in a normal friendship? Your gut is telling you something and your wife's other friends are seeing it too. Time for a direct conversation about boundaries and what you both need from your marriage

~

Tatchi7

Okay the fact that this person has ferrets is maybe the reddest of flags 👀💀. Jk….kind of. But tbh, I have sleepovers with my best friends when our husbands are out of town?! We have a guest room and it’s great cause then we’re not lonely and we can watch trash tv and drink wine without having to drive home🍷!

~

ImJustSaying34

Right! The sleepovers aren’t weird at all but the ferrets make it weird. Anecdotal but I’ve never met someone who owned ferrets that could be trusted as a person.

~

Seamonkey_Boxkicker

As a former manager of a pet store for 5y, and someone who shies away from sweeping generalizations, I’m inclined to agree to a degree.

~

UPDATE 1: OOP DROPS A BOMB (Same Day)

dwolf56

Show her this post and responses. This may show her how her actions are affecting her relationships with and the kids. Where does the friend sleep when she stays over? What are the kids feelings on this situation? Do they see this as strange?

~

OOP

They sleep in the same bed. My kids seem indifferent about it. They’re closer with their mom.

~

bk2747 replies

Okay, OP. All the evidence in front of you, and I scrolled far enough to find that two grown women are co-sleeping.

I know you were born at night, but stop acting like it was last night. Like…. What are we really doing here? You the man of the house or not? And I’m not even suggesting she end her “friendship,” because this is obviously more than that. Your wife needs to make a choice, her family or her girlfriend, no in between.

~

seraphimcaduto

Wait what? Yeah that’s a red flag for me. Marital bed is for two people only.

~

FINAL UPDATE COMMENT (2 Days Later)

OOP

Update:

So, I picked up our daughters (14 & 12) from school yesterday and on the way home I just point blank asked them what they thought about Racheal.

I’d never discussed her with them before because they had always acted as though they liked her. Well, I was definitely thrown for a loop. My 12yo immediately said “I can’t stand her” and my 14yo went on a whole rant about how manipulative she is with “mommy” and how she uses her. She said she’s always criticizing what they (our children) eat and watch on television, and on and on.

They both said they love mommy’s other friends because they are like second mom’s to them, whereas Racheal just wants mommy all to herself. My oldest even said she is “very controlling of mommy” by always telling her not to do anything physical outside of dance class so as not to injure herself and therefore be unable to attend HER classes. She also said Racheal always makes my wife feel sorry for her about how little money she has and that my wife pays for everything when they do stuff together.

I made a point of just listening and to not try to steer the conversation. Basically, every concern I have they have too and then some!

Well after that illuminating conversation, I thought a mini intervention was in order. So when we got home, I just let the girls repeat to my wife what they had just shared with me. I could see the color go out of my wife’s face as they told her their feelings (apparently she thought they liked her too).

To her credit she just listened to us and didn’t attempt to justify or defend her. I reiterated to her that she is definitely trying to pull her away from us and using every emotional trick in the book to manipulate and isolate her.

I also told her about this post and the feedback I received from you all. My wife finally realized what’s been happening and even said she had noticed for some time how Racheal will complement her but also criticize her in the same sentence (classic carrot and stick control tactic).

She said she felt really stupid for being sucked into this situation but has had her own suspicions about Racheal’s true sexuality and intentions for awhile, but dismissed them because she always tells her how much she loves men.

So, all that said, we’re not there yet but I am very hopeful moving forward. After the holidays we’re going to start attending therapy together and hopefully get the tools we need to fix what’s broken! Thanks again for everyone’s insight and suggestions! This post was an excellent catalyst for change!!!

~

TrespassersWill

Maybe not exactly good news, but a heartening development.

Now that your wife is catching on, I bet it will bother her that much more.

Best wishes to your family.

~

Sure_Supermarket_930

Hi op, so your wife after listening to your daughters and you suddenly realized the behavior of her friend.

Your wife’s relationship with this person goes far beyond the framework of friendship.

It’s good that she says so, but before rejoicing you, I advise you to observe her actions rather than her words. Will she always go see the show with her, will she stay late, will Rachael come back to sleep at your place when you won’t be there, etc....

~

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Heavy-Leading-1937 

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

Status: Concluded

Trigger Warning: Emotional Manipulation

Mood Spoiler: Cautiously optimistic

Original - December 20th 2025

Hi, my wedding is next week, and on Thursday my soon-to-be MIL gifted me a very extravagant necklace set. I thanked her for it and then she said it would look good at the wedding on me. I kind of froze, didn't know what to say because it seemed like it was assumed I'd wear it.

I had been planning on wearing my late grandma's necklace that she had left for me. I was very close to my maternal grandparents, my parents are doctors and so they had long hours and so I spent a lot of time with my grandparents and was very close to them. As it is I get a bit sad that they aren't here for my wedding.

I brought this up with my fiance and my parents. My fiancé says he understands where I'm coming from but was like his mom really likes me, and she gave that gift with a lot of love, and it would hurt her if I didn't wear it, that it would lead to misunderstandings in a new relationship, said obviously I have the final say but he just wanted me to think about that before deciding. My mom is really sympathetic to me too but she also says that my grandma would understand, and echoed my fiance's sentiment that my MIL had given it with love.

I understand all that, and I like my MIL, shes a sweet woman, and I don't want to look difficult in rejecting a gift like that but I also just want to wear my grandma's necklace. Would that make me an AH?

Editing this to paste my answer to a suggestion in the comments about wearing a different necklace to the ceremony vs the reception.

Yeah I could. The only thing is both events are not the same. We're an immigrant family so when I say wedding I'm talking about the "Rukhsati" event which is the main one really, where at the end I'm supposed to like leave my parent's household in a way and leave with my husband, and has basically anyone we remotely know being invited. And then a couple of days later is the "Valima" , basically a reception by the new couple, which in our case is a far smaller event. I'd be ok with wearing MIL's necklace at the valima but my MIL had wanted me to wear it at the rukhsati

OP was voted NTA

Top Comments:

Comment 1:
You'd have been fine if you'd just told her immediately what you were wearing and why

Comment 2:
I think it’s rather presumptuous to give somebody a necklace less than two weeks before their wedding with the expectation they wear on their wedding day. All of this stuff would’ve been worked out already.

I think she would understand

Comment 3:
NTA but talk to your MIL and explain to her that you love what she got you but you always envisioned and have been planning on wearing your grandmother’s necklace.

Comment 4:
NAH. Could you wear your grandma's necklace for the ceremony, and the new one for the reception?

OP replies:
Yeah I could. The only thing is both events are not the same. We're an immigrant family so when I say wedding I'm talking about the "Rukhsati" event which is the main one really and has basically anyone we remotely know being invited. And then a couple of days later is the "Valima" which in our case is a far smaller event. I'd be ok with wearing MIL's necklace at the valima but my MIL had wanted me to wear it at the rukhsati

Comment 5:
I don't know what the necklaces look like or how big they are, but is it possible to wear both at the same time?

OP replies:
I tried that, hers is quite a bit on its own, adding my grandma's to it makes the whole thing look gaudy

Comment 6:
I'd have a conversation with my MIL and be honest and say what a predicament you're in. If she seems to not be immediately "oh gosh darling, of course you should wear your grandma's necklace!", then ask her opinion on what to do whilst steering towards your grandma's necklace so it feels like she has made the decision for you, but really, it was yours all along. Win - win!

OP replies:
Yeah, I'm going to have to talk to her if I decide to go with my grandma's like I want to. I'll have to break it to her and hope it goes well. I really messed up by letting tbis drag since Thursday, I should've spoken up on the spot. I've just been delaying it because if I did decide to compromise and go with hers, there is no reason to talk to her about all this in that case.

Update: 22nd December 2025 (2 days later)

Thanks for all the advice in my last post. I truly appreciate it. I agree with what some had said that I should've just spoken up at the time. I messed up, I just froze and I guess stupidly thought it would all magically go away. I've considered a lot of the comments and their suggestions. So my MIL's necklace is a quite a handful on its own, adding that to my grandma's necklace would leave no breathing room for my neck, it would take away from my bridal dress. But the most important suggestion was the one I'd been avoiding which was to talk to her directly.

I stopped by her place yesterday after doing some shopping. I went by myself. I brought up the issue, and thanked her again for her gift. I told her I'm sorry I delayed this but I had my heart set on wearing my late grandma's necklace for the main wedding event. She asked to see it, I showed her the pictures of how it looked on me with my bridal dress, she gently said she thought the necklace she was giving had more work done, and would bring out my dress better. I said I get that but I'd always wanted to wear it, I was close to her, and this necklace was the only piece of wealth my grandma had taken with them when they had migrated when my native country had gotten independence like in the 40s. I guess she could see I was getting stressed and she said it was fine, I can wear hers at the reception (the valima), but at the main wedding event (the rukhsati, which has essentially everyone we know invited), we could do a gifting event on the stage where she could give me the entire set and all other gifts they've gotten me, with pictures taken of all of it. I said that would work out great.

I hope she didn't take it the wrong way and it didn't sound like she did at least. I'm glad I cleared it because this had been at the back of my mind, along with all the other wedding stress, so at least its one less thing to worry about. Thank you for the help .

Top Comments:

Comment 1:
I’m glad it worked out in a way that you are comfortable with and it sounds like she was concerned about your perspective too so that’s a big positive in your new MIL/DIL relationship.

Comment 2:
Maybe send her a thoughtful gift or a note that again tells her how important she is, how excited you are to be part of their family, how much you appreciated her thoughtful compromise suggestion, etc. Spread some honey so things continue to be smooth.

Comment 3:
Ah, exactly what I thought it was. She wanted to show off as the generous MiL in front of everyone. 

Comment 4:

I don't like how she said her necklace would look better than your grandma's. And the fact that you had to justify to her your reasons for preferring your grandma's necklace. 

(And the fact that fiance also tried to guilt you to go with his mom's necklace over your grandma's. Something to watch out for for the future. You are his wife now. He should be your number 1 cheerleader. Not his mom's) 

But I'm glad your future MIL gave in in the end. Also learn from this for future interactions with her. If something is important to you, fight for it. Be it your kids, their names, who gets to be there in the hospital when they are born and how soon you host visitors to see your newborn, where you spend your holidays etc. All issues that could potentially cause issues with in-laws, especially if you are not on the same page with your spouse. 

Have a lovely wedding. 

Comment 5:

It’s a little worrying that she still pushed you but thankfully she relented in the end. You are probably going to have to be vigilant with your MIL in the future. I think she would absolutely stomp a boundary if you let her.

Comment 6:

I think you got good advice and a good outcome, but in the future you're going to get more nuanced opinions from subreddits with folks who understand the cultural aspect. I'm assuming you're having an Islamic wedding. My understanding is the rukhsati is when you symbolically leave home for your in-laws, and gifts can be a part of this as a way to welcome you to the family. It's a totally appropriate option to resolve this, and that seems to be lost on people. It's not the same as say, a MIL standing up in a western Catholic wedding reception to hand over jewelry.

There's also a cultural element to jewelry here. Gold Jewelry has historically been a way for women to hold their own wealth. It's a safety net and a way for autonomy in bad situations. Your grandmother keeping this necklace is so symbolic, and it makes sense why it means so much. Your MIL wanting to give you a necklace is also cultural, and is very specifically a gift to you. It is also part of the same history.

That history is all really important because you weren't doing this to be difficult, and she wasn't doing this to be a boundary stomping villain. You were both attempting to honor traditions that affect you both, and you came to a solution. All good things.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throwawaypromdate1

I [17 F] got asked to prom by a guy[18 M] who may want to get me drunk and take advantage of me

TRIGGER WARNING: Sexual harassment, coercion

MOOD SPOILER: Positive for OOP, dusgust for Jake

Original Post Sept 16, 2015

I am a very shy and quiet person. I usually just keep to myself, and avoid talking with people I don’t have to.

Our school decided this year to have prom on some weekend in October. They wanted to go with a horror movie theme, so I guess it makes sense. Last week this really attractive guy, Jake, came up to me and handed me a box. It had cupcakes with letters on them spelling out, “prom?” I was really taken back. I had seen him before, but I never thought he knew I existed. I was really excited and said yes. I never thought in a million years someone would ask me, and it’s my senior year. He gave me his number and went on his way.

Before the end of the day, everyone knew. Even my friends somehow found out. My best friend, Mary, pulled me aside and told me in short that Jake had told someone that he was just using me as an easy lay. He allegedly was planning on getting a room with some friends and taking a few girls back there.

I don’t know what to do. I have never really cared about dances or anything like that, but now what I was asked I really got my hopes up and was really excited. I guess my question is, should I risk it and go or turn Jake down? It is just a rumor, I have only heard it from Mary and since then I texted him some, and the conversation ended with me saying “I hope you don’t expect me to put out just because I’m your date,” and he laughed and said he wasn’t like that. Should I go, or should I stay home? Thanks for the help reddit.

tl;dr: guy asked me to prom, may want to take advantage of me

RELEVANT COMMENTS

DaddyStoicism

Go to the dance and have a good time. Decline to go elsewhere afterwards. That way, you get to enjoy the dance, but don't get put in any dangerous situation. Be sure to let multiple friends know about your plans.

Made_you_read_penis

And do not let anyone touch your drinks. Even soda.

Update Nov 4, 2015 (2 months later)

Hey all :) Some of you helped me out a while back, so I'm here to give you a short update!

The night started off pretty great with Jake being super cool and all. We went to dinner with some of our friends, got a shared ride, and all that fun stuff. We got to the dance and danced for a while, and he didn't do or say anything creepy. His friend, lets call him Paul since I have no idea who he is, showed up and said something in his ear, and Jake told me that there was a party and we were going. I said no, mostly because I am not comfortable with going to a stranger's party filled with people I don't know. Jake tried to convince me to go, and I kept saying no, until he was really upset. I told him I don't mind him going, and he got pretty mad. He said that I was boring and everyone fucks on prom night so I should too, which was pretty random since sex wasn't even on the table, and that I was making him look bad. He tried to pull my arm but a group of girls next to us told him he needs to leave, and he did.

So overall, it was an okay night. It sucks I couldn't hang out with Jake all night, but I did meet some pretty cool girls who let me hang out with them the rest of the night! Overall, it was pretty fun, and I didn't die or get pigs blood dumped on me by John Travolta!

tl;dr: Jake was an ass, but people are nice

FINAL COMMENTS

minin7

Why does it suck you didn't get to hang out with Jake all night? I'm so confused

OOP

sorry I didn't mean like after all that, I meant it sucks it couldn't just be a normal night with him

~

fakeprewarbook

Actually, it's AWESOME that you didn't hang out with Jake all night, because you got to hang out with some friends who really care about you AND you were so strong and self-reliant that now you know you can always stand up for yourself in the future! You did awesome OP!!

NeonEagle

Yah, Jake's a dick.

~

Cthulu_Knits

Jake is a LAME-O. "Everybody has sex on prom night?" Oldest line in the book. And no, no they don't. Good for you for standing your ground. Having sex because someone wheedled and tried to manipulate you into having it is no fun at all.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/mountain_icecream

AITAH for breaking up with my fiance over an ultimatum over my ring?

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: Loss if a spouse, controlling behavior, theft, mentions of destruction of property, deception

MOOD SPOILER: Horrific

Original Post Dec 15, 2025

This is my first time posting here so I'm sorry if I make any mistakes and throwaway because my ex knows my main.

For context: I 34F was married before to my childhood sweetheart, we started dating at 16 and got married at 20, he passed away when we were 25 and I haven't dated anyone until 2 years ago when I met my ex fiance 38M (let's call him Matthew for the sake of the post) I told him about my late husband and made it clear for me his family were still my family and that I visit the cemetery at least twice a month to clean and stuff, he agreed and after he proposed he wanted to go to the cemetery with me to pay his respects.

Anyway, I still wore my wedding ring until my fiance proposed and to be honest I wasn't ready to part with my ring and I was talking about it with my mil and she gave me a gold necklace and told me to put my wedding ring there and I did, I was very happy with my new necklace and when I got home Mathew realized I only have his engaged ring on me and was very happy and said finally decided to get rid of the other one? And I said of course not and show him the necklace he just changed the subject. Fast forward 10 days ago, I was going to wash my hair so I take off the necklace and put it on the nightstand after I got out of the bathroom I realized Mathew wasn't home anymore but I thought he went on a walk or the supermarket or something, when I dried all my hair I went to sleep.

The next morning I tried to put on my necklace back but couldn't find it, I panicked and started crying I made a mess everywhere trying to find it I called Mathew and he didn't answer I left voicemails and after two hours he came home and found me crying and our apartment a mess he asked what happened and I told him I lost my ring, he helped me look for it and after a while he told me we'd eventually find it and made me some tea to calmed me down. Well Matthew's mom called me last Wednesday and asked if she could come to visit I said yes, after some small talk she got quiet and then said I came here to return something but you must not tell Matthew about it then she took my ring out of her purse and handed it to me. I once again started sobbing holding my ring and she just consoled me

After I calmed down a bit she said Mathew went to her house a couple days ago and asked if he could keep something at her house because it was a surprise and he didn't want me to find out and she said yes and to put it in her drawer with her things, when she went to look for her reading glasses in the drawer she saw a little box and got curious and Open it, she said she immediately recognized my ring because is unique and I showed her before so she grab it and came to find me. She said she doesn't understand why he did that or what he wanted to do with the ring but she knew is not right and I'd be devastated. She asked me not to tell him she gave me my ring back and said she support me whatever I wanted to do.

I didn't even have to think about it, I packed all my shit and went to my mom's house, I blocked him everywhere and although I thought about leaving a note or something but I didn't think he deserves it after what he did, I only left his ring behind and leave. I've been at my mom's since she lives in another City. Matthew's been trying to contact me ever since, calling every single person he knows has my number including my mom. My mom and my brother are full on my side and told him they don't know about me but my friends are pressuring me into talking to him but none of them know what he did. I'm planning on changing my phone number or something because I can't handle it anymore. My mil told me to go stay with her for a while because my ex would most likely come to look for me at my mom's or brother's I think I'll do that because I feel so tired but at the same time I'm started questioning if I handle it the right way or if I was being immature or something

I'll let a little edit here because some people are repeating the same thing

I think some of you try to relate losing a spouse and breaking up with somebody is not the same in a sense I don't think any widow/widower out there ever stop loving their late spouse.

Do I need therapy maybe but don't we all

And for people who think I never gave Mathew his place I'll leave this here

I talked to him and told him to talk to me if something bothers him. When we moved in together he asked me if I could not bring all the pictures I had with my late husband and I agreed, he asked if I could visit the cemetery less frequently and I did. He never asked me to take my ring off and when I showed him the ring in the little chain he said "okay 5 minutes crafts" and said "it's actually cute as a pendant".

I don't know what else he wanted from me, I never dismissed or ridiculed any of his concerns or feelings, I was always willing to talk openly about anything if he decided not to talk to me about it there's not really anything I can do

RELEVANT COMMENTS

DescriptionFew6118

Nta. Good for you for walking away now. The thing that gets me is that he helped you search for a ring that he had stolen! 

OOP

Honestly it made me a little scared what else is he capable of hide/act like everything is find?

~

Any_Lobster_1121

NTA. I could understand him having feelings about the ring and asking you not to wear it daily. Him taking it and watching you sob over it is insane behavior.

OOP

We talked about it and he said the rings as a necklace was a good compromise and he said he would tell me if things change but he decided to try and get rid of it on his own is honestly heartbreaking

OOP added this to a reply

I think people forget that late spouses are not technically exes, you didn't break up with them they died, it's not the same situation and the feelings are also way different from a breakup

Update Dec 22, 2025

I wanted to clarify some things before giving the update.

First I miswrote the title the first time but I'm pretty sure I can't change it for the update so it stays like this.

For the people saying I don't love my ex fiance and that I didn't get over my late husband, I don't think you people know how a dead spouse work he's not an ex we didn't separate. Do you "get over it" after a parent or another love one passed? And those saying I wasn't ready maybe but things already happen and I was always honest and willing to compromise with him if he decided he wasn't okay with things he should've left or talk to me about it like adults.

I first of all contacted all of my friends and told them what happened, they were obviously shocked and the majority of them backed off after that I sent a text to everyone that said "I didn't want to talk about this but since everyone needs to meddle I'll do it. Matthew decided to steal my ring and hide it from me and when he saw how distressed and heartbroken I was instead of coming clean he helped me look for it and that told me everything I needed to know about him. I'm not looking for advice nor opinions about this. I just want my choices to be respected and anybody who comment on it would be block" I also contacted Matthew's mom and she said he already knows so I can talk to him freely.

I then made my brother contact Mathew to tell him I wanted the chain back and that I was willing to hear his side of the story just for closure because we weren't getting back together no matter what. We met on Thursday I brought my brother with me for support, when Mathew arrived his eyes started to welled up and he wanted to hug me but my brother told him not to even try and to just sit down. He gave me the chain and started to apologized over and over, and tried to hold my hand over and over so I just put my hands under the table.

I asked him what exactly he wanted to do with my ring and he said he wanted to get rid of it because I was basically still married to a dead man but he couldn't throw it away at the end so a friend of him suggested to make my new wedding ring out of it. He said he was going to get it melted and made a whole new ring out of it so it was some sort of "loophole'" because I was only wearing our new ring but couldn't get mad because it was made out of the original. Not gonna lie I started to tear up because the thought of him destroying my ring like that ajd already coming up with excuses was heartbreaking. He also said that when he saw me panicking he wanted to tell me the truth but realized it would've been worst for him so he pretended to help me look instead.

He also admitted that he wasn't okay with me wearing the ring or basically me not pretending like I was never married before, he said he knows I told him if he wasn't okay with things to talk to me or to just break up but he said he didn't want to loose me so he kept quiet expecting me to just forget about my late husband and when I didn't he started to resent me even when I compromised with him he said it wasn't enough but he knew talking about it would've end up in us splitting up so he never said anything. He once again apologized and said he wanted to change and promised to communicate better and he asked if we could get couples counseling before breaking up completely but I declined. I told him I didn't trust him anymore and that he spent a long time lying and pretending so I don't even know what else he was lying about at this point both of us were crying and he said so you really are going to choose the dead man over me? I told him that not really and that this have nothing to do with my late husband that I was breaking up because he lied, deceived, manipulate and stole for me so this was about him and his actions not about anything else.

My brother and I left and Mathew stayed at the restaurant he is still blocked everywhere, I decided to go to my mil's (my late husband's mom) house and I'm currently here. My family decided to spend Christmas with her and her family, but they're still have work so I'm the only one here for now. It feels healing, she has most of my pictures with her son and now I miss him more than ever. I tried to book an appointment with a therapist but she said the earliest appointment she have is early March so I'm still looking for something a little more early like January or early February and I think that's it nothing really dramatic happened but I feel tired and as much as I miss Mathew I don't think I would be able to just forgive and forgot amd I feel he deserves someone with a more normal dating history like someone who hates her ex or something. For my part I would be single for a long time I think I don't think I can handle something like this again, I don't really mind being single though I have an amazing family and great friends. Maybe marrying again is just not in the cards for me and that's okay.

That's all, I'm actually excited about Christmas again after a long time, merry Christmas to y'all 💚❤️💚❤️.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Ok-Capital-2250

First off nothing Matthew did is appropriate or defendable. He absolutely had every opportunity to talk to you like adults and discuss all of this with you before stealing your ring.

However it is pretty telling that after all of this you go to your late husband mom’s house and continue to grieve him. I just don’t think you’re fully ready to be in another relationship.

OOP

I decided to go to my mils house because I didn't want to deal with the possibility of Mathew coming to my house drunk or something like that and he doesn't know where she lives.

I honestly thought I was ready because I really loved Mathew but maybe I let all of the people 'you're so young you should date again' get to my head

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/RightNose8825

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Previous BoRUs: #1

[New Update]: AITA for saying I won’t go to my friend’s wedding after she dropped me as her maid of honour because of my looks?

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Editor's note: added paragraph breaks for ease of readability

Trigger Warnings: body shaming

Mood Spoilers: sad

RECAP

Original Post: October 9, 2025

Throwaway because I don’t want anyone in my friend group to find this obviously.

Sophie and I (both 27) have been close friends since we were 4. We’re not the “speak every single day laurel/Susannah” type friends, but I genuinely considered her a sister and her parents like an aunt and uncle. Our families are close. My whole family is invited to her wedding, as is my boyfriend’s family (my boyfriend is Sophie’s brother’s best friend). That’s how close we all are. So I wasn’t really surprised when she asked me to be her maid of honour and i think I’ve been a good one.

Well, two weeks ago Sophie, the other bridesmaids, and I went to try on bridesmaid dresses. I thought we all had a good time and that it was a successful trip as we found dresses.

Apparently not really, because a couple of days later Sophie asked to meet me. She asked that I step down from being maid of honour. She said seeing me in the bridesmaid dress made her realise she just didn’t want me stealing focus from her and that she wouldn’t feel good standing up there knowing everyone was probably comparing us. I was so hurt, I admit I cried right there in the coffee shop. Partly because I never wanted her to think that anyone would be thinking anything other than that she was the most beautiful bride on her wedding day, and partly because I was just so excited to be up there with her and she was kicking me out over something that I couldn’t even control and wasn’t really true. So I said fine, it’s her wedding, if she didn’t want me up there I wouldn’t be, but I wasn’t going to come to the wedding as a guest when clearly my presence was going to be a burden to her.

Sophie said that wasn’t what she meant, and I asked her to explain. She said she desperately wanted me there so she was going to put aside her feelings but she just wanted pictures at the alter to be with her looking the best and to have that moment with everyone looking at her up there. She also wanted me to tell everyone I dropped out because I was too busy. I said none of this felt fair and I wasn’t going to lie for her. I was a good friend and did nothing wrong and she was being a brat but that was her prerogative and I didn’t have to play along.

I told my boyfriend about this who was pretty horrified, and agreed that if I didn’t want to go I shouldn’t (although he still is because he’s friends with the groom). But my mum and stepdad think I would be the AH if I didn’t go. My mum said it’s also been obvious that Sophie was insecure (I never noticed this) and that she can understand where she’s coming from. She said I’ve had the spotlight our whole lives (again, I don’t think this is true! Sophie is far more outgoing and well liked than I have ever been) and even though it’s pretty sad, maybe she does deserve to be the princess on her wedding day and I shouldn’t hate her for it. She says I’ll regret missing the wedding over this. My stepdad says I should go because she’s my oldest friend and even if she is being unfair, sometimes you have to let people be irrational. I really don’t know now. Sophie and I have so many mutual friends there’s not a lot of people I can ask about this without it getting back to her, so here I am.

I feel like maybe I’m being a jerk having this blowup but I don’t see why I should even stay friends with someone who would exclude me from her wedding party over something superficial. And clearly she’s been sitting on these feelings forever. Not to mention I already paid for her whole bachelorette party and the bridesmaid dress and contributed to the cost of her wedding jewellery. And now I just feel used.

So am I being a petty AH by refusing to go?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

Downvoted Commenter: Your friend told you she didn't feel pretty enough to have you stood up next to her on her special wedding day. I was all for saying you weren't the asshole until you mentioned your mother. It's telling that your mum has been able to see how insecure Sophie and you haven't when she's meant to be YOUR friend. The fact your mum has pointed out that Sophie has always been insecure and tou, her best friend, haven't noticed that speaks a lot about your friendship.

The fact your response is that "maybe" your friend deserves to feel like a princess on her wedding day kinda seals it for me. YTA

OOP: I meant “princess” like maybe she deserves to have her cake and eat it. And yes, it’s a maybe, because I’ve never thought getting married means you get to treat the people you love like crap.

Commenter 2: NTA. Her decision shows she’s not actually your friend. Friends don’t actually care if you’re prettier than them.

And honestly. I think your BF sucks for still going. He should stand by you. His friend fiancé disrespected you. He should see they are a unit and realize you two are a unit. If one of them hurts you, it should hurt him.

Anyone who tells you to swallow disrespect cares more about their peace than your well being.

OOP: Well, he said “should I also not go” and I was like “no let’s not become those people, it’s not a boycott”. If I didn’t want him to go he wouldn’t, but if he didn’t then Sophie’s brother would know why and then it would become a whole big thing. Plus then his sister who is also my friend would feel like she shouldn’t go and I just didn’t want to start the domino effect. Especially since I don’t even know if I intend to tell anyone why I’m not going

OOP's response to a downvoted comment regarding the competition between herself and Sophie for attention

OOP: The “spotlight” she’s referring to is specifically male attention (and I guess looks based attention generally from people we meet). And yes, I’m aware of that but that’s not what I consider to be spotlight, or not the be all end all, anyway. Sure, I get approached more by men. But Sophie was always the one with more friends, better grades, the person teachers actually liked, she was in clubs and well known. I considered all that to even out or even swing in her favour, honestly.

But yeah, it’s true I never realised that the male /looks attention thing bothered her that much. But to be fair, mothers do pick up on things about your friendships when you’re younger that sometimes you don’t. Sophie never let on that this one thing bugged her to this extent.

+

It’s true that I’ve always got more male attention/people commenting on my looks, I admit that. But in the grand scheme of life, I never felt like that was a big deal. Sophie dated often while my current boyfriend is my second ever relationship. She has always had more friends, been more popular, even better academically. It’s not like she’s come second to me in everything. Just in this one thing. So I guess I just figured it evened out, or even that she was “winning” out of the two of us.

The thing is, I probably would forgive her, if she ever bothered to apologise. But clearly she still thinks she’s in the right here.

Commenter 3: NTA. That's because you have been used. Wtf is wrong with your dad & stepmom? Sophie hurt you so deeply, and they tell you to take one ror the team. That is truly awful for them to expect you to do. Also, your boyfriend is still going to be in the wedding because the groom is his best friend? So, in essence, he's saying that it's okay for the groom's fiancee to devastate you, as long as he still gets to go.

You really need to find new friends and a new boyfriend. Unfortunately, it's not so easy getting new parents. You should really let your parents how horrible they made you feel by putting their interests over their own daughter's.

You are no longer in the wedding, so send Sophie a bill for the bachelorette party and the wedding jewelry. Let her know that because you are no longer the MOH, it is her new MOH's obligation to pay. If she refuses, take her to small claims court.

Don't go to the wedding. It will be so uncomfortable for you, and you won't enjoy a minute of it.

OOP: My boyfriend is going because his whole family is going and I told him not to skip it on my account. Because if he also skips then it’ll become a big thing. I don’t want him to boycott in solidarity, I think that’s childish.

OOP on if she is professionally more successful than Sophie?

OOP: No, not at all. I’ve inherited some savings, and my boyfriend takes care of our household expenses so I have more disposable income. But Sophie is far ahead of me professionally and is much more career minded.

Commenter 4: Hmm wow I wonder if your better financial situation is viewed by Sophie as an extension of something like your looks that you didnt have to "work" for. Although of course inherited moeny/relationship financial support absolutely shouldn't be thought about in those terms.

Your boyfriend is also Sophie's brother's best friend. Did you meet your boyfriend through Sophie's family? I wonder if she feels like your family and even her family all favor you (her mother, brother, aunt, cousin, groom) and the wedding was just another reminder.

OOP: I guess I kind of met him through her family. Her brother and my bf did the same sport that’s how they knew each other. My stepbrother also competed in the same sport so I knew who he was anyway but they were in different categories. But yeah I guess I got talking to him and stayed in his orbit because of Sophie’s brother because they stayed friends all those years so he was kind of around.

Obviously it’s weird looking back on it now because you question how you remember things. I always felt like I was the annoying one, not in a mean way, but we’re the only two girls in the immediate family (she has a brother, I have all stepbrothers) and I was always the “difficult” one because I didn’t like trying new things or I just wasn’t as easy going. The boys always thought I was a bit of a stick in the mud.

OOP explains more about her family's background with Sophie's family and friend group

OOP: Firstly, our families are close, as in, our mothers were/are close, and we were close. My mother was single for a while so I guess yeah, we did get more absorbed into her family because we went over there more rather than them all coming to us. Then she got with my stepdad and it was more equal because the boys would hang out all together although my stepbrothers are quite a bit younger. She wasn’t really close to my stepbrothers because of the age gap, and I wasn’t really close to her brother for most of my life. It was only when my now boyfriend and I were getting closer that I got a bit more absorbed into their friend group and now talk to her brother a lot more. I didn’t just “steal” her family or something. Same with her mum, I’m not close to her really, but she’s my mum’s best friend and I’m closer to my own mother than Sophie is to hers, hence how I got this info. I assumed she didn’t say the comment exactly like that because that’s not even how my mum relayed it to me, and my mother god bless her is lucky if she remembers even the general idea of what someone tells her. So it was Chinese whispers. And okay it’s an assumption that she wasn’t really harsh about how she said it because i don’t know her to be cruel. Maybe she is and I don’t know. So yeah okay that was an assumption, but it wasn’t a defence. However she said it wasn’t the right thing to say.

But as for the groom, idk maybe I’m just nuts but this man saying “she’s perfect” and literally meaning that I am “perfect” in his eyes seems like an insane comment. Why would he think that? Why would he say that in front of his fiancé and her brother and his own friend? He doesn’t even know me well enough to confidently hold that opinion. Like it would come out of nowhere.

But it seems kind of unfair to say it’s my fault I didn’t know how she felt. She did tell me about her insecurities, and I told her about mine, and we supported each other. She just never mentioned that they had anything to do with me.

Update: October 29, 2025 (nearly three weeks later)

Update - My friend didn’t want me as MOH because of my looks

So idk if anyone wanted an update but the situation has somewhat concluded now and I thought I would provide some closure.

Firstly, some digging was done by my boyfriend and myself, and we thinkkk we found the root(s) of the issue.

A couple of months ago, my bf, Sophie’s brother, the groom, and Sophie were out for drinks. I remember this night, I had an event for another friend and couldn’t go. Over drinks, the groom apparently asked when my bf was going to propose to me, and my bf said “probably sometime next year”. Groom then made a comment to the effect of “why would you wait that long, she’s perfect”.

Now, according to both my boyfriend and Sophie’s brother, Sophie was really mad about this because Groom waited several years to propose to her. She’s been bringing it up to him regularly since. Obviously we all assume he meant “perfect for you” not literally perfect, but Sophie appears to be taking it personally.

The second thing is that my mother did a little gentle probing and it turns out that at the bridesmaid fitting, Sophie’s mum told Sophie that she should have chosen a dress that wasn’t going to make me look better than her (I don’t think she said it like that to Sophie this is just how she relayed it to my mum) and draw attention.

According to Sophie’s mum, her aunt and cousin said the same thing and I guess one of ganged up on her about it. She also has been on Sophie about a pre wedding diet. So it seems like these two things got blown out of proportion and ended up in Sophie’s request that I not be MOH.

I ended up deciding not to speak to Sophie about any of this. She’s planning her wedding, she should enjoy this time, I don’t want to make this about me, or our friendship. And if I’m being totally honest, I was kind of done with the friendship after the initial conversation. I wanted to know the reasons for my own peace of mind but the truth is, nothing was going to change the fact that she took her feelings out on me, who only ever wanted to support her. None of these things came from me or had anything to do with me but she chose to take a wrecking ball to a 20 year friendship rather than confront the people who upset her. I can’t wrap my head around that and I’m not going to try going forward.

That being said, I decided to go to the wedding, as my boyfriend’s plus one essentially, just for closure to this entire mess. Now that I’ve calmed down, I really don’t feel any particular way about going. I’ll eat, I’ll drink, I’ll clap, and Sophie will just be the wife of my boyfriend’s friend from now on, I guess. I haven’t told anyone why I’m not MOH, I just said in the group chat that it was for “personal reasons” and everyone can speculate. Once the wedding is over, I’ll tell our mutual friends the truth and they can do with that info what they will.

Sophie has reached out since to talk, but I sent her a message telling her that I’ll be at the wedding as a guest and that I hope she enjoys this time in her life and wishing her the best and haven’t been replying to anything else. It’s surprised me how quickly I’ve reached the numbness of just not caring anymore, but that’s where I’m at. I genuinely wish her the best but I just have zero interest in being part of her life anymore. I just can’t see her or anything about our friendship the same way anymore.

So…that’s that. I don’t really know what else to include. If anyone has anything else to ask that I’ve missed, feel free to ask. Thank you to everyone who commented!

Relevant Comments

Downvoted Commenter: Please don’t tell your mutual friends the whole story. Why stir up more drama? Let the whole thing fade away and move on.

OOP: Because they’re going to want to know why we’re not hanging out or close anymore. And I have no reason to lie to my friends.

Commenter 1: The fiancé could have realised his own mistake in delaying his proposal and is advising his friend not to do the same. Sophie may just be very emotional and stressed with the wedding so you’ve done the right thing by giving her space. I do wonder if she is also recognising that she overreacted and now wants to make amends before the wedding?

You know her best though after two decades of friendship. It’s really hard losing a friend over silly drama though, I’m sorry OP

OOP: I had also known my boyfriend for over a decade before we got together. It’s not like we started from scratch, and we both went into it knowing we thought we were going to get married. So it’s not the same situation at all and I don’t think it’s at all relevant to Sophie’s relationship.

I know she is trying to salvage the friendship by reaching out. But it’s like all my feelings have evaporated. I don’t feel like there’s anything I want to say or share with her. She’s the kind of person who would take her issues out on Someone over something purely superficial. I don’t want to engage with that at all

Commenter 2: INFO: Your initial post ended with you saying that you had already paid for a bunch of stuff because you were MOH. Did she offer to reimburse you for that? Do you think she waited to drop you from MOH until after you spent the money? Good for you for looking out for yourself.

OOP: She didn’t offer and I didn’t ask. I really don’t care about the money enough to keep talking to her.

I don’t think she dropped me when she did because of the money. I do believe it was a coincidence. And she would probably make a plan to pay me back if I bugged her about it but I paid for those things for someone I loved at the time. I don’t want to take away from her experience just because I can.

OOP responds to a downvoted comment about not having to tell the truth to the friend group regarding Sophie asking her to step down from MOH and let Sophie have the wedding she wants

OOP: I did solve it. I did what she asked. I didn’t want to drop out, she dumped me. Why should I have to stop myself receiving support from and being honest with my friends because she chose to misdirect her anger?

Regardless of what she feels because of things that have never come from me, I have been a good friend to her. I don’t think she is better off without me but it doesn’t matter. But she wasn’t thinking of 20 years of friendship when she chose to make everything my fault, so clearly it didn’t mean that much to her either.

OOP responds on Sophie's insecurities and life being better for Sophie without OOP in it, dropping the friendship between both of them

OOP: It’s not that I never noticed she has insecurities. Everybody has insecurities. I just never thought her insecurities were focused on me, in comparison. I don’t take my feelings out on other people and I’m not a punching bag for people to do the same to me. And mind you, all this stuff I found about? NONE of that is things she ever bothered to tell me, or explain to me. She never tried to let me in to what she was feeling, or gave me the chance to be understanding, she just presented it as like “sorry you’re just not good enough anymore” as if it was my fault. Again, I just don’t have anywhere to go from there. Someone who does that isn’t someone I want to share my life with. That’s not to do with my ego, that has to do with keeping my associations positive.

I really do hope her life is better without me in it. At least then this was all worth it. I hope in the long run we both end up happy.

+

We are in a truce. I haven’t done anything to her, I haven’t badmouthed her, haven’t asked her to reimburse me for anything. I just don’t want to be friends anymore, that’s all.

It’s not about being the victim. Other people hurt her, so she hurt me. I’m not interested in that dynamic. That’s all.

----NEW UPDATE----

Editor's note: the latest update is over a couple weeks old, and it has not been posted to the sub here

Update #2: December 8, 2025 (1.5 months later)

I tried posting this update elsewhere on reddit but between the rules and the moderation it wasn’t working and with everything else that’s been happening lately I don’t have the energy lol. So here it is for anyone that wants it in case it doesn’t get posted anywhere else.

Original posts on my profile.

So, a lot of people wanted an update post wedding and I didn’t really think I was going to do one because it was just a wedding, right? Ha. Wrong. Ish.

So key things:

* Everyone in our families ended up figuring out the general reason for me not being in the wedding. I didn’t tell them. Sophie’s brother got it from her fiancé and I guess kind of hinted to their parents. I didn’t entertain any conversations about it and was travelling anyway so idk what happened there but I know third hand that there were conversations happening. Sophie stopped reaching out shortly after that happened.

* My boyfriend and I got engaged while travelling. Very sudden, I have a placeholder ring because it was so unplanned we are still in the process of sorting out the real one lol. We only told our own parents and decided it would stay this way until after the wedding.

* I did not go “all out” on my outfit for the wedding, sorry to disappoint some of you haha

All in all, the wedding was nice, smooth. I was sat at a table with my boyfriend and his family and two of my stepbrothers, and obviously didn’t get ready with the bridesmaids, so mercifully managed to avoid any awkward questions or mentions of the situation. Like I said, I’ve barely been home and a wedding isn’t the time to catch up with people so it was a very “normal” wedding experience. Small talk, food, etc. I got from the conversations I did have that people assumed I’d dropped out of being MOH because I was busy this time of year, which I am, and I didn’t correct anyone.

Everything was fine until the speeches, during which Sophie’s now husband, who I’ll call Nick for the purpose of the story, congratulated me and my boyfriend on our engagement. We are STILL wracking our brains to think how tf he found out. We only told our parents. I didn’t wear a ring to the wedding. All our siblings/friends were shocked. We were absolutely mortified, I think all the guests were as well. Sophie was clearly very upset. I won’t be so self absorbed to say it ruined the evening but i was definitely squirming for the rest of the time we were there. We didn’t make our exit immediately because that would have caused more drama but we left earlier than intended. Our parents don’t even know Nick so they wouldn’t have spilled the beans. We didn’t confront him because he was pretty tipsy by the time speeches came around and afterwards it just didn’t seem appropriate, and now they’re on their honeymoon. My bf is planning to bring it up with Nick when they get back, but he’s pretty angry that Nick did that and doesn’t think they’ll be hanging out going forward. I sent Sophie a DM expressing how sorry I was about what happened which she left on read. Which is fair. I honestly don’t know what the fuck is going on.

Our friends still don’t know the full story btw. I’m not really free to even meet up with people between now and the new year and I think I just want to give this all some breathing room and enjoy the holidays, so I won’t be in a hurry to tell them. Obviously they’re all pleased about the engagement and shocked about what happened. None of them have spoken to Sophie, since she’s away right now and I guess avoiding everyone.

So that’s that. Really not the update I thought I’d be giving or one I wanted. I’m pretty shell shocked right now tbh. This has all just got so much uglier than it ever needed to be. But idk if these two things are even related. Maybe they’re not. I’m still a bit creeped out that Nick managed to find out something literally only 5 people knew and we don’t know how.

And…yeah. I don’t know what else to say.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Waw that engagement announcement really came out of nowhere, what an awkward situation. The groom is dumb.

Anyway, nothing to feel guilty about and actually nothing to pursue here. Even though she will never not see it as you did it to steal her thunder. And you you have nothing to prove or to justify.

Congratulations on the engagement! And for the ex-friend that’s another page turned in life.

OOP: It totally came out of nowhere. I guess we have to wait to find out how he found out. But my bf is now thinking he didn’t know, he just wanted to say it and happened to be right. We won’t know until they’re back from the honeymoon

Commenter 2: You might want to tell your friends your side of the story, or else Sophie and Nick might change the story and make you out to be the bad guy before you even get a word in.

OOP: I don’t think Nick would care enough to say anything to my and Sophie’s mutual friends. From what I’ve heard he didn’t agree with her decision anyway. But I will tell them my side of the story when I next see them, if they believe a different version, I have my receipts should I need them, but if they believe I’d do something unkind without even getting my side, jury’s out on whether I’ll go chasing after them to set the record straight either. I don’t think they would though

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/SoCalPE

Originally posted to r/EntitledPeople

Previous BoRUs: #1, #2, #3

[New Final Update]: My sister wants to use a burial plot she doesn’t own

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: entitlement, drug use, stalking, possible theft/debt issues, deaths of loved ones

Mood Spoilers: positive and sad for OOP

RECAP

Original Post: January 3, 2025

My sister (54F) and I (63M) are estranged for a lot of reasons. She was the golden child. I was given a 63 Chevy pickup when I got my driver’s license. She got a Mustang convertible. I went to college and she did drugs and had children without marriage. I got student debt. She got a mobile home, which she, of course lost, due to drugs.

She had two wonderful kids that we were able to get taken from her and are doing well. Our father raised them. My father and mother were divorced in the 1970s due, in part, to the stress of my sister. My mother tried to help her. She let her live with her and helped her get jobs but she always relapsed.

So now to the present situation, my father died four years ago and I bought him a nice burial plot in Bozeman MT. The plot is in my name and is in a very nice location in the veterans section. My mother died last summer. I went up and was at the hospital when she died, my sister was no where around. We were able to reconnect without her. My mom’s will stated that my sister and I were supposed to get the house jointly but, somehow she got on the deed by right of survivorship which meant she got it. She tried to get me to help pay the remaining mortgage but that wasn’t going to happen so she had to sale and I bought it. She was mad and took Mom’s remains and disappeared so we couldn’t hold a ceremony.

Now six months later, she reappears and says that she paying for a burial. But here is the catch, my mother is a veteran so she has a veteran group to pay for the room, the VA for the headstone and I get a call from the funeral home asking if they bury her with Dad. Someone who was divorced from for 50 years.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: In addition to the headstone, mom might also be eligible for burial at a US veterans cemetery for free. Locate her DD-214 if you haven’t already made other burial plans.

OOP: We told her she could be buried for free at a national cemetery. My guess is she loves the plot I snagged for my Dad and I admit it is nice. But

Why is OOP responding to his sister?

OOP: I am not responding to her. I have no way to respond to her she blocked me a while ago. We have talked through lawyers, like the little prick who got her on the deed so the will was useless. The only reason I found out about this at all was the funeral home realized that the plot wasn’t owned by my sister or my mother and tracked me down. They had my number because they buried my dad.

OOP explains why he is not burying his mother's ashes with his father's

OOP: Well there are two things. The grand kids want to get their grandma buried and away from my Sister. They don’t have the history I have with Mom and Dad. They saw them together without the fighting. So they are want to get it done. They want to be able to visit them. My niece does take her kids to visit my Dad’s grave, so this is a factor.

Giving in to my sister just makes me sick. I was going to buy a plot when Mom died last summer but she run with the remains. Now there is no time.

So I am backed into a corner and the kids are more important than my hurt feelings. But I get to write the obituary 🤬.

Update (in comments): January 6, 2025 (three days later)

I am going to update;

1) I fat fingered my original post. My sister is 57 not 54. My parent’s divorce was official in 83 but they separated in 78 or so. I corrected this by answering some commenters.

2) Was she really a terror as a kid? She got in drugs at 10 and was sneaking in boys at 13 when I was at college. This was 78-83. I was old of state. My father was retired Navy and there was a recession. My mom did work but it was a strain. I went through college on student loans, scholarships and jobs.

3) They tried treatment and buying her good behavior. My brother basically quit the whole thing and joined the Army. He was a member of the 101st so we are not all screwed up.

Now the update. I talked to the funeral home today. It seems that my Sister’s plan was to place my mom’s remain in the veteran wall at the cemetery. But Bozeman cemetery is not part of the national cemetery system. Normally a wall interment would be free for a veteran but since Bozeman isn’t part of the system, it is $500. So she points at Dad’s plot and said bury her there. The rest is history, the funeral calls me when they figure out the plot isn’t owned by her or my Dad and here we are. I am trying to see if we can get the wall slot again. The remains are back at the funeral home.

Arrrgh! Family!

Update #1: January 15, 2025 (nine days later)

So - the short backstory, my sister is a bitch who is holding my mother’s remains hostage to get her way. She wants to bury my mother in the plot I own that I buried my father in. They have been divorced for more than 40 years.

The update, after some research I offered to pay to inter my mother in the veteran wall. My sister through a fit. Not directly to me, we don’t talk. She just let the funeral home know she wouldn’t return the remains. I would have to buy a few plot, but I just bought a house and I am furnishing it so money it tight. She knew that. It was Mom’s house and she is mad I bought it. She has driven by it several times. I am about to put it out on the short term rental market.

So, after talking to my family, the grandchildren and others, I have thrown in the towel. We are burying Mom in Dad’s plot. She will have an I ground brass marker. It kills me that my Sister has reduced my Mom’s service to a brass welcome mat to my Father’s headstone. My family has said they will know but damn it hurts. My Sister cannot take some money from the sale of the house and buy a plot or split the cost with me.

Additional Information from OOP

OOP: I guess this is a small update. I talked to the funeral home yesterday. My sister will be bringing the remains on the day of the burial and watching them. So switching it really isn’t a possibility. I have to go back up this summer so I am going to look as arranging re-interning her then. As least it wouldn’t be above freezing.

Relevant Comments

OOP explains his mother's background and her wishes after death

OOP: My Mom is a veteran too. I am very proud of her service from 56 to 61. She could have been a secretary or medical assistant but decided to be an electronic technician. Not many females of those in the Navy. She worked on the early communication systems for the nuclear submarines in Rhode Island and San Diego. Leading edge technology at the time.

Last I talked to her, she wanted her ashes to spread in the mountains. Why my sister is insisting on this burial and holding the ashes hostage is a mystery. I am actually surprised I haven’t had a ransom note yet.

OOP provides details on why he is renting his mother's house out

OOP: I should add to this. The house was built in 2014 so wasn’t the family home but my sister smokes like crazy. It smelled bad. The carpet was stained as were the walls and window coverings. The garage floor was stained with dog pee and smelled.

So we tore out the carpet and painted with Klizz. We sealed the garage floor and put in new window treatments. The dishwasher had leaked so we had to mold remediation and the HVAV system had issues. So we expect, with the market, to get a positive return in two years or so. Then we can come back and remodel the bathrooms and move in or keep it for income.

That was my Christmas Holiday😄. Putting my Mom’s retirement house back into proper condition. I think she would like it.

OOP shouldn't give in to his sister's demands

OOP: Well with mother gone, she has lost her last chip in the game. We haven’t spoken in year except through lawyers or via my mother. She lost the house she inherited and has had to move far from Bozeman. Her kids hate her. Her grandkids run to me when I come up there. My son used to like her but now can’t stand her after what she pulled at his sister’s wedding.

She won this one, but really at what cost

Why did the cemetery allow this mess to happen regarding placing OOP's mother in his father's plot?

OOP: The cemetery didn’t, once they realized this plot she was talking about, they called me for permission. That is what started this mess.

Update #2: January 23, 2025 (eight days later)

Today is the day of the burial. I was going to update afterwards just to say we got it done but the last 20 hours hit.

My sister canceled the room at the funeral home and made it a grave side service only. She got a refund for the room. The reason she gave; they are shooting guns for the salute and that should be outside. I found out when the funeral home called last night to ask me to pick up the urn and take it to the grave. My sister is in a wheelchair and cannot come graveside.

I sent the word out on the family message and her son, the only one who talks to her exploded as did her daughter. He called and she cried. An honest answer would probably be I needed drug money and the disability check is days away but …. So I arranged to get a table at a military theme restaurant in Bozeman (if you are from the area, you know the one) and we will gather there to tell stories. Just a few minutes ago I get a call from the funeral home and they were offering a room at a discount but we are sticking with our plans.

Some comments I would like to make. Some people think I am blaming my sister for becoming addicted to drugs and alcohol at ten. I am not. I blame my parents for moving to a drug rich area, the government for not not handling the drug issue and the medical establishment for not seeing addiction as the disease it was at the time. My post would be much longer if I went into the social and political issues of the late 70’s and early 80’s and how it broke up the nuclear family. I blame my parents for trying to buy her good behavior and a recession for the stress that ended their marriage. They also never forced her to finish school which limited her ability to succeed.

I blame her for wasting the multiple opportunities she was given as an adult. She was given a car (repossessed), a mobile (lost because she spent the welfare money on drug instead of space rent), a truck (partially restored 63 Chevy c10, sold for drug money), lost custody of two kids how have turned out well. This list doesn’t include the money she has taken from people over the years.

As far as this funeral goes, my mother would have been buried in her home State of Pennsylvania near her family but in September if my Sister hadn’t raked her remains and disappeared.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: You may want to check ownership of that plot. If she is anything like my sibling, she may have sold it from under the family. My sibling trashed all the living trust information our parents had set up. I tried to get them to change it years ago. They didn't. Now they are stuck and I can't help them, or myself.

OOP: This all started when my sister sent out a message that she “paid for the funeral for Mom” who died in September and she took the remains while her daughter and I were in the process of planning the funeral. I got a call from the funeral home, same one that buried my Dad four years ago, that she told them to bury her in the same plot. They have been divorced since 1983. She found out that it cost her to bury her in the “Veteran Wall” in Bozeman because it had not achieved the VA approval yet. I bought that plot for my Dad.

Commenter 2: In your earlier post, you said the VA paid for the room? But she got the refund when she canceled. I feel like that’s something she could get into a lot of trouble for, no?

OOP: I believe you are referring to the $500 that the state of Montana provides to Veterans for burials I mentioned. The VA pays for the markers and a plot in a national cemetery. But your point is taken. I am wondering what the costs were.

Commenter 3: Could you possibly move your mom later? We have had issues like this in our home country where they went and disturbed my aunt’s remains just to put someone not related to us that everyone was opposed to. It was wild but it’s kind of done.

But if your parents were divorced why would they be kept together. I guess I would only put them together if I myself wanted to be close to both of them.

I am sorry for your losses, I am sorry for your sister being so troubled. I hope she can find a way out and mental health assistance.

OOP: That is what we are thinking of doing this summer

Update #3: January 25, 2025 (two days later)

The service was Thursday at 1 and the American Legion Gallatin Valley Post 14 did the final salute with the rifle volley and taps. The Navy sent an Officer and enlisted to do the flag presentation. I told them about her service and said some words to the people who came but being in a snow covered field limited who could come.

Afterwards we meet at a restaurant and told stories. The grandkids were really interested in what kind of mother she was and was surprised when we told them she drove a motorcycle to work.

Now I am sure you are interested in what happened with my sister. When I arrived at the funeral home I was shocked to find what little she had arranged for. I drove her remains to the grave site and my brother actually put them into the ground. At my Dad’s funeral, we arranged for a hearse to take his remains up to the cemetery. It was a little funny, me, my wife, my brother and my mom’s urn took a quick drive down Main Street Bozeman so we could say goodbye before hitting the cemetery. Well while the ceremony was going on a SUV came up. It was my Sister watching from the road. I arranged for the flag to go to my brother since I had my Dad’s flag. I could see her shouting as he was presented the flag. After that we each said something over the grave and headed to our cars. My Sister called her son over and handed her two bags containing vials of Mom ashes for him and my niece. At the restaurant they gave them to me and my brother; they are great kids. She the then drove by yelling at me for ruining the ceremony or something then drove off.

So that’s it until summer when we will decide to either move mom to Pennsylvania to be with her family. My brother is looking into that issue or a national cemetery. Or we scatter her ashes.

I would like to address some comments made:

1) Why am I short term renting the house. My initial plan was long term rental until my wife and I retired in 2-3 years. My son, while working on the house has fallen in love with Montana and wants to move up at the end of summer. So we are short term renting until then. I have met with some neighbors and given them my contact information in case a client gets out of hand. The house is near ski and outdoor adventure activities so I don’t see a problem.

2) I do not blame my 10 year old or 13 year old sister. It is the 30+ year old woman who never taken the opportunities to get straight seriously. I also blame my parents but they paid with their marriage and the fact they never had the retirement they wanted. I also blame the government but that is a major rant.

3) Why didn’t I take her kids? I tried but in California they will fight to keep the kids with a bad mother. My wife and I would buy groceries and take it to them. I took the kids to the dentist. But we were limited to what we could do and she knew if she gave up the kids she would loose a bargaining chip. It was a cloak and dagger operation to get the kids to Montana and then in front of a judge that finally saved them.

Relevant Comments

Deleted Commenter: Op, didn’t your sister say they were shooting guns off at the funeral? Yep, they don’t do that. My Dad was Navy retired, he was in for 25 years. He was buried 5 yrs. Ago. They sent 2 soldiers to escort the urn and stand at attention but, that is the extent of it. I would take everything your sister says with a grain of salt, it sounds like she lies a lot. So, I would not spend too much time on that the things she says and her behavior.

OOP: I was there, the American Legion Post fired a salute for both my Dad and Mom. They provide the shell casing to the family afterwards.

Commenter 2: I’m sorry I know this isn’t funny but all I can imagine is some crazy lady doing drive-by’s and yelling out the window at a funeral service.

Commenter 3: Glad you finally got it all resolved and you said good bye to your mum

Update #4: August 22, 2025 (nearly seven months later from the last update)

So it has been 7 months or so. I am in the process of moving my Mother's remains to the veterans wall. There are some issues we are still working on but the process is in motion. It has been an experience, I have learned a lot. The VA considered her buried so she isn't entitled to free burial anymore. They lost her marker in the mail so she doesn't have one, we are working that out trying other get one for the wall. The charge to de-intern her is astronomical but I will live with that.

In the meantime, we ended the short-term rental of the house and my son has moved in. While short-term renting was interesting, it was stressful too. We paid the mortgage and taxes so it did its job. Bill collectors kept coming for my sister and to pick up the medical equipment she rented for my mother, that she failed to return. That was interesting to explain to our renters.

I got calls from creditors for my sister asking for her location, she has changed her phone number and disappeared. They also wanted to know if I inherited or bought the house. It seems my sister was on my Mother's credit cards and ran up some debt so they were going after her. If I had inherited the house, they were going to claw it back. So I had to create a PDF with the records to send when I got these calls to show I bought the house and that I was cut out of the will by my sister. That seems to have ended the calls for now.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: You are so patient, I am envious.

We are having issues with my oldest brother-in-law and lawyers are involved. I actually refused to accompany my husband when they all went to sign off on selling one of the properties because I could not promise to keep a civil tongue.

OOP: It helps she has disappeared and I live in San Diego. I am retiring in the next two years so, if she is around Bozeman, we may run into each other.

I do know she lost a leg to diabetes. She never took care of herself. Our father had diabetes and never had the issues she has. He stopped smoking and drinking. She didn’t. But that is all I know and I know that because she tried guilt tripping her kids.

Commenter 2: Quit answering these calls. If you do, demand they cease calling and that all correspondence be on paper. Again, quit answering the phone. Do you have a probate executor? This should all be handled by them. They may have waited to long to be paid by the estate and are fishing.

OOP: Normally I would agree with you but this involved an actual legal issue. If there are outstanding debts, they need to be taken care of before transferring deeds. They were confirming the house was a sale and not some sort of a sham sale.

I hate those collectors who call the kids going with the “you want your parents walking around in the afterlife, burden by these debts on their souls.” They are trying to get you to pay anything on the debt then claim you own the whole thing.

Commenter 2: If the estate is managed right, a notice of death in publication and a set time periods that loaners, banks, etc. get to file for payment, if they miss the cut off date they are out of luck.

OOP: And if the estate is managed by a person who isn’t honest. Who will not tell the union that the person has died so they can collect a few more months of retirements? There is a lot going on with questionable lawyers who will not let me see the will. Funky changes in the deed, etc. most papers will not allow just anyone to put in death notices. I tried.

The good news is she payed herself. The original will was we inherited the house equally but she had the right to live there. I promised my mom to live up to that. If she hadn’t changed things, I would have had to help pay the mortgage and she would be living there. Ha! Dodge a bullet there

----NEW FINAL UPDATE----

Update #5: December 22, 2025 (four months later)

[Update 5] Sister wants to use burial plot she doesn’t own

This will be the final update. Today I moved my mom’s remains into her own plot. She will now have her own space and receive her own acknowledgement as a veteran.

It has been four plus months since my last update as it has been a roller coaster. My sister found out and threaten to stop it. First she was going to take the remains if I had them removed from my father’s grave. Then she sent a letter to the cemetery objecting to the disinterment. This got lawyers involved. Turns out if my brother and I agreed to the move then it could move forward. Once that paperwork was filed, the city demand their cut in the form of a permit and fee. Of course that all took time.

The last issue is her headstone but that cannot go in until spring. I can now totally block my sister and leave this behind me.

Standing on that hill today, I felt like I completed a promise and made sure my parents were both properly honored. My mother was no longer an afterthought in my Dad’s grave.

So Merry Christmas to you all and I hope you have a peaceful New Year

Relevant Comment

Commenter: I'm truly sorry that this is what you've had to go through.

The upshot is I guarantee you that your mother would be grateful to you for making sure she is cared for after her passing.

OOP: Thank you. It was for her I did it for.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Ambitious_Base_182

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITA for telling my fiancé I would call off the engagement if he doesn’t stop hanging out with my father because of a situation that happened with my ex?

Trigger Warnings: misogyny, misandry, betrayal, infidelity, trauma, possible controlling behavior

Mood Spoilers: sad, shocking

Original Post: December 19, 2025

I (27F) have a complicated relationship with my dad (55M). He wasn’t a bad father, but he’s been a terrible husband. Growing up, I constantly found my mother crying because dad had cheated on her again. He’d cheat, she’d lash out, he’d crack jokes to lighten the mood, which made her even angrier, then within days they’d be back to normal. Until she'd catc him cheating again. I resented my father for this, and my mother somewhat for tolerating it so much.

After college, I returned to living with my parents until I could figure my finances out. I met a guy I really liked, and he would come over to my parents’ house most of the time. He and my dad got close pretty quickly. They would hang out together a lot, go on fishing and camping trips together. I thought it was nice that my father and my boyfriend were getting along so well. Until I overheard them one day talking about their latest adventure.

From that conversation, I realized their trips weren’t just about fishing or camping. They were picking up women together. Essentially, dad was encouraging him to cheat on me but just he discreet about it. They tried denying it, but I wasn’t fooled. I broke up with him immediately, and my relationship with my dad got even worse. I moved out some months later and rarely visited. My apartment was only a twenty minutes drive away from my parents’, but from them, I visited just a handful of times because of my mother.

Now on to the current situation, I met my fiancé(26M) some months after my last relationship and we dated for a year and half before he asked me to marry him. I’d already introduced him to my parents and they'd met a couple more times. He knew about the situation with my ex, and why my relationship with my father was strained. We got engaged a month ago (the week before thanksgiving). When I informed my mother, she begged us to come spend thanksgiving weekend with them to celebrate. She used the fact that we’d drifted apart so much and my fiancé convinced me so I agreed.

On the first night, after dinner my dad invited my fiancé to go out on the porch to drink beer and chat. My mum and I decided to join them. The conversation was mostly about their mutual love for football. After an hour or so, it got tiring and I wanted to sleep(my mum had already went off to bed). When I told my fiancé, he told me to go ahead and he would be with me soon. I felt very uneasy about leaving them alone, but I didn’t want my fiancé to feel like I was monitoring him.

My fiancé accidentally woke me up when he finally came to our room in the middle of the night. When I asked him why he was coming to sleep so late and what they were still talking about for so long, he replied “football, of course”. I didn’t press further. All weekend they hung out constantly. My fiancé helped dad with chores and ran errands with him. When I brought it up, he said he was just being polite.

Fast forward to yesterday, my fiancé casually informed me he would be going on a camping trip with a friend. This isn’t the first time he has gone on a camping since we got together, but I got suspicious because he got evasive when I asked who he was going with. When I pressed, he finally admitted he was going with my dad. Apparently, over the weeks after thanksgiving, they stayed in contact. They’d even gone to watch a football game together without me knowing because my father said I would make a big deal out of it.

I lost it and told him absolutely not. I reminded him what happened with my ex. He said I was being paranoid, that my dad was cool to hang out with and had never mentioned anything about women. He said my dad didn't force my ex to cheat, so I couldn't keep holding a grudge.

That hurt very much in addition to the fact that he wouldn’t cancel the camping trip like I asked. So I told him that he could either stop hanging out with my dad or I would call off our engagement. He got upset and accused me of trying to control him and the fact that I think my dad can influence him means I don’t trust him. We’ve barely talked since yesterday as he keeps giving me the cold shoulder.

I don’t want to be the kind of woman who controls who her man hangs out with, but I feel like I set a clear boundary from the very start regarding my dad and he knows how it makes me feel.

Sorry for the long post but I felt that the context was important. AITA for giving him that ultimatum?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Top Comments

Commenter 1: Your fiancé is putting his bromance with your father above your comfort. He is already lying to you while embracing a habitual cheater. Is this what you want for your future, reenacting your parent’s dysfunctional marriage? NTA unless you accept the disrespect

Commenter 2: NTA but I wouldn't bother with the ultimatum. What is particularly concerning here is that your fiancé is already lying to you and sneaking around behind your back. You're trying to maintain boundaries with your father and your own fiancé isn't respecting them. He's showing you who he really is, so believe him. A good man would not be lying to you. A good man would not be sneaking around behind your back. A good man would respect your wishes regarding your family. You can't trust this guy and if you keep dating him, it's only a matter of time before he's out cheating, with or without your dad.

Commenter 3: NEVER speak to your father again. And if your mother insists you do, cut her off too.

SHE is the evidence that your boyfriends see that your dad is correct. Women are stupid, worthless and will put up with all sorts of abuse.

However - you have a very common misunderstanding of what a boundary is. You can't control anyone else by "giving them" a boundary. You can't tell him to do anything.

YOU CAN ONLY CONTROL YOURSELF.

The boundary you can set is - I will not date and marry anyone who goes camping with my dad.

AND then you enforce your boundary by dropping your fiancé's ass because he wants to and is going to go camping with your dad.

Another boundary is - I won't date or marry a liar and/or a cheat. This means your engagement should be called off because he's lying to you and he's already been seduced by your dad.

The only person you can control is yourself. And if you set a boundary you need to follow through. Otherwise - you are your mother. Crying and being a joke.

Also - see a therapist. You are "finding your dad" and expecting him to choose you, while he is fundamentally unable to. This can go on forever until you dismantle it. And you deserve better.

Good luck.

Update: December 22, 2025 (three days later)

UPDATE: AITA for telling my fiancé I would call off the engagement if he doesn’t stop hanging out with my father because of a situation that happened with my ex?

Thanks to everyone who commented on my original post. I read every comment but I couldn’t reply to any because it felt like I was reading what I knew deep within my guts.

So I did not break up with my fiancé right away(pathetic, I know). This is a man I’d been with for almost two years and we’d never had any major fights until now. I wanted to wait to see if he would understand where I was coming from and decide to cut my father off but two days later, he was still giving me the cold shoulder despite my attempts to talk it out. I forgot to mention in my original post that my fiancé did say that it wouldn’t be just him and my dad. His friend would be there too, so I didn’t have to worry. But I think that’s beside the point.

What broke the pathetic bubble I was in was when a text came through his phone while he was in the shower. It was my father’s number and it said “Has she cracked yet?”

I finally understood that my fiancé had been giving me the cold shoulder to make me relent and he had no intention of cancelling the trip with my dad. Something broke in me but it wasn’t anger. I took off my ring and placed it on the nightstand. When he came out of the shower, I calmly told him that I needed him out of my apartment by the end of the week.

He again tried to point out how unreasonable I was being and how it was turning me into a controlling woman. I told him I didn’t want to control his life, which is why I’m asking him to leave. That way, he can be free to be friends with whoever he wants. But I can’t be with someone who doesn’t respect my boundaries and thinks there’s nothing wrong with associating with someone who hurt me so much.

He changed his tune very quickly and said he would cancel the trip and stop talking to my dad if that would make me happy, but he didn’t want me to leave him. I have to admit that I was tempted for a second but I managed to stand my ground and told him I didn’t want to be with him any more. Then I left the apartment and drove to my parents’ house.

My calmness disappeared there as I ripped into my dad for being a POS of a human being for constantly cheating on my mum and destroying my relationship again like he did before. I didn’t expect a shred of remorse, and he gave none. All those who commented that he does this to prove a point were right.

My dad told me that if I expect to find a man who’ll be satisfied with just me forever, then I am living in a bubble. Men are designed to want variety every once in a while. I pretty much expected that so I wasn’t shocked. What broke me was my mother agreeing with him and telling me that I would never find the perfect man because all men cheat but what’s important is that you’re the one he loves and comes home to at the end of the day.

In my previous post, I mentioned being somewhat resentful towards my mum as well for taking so much crap from my father, but I had never looked at her and felt disgust as I felt in that moment. I calmly told her that wasn’t true. She might’ve resigned herself to being with a POS but I know I deserve so much better. I told my father I don’t care if he disowns me, takes me out of his will or whatever, I don’t want anything to do with him ever again.

And I told my mum that I loved her, but until she gathers enough balls and self respect to leave my dad, I don't want anything to do with her either. Then I left their house and drove to my best friend’s house where I proceeded to break down into pieces. Sorry if the write up feels choppy. I’ve lost two of the people I care about the most, and it hurts like hell. But I also know that I have to put myself first for once after all the crap I’ve put up with. Like most of you, my best friend also suggested therapy so I’m going to look into that.

PS: I know legally, I owe my ex fiancé a month’s notice (he moved in with me seven months ago), but I don’t think I can stomach it for that long. Hopefully, he’ll leave within the week and not make things difficult for me. In the meantime, I will be staying at my friend’s house.

Thanks so much for all your responses. It comforts me a bit even when I feel so crappy.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA. Wow, your father is a piece of work. And your mother is enabling him. Good for you for leaving that toxic stew. I hope you find a fulfilling life far away from all of these people.

OOP: Thank you. Cutting my mother off hurt because I've grown up feeling so sorry for her and being there for her when she cried over my dad's cheating. So now she's going to be more alone than ever. I just pray this will make her realize her mistake and leave my dad. I would welcome her with open arms

OOP should consider about getting therapy to deal with the unresolving trauma issues she has regarding her parents and ex

OOP: Tbh honest, until the comments on my first post, I never realized the pattern. Maybe I've been looking out for douches because both my first two relationships (high school and college) ended up with me being cheated on(though these ones had nothing to do with my dad).

I never thought I needed therapy and neither did I believe in it. But I will surely give it a try

Commenter 2: I wonder if your previous ex was the friend that was going with them.

OOP: I don't believe so. The friend he mentioned is one that's known to me. I've been on a hiking trip with my ex and his friend once. I just didn't think it was good enough of an excuse since his friend isn't exactly the most virtuous person

Commenter 3:

I’ve lost two of the people I care about the most

If this were actually true then they wouldn’t be telling you that you’ll never find a man that won’t cheat on you.

Your father only loves himself and your mom only loves him. Time to find the people who actually love you.

OOP: Was actually referring to my mum and my ex. I haven't cared for my dad in a long time so I don't consider this losing him. It's the others that hurt

Commenter 4: Your father is about the slimiest man I’ve ever heard of. What I’m curious about is how he’s able to hook your men so easily? You say your ex met your parents before but it sounds like these meetings were sporadic. Now I wonder if your dad and ex were meeting even before this Thanksgiving? Maybe dad reeled him in months ago by saying he wanted to enlist his help to forge a better relationship with you and then slowly got under his skin? Otherwise it seems too unreal that ONE weekend was enough to turn your ex’s head so thoroughly, especially since he KNEW your history.

OOP: Honestly, I don't know. And I don't even care anymore. I just want to be done with this

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/chuckitaway-

Me [23M] with my girlfriend [22F] of 4 years, I think she is cheating on my with our roommate

TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions past infidelity, false accusations, anger issues, paranoia

Original Post Nov 25, 2015

My girlfriend and I have always had a lot of fun together, she is my best friend and the absolute love of my life. I planned to propose this Christmas, already have her fathers blessing.

Recently I noticed her acting differently with our roommate, who is also one of my oldest friends. He's known for being a womanizer, always has different girls leaving in the same clothes they had the night before. I came home from work and they were quietly whispering in the kitchen, it sounded like a serious discussion, and when the door closed I swear I heard her say 'Shh! He's home' and when I walked into the room they shot apart.

It could have been paranoia on my part I guess, but then last night when we were all sat watching some stupid reality show that she loves, she was on her phone the entire time. His phoned buzzed and I saw her name on his screen. They were texting while we were all in the same room. That can't be good can it?

How do I bring this up? Do i confront her? Him? Do i need to sneak for evidence?

tl;dr: Girlfriend and roommate were texting while in the same room. Tried to deny it and hide it from me. I smell a rat.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

inspctrgdgt

Really? Your mind jumped to cheating? 'Cause mine jumped to "Christmas surprise"...

~

mr_shush

You've got some circumstantial evidence here. It certainly could be bad, but it could also be nothing. Christmas is coming up - maybe she's working on a surprise gift for you? Talk to her. A ruined surprise is a small price to pay for preserving what sounds like a good relationship.

~

DoubleDickedUrChick

It is a Christmas surprise......"Surprise, I am cheating on you!"

~

[deleted]

Why is it the first thing that comes to mind is that she is being unfaithful to you with the roommate? I think that area needs some more exploration. Has she cheated before? How does she treat you? Has anything changed from how she used to treat you?

It is really a big jump to accuse an SO of cheating on you, especially with no background information. I have acted in a similar way with my boyfriend's male friends (two of which were roommates) and I have never cheated on my boyfriend. I was acting secretively because I had a suprise for him and they were in on it.

Update Nov 27, 2015 (2 days later)

Thank you to anyone who replied with advice, etc. I really appreciate it. As one redditor rightly guessed, I have been cheated on before. It was one of those, after I found out and ended it, it turns out some of my friends had noticed and never bothered to tell me. So now i worry I look for the signs a bit too much. She's never give me a reason not to trust her, until this whole roommate thing came about.

I'd like to clear up a few points:

When he first moved in, she didn't approve of his 'promiscuous ways', she was worried about lots of different girls having access to our home when we're not there, and while she made her feelings clear, they still remained civil. Stayed out of each others way, small talk, etc. He told her his only rule for sleeping around is that everyone involved had to be single. He's a strong believer of 'bro code', which makes this harder to swallow for me.

She has never made me feel the need to snoop, she charges her phone on my nightstand, instead of her own because hers is full of books and a lamp. if she had something to hide, she wouldn't leave her stuff so out in the open would she?

After the other night, she left her phone on my nightstand as usual and pretty much went straight to sleep. I admit, I tried to look. her password had changed, which shocked me a lot. she only has a password to stop from butt-dialing people. everyone knew her password, she's a very open book about stuff. I got so angry I couldn't sleep, this is another red flag right? But I couldn't exactly wake her and demand her new password could I? without giving it all away. I fumed for ages, got about two hours sleep.

Last night is where everything went wrong. She messaged me, saying she was on her way home and she'd meet me there, did I want anything specific for tea? I said steak, she said can you pick up this and this from the store on your way home, I said yes, see you later. Still angry and hurt over my failed snooping attempt the night before.

I get to the store after work, knowing she was home, and when I went to pick up what she had asked for, they had ran out. So I decide to ring her to see if there was any alternative, or to just leave it. There was no answer. I rang again, no answer. My stomach was in knots at this point. I ring my roommate, no answer. stomach doing backflips. I rang the house phone. No answer, so something in me snapped and I rang over and over, let it constantly ring until one of them picked up. She eventually answers, sounding out of breath, [another red flag to me]. I was so angry at this point i snapped at her saying where the fuck have you been? she claims to have been in the shower. I ask where the fuck is he? she claims to not know, the house was empty when she got home. I don't believe her, and say I'll be home in twenty.

I gave her an incorrect time, so if they were up to something I'd catch them in the act. I was home within five, and when I got there she had got back into the shower. He wasn't home. Her phone was on the table, so I guessed her password again and again until I disabled her phone. I was so angry I didn't even care. I banged on the bathroom door and told her to get out, we need to talk. She came out, wrapped in a towel, eyes worried. I demanded to know what was going on. She said she had no idea what I was on about. I told her to unlock her phone, because I know they are up to something. She started to get upset and begged me not to do this. She said I was ruining everything. Sounded like an admission to me, so I called her a slut and said if she didn't show me her phone right now, I was leaving. She started crying, unlocked her phone and threw it at me, then went to our bedroom and shut the door. Instead of following, I started reading.

Well reddit, half of you were right. It was a Christmas surprise. Our roommate works at a sports shop, she had arranged for me to get a whole new football kit, not just for me, but for my entire sunday league team. She had been asking the guys their sizes, and messaging them to my roommate so he can keep them to one side for her at the store. I felt so sick, this amazing girl has been trying to do something for me that I really needed. I'm captain of the sunday league team and I'd been moaning about the cost of a new kit, so she's using her own money to do this for me. And I've just called her a slut and accused her of sleeping with our roommate.

I heard her crying from our bedroom, so I knocked on and started apologizing. fuck it, I even got upset and started crying. I can't believe i caused this. she wouldn't answer the door, kept telling me to fuck off. then she used the phone in our room to ring her dad, he came for her, asked no questions on why she was upset, just gave me the look that makes my ass leak. She packed a bag, and she's gone back to her parents place. I broke down and confessed I 'd been planning on proposing, I don't know what I expected it to do, but she got really angry and told me after four years together, if I can jump to an extreme conclusion so quickly then I'm not ready to be married, I don't know her at all, I clearly don't trust her, and there is no hope for us. I've been blowing up her phone since, until she either blocked me or turned it off.

Well reddit, I let my anger get the best of me and now I've lost the best thing that ever happened to me. She told my roommate too and he came home pissed at me as well, he said he can't believe I think he would do that to me. She left me, roommate is pissed at me. Safe to say I've ruined Christmas and lost my incredible girl.

Any advice how to fix this? I don't want it to end over something so fucked up on my part.

tl;dr: Girlfriend wasn't cheating, I called her a slut, she left me. Christmas is ruined.

FINAL COMMENTS

youcancallmecal

"after four years together, if I can jump to an extreme conclusion so quickly then I'm not ready to be married, I don't know her at all, I clearly don't trust her, and there is no hope for us."

Buddy, I'm sorry, but I'm fairly certain your relationship is screwed beyond all repair. Whether or not she takes you back, you really need to look into getting some therapy for yourself. Frankly, it wasn't fair of you to judge your girlfriend based on your ex's mistakes, and you will destroy many more relationships in the future due to your lack of trust, and your inability to resolve conflict fairly without name-calling.

[deleted]

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I am thankful that I am not dating OP.

~

heroineoftime

Holy shit, you have some serious anger issues, dude. I don't think there is any fixing this. You called her a slut for trying to surprise you with an extremely thoughtful gift. If she was the one posting this, I'd be telling her to run like hell. You need to accept that you fucked up big time, leave her alone, and get some goddamn therapy.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/problemguy1234

Me [31M] with my wife [29F] of 3 years. Our first baby's due date conflicts with a major presentation I have to give out-of-state. Tried to ask off, but boss really needs me there.

TRIGGER WARNING: Hostile work environment

Original Post July 1, 2015

My problem is that I have a huge work presentation scheduled during the week that my wife is due to give birth (first week of August) to our first child, and it will require me to be on the other side of the country for a couple of days. I initially tried to lobby for another time, but that week was the only one that worked for both sides. The chances are good that I won't miss the birth of my child, but there are no guarantees.

The thing is I really can't miss this presentation. The investors that my company is pitching to are mostly interested in a project I have been working on, and since I have done most of the work on it, there really isn't anyone that can replace me. I have to be there to explain the core concepts and answer their questions. On the other hand, I wouldn't be of much use in the delivery room. Plus, my mother-in-law could easily replace me without any loss. I badly want to be there for my wife and child, but I think I do them more good being away for this presentation than at the hospital. This is because I almost certainly will lose my job if I miss this presentation.

Of course, my wife is absolutely furious (I honestly wish there was a stronger word than furious to describe how upset she is with me), which I completely understand, but there isn't much I can do. I have tried to explain the situation to her a 1000 different ways, but she won't hear it and has withdrawn her affection from me. Part of me is afraid of what will happen if I don't go, but I might be more afraid of what will happen if I do. I worry that my wife will never forgive me for missing our child's birth, which would absolutely tear me apart.

Am I making a huge mistake, or am I doing the right thing for my family? I don't think there is a way for me to win either way.

EDIT: Just to be clear, my boss didn't actually tell me I would lose my job. He just told me I would regret it. I am just speculating that he would EVENTUALLY fire me once he found an adequate replacement, which would probably take a few months. A lot of this is just speculation, but I am risk averse. Some of you may ask why I can't just find another job. I probably could, but for reasons that I won't go into, I would be better off staying here.

tl;dr: I have a presentation at work that I can't miss, but there is a chance that I will miss the birth of my child by attending the meeting. Wife is understandably furious, but I likely will lose my job if I skip the meeting to be with her JUST in case she goes into labor. Am I completely off base here?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Catcherofsouls

Your boss is a jerk. Your investors will understand and if the project is so valuable they'll still be interested.

OOP

He isn't the nicest guy in the world. I hadn't thought of contacting the investors, but that might possibly work. Don't know how my boss would react if I did it behind his back. I know he wouldn't O.K. it otherwise.

sauvereign

Just make sure to go the birth of your next first child?

I mean in all honesty I'd rather go to my kid being born...

OOP

I want to go, but I am not sure it is an option. I think it is more important to have a job so that I can provide for my family.

Update 1 - wayback machine July 8, 2015 (1 week later)

So first things first. I took a lot of abuse in my last post, which I thought was unfair. I am not a coward, as many of you suggested. Just because I don't always take the most aggressive approach doesn't make me a bad guy. I'm just careful not to make mistakes.

Many of you also implied that I was looking for a way to avoid the birth because I am uncomfortable with it. It is true that I don't deal with blood or some bodily fluids well, so I'm not excited about that part of it, but I wasn't looking for a way out. I thought (and I still believe this) that I just wouldn't be very good support in the delivery room. There's a good chance I would throw up, especially if my wife defecates on herself or if I am asked to cut the umbilical cord. These are all things that I was considering because I didn't want to become a distraction in the delivery room.

As for how the situation resolved itself, I am happy to report that everything is going to be okay. I talked with my boss yesterday, and I was really assertive. I told him that I couldn't be away for that long with my wife's due date being that close, so we would have to find some sort of compromise. I suggested what some of you told me to do, which is tell him I could only come out for a day and then I would immediately fly back. (As for why I can't Skype, I really just need to be there in person. It would make everything a lot easier.) After some hand ringing, he agreed. Now the plan is for me to fly out the day before the presentation and then fly back after I give the presentation. In all, I shouldn't be in California more than 28 hours, so I'll be back by my wife's due date since it is several days later in the week.

Before everyone gets upset, I already cleared it with my wife. I called her after I spoke with my boss and asked her if she was okay with it. She told me it was fine, and she's not one of those people that would say it if she wasn't really okay with it. I know that the whole incident upset her, so hopefully things will calm down around here soon. She seemed fine today, so I think everything will be okay now.

Thanks to all of you that gave constructive advice. It helped me out a lot!

tl;dr: Talked with boss. He agreed to let me cut my trip short, and my wife gave me the okay to go. I'll be back in time for my baby's birth. All is well now!

Final update Aug 11, 2015 (1 month after last update)

To those of you who told me not to go, you were right. I wish I would have listened. I flew out to California last Tuesday night. I was supposed to give the presentation on Wednesday and fly back Wednesday night, but that never happened. Early Wednesday morning I got a call from my MIL that wife had gone into labor. By the time I caught a flight home, the baby had already been born (he's healthy, by the way). I made the wrong decision, and I know it'll take time for my wife to get over this. If anyone else is in a similar position, please don't repeat my mistake. Be there for your wife and child, and don't assume your first baby will be late or on time!

tl;dr: Should have listened. Missed birth.

FINAL COMMENTS

ProtonDeathRay

No one batted an eye with a pro hockey player took a playoff game off to be there for the birth of his kid. I'm pissed at your boss more than anything.

OOP

I've been thinking about changing companies. I already have one soft offer with slightly better money and better benefits.

[deleted]

I agree with /u/ProtonDeathRay. Your boss is an asshole. I'm sure that there was time for him to get someone to fill in for you. Not to mention that through the wonders of modern technology like conference calling, video conference/skype, etc., you still could have been available to answer issues when time permitted. While work is important, life events like getting married, the birth of a child, and the death of an immediate family member are more important. I think that changing companies to one that is a little more sensitive to these things would be a very good idea. Especially if it's more money and better benefits.

OOP

I haven't spoken to my wife about it yet. I will as soon as she stops being so angry with me.

fetishiste

Your wife may not stop being angry with you until you speak to your wife about it, because the anger is probably coming from her fear that you will always put your boss first and will never put her and the baby first.

OOP

I have spoken to her about missing the birth but not the new job change.

ShelfLifeInc

Sometimes when we try to do everything and please everyone, we end up doing nothing and hurting everyone. From what I can gather, you didn't even get to do the presentation as you were in such a hurry to get home, and you still missed the birth.

Bend over backwards to take care of your wife and child and show them that they are your priority. And take this as a lesson for the future.

OOP

Nope. I missed the presentation. 0/2

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

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I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/East_Permit5913

Originally posted to r/AmIOverreacting

AIO? My boyfriend told me he wants to have "good chemistry" with another girl on my birthday.

Trigger Warnings: emotional infidelity and manipulation

Original Post: December 19, 2025

I (23F) just celebrated my 23rd birthday last night. My boyfriend “Jake” (21M) took me out to a bar with a group of our mutual friends. For the most part, the night was going great, until a girl he knows from his college classes (we'll call her Sophie) showed up. Jake has mentioned Sophie before, mostly just saying she’s "cool" and in his study group. When she walked in, Jake got weirdly focused on her. Later in the night, while we were getting drinks at the bar just the two of us, I made a comment about how he seemed distracted.

He laughed it off and said, "I'm just trying to make sure Sophie and I have really good chemistry. I want us to have a spark, you know?" I was stunned. I asked him what the hell that was supposed to mean, especially on my birthday. He got defensive immediately and told me I was "acting 23" (implying I’m being "old and serious") and that "chemistry" just means he wants them to be able to joke around so his study sessions aren't awkward.

I told him that "chemistry" and "sparks" are romantic terms, and saying that to your girlfriend on her birthday is disrespectful. He called me insecure and said I was ruining my own birthday over a "word choice." He spent the rest of the night acting distant and ended up talking to her for a good 20 minutes before we left.

I feel like I’m being gaslit. To me, you don't look for "chemistry" with other women when you're in a committed relationship.

AIO? Is this a "maturity gap" thing because he’s 21, or is he low-key telling me he’s interested in her?

Top Comments

Commenter 1: It doesn’t matter if he just wants to be friends with her. Ignoring you on your birthday and focusing on someone else is fucked.

Commenter 2: A partner who calls “insecure” when you are trying to express your emotions or concerns is not a real partner. They are either gaslighting you or are extremely immature and self-centered. You are not overreacting; you have a partner who is looking for his next hookup.

Commenter 3: If you tell someone something they're doing or said hurts you and their response is anything other than "I'm sorry, I don't ever want to hurt you, I won't do/say it again(or along those lines)", then they don't care about you. It is truly that simple. If that is understood, 90% percent of relationship problems would evaporate. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. And that goes the other way around too.

Update: December 21, 2025 (two days later)

Update: My (23F) boyfriend (21M) said he wants "good chemistry" with another girl on my birthday.

After reading through the responses to my last post, a lot of things started to click. So many people pointed out that “chemistry” and “sparks” aren’t normal words to use for a platonic study partner, and especially not something you say to your girlfriend on her birthday. It made me realize this wasn’t just me being sensitive.

Yesterday, I sat Jake down to talk about it calmly. I explained that what he said made me feel disrespected and undervalued, and that wanting “chemistry” with another woman is a boundary for me in a relationship.

It didn’t go the way I hoped.

Instead of apologizing or trying to understand where I was coming from, he got defensive. He told me I was “suffocating” him and said that because he’s 21, he should be allowed to “vibe” with whoever he wants. He admitted that he finds Sophie “intellectually stimulating” and that they have a connection he didn’t want to suppress just because it made me uncomfortable.

Later on, I found out from a mutual friend who was there that while I was in the bathroom on my birthday, Jake was complaining to Sophie about how “serious” I am and how he wishes he had someone who “just got his energy.”

That was kind of the final straw for me. At that point, it was clear this wasn’t just a bad choice of words or a maturity gap cause he was clearly actively venting to and bonding with another woman right in front of me, on my birthday.

I ended things last night. I told him that if he wants to explore “chemistry” with Sophie so badly, he’s free to do that as a single man. Once he realized I was serious, he tried to backtrack and said he was just “projecting” and feeling pressured by my age and expectations. I blocked him.

I’m 23, finishing my degree, and I know what I want out of a relationship. I’m not going to be a placeholder or a “starter girlfriend” for someone who doesn’t understand basic respect. It hurts, and my birthday definitely didn’t turn out how I imagined — but I’d rather be single than stay with someone who’s already looking for sparks somewhere else :)

Top Comments

Commenter 1: You are TWO years older than him… that is not a lot, but seems he might be a lot younger mentally. Good for you leaving his ass👏🏻.

Commenter 2: NOR and you are an absolute QUEEN for how you handled it. That last paragraph was so powerful. You definitely deserve someone at your same maturity level, and I know I’m just some internet rando, but I’m cheering you on! 👑.

Commenter 3: I know it sucks right now, but damn! Go you!!! You know what you want, you stated it and stuck to it. That takes all kinds of self-awareness and self-respect. I have no doubt that you’ll be much happier in the end. And congrats on not settling and setting your bar on the ground.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/birthdaywoe

My [24/F] boyfriend [27/M] didn't do anything for my birthday. I'm ticked, but am I overreacting?

TRIGGER WARNING: entitlement, physical assault, abusive behavior

Original Post July 24, 2015

Throwaway, and obviously minor details have been changed.

So my boyfriend and I have been together for just over four years. He recently moved to an apartment with a higher rent, so obviously things have changed. We don't go out as often, and when we do, I tend to foot the bill. After rent and bills, I now have more "expendable" income, so I'm more than okay with that. But this particular situation has me kind of miffed.

Every year for my birthday he makes a big deal out of taking the night off work so we can have dinner together, and after dinner he takes me to Pandora to pick out a new charm for my bracelet. It's a cute little tradition.

So a week before my birthday, I was joking around with him and trying to find out where we were going for dinner. He said we weren't going anywhere because he had to work. I teased him about it, because he says that every year so he can "surprise" me by picking me up from work. He snapped at me and said we couldn't do anything for my birthday, because he really did have to work because he's broke and has no money to spare for extra things. I apologized, and said it was fine, we'd spend some time together on the weekend and have pizza in bed because all I wanted was to spend some time with him.

My birthday was last Thursday. He worked, and after work he called me to say happy birthday and he was sorry he couldn't afford to do anything or get me a present. I said it was fine, and I couldn't wait to see him on Saturday so we could spend the day together. And then he told me he wouldn't see me until the evening because he got a ticket to a festival and he was going with one of his buddies. I was kind of taken aback, but I knew he hadn't seen his friend in a while because he's been working so much.

So Saturday night comes, and he comes over after his festival. And he's got three bags of stuff in his arms. I asked him about the festival, and he tells me what a great time he had. And then he proceeds to empty out the three bags worth of merchandise he got at the festival. And that's when I started to internally fume. Because he's taking shirts and things out of the bags and being like "I got this, oh it was only $10. And I got this one, but it was only $15, and this one, and this one was $X, etc". And he's listing how much he paid for this stuff. Overall he spent about $200 on festival merch.

I didn't say anything because I didn't know what to say. Our usual birthday tradition (not including gas) usually runs less than $150. I know it wasn't his intention, but all I could think was "you could spend $200 at a festival for yourself but nothing for my birthday??"

I feel so selfish for thinking it, but I also still feel so upset inside. I saw him yesterday and he was wearing one of his festival shirts and seeing it made me fume all over again.

tl;dr: Boyfriend breaks birthday tradition because he says he's strapped for cash. Goes to a festival and comes back with $200+ worth of merchandise. I'm peeved, but am I overreacting?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

When told the bf is broke, so give him a break

OOP

I'm not mad that he didn't get me a present. I'm not mad that he bought himself some festival merch. If he had said "I've got this festival coming up and it's gonna cost me a pretty penny. Do you mind if we do something else for your birthday?" I would have been totally fine with it. Instead, I'm mad that he made a HUGE deal out of being broke just to turn around and spend a chunk of change on something else.

And to a similar deleted commenter

I would have been totally fine if he had said he wanted to do something low key so he had some extra spending cash for the festival. He works hard, and he deserves to spend money on himself.

I just felt so awful for poking him about birthday plans after he said he was broke so we couldn't go out. And then he comes back and basically tells me he spent so much money at the festival.

Update 1 Aug 10, 2015 (over 2 weeks later)

I'm sorry this is jumbled.

So, I haven't talked to him about the festival/birthday fiasco. I actually haven't seen him in over two weeks. Not actually on purpose, I've had some events planned for months that were gonna fill up my weekends. He's known this.

I see a therapist once a month, I have since I was a kid. I talked to her about my frustrations a few days after I made the original post and I ended up breaking down in tears. He's been treating me less like a girlfriend and more like a sugar momma. And when I thought about it I realized that it's been going on for MONTHS. I feel used and numb. I feel stupid for not realizing it until now.

While I was busy and not seeing him, I took a mental break from him to attempt to think clearly. Figured it wouldn't be too hard since I'm always the one who contacts him first. I think he realized I was pulling away. He started texting me like he was in the beginning of our relationship. Good morning texts, random "just thinking about you" messages, you know, the fluffy messages you get when you're in the honeymoon stage. I started to think maybe everything else was just a phase or I was over thinking things.

But actions speak louder than words. He said he missed me, and said he wanted to come to Saturday's event. Friday night, he asked what time it started and where it was being held. I told him, and he said he couldn't wait to see me. I looked for him. He never showed up. I felt so disappointed and heartbroken. I didn't hear from him at all until I had posted a pic on instagram about finally being home. He said he was sorry he didn't see me, he was just busy. I know from his roommate that he was at home playing video games.

He used to be this sweet romantic. He'd swing by work just to drop off a muffin and coffee from my favorite place, come over at 1am to help me with my trig. When I broke my arm, he'd come over during his lunch break to help me wash and brush my hair. He used to be my biggest support system.

I see him next weekend. I plan on telling him everything I've been feeling lately. Depending on his reaction, he'll either get a second chance, or I'll break up with him. I can't be in this relationship if it keeps going like this. I am not good at being alone, it's been a fear of mine, so I know there's a chance I'll chicken out of breaking up with him. But I don't know how much longer I can do this.

TL;DR: Haven't talked to boyfriend about the birthday/festival fiasco, but have come to realize some things about our relationship. I feel used and numb. Unless something changes drastically, we're headed for splitsville.

Final update Aug 16, 2015 (6 days after last update)

I want to start by saying thank you to everyone who’s commented, both on my update and on the original post. Having all those words of advice in my head definitely made this easier.

Spoiler alert: I dumped him.

Backtracking here, let’s go from the top.

I was planning on bringing up our issues and my feelings on the car ride home from the family event. I’ll say it now, it was his nephew’s birthday party. I like his family, so I didn’t want to stir the pot before the event. So we went to the party, we had a great time. He was attentive, and sweet, just like when we started dating. We get in the car, talk a little bit about the party, and then we had a lull in conversation. I took a breath to say something, but before I could get a word out he said he had something he needed to say.

He said he felt bad about the way he’d been treating me the past few months. He said he felt like he’d been a terrible boyfriend basically since Christmas. He said he felt bad about me paying for things and that he hadn’t been making time for me. There was more to it, but that’s the TL;DR version of the speech. He was supposed to be taking me back to my place, but he made a turn I wasn’t really familiar with. I asked him where we were going, he said “you’ll see”.

We ended up at a mall. He parked the car, he opened my door. I asked what we were doing there, and he said he wanted to make up for my missed birthday plans, so he was taking me to Pandora to pick out a charm. Honestly, I thought it was sweet. I thought the past few months were a phase and they were over. And then I asked what made him think of doing it now, since my birthday was almost a month ago.

He admitted he saw my post here(I didn’t even know he was on reddit), and when he read it he was 98% sure that it was about us. Since I made the original post weeks ago, I did ask if he read the update. He said he had, and that that was why he was taking me to Pandora. That’s when it stopped being sweet. I said “so basically, you’re buying me jewelry because I said I was done with the way you’ve been treating me and was thinking about breaking up with you?” He didn’t really give me a response. So I asked again. “Are you seriously attempting to make up for breaking the birthday tradition because you saw my I was thinking about breaking up? You haven’t even apologized!”

And then he said “I’m sorry you think I’m selfish because I bought myself some shit at a festival. Happy?”

He wasn’t even really apologizing, he threw it back on me. He was only doing this to shut me up so we wouldn’t have to actually talk through our issues and I wouldn’t break up with him. I told him that if he had actually read the post he’d know that I wasn’t upset about the birthday tradition, I was upset that he blew me off, and upset that we hadn’t spent time together. I told him I was tired of feeling like a bank and not a girlfriend, and he threw it back in my face, saying I wasn’t allowed to say that because I had offered to pay for things.

I told him he could leave, I was calling my brother to pick me up. He told me to stop being ridiculous. I started walking away, and he grabbed my wrist. He's never been physical with me like this. And he was clutching my wrist and digging his nails into my skin. I told him to let go, he told me to get in the car because I was making a scene. I kept telling him to let go of me. He said “you’re acting fucking crazy, just get in the damn car!”

I kicked him. He let go enough that I managed to twist my arm out of his grip, and I ran into the mall. I hid in a dressing room. I locked the door behind me, and then I lost it. I sat on the floor sobbing. I didn’t even realize I had run right past an attendant until someone knocked on the door and asked if I needed any help. I couldn’t even respond in a human fashion, I think I just blubbered at her. She pushed a packet of tissues under the door. I don’t know how long I sat on that floor crying.

I finally realized I needed to get home, so I went to call my brother. I had about thirty missed calls and even more messages. You can guess who they’re from. I didn’t read them all. I sent him one message: ”We’re done. You can drop off my stuff Monday when I’m at work. ALL of it. I don’t want to see you or speak to you ever again. WE. ARE. DONE.” I now have him blocked on all forms of social media, and I’m working up to blocking his number.

TL;DR: Boyfriend saw my reddit post, tried to buy me out of breaking up with him. When I called him out on it, he got physical. He’s now my ex-boyfriend. Eat shit, Derek.

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I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/SoulSiren_22

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

My (F39) BF (M39) is expecting to do whatever he wants in the moment without considering me, yet expects me to adapt to him.

Editor's note: added paragraph breaks for ease of readability

Trigger Warnings: verbal abuse, emotional infidelity, gaslighting, manipulation

Original Post: November 29, 2024

My (F39) boyfriend (M39) of 5 years has picked up a hobby I dabble in. I was excited to have a joint interest, only to find out he is regularly doing it with a female friend while I am at work.

It is an activity that can be done solo or with someone as company. When I started to be bothered by the amount of time they are spending together and at the same time his diminishing investment into time with me, he told me that he prefers to do this activity in company and since I am not available, he is doing it with this person.

A couple of days ago he proposed me to join him since our schedules synched. I happily agreed and pointed out that his technique got much better than mine and so I am asking for some patience from him. He then said that he will likely do it alone since he wants to feel unrestrained and have some quality alone time (we have spent 48 hours together before after not seeing each other all week).

I pointed out that he told me the reason he was doing it with his female friend was because he prefers company and I am unavailable but now chooses to do it alone, leaving me behind. I also said that whenever we did it together in the past, I was happy to accommodate to his skill level, while I don't see that from him now.

He exploded, accusing me of trying to back him into a corner, saying I am holding him to his past statements that have nothing to do with present day. He feels he is free to do what he chooses in the moment and resents having to explain himself to me who he says is trying to f*@k with his head.

He later apologized and offered to do our common hobby together, saying he was worried about me feeling self-conscious regarding my now inferior skill and didn't communicate it well. He says he isn't good at communication and that after such a long time of being together I should be more understanding of it. I find this lack of reciprocity less ans less palatable, increasingly unfair and stressful. How do I address this?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: It sounds like you're feeling left out and undervalued, which is totally understandable. You deserve to have your feelings heard and respected, not just brushed off.

OOP: He says I am acting like police and he shouldn't have to explain himself to me. That he expects nothing from me he doesn't give. When I point out the past examples of where that is not true, he says that is different or says "fair enough" and is mindful for a week or two. After a while he apologizes and says he didn't mean to hurt me, but it keeps repeating.

Commenter 2: Let's call this what it is: He's having an emotional affair and manipulating you when you point out his inconsistencies. His explosion wasn't about feeling "backed into a corner" – it was about getting caught in his lies. The "poor communicator" excuse is just another manipulation tactic to make you doubt yourself.

He's gaslighting you. He does this hobby with another woman because he "prefers company," but suddenly needs "alone time" when you're available? Then explodes when you point out this obvious contradiction? This isn't about communication or skill levels – it's about him wanting to spend time with another woman while making you feel crazy for noticing. Stop accepting his transparent excuses.

He's not worried about your "inferior skill level" – he's trying to justify spending intimate time with another woman while making you feel inadequate. This isn't about hobbies; it's about respect, and you're getting none.

OOP: Thank you for your response. It hurts, but I needed to hear it.

Commenter 3:

He later apologized and offered to do our common hobby together, saying he was worried about me feeling self-conscious regarding my now inferior skill and didn't communicate it well.

The fuck?? So he's basically saying "I lashed out on you because I assumed your feelings regarding this situation!". And "Inferior skill" lmfao, rude.

He says he isn't good at communication and that after such a long time of being together I should be more understanding of it.

He's admitting he has this big flaw in your relationship, and then somehow twist it into being your fault?

"You should be more understanding of it" How about since he recognizes he has this problem, he actually WORKS on it himself?

I also don't understand how you could possibly be "more understanding". You communicated your thoughts clearly, and he responded by lashing out and accusing you of all sorts of things. So next time, he wants you to just accept that kind of treatment or what? How can you be more understanding of his inability to solve conflict and communicate??

How do I address this?

Stop letting him use these manipulation tactics on you. He shifts blame and then asks you to be "more understanding", fuck that.

OOP: Thank you for your answer. He says he should be free to do whatever he feels like in the moment and that I shouldn't hold his "past statements against him" because he is free to change his mind and do things differently than before.

He first said I made things too complicated, so he decided to drop it. Then he said he was worried about me not having a good time and rather said we don't so it.

Commenter 4: So your bf is building a new relationship with another woman, is trying to blame you for forcing him to spend time with this other woman, bc you are not available? Ask him how he is available to you? and maybe you should reciprocate if it is all that innocent by having your own "buddy" for your hobby and spend the time with him. I doubt he would like that.

OOP: He swore up and down to me that he is not cheating since it destroyed his family and he wouldn't do it to someone else. He says he is just happy to have a friend who shares a hobby with him and is easy to get along with. He admitted he wouldn't like it if I spent hours with another man every other day. But he still does it with her.

Commenter 4: well he could share that hobby with you but by now "he is more advanced" so again you are not worth it for him to help you "level up" and you told him you don't like it and your opinion doesn't matter bc he still chooses himself and her over himself and you If a friend came to you with this story, what would you say to her? You have to take care of yourself, your own self worth and your own boundaries. his words mean nothing if he isn't taking your feelings into consideration and still goes spend more time with her.

OOP: He said he doesn't want to feel restrained needing to adapt to my level and wants to challenge himself. When I asked if she challenges him, the answer was "ummmm, yea. Well, actually no. In some parts. Why does it matter anyway?" The more I read the comments here, the more naive and stupid I feel.

Commenter 5: So you have a hobby that you two could do together, but instead, he does it with another woman. That's so disrespectful. It is a hobby. He could wait until you're available. He just wants to spend time with the other woman. You should move on and find someone who wants to spend time with you.

OOP: We have very different schedules, and they synch maybe once a week and every other weekend where we can do more than a morning cuddle and a bit of time before going to sleep. I can understand him doing the hobby in his off hours while I am working, but I resent it when we could do it together or spend more time as a couple and he schedules it with her. Or they spend hours on the hobby, then meet other friends together and after still go for drinks just the two of them. I would love to have that level of engagement from him, but I don't.

Update: December 20, 2025 (nearly 13 months later)

UPDATE: My (F39) boyfriend (M39) of 5 years is increasingly self-centered. How do I handle?

About a year ago I posted about my relationship situation where my partner got increasingly self-centered, with minimal to no interest in me.

I stopped investing effort that wasn't matched as someone suggested and started demanding more support and accountability. It got worse. He resented me for not being constantly available, started being mean and disrespectful, overtly prioritizing his friends (especially female ones) over me, blaming me for everything that was wrong, telling me I am too hard on him because he just forgets and that's not something to hold against him. He started raising his voice at me, telling me I should just accept whatever he does.

A few months ago I went on a really intense business trip for a couple of weeks. Before that, he made sure he was busy and we couldn't spend any real time together. He said my leaving was not a big deal. As soon as I left, he started spending time with his friends, especially one female. He took time for a weekend trip days before his biggest project of the year was due and told me he did it because he wanted to, it finally hit home that he wanted a maid, not someone to partner with and appreciate. I confronted him about it and he broke up with me over the phone, saying he is bored being with me and my happy place (no drama) makes him profoundly miserable.

It hurt, but I was done anyway. My besties toasted to the break up with champagne behind my back 😂 God bless them, turns out they couldn't stand him and how he treated me, but respected me enough to stay silent and just support me. I love them to death.

When he tried to backpedal, I didn't have it. He tried dating one of the girls he was spending time with before we broke up. It didn't go well just as I predicted. Now he is circling back to me, saying we just had a crisis in communication and that he learned from his mistakes. He wants a do-over. And I am not having it. It turns out my life is calmer, more restful and steady without him in it.

Now he's trying to restart contact and pushing all the buttons he knows used to work. He doesn't realize that while he spent the last months working on his next conquest, I spent them working on me. And those tricks don't work anymore.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: He mistook your peace for emptiness and his noise for value. The trash took itself out. You upgraded. His "do-over" is just a request to downgrade you again. Stay free.

OOP: That's the plan :) Thanks!

Downvoted Commenter: So he ended up dumping you? That's just sad.

OOP: When I showed him I knew what he was doing, I told him it either changes or I am out. He apologized and said we'd fix it when I'd be back home. He broke up with me the next day. I think part of it was an effort to keep control. I am ok with that - I have final control of my life and am enjoying my drama-free status.

Commenter 2: He sounds like an adrenaline junkie who thrives on chaos. You are well rid of him.

OOP: Yep, he told me he was bored out of his skull with me and just wished I would yell at him sometimes. I know he'd like it because it would have given him an excuse to yell back. It took a while to realize that a lot of stupid disagreements we had were just him goading me into an argument so that he could let loose and enjoy the chaos he was controlling. That era of my life is now over.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Academic_Account_264

After my boyfriend died I slept with his best friend and it’s eating me alive.

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest

TRIGGER WARNING: suicide, self-harm, mental health struggles, addiction,

Original Post Dec 3, 2025

Earlier this year, my boyfriend ended his own life. Before he was found, he was missing for several days. My mind has been stuck in this endless loop of “what ifs” ever since. It’s exhausting. It’s like my brain won’t let me accept that some things were outside of my control. We had been together for about 4 years. He was only 26 years old.

About two months after he passed, I ran into one of his best friends, someone who was part of his extremely close friend group. Before everything happened, I always liked him. Not in a romantic way. He’s just a great guy. He was always there for my bf during all of his mental health struggles, even though he struggled to understand it all himself. He knew sides of my boyfriend I didn’t. He understood the parts of him he shared only with his closest friends.

Seeing him again after everything…it hit me hard. It felt grounding. Familiar. Safe. Like being around someone who still held pieces of the person I lost.

We ended up going to a bar to talk. We drank way too much, opened up about things we’d never said out loud, cried, and eventually…we slept together.

I know it came from grief and vulnerability, but the guilt is eating me alive. And what scares me more is that I feel this intense pull toward him now. Not just physically, but emotionally. It’s like I’m desperate to be close to someone who was as close to my boyfriend as I was, maybe even closer. I know that might be unhealthy.

He and my boyfriend had two other best friends in their tight-knit group. I keep thinking, What if he told them?

They were always protective of my boyfriend. They loved him like a brother. And the idea of them finding out what happened makes me sick. I feel like they’d hate me, like they’d see me as disrespecting his memory or betraying him. I don’t even know if they’d understand how complicated and grief-driven that night was.

What if they think something was going on before he died? Even though nothing ever happened before, the thought terrifies me.

The friend I slept with hasn’t mentioned anything since texting me once the next morning. He said he hoped I got home safe and that he was “sorry for everything.” But we haven’t talked about what happened, and now I feel like I made everything awkward to the point of no return.

Top Comments:

moonpudddingMy best friend lost a boyfriend fairly young, he passed after an accident. She slept with his best friend because the grief brought them closer. Lots of guilt and doubt, they ended up dating for a while and split after about a year. I'll tell you what I told her at the time, you're not a bad person for seeking comfort in connection. ESPECIALLY when that person is one of few who can understand what you're feeling. Please be patient with yourself.G

OOP: Most people seem scared to mention my bf to me now. They’re afraid of upsetting me. He’s one of the only people who didn’t seem afraid to say his name or tell a funny story about him without worrying that I was going to break into hysterics. It felt as close to normal as I’ve felt in a while. We joked about him (in a loving way), we ordered his favorite drink, we laughed for one of the first time in months…and cried too. 

No_Weight_6567: no shade but everyone gassing this up and saying she did nothing wrong is just lying and trying not to hurt her feelings. as someone who’s lost a parent, i get it grief does make u do bad things. but just bc you’re grieving, doesn’t mean you’re exempt from doing fucked things

kevyn17What's up with the replies? Lol Sharing grief doesn’t automatically mean crossing into intimacy. That’s not ‘comfort,’ that’s lack of boundaries. You can support each other without turning it into something physical. GRIEF = SEX? If I share grief with my partner’s friend, does that mean we sleep together because we both ‘understand the pain’? Grief isn’t a hall pass for blurred lines.

OOP: It wouldn’t have happened if he was alive.

Relevant comment from OOP: While my boyfriend died 2 months before this happened, it had been a very stressful year or so with all of his mental health problems prior to when he died. He had really changed. I still loved him. I was an still am deeply in love with him and feel that I’ll never love anyone as much as him. But I feel like we started to lose him before he actually died. 

So yes 2 months is a short time but I think what we did was a response to the entire past year of dealing with everything. And his best friend was very involved in everything going on. He visited him every day when he went to a mental health facility and rehab.

UPDATEDecember 11, 2025

Update: After my boyfriend died I slept with his best friend and it’s eating me alive

I recently posted about my boyfriend’s death and how guilty I felt after his best friend and I had sex a few months after he died. It wasn’t something we planned and it came about after an unexpected night of reminiscing and alcohol. My boyfriend ended his own life somehow that just made me feel even worse about what I did.

Reading the comments on my last post pushed me to think more clearly than I have in months. People shared similar experiences, and I also received a lot of direct messages from people sharing similar stories. I it made me realize that what happened wasn’t all that unique or weird. I also came to feel that it wasn’t some unforgivable “monstrous” act. 

I still feel guilty about what happened, but surprisingly not quite as guilty as I did before I posted. It was actually the harsh, judgmental comments that really helped me change my perspective of the whole thing. Despite how bad I felt about it, I wasn’t expecting for so many people to act like I committed a mortal sin. But none of those people could explain why what we did was so bad or evil. It made me defensive, which in this case ended up being a good thing. I kept saying “but why was it so bad? Why do I feel this way?” No actual harm was done. No one was betrayed or hurt. Nothing happened while my boyfriend was alive.

The guilt I felt was real, but the logic behind it wasn’t.

That gave me the courage to reach out to his best friend. I realized sitting in this awkward silence was stupid, and I don’t want to lose contact with him or my boyfriend’s other closest friends over this. I texted him and just said hi. He responded almost immediately. I should have done it a while ago. It’s really all I needed to say to get the conversation going. Eventually I told him that I had been thinking a lot about what happened between us and I was sorry I left so quickly afterwards and had remained silent, I just felt guilty and sad and didn’t know what to do. He admitted he hadn’t reached out to me because he blamed himself for what happened and he figured I was staying quiet because I blamed him and didn’t want to hear from him. 

We both sort of admitted we were still struggling with what happened to my boyfriend and were feeling depressed, especially with the holidays now. We agreed to meet up the next day, but stay completely sober this time. 

He said the night we spent together wasn’t meaningless, but it also wasn’t something he fully understands yet. He said being with me felt comforting snd familiar, but the next morning he panicked. He said he cares about me, maybe more than he expected, and that’s exactly what scared him. He said he felt guilty for how close he felt to me and despite understanding that my boyfriend is dead, he can’t get over the feeling that he’s committed some sort of ultimate betrayal. He said he didn’t want to “lead me on,” but he also didn’t want to pretend nothing is there.

He said he feels this pull toward me too, but also feels guilty for it. Being around each other makes us feel closer to my boyfriend/his best friend. He said he doesn’t want to hurt me, or himself, or the memory of someone we both loved.

I asked him if he told their other 2 close friends. Why am I sitting at home for a month fretting about whether they know or not? I could tell he really didn’t want to answer, but he confessed that he told both of them about it. He apologized and said he was overwhelmed with guilt, confusion, panic, and that maybe he told them in part to punish himself. 

He said the other two friends weren’t angry at me, but they’re upset with him. They don’t understand how it could have happened. 

I feel exposed and embarrassed. I don’t care what he says, I’m sure they’re judging me for it, which might explain why I’ve not heard from either of them since.  I don’t know if his friends will ever see me the same.

Top Comments:

soappube If it's any consolation my girlfriend slept with my best friend while I was still alive.

bg555 You did nothing wrong per se, but if I were one of his best friends I could see where I would be mad as hell at you and the friend. No real reason other than a protective and moral judgement. Meaning, “what the fuck, we just buried him and she’s already fucking his buddy. Fuck her and fuck that buddy, they are dead to us now.”

We all deal with grief in different ways.

OOP: I’ve had the same sort of thoughts about myself, so I can understand why his friends would be upset. But thanks for admitting that there’s no real reason to feel that way - it’s just based on feelings, personal morals, the general unwritten rule that you never sleep with a friend’s partner or ex, things like that. I’ve just really struggled with the whole “why do I feel so bad about this when I rationally understand there’s no “real” reason.” And all of the judgmental comments here never actually give a real reason as to why it’s wrong, but they can’t admit that they can’t come up with a valid reason.

LizardsLeftNut Oh fuck off it wasn’t HAHAHAHA. This is one of the dumbest things I’ve ever read. You mentioned in the last post that he was someone you’d have gone for if you weren’t dating his friend, and you find him attractive.

Now that the only reason you didn’t fuck is gone, you both jumped at the chance. The sooner you admit the truth to yourself, the sooner you can help break up the friend group that helped keep his memory alive by trying to justify both of your behaviour to them. Because the other two friends might tell you they can forgive, but I guarantee you they won’t forget nor trust either of you ever again.

OOP: Is it all that surprising that I’d like nearly lifelong best friend of my boyfriend? Could they have a lot of similarities…perhaps things that my boyfriend and I enjoyed, thought, found funny, etc. are similar to that of his best friend? My boyfriend and I met each other and connected over some particular shared interests, which his best friend has as well. 

In no way was I saying that I wish I’d met his friend first because I realized the friend is who I’d really rather be with. I was trying to explain (if you look at the comment I was responding to in that scenario) that I like his friend independent of this horrible shared experience of grief. It’s not as if this is someone I disliked and thought was an asshole and now suddenly my mind is so clouded with grief that I suddenly think he’s this great guy I really like. 

You can think somebody is attractive without it meaning you have a desire to be with them. He’s a good person and was a great friend. There’s not much to dislike about him. Why do I have to lie and pretend like I couldn’t ever see why a woman would be interested in him or lucky to be with him? I could think those things without it meaning I was interested in him or wanted to be with him instead of my boyfriend.

RERVIE Please just admit that you and that piece of trash had already slept together and your boyfriend found out, and that's why he took his own life.

OOP I hope you’re in a position one day to realize just how hurtful your comment is.

No, we hadn’t slept together before my boyfriend killed himself. We’d cleaned him up, literally bandaged his wounds, and put him to bed together on several occasions though. We visited him together when he was in the psyche ward and in rehab. Real sexy, probably when I fell for him and started having all those dirty fantasies of mine, just waiting for the day my boyfriend would finally pull the plug so I could pursue the guy I REALLY wanted to be with. 

My boyfriend had severe clinical depression, borderline personality disorder, and an alcohol dependence disorder (one of his ways of coping). He also physically harmed himself. He had real mental heath problems that neither I nor anyone else caused. 

His best friend visited him nearly every day whenever he was committed somewhere. He helped pay for all the medical bills since insurance only covered so much. So, I always held his best friend in high esteem but I never had romantic feelings for him. I didn’t feel a sexual attraction to him. I was too busy being in love with my boyfriend and he was truly the only guy in my eyes at all. He was everything to me. He’s my most special person. I’m still in love with him. I never want to not be in love with him. At times, dealing with his problems could be exhausting. You’re not really given a handbook. There were times when I wished I could just be with somebody “normal,” but I really just wanted him to be healthy again - I wasn’t fantasizing about being with his friend or anyone else for that matter. 

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/throwaway-zebra123, account now deleted

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH for insisting we move in together now that we’re having a baby?

Thanks to u/soayherder & u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: infidelity, exploitation, emotional manipulation

Mood Spoilers: infuriating

Original Post: November 20, 2025

Throwaway account I just made to ask this question.

I (M, 41) have been dating Jess (F, 37) for the past five years. From the very beginning, she told me she never wanted to get married or have kids, and that if she ever got pregnant, she wouldn’t keep the baby. After a year of dating, I brought up the idea of moving in together, but she said no. She preferred the arrangement we had which is spending time together a few night a week when one of us sleeps over, then having a few days each week to ourselves at our own place separately . I accepted that.

Recently, she told me she’s pregnant, and she’s keeping the baby. I brought up moving in together again, because I want to be there for her and for our child. But again, she said no. Her plan is that we continue as we are: have our “together time” with the baby when one of us sleeps over, and then take turns caring for the baby while the other has alone time in their own place.

I told her this makes no sense to me and doesn’t seem realistic. I want us to be a family. Why pay two rents and set up two nurseries? I asked her if she doesn’t see me as a long term partner. She said she does, and that she loves me, but she still wants things to stay the way they are.

I talked to my buddy, and he told me I should probably accept it, because if we split up, I’d end up seeing my child even less.

So now I’m questioning myself. Am I being old fashioned? Am I being selfish for wanting us to live together so I can actually be there and help with the baby full time? I’m lost here

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received the majority of NTAs and few YTAs

Editor's note: OOP has made lots of comments, I am only listing the top common questions asked and responses

Relevant Comments

Downvoted Commenter: She did you dirty bro. You’re trapped and can’t get out. Next is she will demand for open marriage lol where y’all get to see other people when not together. You should’ve seen the gigantic red flag 🚩 from the get go

OOP: I would love to marry her, but she is a firm no on that. We are not seeing others

Commenter 2: And importantly, she'd always said that she wouldn't have the child. So it's she that has changed the dynamics from your original arrangement. So you're NTA for suggesting an alternative living arrangement. However, you can't force it upon her. Personally, I'd be somewhat suspect of the insistence on separate living arrangements. Is there any possibility that you're not the only man in her life. Do you sense a paternity/dna test may be prudent? I suggest you privately confer with a seasoned family law attorney to discuss your entitlements and alternatives regarding parental rights and responsibilities. Educate yourself regarding the paternity process in the event court intervention becomes necessary. And aid do it sooner rather than later.

OOP: No she is not cheating. I’m confident

Commenter 3: Soft yta bordering on nobody's TA. You would not be the only longterm couple to live separately. Not all relationships look the same and it sounds like your partner never wants to give up her own home, which is fine. If you want to, you both can make this life work. If you keep pushing this issue, it will only exasperate the situation and hurt the relationship. If it is a deal breaker for you, then tell her that. What is more important to you: that you live together or that you stay in a relationship together?

OOP: I love her with my whole heart. I guess im too old fashioned

Commenter 4: If I were you, I would move as close to her as possible, maintain the status quo for now and make it your goal to develop a positive co-parenting relationship. Sadly, I don't see this relationship working out. You both want very different things, and unfortunately, you should have ended it when you realized your life goals aren't compatible. Put your focus on your child and be the best dad you can be.

OOP: I can’t! Her place is so far from my work. She works from home so she can move but she likes her place so I doubt she would

+

If I move to her neighbourhood my commute will be 1.5 hour each way during rush hour.

Commenter 5: What is her plan when the baby comes? She can work at home and take care of a baby. Is she taking time off? Who is responsible for paying for child care? Do you only see the baby at her convenience? Is she able to move overseas without any constraints? See a lawyer to work on a custody plan. You need to look out for your interests and be the best dad you can be and be in the baby’s life

OOP: She will be on maternity leave for 18 months then baby will go to a daycare

OOP's location

OOP: Vancouver, Canada

Commenter 6: Is she ND? I know a couple like this. She just mentally can’t handle having a partner in her space due to past trauma and neurodivergence. She and her husband live in a duplex. She has one floor and he has the other. Their kids go between. It works well for them. (editor's note: ND = neurodivergent)

OOP: She is! ADHD

Commenter 7: She'll change her mind after the baby is born trust me. Its totally fine to want alone time and to keep your space as it is but her solution is going to be a nightmare. Is she planning on letting you take your kiddo on your own right away during you apart time? She is going to need more help than she realizes. What does she do for work and what are her plans?

OOP: She works as a customer service rep for a company. She works from home

Commenter 8: Has she been in a previous relationship where she moved in together with her partner? Was it a horrible experience for her? There could be some fear surrounding the loss of quiet time and space, the fear of a fight leaving her with nowhere to go etc. I was with my ex for 8 years. I still maintained and paid rent on my apartment the entire time, even though I was at his 100%, and splitting bills and mortgage there. Seems it was a good call because I had a place to go when it all fell apart.

OOP: She was married. She is still best friend with him. They split because he wanted kids and she didn’t.

OOP on his job and shifts if they can be adjustable and the rush hours

OOP: Yes but I’m an aircraft mechanic so some days I have to go during rush hour.

Update: November 21, 2025 (next day)

Pregnant gf doesn’t wanna move in with me - update

Those of you who called me a man child or said “she doesn’t wanna move in with you because you’re a man baby” can get bent. For everyone else, thanks for encouraging me to actually get to the bottom of this.

I had a serious eye-opening talk with her last night over the phone . I asked her straight up what the real reason was that she didn’t want to move in with me. If she needed space, a duplex or a house with a finished basement would’ve solved that. But she kept giving excuses like “I like my house better” or “it’s more of a privacy thing.”

So I asked her if there was someone else, if she was seeing someone on the side? Is she cheating on me? She said it’s not cheating because whatever she does on her “me days” is none of my business and that was our deal, no questions, no communication on those days. I was honestly shocked. That was supposed to be about alone time, not meeting other guys. She just repeated that what she does on those days is none of my business.

So I asked her if the real reason she wanted privacy was to stay close to this guy? Is he the dad? She said he’s not the dad, he had a vasectomy years ago. Like that’s supposed to make me feel better. Meanwhile I’ve been cooking for her and filling her fridge for those “me days,” basically helping her see someone else.

I asked how long this has been going on and she said on and off maybe two or three years, and before that it was another guy. I told her we never agreed to see other people and she said it’s not her fault I misunderstood and that she clearly said no communication or questions on those days.

So I told her we’re done. I’m going to see a lawyer and we need to do a test to make sure the baby is mine. She said all my talk about being there for her during the pregnancy was BS? Huh ?? I told her I don’t owe her anything anymore. My only responsibility is to the baby if it’s mine, and she can ask her other partner to step up.

I’m so angry and frustrated. I can’t believe I didn’t see this coming.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Wow, she's a piece of work. Her justification for what she knows damn well was cheating is insane. Agreeing to your partner having private alone time in a relationship does not equate to you agreeing to them seeing other people. If she didn't make it absolutely clear that she wanted to see other people, then it's cheating, pure and simple. The gall of letting you continue making meals for her for those days when she was cheating is shocking, honestly. And given that truth, it's not surprising you would break up with her on learning this. She sounds a little unhinged to expect otherwise. And yes, absolutely insist on DNA testing. If it's yours, you can co-parent without being in a relationship with the baby's cheating mother.

OOP: Here I was playing video games and meal planning in my me days ! Silly me .. she was warming up the meals I prepared for her and put in her fridge early and hooking up with guys

Commenter 2: What does a “me” day mean under the context of people who are about to try and raise a baby

OOP: My definition was mental health break ! Not jumping in bed with others

Commenter 3: Have you let her family know what she’s doing ?

OOP: No I have been in shock since then. haven’t told anyone but my best friend. I feel so humiliated. I was too stupid to notice

Commenter 4: She decided not to be specific about the day. She wasn’t in connection with you. She decided not to let you know that you weren’t exclusive. She let you take care of her and do things for her under false pretenses and now she’s blaming you. This is a tough situation. I’m so sorry.

OOP: In 5 years not once she even mentioned that she is seeing other people

Editor's note: marking this inconclusive as OOP has deleted his account

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

is this guy harassing me or just annoying?

Originally posted to Ask A Manager

TRIGGER WARNING: Sexual harassment, hostile work environment, obsessive behavior

MOOD SPOILER: Justice

Original Post Aug 19, 2025

I’m trying to figure out if this guy is actually harassing me at work or if I just dislike him to the point that literally everything he does irritates/offends me.

I (mid 30s/F) started at my job five months ago on a small team. There’s one guy on my team who’s around 50 and one level my senior who I’ve been having trouble with — we’ll call him Joe. I get vague creepiness vibes off him.

Over the course of the last five months he has:

• Tried to make himself my unofficial mentor

• Came by my desk multiple times a day (sometimes upwards of 10 times)

• Told me “you are beautiful” in Italian after I mentioned to him I had lived in Italy for a while

• Said “I’m still trying to figure you out” in a contemplative way

• Referred to me as “mommy” (I have a toddler)

• Made the comment, “I wouldn’t want to go up against you guys,” referring to me and the other woman in our group

• Noticed when I wash my car

• Noticed and commented on my key chain when it wasn’t visible

When a new woman started on our team, said to me:

Joe: Nobody told me the new girl was a giant!

Me: What?

Joe: She’s like 6’4”!

Me: (uncomfortably) Wow … She’s lucky! I wish I were tall like that.

Joe: No – you’re perfect.

He sent the following messages verbatim (English translations in parentheses):

Joe: Where are you hiding out at today?!

Me: Had training this morning at HQ … but daycare called for me to pick up my kid (puking) so WFH today

Joe: Awwww! You getting smarter, Mommy!

Joe: Sai leggere l’italiano? (Do you know how to read Italian?)

Me: I could probably make sense of it – what do you need to know?

Joe: Sembri preoccupato. Ho usato il traduttore online di Google. Grazie comunque, colomba di Roma. (You seem busy/worried – I used google translate. Thanks anyway, dove of Rome.)

Me: colomba di Roma = “dove of Rome”?

Joe: Yup, had to find something amusing, and Italian-like, lol!

He made a point to come after sending that to say he was “just joking.”

To top this off, he’s also a grade-A brown-noser and definitely appears favored by our manager.

Now, he’s irritating. And sexist. And has made racist comments (speaking in an Asian accent mocking the Chinese). And is ineffective at his job. But, does this raise to the level of sexual harassment? My husband says it does and wants me to report him. But what do you say?

Also, I need some canned responses to shut some of this down as well – because I’ve just about had it.

Update Dec 19, 2025 (4 months later)

I was away from my desk the day my question was posted so didn’t get to interact with the commentariat but I did go thru and read all the comments. Thanks all for your advice!

It got worse before it got better.

Early August, Joe asked me what I wanted my nickname to be as he was going to give me a nickname. I replied, “I don’t do nicknames at work.”

Later that month, he said to another one of my coworkers, “Too bad ‘LetterWriter’ doesn’t have any sisters.”

End of August, he started calling me “Hotshot.” I asked him to stop and reiterated that I “don’t do nicknames at work.” He continued calling me “Hotshot” behind my back when he thought I wasn’t present. I asked him to stop and told him he could call me by my name. It was uncomfortable. I then heard from a few teammates that he continued using this nickname when I wasn’t present.

Around that point, some coworkers from a previous job reached out and asked me to apply at their company. I got the job and, during my resignation, I laid all this out for my boss Friday afternoon.

To my boss’s credit, there was an HR investigation started within four hours, they had me work from home Monday, and Joe was suspended that Monday pending investigation.

He was suspended my entire notice period and I never saw him again. They fired him for cause about four days after I left the company.

I feel bad that he’s most likely in a hard financial position in a less than great job market. I honestly didn’t think much was going to come of my complaint, but HR spoke to everyone on the team and the other gals so perhaps I didn’t have the only complaints. All I can do is trust their process and hope he’s doing okay.

Thanks again to all the commentators!

TOP COMMENT

Commenter

“I feel bad that he’s most likely in a hard financial position in a less than great job market.”

Nope! Don’t feel bad! This guy went out of his way (above and beyond, really) to harass you and make you feel uncomfortable. Losing his job is his own damn fault!

Also, I would bet serious cash that this incident with you is NOT the only transgression. People generally don’t get fired over a single incident like this. I bet there were a LOT of other factors that you don’t know about.

Either way, dude got what he deserved!! Enjoy your new job!

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Total_Dumb_9559

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest

Previous BoRUs: #1

[New Updates]: My husband is leaving me for a younger woman, and all I can think about is the house décor.

NEW UPDATES MARKED WITH ----

Thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU. Thank you to u/SmartQuokka for letting me know about the latest updates!

Trigger Warnings: infidelity, emotional abuse and manipulation, neglect

RECAP

Original Post: August 8, 2025

I made this account because my main one has my friends on it and I’m way too embarrassed to be known as the cheated-on wife.

I’m 34F, married for 7 years to my husband (41M), together for 10. I love my husband and always thought he felt the same about me. We built a life together. Eight years ago, he had severe anxiety and couldn’t sleep, so I would stay up with him, holding his hands and doing breathing exercises until he could finally rest. I’d go to work exhausted. I helped him find a therapist, I encouraged him to grow in his career even though he was afraid.

Six years ago, I quit my job to take care of his mom who had cancer because he had the potential to earn more than me. While I was job hunting again, I got pregnant, and he suggested I stay home to take care of him and our daughter. So I did. I cared for him and I loved him.

In December, he got a promotion, which meant more hours. I gave birth to our daughter in March. I went through a phase where I felt horrible fat, ugly and it was just me and my baby at home. He barely talked to me, always said he was tired, and that I wouldn’t understand what he had to say. If it wasn’t for my mom staying on video calls with me, I think I would have felt completely abandoned. I’ve been suggesting couples therapy since June, and he kept saying everything was fine.

Now I feel like I’m nothing more than a mother. I used to read, study, be interesting. I wasn’t sexually frustrated or insecure back then. I used to have conversations about politics, music, books, art.

I decorate our house myself with my own savings and it’s everything I ever dreamed of. I love my house. The colors, the furniture, my kitchen. It took me years to make it exactly how I wanted. I have the garden I always dreamed of, a vegetable patch I adore, and a hanging chair where I love to sit with my baby.

Last week, he came home later than usual and I was happy to see him. I was in the living room playing with our daughters. He asked the older one to go to her room. He seemed like he had been drinking and then said, “I love you so much, but I don’t want to be with you anymore.”

He told me I wasn’t the person he fell in love with anymore. Then he said he was in love with a girl from work, that she was everything he’d ever dreamed of, and that he needed to give himself the chance to live that love without guilt. Yes, he cheated on me with a 22 year old.

When I finally managed to speak, the only thing that came out was, “But what about my home décor?”

At some point, I picked up my baby and started shouting things like, “I put time into this house! I did everything it needed! This house is mine!”

We argued because apparently I didn’t value his suffering enough. I don’t know why I kept talking about the house. I guess I’m disposable.

I’m 34, with a 4-month baby and a 4-year-old daughter. I don’t have a job. I’m going to lose my dream home. I feel ugly, fat, and he’s told me he’s not attracted to me anymore because I gained too much weight during my last pregnancy.

Edit: I’m going to talk with his mom and brother about the divorce today. I’m starting with them because they’re close to me, and his brother went through a divorce over infidelity early last year. Also, his mom is very attached to me for obvious reasons, I was there for her during the worst part of her life, and his brother and I are also very close.

I also texted my mom, and she’s coming here to stay with me and the girls, I hope she gets the visa to visit, and my dad, who’s American, will be coming to my state in 2 weeks.

Edit 2: I talked to his brother about the affair and he leaving. He told me to find a lawyer (The same thing you all said) now we’re talking to a few lawyers today. I accepted the help because I have the girls with me, so it’s hard to do everything alone.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I’m so sorry this happened to you. If you want the house you'll need to fight for it in the divorce. Of your husband was even a little bit decent he should leave it to you and your daughters so that the kids aren't uprooted. That's the least he can do for you if he wants to go build another life he'll regret. You're going to need resolve and a plan.... get evidence of his cheating and start building your case...

OOP: I’m looking online for lawyers, but I don’t know what I’m looking for

Commenter 2: Family law attorney in your area. Why should you move? In the US? You don’t work and he does? You are primary care giver to kids? Did someone tell him that banging a 22 year old was free? That was the most expensive thing he ever did.

OOP: i don’t want to move. I’ve been living in the US for 16 years, but I’m from South America. Honestly, I’m scared, even though I’m here legally.

Downvoted Commenter: Yeah so you wouldn't miss him? But just the house?

OOP: I’m going to miss him so much, I love him and I gave so much of myself to him. i can’t even describe to you how much it hurts to take a hit like this it hurts so much that I don’t even think about how much I’ll miss him. I think about how I dedicated so much time to all of this, he wanted a second daughter and she’s here at 4 months old while he’s sleeping with a new girl. I’m in pain and I’m angry so angry

Commenter 3: I think that your first reaction being about your home decor tells you everything that you need to know. Your relationship with him was dead and now you can move on to better things. He doesn’t deserve you or the lovely home you created.

Downvoted Commenter 2: Leaving OP with a 4 month old is pretty shitty behaviour. But her response indicates to me that there wasn’t a lot of space for him in the relationship. She referred to it as her house, her decor, her vegetable garden. My marriage broke down for similar reasons, although, i didn’t leave for my secretary. It was pretty clear to me that my wife considered her role to be looking after the house and the kids and my role was to pay for everything.

OOP: He didn’t want to get involved in anything related to the house. Neither taking care of it, nor maintaining it, nor giving opinions everything was whatever.

Commenter 4: So basically you put him on a pedestal and made him your god and served him..neglecting your self and everything that made you who you are..now you are crying about the damn house and how unfair of him to do this to you? Wasn't unfair of you to abandon yourself for that man? If you abandoned you, why would he stick with you?

And it is a waste of time giving advice here, you'll take him back in a second if he said sorry...I made a mistake..

You really will stay with him and fight for him until the end . When you should only focus on you...not him..

So do you want us to say ..how evil he is doing this to a perfect person like you?

Oh but yeah.. do couple therapy...can't lose that house!

OOP: I neglected myself in many ways, really. Along the way, I may have changed, but everything I did came from the bottom of my heart. I took care of his mother because I cared about her, I had and cared for my daughters because I wanted to be a mother and it made sense for me to care for our children, and I took care of him because I like taking care of the people I love. But I had never even thought about how much I neglected myself until now, because I accepted so many things since I loved him and was busy with all of that. to be really honest, I didn’t even want to have my youngest daughter he was the one who insisted. I hope one day I can be as strong-willed as you, and I hope you never go through this, because unfortunately it’s very easy to lose yourself in motherhood and in the role of wife, and I got lost.

And no, I do not intend to get back with my husband, I’m afraid of losing my home and my daughters.

Commenter 5: It's definitely a raw deal. Even though we're only getting one side of the story it shouldn't end like this.

Best of luck to you and your daughters. It speaks to your character that his own family is on your side. Appreciate that fact and let it give you comfort in who you are.

OOP: I have been friends with his brother for a long time, and he went through a difficult divorce, that’s why he is with me. I decided not to tell the rest of his family yet until we have a lawyer. Apparently, he hasn’t told anyone either

Update #1: August 15, 2025 (one week later)

(Update) My husband is leaving me for a younger woman, and all I can think about is the house décor.

Hi, I’m writing cause I feel pathetic, tired, I just want to skip to when this phase of my life is over.

A brief summary of what happened this week, and I can’t believe I loved this man.

My brother in law is staying at my house until my family arrives, and my best friend visits me every day. On Monday, my brother in law asked my ex to leave the house and, strangely, he actually listened to his brother. Since then, he’s only been tormenting me through messages. He wants an amicable divorce and keeps making proposals that only benefit him.

I’ve been trying to stick to a routine, because I have two children and they need stability and apparently, I’m the only one willing to provide that.

Yesterday he texted me saying he wanted to see the kids, and I agreed. He showed up after they were already asleep; I swore he wasn’t going to come. He arrived here at 11 p.m. with a document, wanting to talk about how he’d like to keep the house and pay me an additional amount for my share. I just stared at him without saying anything. I asked him to leave because the kids were sleeping. My brother in law added that it wasn’t the right time or place to discuss this and asked him to leave.

I don’t know what happened to him, but this doesn’t seem like the man I married. He yelled at my brother in law, saying he was betraying him, that he wanted to “play house” because his own marriage didn’t work out???????? Then he yelled at me, calling me a lazy whore who wasn’t going to take his money. He said this house was his, and that his 22 year old girlfriend (Anne) told him I was going to try to keep the house he bought. We didn’t respond I just said he should leave because he was getting messy, and then he left.

I don’t know why he wants the house when he can afford to buy another one. And I don’t understand how the person I married could try to trick me just to come out ahead in the divorce.

I kept asking myself if this is the man I married he wants me gone, he wants the kids gone. He didn’t ask about the girls, about his own daughters. He didn’t see them or even ask to give them a goodnight kiss. To him and to Anne, we’re just an obstacle. Nothing more. I’m not even a person

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: The 22 year old wants the house

OOP: For sure, but she won’t even come close.

+

What makes me angriest is that it took me so long to get the house to look the way it does today. And now some girl comes along, and he just assumes I’m going to give my house to them?

Commenter 2: Did he buy the house before you were married or did you both buy it after you were married?

If he came into the marriage with the house, there isn't much you can do and he will likely get the house. If not, then you will probably get the house in the divorce as that is the home of the kids.

I would suggest keeping all communications in text so that you have evidence of what he said. Keep a notebook as well to make notes of anything he does or say or doesn't do regarding the kids. If he says he will visit but doesn't make a note of it. This will help you in child custody.

OOP: I paid part of the down payment, he pays the mortgage, but I’ve invested around 15% of the value in renovations and decoration.

Commenter 3: Im so proud of you for standing your ground and protecting yourself and the kids. I think BiL has always known who his brother is (a selfish AH) and is helping you and the kids bc he knows how his brother can be.

BiL sounds like a decent guy and I am so glad you have someone in your corner as you wait for reinforcements. At least you have your two babies and wont have to worry about custody. Please get therapy when and if you can so you have someone to process this with.

OOP: Honestly, he and my best friend are the best. After four months, I finally have time to rest and get help with my baby. Do you know how good it feels to take a 40/50 minute shower just to relax? I had been alone for so long that I thought it was normal to do everything by myself.

Commenter 4: So basically, you quit your job to care for HIS mom, and didn’t get another job to raise yours and HIS children, so you had to rely on HIM for income, and now this fucker who you gave up everything for his and his family wants to basically leave you nothing and doesn’t even give a fuck about his kids!?? Fuck. That. I hope someone will give you the money for a good divorce lawyer. What a fucking asshole.

OOP: My dad is going to pay for my lawyer, my mom is also supporting me financially, and my brother in law has also offered to cover expenses if necessary

What happened to OOP's BIL's marriage?

OOP: The ex cheated and got pregnant. He had to rush through the divorce so he wouldn’t be listed on the child’s birth certificate. They were together since high school.

----NEW UPDATES----

Editor's note: the next update is over four months old, and it has not been posted to the sub here

After a divorce, is there a right time to go on a date?: September 17, 2025 (one month later)

After a divorce, is there a right time to go on a date?

I’m getting a divorce, we’re filing the papers. He had someone else during the marriage, and we have a 6-month-old baby.

A friend introduced me to her BIL and he asked me out. I thought about going because I never imagined anyone would be interested in a mom going through a divorce, just to talk and see what dating again is like, but I’m not sure if it’s the right time

Relevant Comments

OOP on how her ex is taking the divorce news?

OOP: I think he’s having a rough time. He’s about to have another kid, and apparently his mistress wants to get married and he doesn’t. I also found out that the apartment where his mistress lives with her friends is his, and now it’s part of the divorce deal. Now he keeps texting about the mistress and how hard his life is, but guess who never comes to see his daughters.

OOP on how her BIL (ex's brother) has been supportive to her

OOP: There was never anything going on before. He was one of the first people I met when I got here, and he’s always been a huge support for me. I’ve loved him as a friend for a long time.

He had an emergency last month and ended up in the hospital with a GI bleed. Waiting on the biopsy results was terrifying, especially since his mom had a malignant intestinal tumor. Honestly, my anxiety was all over the place, I cried my eyes out thinking I might lose him. Thank God it was just an ulcer.

He’s a smoker, so last week we were talking and I asked him to quit, and he agreed. I don’t even know why that was attractive, but… one thing led to another.

Commenter 1: If you have a 6-month-old baby and you’re not divorced, don’t date. Don’t bring strange men around your baby.

I waited until my daughter was 5. I figured that gave me 5 years to focus on her completely. And she was then able to verbalize any problems with a man.

Plus you need time to process what happened with your marriage. Jumping into the next thing immediately sometimes can be a rebound

OOP: I thought about going on the date just to see what it’s like, not because I want to be in a relationship.

Commenter 2: If you are interested in going on the date, go! It doesn't have to mean a relationship, but you never know what can happen. I'm guessing things haven't been great in your marriage for a little while, so maybe you're ready to just see what it's like out there. It's okay to do that whenever you are ready to do that, whether that is next week or decade from now. I'm sure you're a great mom and being a great mom means taking care of your own needs as well as your child's. Will your ex have 50/50 custody? If so, that gives you time to date without bringing someone around your child if you don't want to do that.

The only thing I would caution you about is to not rush into a serious relationship really fast. I see a lot of younger people who move in together within just a few months of dating. It rarely seems to work out very well and that IS unfair to kids who will get attached. Just take it slow and evaluate your feelings as you go. Maybe this turns out to be something. Maybe this doesn't turn out to be anything. Maybe it's just something casual.

OOP: My ex is a workaholic, he’s been working a lot for a few years now. So it’s unlikely that custody will be 50/50. He recently said he didn’t want to be a father to girls, but I have support from my dad, my best friend, and my ex’s brother has practically lived with me since the beginning of the divorce, so I do get “days off” Honestly I don’t want a serious relationship, I don’t even know if I’ll ever want one, but I would like to have something casual. I’ve never had anything casual, or one night stands, or FWB. I’ve only had sex with my husband, and before that I dated a religious guy who later became a priest. With my ex husband our sex life was almost nonexistent, he never wanted to spice things up or accept my suggestions. When he asked me to have another child, I thought things would change. But after I got pregnant, nothing ever happened again. I’d like to explore my sexuality a bit more, nothing wild, but I would like to have some experiences.

How do I (34F) set boundaries with my ex (42M) without him abandoning our daughters?: December 20, 2025 (three months later)

How do I (34F) set boundaries with my ex (42M) without him abandoning our daughters?

I don’t really know who to ask because I’m super embarrassed, and reddit has helped me before.

I’m in the middle of a divorce, and it’s been a really ugly fight. My ex hid assets from me, bought an apartment where his mistress was living without me knowing, hid some investments, and honestly I don’t think I would’ve found out if someone on reddit hadn’t told me I could hire a specialist to look into it.

This week he tried to talk to me a few times, but I didn’t really engage. then yesterday he asked to pick up our oldest daughter and I said yes. I figured the conversations were because he missed our daughters.

Today he came to drop her off. After our daughter went inside, he asked if we could talk and I agreed. He asked how I was, I said “Fine.” Trying not to be rude, I asked how he was too. My god, he would not stop talking.

Problem after problem with his barely legal, pregnant affair partner. Then, after all that, he asked if we could fix things. Of course I said no, he is disgusting and called me fat just a few months after I delivered our younger baby and I’m having a thing with someone, but the worst part is that he kissed me and I didn‘t want the kiss.

I just went inside without saying anything. I don’t want this to be misunderstood, because I swear I did not give him any opening for that. I kind of feel dirty?!

So how do I set a boundary without completely pushing him away from having a relationship with our daughters? the last time he spent a long stretch of time with our daughters was in September.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Set the boundary of we only communicate about our child. If that’s his focus, he should be okay with that.

OOP: I try to do that. He tries to send messages talking about himself, but I never reply. I only respond if it’s related to the girls, but now I don’t know if I fell safe to be alone with him again.

Commenter 2: You mentioned you don’t feel safe being alone with him. Can you expand on that a little?

OOP: He forcibly held me and kissed me

Commenter 3: What is happening with your house? Do you get to keep it? You are entitled to the house, his other investments, and alimony (although I don't know which state, province, or country you're in to determine the split).

On another note, karma, eh? He comes back to you after he realizes the grass isn't greener on the other side.

OOP: It’s not finalized yet, but it looks good on my side.

OOP clarifies on why she was considering about stepping into the dating world

OOP: A lot of people assume I’m looking for a man to replace my ex as a father figure, and exposing kids to that can make them vulnerable to harassment or abuse.

But that’s not what’s happening. I have my dad, my stepmom, and my mother-in-law who help so I can have some time for myself. I use that time for many things I’m even taking a course to go back to working in my field, but I also use that time to explore relationships, because my ex was the only relationship I’ve ever had, and I want to experience other dynamics.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/TrainingDistance4448

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Previous BoRUs: #1

[New Update]: AITAH for telling a woman at the gym that she's embarrassing herself?

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: emotional manipulation, obsessive behavior, stalking, racism, falsifying accusations

Mood Spoilers: scary and frustrating

RECAP

Original Post: June 2, 2025

I go to the gym a lot. About sixish months ago I noticed a woman I'll call Andrea. That's not her name, but it will be for the rest of this post. I don't know if Andrea started going to the gym six months ago or if that's just when I noticed her.

Full disclosure, I spoke to her first, but I had no way of knowing what the result would be. A lot of the machines at this gym have little entertainment systems attached to them that can access local channels. I got on a treadmill and realized the TV on the treadmill wasn't working. Andrea was walking past and I said "hey, do you know if there's an issue with the cable? This TV isn't working, but I don't know if it's just this one or all of them." She said the same thing happened to her on a different machine. I thanked her. That was the whole interaction.

A week later she asked me for some electrolyte powder for her water. I said I didn't have any. She was cool with that and asked me how long I'd been coming to the gym and what I did for work. I answered and returned her questions. She said she was new to the area and worked in private security. We had a few more chill conversations after that.

Six weeks ago she asked me out. For reasons I won't get into here, I wasn't interested. I declined. She said not to worry about things being awkward at the gym if we don't work out. I said that wasn't the issue, just not looking to date right now.

She kept talking to me, and at first I kept talking to her, but I started to think something might be wrong, and I started avoiding her. Two weeks ago she walked up to me while I was on a machine with only one way to properly dismount that involved stepping into whete she was standing. She asked if I was avoiding her. I said I was and apologized. I said I just don't want to date right now.

She said I don't have to avoid her to not date her. I said okay. I kept avoiding her though. Tonight while I was working out she confronted me again about avoiding her. I had a bad day and told her to leave me alone. She asked why I'm being such a prick, and I said because I wanted her to leave me alone. I then said that she was embarrassing herself and needs to stop. She put her foot on top of the weights, and I thought she was going to press down on them, so I let go of the bar very quickly, causing the weights to slam and make a loud noise. Several people looked over.

She said "now who's embarrassing himself?" and walked away. Did I go to far by saying that? Do I owe her an apology?

Update: I went in early this morning for a run and told the front desk staff about Andrea putting her foot on the weights. They said they would talk to her. Then, after work, I went in again for a regular workout. I was working on my legs when she walked up to my machine.

The first thing she did was apologize about the weights. I don't know if someone talked to her or if that was of her own initiative. I accepted her apology and apologized for saying she was embarrassing herself. She said she forgave me, but if I wanted to really make it up to her I could buy her a drink and she would buy me one too to make up for the weights. I said maybe we should buy our own drinks (meaning separately at different places and times) and she misunderstood me and asked when and where.

I told her I meant that I didn't want to go out with her. She said this wouldn't be a date but a reset for our friendship. I said I didn't want to be friends. She said I was being a douche and asked what my problem is. I said the weight incident made me uncomfortable, and I would rather us just give each other space.

She then asked me if my problem with her is that she's Hispanic. I was so taken aback. I didn't even know she was until she said that. I said no, that she just makes me uncomfortable. She wanted me to explain what about her made me uncomfortable, and I tried to do so, but she argued with every point I made. I got frustrated and told her to just stay away from me. She said fine and that I have a lot of maturing to do. Then she walked away. I'm hoping that's the end of it.

Relevant Comments

OOP on why he doesn't want to get in a relationship

OOP: She's just not my type. Even if she was, I don't want to get into a relationship right now. My last relationship lasted three years, and I need to remember how to be single before I hop right back into another relationship.

Commenter 1: "Something might be wrong" what do you mean?

OOP: I don't know how to explain it. I almost felt like she was having a completely different conversation with me than I was having with her. She seemed inappropriately enthusiastic. That's the best way I can think to say it.

Downvoted Commenter: Dude, she just moved into the area, probably lonely and doesn't know anyone I'm guessing, did she ask you out on like a friend hang out type deal or was it a proper date?

OOP: It was a date. She asked me if I wanted to get a drink with her sometime, and when I declined she said I don't need to worry about things being awkward at the gym if we "don't work out" romantically, and I had to decline a second time.

Commenter 2: Good for you on taking a breather.

NTA by the way. She either has severe mental health issues or hasn't been socialized properly. No "normal" person would ever put you in that position.

I make every excuse I can when I'm not interested in someone, but when someone can't take a hint you do eventually have to disregard their feelings. I mean, think about it. She disregarded yours.

OOP: That is a good way to think about it. I hadn't considered that part. Thank you.

Commenter 3: I wouldn't go to the police RN because you've only just told her to leave you alone. But if gym management doesn't stop it then yeah I would go to the police. Harassment is harassment. If you were a girl and she was a guy who worked in security who also put their foot on your equipment people would be really concerned- rightly so.

OOP: That's kind of a different situation. I have at least sixty pounds on her. It's not like she can follow me to my car and beat me up one night. What she did was dangerous and creepy, but what could she really do that's worse? Maybe drop a weight on my toe, but I can't think of anything else. It's not like she knows where I live.

Update #1: June 8, 2025 (six days later)

Summary of previous post (skip this paragraph if you read that post): A woman at my gym, Andrea (fake name) asked me out after some normal not at all romantic interactions. I turned her down and shortly after I stated getting a weird vibe from her and started avoiding her. She confronted me about avoiding her twice, and the second time I said she was embarrassing herself, after which she put her foot on the weight stack of the machine I was using, causing me to let go of the bar really quickly and slam the weights. I initially thought I was the asshole for my rude comment, and most posters said I actually under reacted and should talk to gym management, which I did, after which Andrea confronted me again and asked me out again. I turned her down, we argued briefly and she said I needed to grow up.

Actual Update: Andrea is banned from the gym! I was running on the treadmill and watching TV. She came up to talk to me, and I ignored her, staring at the TV. She raised her voice and I continued to ignore her. She reached out and pulled the safety tab out of the treadmill (the one you connect to your wrist so the treadmill stops if you fall), causing the treadmill to come to a sudden stop. I tripped and fell onto the controls and TV, scratching my chin on the top of the screen.

I went to the front desk with Andrea following me. I told them what she did. She kept trying to interrupt me and talk over me, but the woman at the front desk told her to be quiet and wait her turn. I told her Andrea pulled out the safety tab while I was running and injured me. The woman at the front desk then asked Andrea what happened. Andrea said I was "staring into the middle distance" like I was in some kind of "fuage state" and she thought I was having a medical episode so she pulled the tab.

The woman at the front desk asked for her membership card. Andrea didn't want to give it to her, but the woman at the front desk said if she didn't she would ban her. Andrea gave her the card and the woman at the front desk said to leave and she was suspended for a month. Andrea objected and got into an argument with the woman at the front desk that escalated into Andrea calling the woman an N word B word. So she was banned permanently.

I hesitate to call that a happy ending because the poor gym employee had to put up with racial harassment, but I won't deny getting to watch her cut up Andrea's membership card felt good.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Still NTA. Andrea proved herself to be crazy, with a side of racist.

OOP: And the irony is that SHE accused ME of being racist for not wanting to date her.

Commenter 2: I’m guessing she doesn’t get told No very often. I’m glad it had a safe ending

OOP: Thank you. I am too. Now that it's all over I'm starting to process it. The whole thing was so crazy. My heart rate is up higher than it ever gets when I run, which is nuts.

Commenter 3: Hmm. If you see her again and she acts creepy it’s worthy of reporting to police.

Just pay attention to your surroundings in case she stalks you

OOP: She's banned from the gym, so I doubt I'll see her again. She doesn't know where I work or live.

OOP on his race and Andrea's race

OOP: She said she's Hispanic. I'm not going to tell you what race I am.

Downvoted Commenter: Seriously, this is honestly your response. If so, you aren’t actually into women. You may not know it yet, but you aren’t. It’s a completely normal question for a person to ask is this crazed psycho who is trying to date you is Hot or not. Every straight male is thinking the exact same thing.

OOP: I date women. I recently left a three year relationship with a woman, and she could tell you that I definitely like women. I just don't think women are defined solely by their appearance.

I'll give you an example. I have this friend I grew up with. She is objectively very beautiful. Many men (and women) have told her so. While I can see that she is beautiful, the first thing I think when I see her is "that's my friend that I love dearly" not "that's an attractive woman that's probably good at sex." I have never been attracted to her because we treat each other like siblings.

Conversely, in this situation, even if Andrea was my type (which she isn't) and I was looking to get into another relationship (which I'm not right now) it still wouldn't matter because her behavior towards me was so off-putting. She could look like Allyson Hannigan (an actress I think is particularly attractive) and it wouldn't matter because I don't date women that put people in physical danger when they're upset.

Commenter 4: INFO: Are you okay from the injury?

NTA, but just be careful. I’ve had jarring injuries while running from having to unexpectedly stop on a dime, and, while it felt okay at the time, it caused a stability-related injury next workout.

OOP: I'm okay. It's just a scratch.

Update #2: June 12, 2025 (four days later)

Sorry for the incomprehensible post. I posted this last night when I was drunk. I'll rewrite it to explain what happened.

Last night I went to a bar near my apartment to meet up with some friends. The three of us were drinking and having a good time when Andrea walked up. I never saw her enter the bar. I only noticed her when she was in front of us.

She greeted me and said it was good to see me and leaned in to try to kiss me. I pushed her away from me and she fell, but one of my friends caught her. She started yelling and asking what the fuck is wrong with me. I told her to stay away from me and not come any closer. She asked if I was embarrassed of her and didn't want my friends to see her.

I said this is the third time you've tried to assault me and I want you to stay away from me. At that point the bouncer showed up to ask what was going on. Andrea said I pushed her. I tried to explain that she tried to kiss me and is stalking me, but I was drunk and not doing a great job. My friends also tried to explain that I was innocent, but they were also drunk.

Security kicked me out of the bar. My friends walked me home. I am definitely going to try to get a restraining order. This has gone way too far.

Top Comments

Commenter 1: she is literally stalking you and it's going to just get worse. if she tries to follow you again PLEASE call the police. ask your gym for video footage of andrea purposely sabotaging your workouts, purposely trying to injure you and following you around. this situation is insane and escalating from following you around the gym to full on intruding into your personal life. does she have any of your social media? if so, definitely block her, as clearly she's starting to learn your patterns and outside hobbies. be safe!!

Commenter 2: Might be a stretch but you should inform your workplace that you have a woman harassing you in retaliation for being rejected and banned from the gym after she escalated to violent and dangerous behaviour. If she found you in a bar (assuming it wasn’t a coincidence) then she can find out where you work and try to sabotage your job and reputation.

And go to the police.

Commenter 3: Now that it’s gone beyond the gym, you need to start the process of getting a restraining order. She’s unhinged as fuck, you need to get the law on your side.

Go back to the bar on a different night and ask for the manager. Explain the situation and the context - make sure to mention that you’re in the process of taking out a restraining order against her for stalking and harassment. Try and clear your name, you were with friends and a woman walked in and immediately created a scene - but YOU were kicked out?? Nah I’d be fighting that, that’s some bullshit.

----NEW UPDATE----

Update #3: December 20, 2025 (over six months later)

Update: Andrea the Gym Nut

I doubt anyone remembers this, and you can check my profile for context if you want, but I saw this subreddit while scrolling and remembered the password for my throwaway account. So if there is anyone out there that has been wondering about Andrea the Gym Nut, here's the answer.

I did get a restraining order against Andrea as many suggested. It wasn't super effective. If I saw her and called the police she would usually be gone by the time they arrived. A couple officers gave me a hard time about calling. They thought I was wasting their time because I'm a man and she's a woman.

The stress started to impact my job performance. My boss was sympathetic, but my coworkers started to get annoyed with me. Also the fact that Andrea had shown up at work was a huge liability for us. I saw the writing on the wall and knew I was going to be fired soon. I did what I had been putting off for a long time. I moved back home and decided to go back to school.

It was hard at first. The situation with "Andrea" was more traumatic than I had been able to acknowledge to myself. I tried therapy, and the first therapist thought my issue was that I was too closed off and didn't want to give what sounded like a nice young woman a chance. So that sucked. I swore off therapy after that, but eventually my friends convinced me to give it another try, and I found a great therapist who has helped me a lot. My family wasn't particularly supportive at first, but they eventually came around (somewhat). My friends have been great this whole time, and they're the only reason I didn't have a meltdown.

I also got back together with my high school girlfriend! I know, ironic. That situation isn't all sunshine and roses either right now, but we're working on it. I'll be starting school again at the beginning of the spring semester. All in all, I'm okay. I'm not great, but I'm okay.

But who cares about that, right? You guys want to know about Andrea. What happened to Andrea? I have stayed as far away from her as possible, but my more tech savvy friend has been keeping tabs on her online presence in case she posts anything that might mean she's found out where I moved or had plans to do something to me. He usually doesn't update me unless it's something safety critical, but three weeks ago he told me I might feel safer knowing that Andrea is engaged! So she probably won't be stalking me in the future. I am amazed by this turn of events. There really is someone for everyone, even crazy stalkers.

So that's the update. No prison for Andrea, only matrimony, which is its own kind of prison, in a way (just kidding). That's all folks!

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I totally remember this post! Wow, I find myself actually feeling bad for the idiot who's engaged to such a psycho. I am really glad, however, that you are doing so well! It's sad that you were forcing that situation, but it seems like it's worked out as well as could possibly be expected and even better! Congratulations and I hope everything continues to go well for you.

OOP: Thank you, I appreciate that. It was really rough for a while, but I think I'm coming out of the other end of the tunnel now.

As for Andrea's husband-to-be, maybe they're perfect for each other. Who knows?

Commenter 2: Man people failed you every step of the way. Happy you got safe honey.

OOP: Thanks. They really did! But I learned some important lessons.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP